AIBU thinking this is a little odd?

Oh dear God this is not you being unreasonable ... its unreasonable on so many levels

Peaches love I'm so sorry all this is happening to you right now - you deserve so much better ?

Oh Peaches, how incredibly horrible for you. ?

I can only say that your in-laws are aware of your feelings in the subject and so will not hold it against you. Your mum sounds quite lonely to me actually, but still, such a lot for you to be dealing with after everything else.

I'm actually fuming now H .. argh, she just doesn't get it. I've asked her .. no, TOLD her to stop. To allow me to have at least a little part in a "normal" family (whatever "normal" actually is, but I'd like to think Mr P's family is far more normal than mine)

She said she wouldn't write anymore. Especially when I told her I was horrified she thought of my SIL as a "friend". I told her if she feels she needs to off-load, then go get a bloody counsellor for herself, or off-load to her own friends. Not my fricking family. Sorry, Mr P's family.

But here we are, just come home from Christmas shopping, to find an(other) email asking for addresses. Another thing that pisses me off is she doesn't even know the bloody names. She wrote K** instead of C**, and doesn't know C**'s husband's name .. but wants to send them a card!

Sorry, venting again. I'm livid with her. Bloody good job it's 1 am her time otherwise I'd be ringing her up giving her what for. And then I'd only feel guilty for shouting at an old lady. But fcuking hell.

Can you tell I'm pissed off?!?! ?

Eric, Mum isn't lonely. Far from it. She has worked really hard since Dad died to get herself a good social life. She is more active than I am, and I'm busy 7 days a week!

She has some really good friends. HER friends. Why is she interfering in mine and my brother's lives?

It's like she can't let either of us go.

Peaches love you are right to feel its unreasonable but I hate to say I can't think of a solution ... hopefully wiser heads will be on to give you reasonable advice

No chance you could slap her with a wet fish ?

It sounds like the kind of situation with no easy solution - in fact, as hideous as it is, I'd be inclined to leave her to it.

Thanks both for listening. You're right, there really isn't a solution other than telling her again to stop writing. It's only a Christmas card, and if there wasn't years worth of history behind this, I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking I'm just being such a miserable sod.

I can't give her the addresses as our main computer died last night. Not able to access the files from our laptops until Mr P sorts it all out, so that's my excuse - a real one - and that's that. If she asks again I'll see how I feel as to whether to ignore or have a go. I've actually had enough of all this family sh!t tbh.

Won't even go there regarding my brother and the latest shenanigans ............... ?

Peaches cant you just tell her to send them to you and you can pass them on?

Not really Eric. We don't get back to the UK until late next week, then we won't see Mr P's family until Boxing Day onwards. Good idea, but wouldn't work. Or were you thinking that they'd get lost somehow?! ?

Oh dear. Im not really sure if there is anything you can do to stop her either really.

If she really doesnt have the addresses, how about a couple of faux ones so that they get "lost in the post"...

Sounds horrible. Could you just refuse to tell her addresses saying that you don't want her to send cards to these people. Repeat every time she asks. Keep it calm and don't give reasons/excuses/explanations.

If anyone in Mr P's family says they have a letter or card from her, then say that there isn't any problem if they don't reply.

Would that work?

Can you actually tell her that she has made people feel uncomfortable and they have requested that she stop writing to them (might be a problem if she does actually have their addresses though - hate to think what would be in their letter then!)

What a horrible situation

Oh lordie - quelle mare, poor you. If you've told her already you don't want her to send them, I would just reiterate that to her in your reply email. Be firm Peaches, respond with what you want to say, and have already told her. Arrrrrggggh I feel your frustration honey xxxx

I think you need to be firm with her and tell her not to send them. Sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. ?

Thats a bit weird - no you are not being unreasonable - is there any way you could get rid of their addresses from her ??

I've told her .. 3 times when I was back in the UK. She even told me a week or so ago she was writing a card to my brother's estranged wife, but didn't know where to send it. I mean, wtf?? So when I told her I really didn't think that was a good idea, she threw her toys out and said she would just throw it in the bin.

Mum never used to have this childish side to her, but it's coming out lately. It's got everything to do with me challenging her on so many aspects, I'm sure.

I'm not liking the fact I've become the adult for both my brother and Mother, and they've reverted to a child-like fashion. A big part of me wants it all to go away.

This time next week we'll be telling her we're staying here for good (green card application permitting). That's going to be an interesting conversation ?

Appears Mr P's family all sent cards to her first. There's no hope!

Well they get what they deserve then!

Whoops! That was supposed to have a ? in there ?

So I can understand your mum wanting addresses to send them cards. The whole letter thing is something else still.

Absolutely .. the letter thing is just a nightmare. Like I said earlier, it's been a very instrumental part of my new SIL's reason for wanting out. Hard to explain without giving specifics, but if Mum had just left alone .... ?

Anyway, I'm up to here (reaches way over my scalp) with family stuff for today. 4 hours on the phone is quite enough for anyone. My head is banging, and I've not even started wrapping presents up yet!

That's the next task on the Sunday to-do list!

Well, if they've sent cards, and they know what her "cards" are like, they'll have to live with it IMO. It's no reflection on you. You've tried pointing out to your mother what reasonable behaviour is, but for whatever reason she's not listened. I'm worried about you actually, Peaches. It seems you've had to take on so much responsibility for your family, when they should be responsible for themselves ?

I suppose you could make it clear to Mr P's family that it's OK to ignore the letters from your mum, but you don't want to get involved any more? I think you have to draw the line somewhere or you'll crack totally.

Someone mentioned earlier (sorry, can't remember who) that I could tell Mr P's family to pass the letters on to me if they can't deal with what she has written.

No fecking way! I've had enough dumped on my plate, and that would surely send me over the edge. I really, really hope she has 'got it' about keeping her letters (if she has to send them at all) light-hearted. Just general stuff, day-to-day stuff .. not D&M sh!t about her life and all that jazz. If she needs to get things off her chest .. bah, I've said it before in an earlier post. I'm doing what I tires me about my brother .. repeating myself over and over! Apologies!

After this trip back home for Christmas, that's it for me. I can't deal with it much more. I'm slowly, but very surely going round the bend.

And now my head is so bad I think I'm going to be sick, so I'm turning hte comp off now.

Thanks for letting me vent. Again. x

But you seem to want to deal with this anyway. you ve told her several times, she hasnt listened. so you either reply to the email a nd tell her no, its not appropriate, and that you ve discussed this before, and thats that, or you ignore it. you dont need to take this on.

plus, the green card thing. you dont need to tell her about that either. its not been granted yet, so its just another thing for her to worry about unneccessarily. even if/when you get it, why do you have to tell her? you could just let things be as they are, and if she asks you when yorue coming back, then you can say youre staying for the foreseeable future. no need to even mention the green card.

not everything has to be solved right there and then, and you cannot solve everything yourself. i suggest that you try to back off EVERYTHING a bit, try to accept that you cannot control it even though you want to solve it. if you dont, youre heading for a depressive episode in my view.

Oh Peaches lovely you need to stop being hard on yourself when you're doing far too much at the risk of hurting yourself

Please please please try and step back from some of this rubbish and let the other adults in your life start to fend more for themselves

You need to look after yourself and remember that their actions are no reflection on you and you've done more than anyone else could expect

?

It's not so much that I want to deal with it - I'm just so aware of the damage she has caused for my brother, and also the fact she pours her heart out to Mr P's parents and his SIL both in writing and face-to-face. They are a new audience as they've not heard her stories (real) before, and as they've had a 'normal' life, it's horrifying, and also, I'm sure, fascinating. But they can't deal with it, because if they could they wouldn't dump it back in my lap to deal with (as my counsellor put it to me once).

The only reason I was 'taking it on' was because she had emailed asking for obscure addresses - but didn't explain herself (not that she has to, I know, but under the circumstances I questioned it). Asking for Mr P's niece's address, but not even knowing her real name, and no idea what her husband's name is really annoyed both of us. But she has explained now .. younger niece had sent a card first, so Mum wanted to send one to her sister too. Fair enough. I've given her both addresses now.

Green card ... hmm. I get your point. I guess the reason why I was going to tell her is because Mr P has started the subject with his Dad. And God forbid Mum should hear it 2nd hand. Why don't you think I should tell her? When we were on the phone the other day she mentioned that I would be really sad to leave the States after making all the very good friends that I have, that my social life is wonderful, that I'm very happy here. So I told her that Mr P's company are in no hurry to send us back, and that they've made noises they want him here longer (if things had gone to plan we would be preparing to go back to the UK in the spring as it will have been 2 years [already!]). She needs to know IMO that we won't be heading back in the next 3-6 months. That's not fair .. is it?

As far as taking everything on, I've taken a HUGE step back this week. The counsellor on Monday recommended I reply to my brother only once per day, be it by phone, text or email. One day my brother called me 4 times on each phone line he had. He was desperate to get hold of me, but when I listened to the messages (4 of them - 2 over 4 minutes long then was cut off as he was timed out) all he did was repeat previous conversations and emails. I didn't take his calls .. mostly because I was otherwise busy, but also because it's hard to stick to time boundaries when he is sobbing. Which he invariably does when he talks to me.

I'm trying very hard to be there to a certain degree, but also look after myself too. It's tough. Tough love - for myself mostly.

BTW. Mum emailed again asking for the addresses [stoopid computer posted when I'd not finished!] again this morning. I've just given them to her and letting her get on with it.

I'm trying to WR .. have made big inroads into stepping back. But I can't stop altogether (as much as I would LOVE to - and probably need to)