Am I being unreasonable?

No.

You need to nip that sort of behaviour in the bud now. If you don't, I guarantee we'll be hearing a lot more about your mother's antics over the months to come!

My other cousins had seaham hall

and close house

and she wants me to have the mansion house

now tell me shes not just trying to make it comparable?

Maybe once she realises how much it will cost she'll change her mind!

No your not being unreasonable. It is your wedding!!!

the thing is we have spoken about mansion house and i specifically said it didnt have the right kind of character for me. it was a solid no and she went ahead anyway

Are you getting married in the same place as your reception? Are you sure your venue choices are available on your chosen day?

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see thats the other thing. as you like it would do my whole wedding breakfast and evening with entertainment and menue choice for guests for under 4,000 including champagne and canapes on arrival and between the breakfast and the evening reception turnaround. allowing us the space between 12pm and 2am.

shes not impressed with their food choice because it includes roast dinners - but most of my guests will LIKE roast dinners! and i will have another choice for others thats a bit more "special"

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Completely agree with Cricks. You need to sit her down and have it out. Regardless of who's paying she has to respect your wishes for your own wedding. And if she doesn't, I suggest you thank her kindly for her contribution but decline it and save up to have it a bit later, the way you want it.

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no im getting married at my family church.

I know that As you like it is (and even though web have chosen a date we are consiudering changing it - and the venue can accomodate us then. my mother checked with mansion house and theyre available to.

It is your wedding, not hers. Making a financial contribution to the day, however large or small, does not give anyone the right to make decisions on your day. Sure, they can make suggestions but at the end of the day it is entirely up to you and your partner to decide what you want your wedding to be.

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i will never be ablwe to pay for my own wedding. i struggle with bills as it is. she pays for it or it doesnt happen and it took 8 years to get the proposal. also it needs to be next year (or close to) because otherwise my grandparents wont be able to see me get married due to ill health

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I agree. As your Mum is paying she may try and have more of a say/ control over the day. You need to talk to her now before the situation escalates.

see, ive already had my mother change my mind on my BM dresses, my cake and my flowers. but the venue is too much

You're definitely not being unreasonable, but I can't give you advice on how to go about it because I'm not/have never been in your position.

It must be hard because you've already told her you don't want to have your wedding there. Maybe wait until she's had a quote back from the place and then talk it through with her. Don't back down though, it's your wedding so you should have everything you want.

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I assume that's a "royal We" in that you are both contributing to the costs? If your situation is that difficult, why not get married with a small intimate family effort with just your close friends and family, and stuff the big grand venue? There is no law that says you can only get married in venues comparative to your cousins.

Your wedding will be fantastic (assuming you get the day that YOU BOTH WANT) whether it's held in the local registry office or the grandest venue you can find. It sounds very much to me that it's your mother that's influencing the day so it doesn't "look bad" compared to what the cousins had. I'm sure they won't care if your wedding isn't "the big grand expensive affair" and it sounds like you don't mind either so tough whether she likes it or not.

With a registry office wedding and a small celebration afterwards you could probably do it for £1000 or so if you don't want anything too grand.

Often (and having been through it recently and come out the other side) we forget that the only important thing about a wedding is you, your partner, a registrar, a licensed venue and two witnesses. Nothing else - big venues, loads of food and drink, overpriced dresses, vintage cars, flowers discos, etc etc - actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

So, you are facing a similar situation to me. I wanted a small, intimate, slightly "quirky" venue (hate that word, sorry), my parents envisaged a grand ballroom/posh stately home/whatever. Oh, and a church, which was never going to happen but never mind about that.

We paid for ourselves so the battle was easily won. However, the problem my mother had was that she just couldn't visualise what I was planning. I took her to the venue, I showed her pictures of decor etc but she couldn't understand how a wedding could be anything other than churches/hotels. She ostensibly accepted our plans and told everyone we were having a "very modern wedding" - I think this was her disclaimer if any of our guests turned their noses up at our ideas. Since the day, she has admitted that she didn't quite trust me to pull it off, she thought I was having a madcap idea that wouldn't go down well. In reality, it was a beautiful venue (and day) that had many of our guests in raptures. I knew this would happen, she didn't.

So maybe your Mum is a traditionalist (and maybe she is trying to compete)? But if you describe to her clearly why you want your venue, what will make your wedding sooo special to have it their, how different, unique and beautiful it will be, she'll start to (at least, superficially) acquiesce. And on the day, she'll love it!*

*Have peeped at your fave venue, it is LOVELY.

The thing is, my cousins had grand weddings because they wanted somewhere nice for the ceremony but im getting married in the church i grew up in and where 3 generation fo my family got married and there is NO moving me on that ever. I want to prove to my cousins you can do an awesome wedding without the pricetag attached to it. and even though my mother CAN afford it, i dont want her to spend a lot.

Also from the North East.

Seaham Hall - Expensive and impersonal

Close House - Is a very lovely place, but again expensive and like everyone else has.

Dont know of the Manor House, but hey its not what you want so dont even have it as an option.

Stick with it, she will come round, As You Like is lovely and somewhere not many people know about, good luck

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Assuming you are left to "get on with it" and have the day that you want, rather than what she wants, then I'm sure you will manage an awesome wedding. I don't know what sort of budget you're looking at for the complete day but whilst many people say the average wedding is £20-£25,000 we managed a perfectly good day for 60 day guests and 110 evening guests for about £8500 total.

It comes across to me that her pride is more important than you getting the wedding you want, and that somehow if your wedding isn't as extravagant or more than your cousins it will somehow look bad on her - which of course is a very silly way for her to think.

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I may not be a traditionalist but I don't get this. Marriage is not a right and we had to save up to get the day that we wanted. We could have just gone down the registry office but that wasn't the day that we wanted, so we had to wait until we had the money.

You need to talk to your mother about the amount of control she has over your day and if you don't do it now then it will only get worse.

I think that you need to decide what you want most...

1. Your mother pays for your wedding and as a result gets some say in your day (how much of a say is up to you and the conversation you have).

2. You have a small intimate wedding now so that your grandparents get to see you married (this only really needs to cost for the registrar) and save for a larger wedding celebration later.

3. You wait and save up for your own wedding.

ETA: This is not a competition of family weddings... focus on the reason you are getting married.

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by quirky i just meant - not the same as every other person who gets married, i dont like big traditional halls and id ont want to offend anyone who does like that kind of thing just i dont want it to be the same.

So maybe your Mum is a traditionalist (and maybe she is trying to compete)? But if you describe to her clearly why you want your venue, what will make your wedding sooo special to have it their, how different, unique and beautiful it will be, she'll start to (at least, superficially) acquiesce. And on the day, she'll love it!*

im actuaslly a traditionalist. i refuse to have it anywhere but a church, and MY church where i know everyone and have attended for the past 27 years with the priest who would do anything to makwe it happy. i just want my reception to be different.

*Have peeped at your fave venue, it is LOVELY

then you know how different they are. I just think mansion house is nothing special, but it is pretty but so... samey.

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WMrsCS - I waited 8 years for a proposal and it was another two years until the wedding itself, this allowed us to save up and have the wedding that we wanted. It is very nice of your mother to pay, but that does not give her the right to dictate everything to you. Surely if you are her only daughter then she would want what makes her daughter happy??

Maybe it is the way you are posting but you come across as a bit spoilt and ungrateful in your posts.

Of course your mother wants you to have the best but if your OH isn't working and you can't pay your bills and your mother is offering to pay for everything then perhaps sitting down with her to discuss is rationally is the best thing.

Why do you even need to prove anything to your cousins? What does it matter what they think?

I would be grateful to have a mum who wants the very best for her daughter and find a compromise somewhere.

Edited to say: Haven't heard a lot about what kind of wedding your OH wants.

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she will do it... but i will need to struggle and she'll tell me i deserve more and if ANYTHING isnt perfect it will be - well you COULD yave had this and this. She will pay for the smaller venue i want but i can tell she wants this venue. and its cos she thinks it will be stunning and itd all out of love but its not what i want.

I will never abe able to afford a wedding and i cant just do a registry office for my family then a bigger do later because then i couldn't marry in the church, and there is no option but to get married in the church. i will not have it any other way. its not paper for me, its religious sacrament.

It sounds like you're Catholic?

We're Christians, but got married in a hotel with a civil ceremony. However, straight afterwards, as a 'part 2' of the ceremony as far as we're concerned, we had a blessing from a minister friend, with prayer, a sermon and a Bible reading so to us that was as good as a church wedding as it recognised our faith as well as our desire to get married. I am guessing that wouldn't be a suitable alternative for you?

But it doesn't sound like it's the ceremony itself that's a problem - as you have a church ready for that - just the reception venue that you're disagreeing over.

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Then just do the church service?

It's the reception that costs the money...

he says hes just there to make up the numbers he says - hes planning what kind of suits the men wear and will help with the menu. he doesnt care about the venue at all.

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"Perfect" is entirely subjective. "Could have had" something different would not make that something different "perfect".

I think you're in a really tough spot. Many take parental contributions (that are obviously willingly given) as a supplement to their own contributions i.e. the wedding would still happen, even without the donated cash. You have pretty much said that unless she pays, it isn't going to happen. She likely knows this? In which case, she's in a hugely powerful position, were she willing to abuse it.

What would you do if she said she wouldn't contribute unless she got her way?

its not even the reception... its just the venue. im also not too thrilled about having to turf all my guests out by 11:30pm

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Well then, like MrsC says, why not just have the church ceremony....

Sounds like you need to have a really honest conversation with your mum - make sure you talk about what "we want", "our ideal day" (i.e. yours and your OH's). Phrases such as ... "but mum, that is not what i have always dreamed of for my wedding", "this is exactly what we both want to make it our perfect day" etc..

If you don't talk honestly now, she will run away with the rest of the day.

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You said this ^^ which says you also want to prove stuff to your cousins. Why? I am sure their days were lovely for them so why prove anything? Does it matter?

And for the record you don't have to have lots of things to be spoilt.

Why not just have the church service as suggested if you can't afford to pay for the reception?

I am having a civil ceremony and it is far more than just paper to me.