Anyone help with a Woe Is Me chat?

Fire away.....

You might be sorry lol. Where to start? I am so fed up with everything, only been married 5 months (with OH for 12 years though) but I suddenly seem to have realised that I've not been single or had fun since I was 18. At recent works night out I found a youngling who wishes to help me out with the fun thing........

OH tonight admitted I irritate him all the time He is a bit older than me but has a great social life while I'm not allowed one. I've been drinking for 6hrs and it hasn't made a dent - I shall regret it tomorrow I suppose lol.

Feel free to ignore x

Im here too (i have my own woe is me's but will allow yours ?)

Hey Zoe,

The more the merrier, then I won't feel the rest of the world is out on a Christmas night and I'm at home being an FND listening to depressing music on earphones myself ?

I think the 'im not single and having fun' thing hits most people at some point. I think its usually a sign of a deeper problem, which obviously there seems to be here.

Do you want to work out the problems with your H? I think that is the main thing to think about here (the 'fun' is a side line and will only cinfuse matters more)

?

Ok, a few issues immediately jump at me... hope you're not easily offended...?

The recent works night youngling...forget him.

Husband admitted you irritate him? WTF is that about? He's older but has a great social life but you're 'not allowed one'. Why aren't you allowed? Does he forbid it? Do you have children that prevent it? What?

Needless to say, I think your priority is to find life socially, with him great, or without him, doesn't matter. Then you can decide on the marriage. But forget the youngster - no need for any unnecessary complications.

We seem to now be bogged down in bills etc and he has no income which I am starting to resent. However he said if I start casting that up to him we will be on the road to finished. He regularly goes out with friends, girls that are younger and prettier than me (easy done) but if I go out it is a big deal. We have been married 5 months and had sex twice.

I have gained weight through depression and hate myself but was so flattered when a younger guy made a pass at me at my work night, I went along, to a certain point, as I was so flattered so receive the attention but now on hindsight it couldn't have been anymore than beer goggles on his part.

If I could I would end the whole thing but H is completely dependent financially on me, as he said - he is screwed, he's put all his eggs in one basket [:'(]

No and due to his dislike of them I probably won't be allowed to have either

Fuck he's done a good job. I'm actually angry on your behalf. You NEED to get angry.

He doesn't work? How does he afford to socialise? You work to pay for his beer and pretty women company??!

Forget the weight thing - I bet he's mentioned it, right? Forget the younger and prettier women he spends time with - bet he's mentioned them in passing too, right?

If I were you, I wouldn't give him a penny more. I would instead spend his drinking money on a haircut, new clothes, make-up and a night out with my girlfriends. I'd do this twice weekly and come home giggling. See how that irritates him.

He's a manipulator and he's managed to convince you you're no good. And the sex thing, been there myself, also a control thing.

You wont 'be allowed' children? Seriously? I'd bail out right now.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but does he have any redeeming features?

I know when you're in a relatiuonship that its hard to see the wood for the trees, but boy, when you get out of the forest.... life is good. ?

Some of my situation isnt wildly different. But a bit reversed. I am dependent (sp?) on H. We have huge money worries as well, I am trying to look for work but have bad depression and dont know if I could handle working. He's always tired in the week from work so we dont have sex all that often either. I dont have a social life as I dont really know anyone here (we moved here fairly recently and I dont go out and cant drive).

Your depression wont be helping with the situation, are you being treated? Do you really want to end it with your H or are you just at a loss of how to make things better?

Zoe, does your H recognise your dependence and more importantly, does he do anything to try to encourage you to be a bit dependant?

In my experience the more dependant you are the better for them.

I know not all men are like this off course, so thats why I'm asking if he is trying to encourage you to be less dependant, in other words, would he for instance, tell you to go and visit friends/family?

He would play the martyr, somehow, as always, it would end up my fault. I also run my own business, he helps out a bit, thinks it is enough. If I mention his lack of income, I end up in the wrong.

He constantly mentions how I look, he usually says I look 'fine' whilst giving a disappointed face.

I feel that this is normal somehow and I am wrong to be questionning things but I am having some scary thoughts and ideas recently that I know can't be right. I spoke to my doc before about anti-ds but H looks down on people that take them so I couldn't get away with them because of the side effects but mentally, I'm cracking.

I would normally say that 99% of the time I love him but mostly now I dread his company - yet after some outstanding bills are paid tomorrow he will be all sweetness and looking to know what our Christmas budgets are.

I'm never allowed to stop......

I really think I want to end it. Full stop. I can't keep it together much more. Sorry I haven't tried to help on yours, I'm just losing it non-stop, quietly though. I just have fantasies of being rescued by someone that really wants me - there's no chance of that lol, beer goggles only last so long lol.

I just want to hug you now. My ex was like this, made me feel like I was the ugliest, fattest, least interesting person on the planet - he used to actually spit at me. And you know what, I thought that was normal too. I was grateful for every 'good day'. He dictated the mood of the house, if he was happy then everyone was happy, if he was pissed off then everyone else was forced to live under this cloud.

You sound like an intelligent woman, you run your own business, you pay the bills. Why do you let him dictate your mood?

He does encourage me to be less dependent, but does sometimes resent the fact that I am dependent IYSWIM, but I think thats natural to happen on occasion. He does do what he can to help.

If he had his own income I would leave or if life insurance would pay out then I would go.

Meep - leave him. Ring Womans Aid, change the locks, cut off his drinking supply and start living. Find someone who'll appreciate you.

I know this is 3.45 am, but I know enough about crap relationships to be able to recognise one. I'm sorry if I make you cry, you probably will, but hey, he'll make you cry anyway. You've stated you want to end the relationship - so I think you will eventually, just do it sooner rather than later. When you do it, you'll wonder why it took you so long.

Big hugs and kisses to you my love, ?

I was trying to be devils advocate for a bit but your answers have made me think that Eric is right. I think its either you try to make things work (relate or something) but not without help for both sides, or you stand your ground and find your way out. If you dont want to totally walk away you could suggest a trial seperation.

You cant go on like this especially without medication for your depression.

Oh Meep this says it all sweetheart. ?

Meep, why are you woried about his income? He has an income atm - you!

If you weren't there he would either have to get a job or find some other person to finance his socialising. Either way - not your problem - he's an adult ffs.

That sounds ominous! ?

He's sure not worth jail sweetheart.

Tell you what, buy a plane ticket to Belfast, my house is a man-free zone. Theres lots of wine and opportunity for socialising. Come spend a fortnight with me - see how easy life can be without a controlling man. This is a genuine offer btw.

I had problems leaving an ex because I couldnt face being alone and was financially dependent on him as I am on H. In the end I grabbed the bull by the horns and just did it. It worked out better for all in the long run. I had to move to my grandads and get benefits but I survived. Your H will survive too without you and without your income

I would get laughed at if I looked for help, on paper he is great and I always come out wrong. He always brings it up that every December I get legless, just once. He doesn't drink exessively, his Dad did so he can have a moral high ground on that. If I said no money for socialising he would go along with it but make me feel ever so guilty (Is this La Ps PA demo?) I had one friend but she was a bad influence on me (according to him, yes I would get drunk every so often but....) and although he didn't make me, I've had to cull her. We won't have kids, I would rarely see them anyway. Life is a pointless exercise. I have 2 uni degrees and am working on professional qualifications and used to be so confident and capable, now I'm just looking for a permanent out.

I'd rather live in a shed on my own than spend a night with my ex in luxury.

Fortunately for me the courts decided that me and the children should be allowed to stay in our home. But ask yourself a similiar question. Shed on your own, or house with him?

You need to leave/ kick him out. Someone that makes you feel like this is not worth the worry over how he will survive financially without you. Where are you?

Typical. I could've told you that without having met you. They all say that.

And for what its worth - no-one will laugh at you.

I lived with the big mercedes-driving businessman in a half a million pound house. No-one laughed at me when I eventually said enough.

He's text-book darling.

I haven't said this to anyone. I will prob edit.

The option to jump in front of a non-stop train is holding me compulsively. I can't stop thinking about dying, simple as that. If I look at a tall building, I'm thinking if I could handle the jump. If it's a fast vehicle the only thing stopping me is the driver. Other options are too slow and risk being caught before result.

At work I can barely hold it together. At my work night with the youngling I was meant to be home for 10, I got home for 4 only because H came looking for me.

He hates me, I hate me and I just want to - stop the treadmill.

H would be astounded to hear all this though, he doesn't make it easy to speak to and he would call me weak for 'dabbling' with depression.

Come to Belfast. Buy the ticket tomorrow. Hell, I'll buy the ticket. Its my first Christmas without him - may as well be your first without him.

Seriously - this is not good - get out now. Get. Out. Now.

Please.

Meep where are you sweetheart?

Please please do not feel that you arent allowed to be depressed or that it is wrong, it isnt, its a medical condition a real one.

Ending it isnt the only way out, I know it feels like it but it really isnt

Why, when I know I am so miserable do I feel I am over-reacting and that things aren't so bad? My job is only until end January then we will only be relying on my PT business unless I find something else. I can't handle the pressure. He fell out with me because I couldn't open up to hom after a 1minute conversation. I can't bear the thought of putting the tree up. I just want to get away.

I've put it all plainly but I know if you were to speak to him he would convince you and me otherwise. I am so conflicted, I just wish he would up and leave me as he so often threatens.

If I was to do something now he wouldn't find me until too late but then I know he wouldn't make rent (which we are late with) he would have no money for food. He always tells me that he shouldn't have given up his (council/benefit) security when he met me.......I've made his life hard. I wish he would leave me.

I'm so sorry to burden you both with this - I have no-one at all I can speak to, I'm mentally screaming for help.