Anyone here had experience of mental breakdown?

No real advice to give, but didn't want to read & run. ??

I'm guessing every case is very different, I hope you can get a support worker assigned to you asap

S xx

Oh Clairy ? I have no direct experience however, it would be very odd surely to be planning to get back to your normal routine in advance, when the thought of it is stressful? I would think you are far better of concentrating on feeling better over all, and THEN trying getting back to normal

L
xx

Hi Clairy, sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. I had to have a prolonged period off work due to what the doctor called 'anxiety disorder' but I don't think it was as bad as what it sounds like you are dealing with. That said, I was off work for just over six months, and even then I didn't go back to what I was doing before. I hardlly went out of my house for about 3 months, and was same as you, phone etc was a real no go. I really could retreat though, as I was single etc - though not sure if that really helped or not. My counselling did help though, so hopefully when you get assigned a new support worker things might start feeling more under control? I don't think you should make any plans to return to work personally, it's pressure you can do without and if you do go back when not ready it could make you worse, as then you'll feel like you've let them down (wrongly of course!). I would wait until you feel stronger - I was worried about going back to a routine but after those months off I was actually ready to do it and managed fine.

Anyway, hope you start feeling better very soon.

Hi Clairy,

I had suffered from depression in the past but in 2005 I had a complete breakdown. I'm not sure whether I'm the best person to give advice as I am far from recovered even now. But, I am a million times better than I was at my lowest. My lowest is a level I hope you, and nobody else, ever gets to.

How you are feeling sounds very familiar to me though. Not being able to use the phone seems to be a fairly common thing with people who are suffering. In reply to your question about how long it takes to recover I would think that that really depends on your personality, what help and support you get and the reason that you are down to start with. Like I said, I'm a long way off being 'right' but I've never really had any proper counselling (booked in for September) and my issues are still around and growing. Having said that, I was back at work relatively quickly. I am lucky though that my best friend is the only other person in our office so it didn't matter that quite often my mind wasn't on my work or that I frequently burst into tears. It also helped to have someone to talk to. I also learnt to put on 'mask'. When the mask was on I was my old self, working professionally and being a good friend/family member etc. but then as soon as I was home I'd break down again. What I learnt from that was that if you HAVE to do something (i.e. look after your children) then sometimes there's a way to do it. I'm not saying everyone can, and God knows, at my worst I could do literally nothing.

What time of work do you do? What type of environment will you be in? I had exactly the same lack of focus, fear of an e-mail etc. I had no idea how I could ever go back but my dad gave me a very stern talking to one day and so I went into work. I was shaking, nauseous, and absolutely scared out of my wits. When I'd been in the building for 10 minutes it all seemed so silly though. Even knowing that though there have been more occasions where I've been off and then had the same fears and feelings again. Being messed up really, well, messes with your head.

Unfortunately it's something I could talk about for hours because I have a lot of experience. I'm more than happy to talk to you about it or answer any questions you may have. I know this place was absolutely amazing when I was really suffering, and even now, when I'm suffering at a less scary level, the support and advice I get is priceless. If I can help at all I'd be more than happy too.

Take your time. We're here when you need us.

Can you book an appointment with occy health to discuss it? They're probably the people with the experience to be able to advise you best. I found them invaluable when I came down with ME. They were the ones who advised me to take a year off from my job and do a different, part-time job to try to get better.

Iirc, your H has a bit of a record of being a workaholic, so maybe he's not likely to consider possibilities other than throwing yourself into your work?

I genuinely don't know what's best for you, but don't be pressured into thinking you ought to go back to work full time, or just pull yourself together, whatever other people say about it. The most important thing is that you get better, because the long term wellbeing of your whole family hinges on that. There's no point knocking yourself out to work in September and being in a worse case by Christmas.

As PL said, Occy Health are fab if your work has them. I was off for about five months six years ago. I had a breakdown as a result of PTSD and depression (lovely combination!). Occy health supported me to the extent where at one point I said I wanted to return to work (everyone was telling me it would be good for me) and they said, no I wasn't well enough. it may sound odd but that felt supportive. I was very worried at the time that people would think that I was a malingerer, which I now realise was the depression talking.

Anyway, I wanted to say that you can get better. I fought depression for ten years, but for the first time in a long time I am free of AD's and doing really rather okay. There are times that I thought that would never be possible, but it is. You take care of yourself.

Thank you so much for all your responses, it's very much appreciated ?

H is a bit of a workaholic, that's true, and he went through a patch of minor depression a couple of years back. Continuing with work really seemed to help him, which is why he's keen for me to keep calm and carry on. However, this feels completely different to me. We're both on school holiday at the moment (both work in schools) and he keeps saying things like "you're just not with it" etc, which I can bloody well feel. I was OK for a few days last week, but have felt awful for the last 5 days or so. It's not like the flu where you feel poorly, and then start to get steadily better with each day better than the last. One day I can feel fine, another completely crippled with anxiety and not even able to sit still, let alone leave the house. We both find it frustrating, but it's what it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

I am afraid that we won't manage financially, and I feel as though I am workshy and letting everyone down.

The problem I have with work is that I am on a contract - which expires 31st August. They have said they will extend the contract by another 12 months, but do I take it on knowing it's possible I may well be unable to fulfill it? If I don't I will be letting them down horribly as it's a specialist area and a crucial time - and everyone has just assumed I am carrying on. It's a very public role, working with large numbers of schools and the local authority, so if I fuck it up, I potentially lose my reputation in all the local schools.

Consequently, I don't think I would be seen by occupational health or even qualify for sick leave TBH.

Clairy, you have never come across as workshy. Have you had any CBT? If so CBT that thought. As for letting everyone down, how can being unwell let everyone down? it is normal to think like this when you are depressed, but you are letting no one down any more than if you had a physical illness.

Yes I have & I had a few months off work 6 years ago. I wasn't able to form a long term view of when I could go back - I very much took each day as it came. In the end I just woke up one day and felt like I could face it and went in a few days later. Work played a huge part in my illness so some changes had to be made there in terms of my work load and business sponsor etc before I knew I could face it. Also I went back on half days for a bit.

I didn't see Occ. Health though I was seeing a counsellor via work. And my GP of course.

I didn't have the same pressures about contract etc that you have. My worry would be if you force yourself back before you are ready, it could have an awful effect on your health in the future. Is there really no compromise solution on workload, hours etc? What would be the worst case scenario if you signed the contract then was too ill to go back in Sep? Seems a shame to give up a 12 month contract for because of your current situation - I can understand you don't want to let people down though - my dad gave up his job due to his depression related absences. It was a small company and it was making him worse thinking about how he was letting them down. He was at an age where he could take early retirement though.

Really hope you work though this and feel better soon.

Ok, the contract makes it slightly more complicated, but it is still not set in stone. If you are working for an LA then your are most certainly entitled to see occy health, get in there now if you can before that contract expires and get some advice. Also, do you have anyone at work who you trust to talk to? Sound someone in your team out. They may well rather have someone who they know is good return in couple of months than advertise for an unknown entity who won't know the job. You will not know if you don't ask. I know that it will be hard to motivate yourself to do this, but it will be an achievement if you do.

Edited to add: the sooner you make the calls and sort it the sooner it is not hanging over you like a hatchet making you feel awful. Really wrestle with yourself to make the calls if you can.

Oh clairy ?

FWIW MrH was desperate to get back to work when his company went under, he felt totally redundant at home. However I don't think he was juggling illness as you are.

I can only imagine how confused you feel, because honestly, this issue does seem a little complex. Could you discuss this with anyone at work? would it be possible to take on the contract if you couldn't start for a few months? can you live without your wages? sounds simple, but if you really can afford it maybe you should.

I feel like i want to bring you to my house and look after you x

Yes, twice.

The first time I took a few weeks, had a few counselling sessions, declared myself better and "got on" with normal life.

The second time resulted in a 3month stay in a psychiatric unit.

The 5 years inbetween the two breakdowns were filled with recurrent depressive episodes (lasting between a months and 6 months+ at a time) plus the loss of my son and several psychotic episodes.

I strongly feel that not allowing myself the time and space to really recover first time round. Even now, more than a year after my admission to hospital, I am on a cocktail of drugs, and still under the care of a psychiatric team, including weekly visits from a psych nurse. I have days where I am literally paralysed with fear and anxiety, and still have alot of help in caring for my children (my fulltime job). I am much, much better though.

Serious depression is utterly crippling and debilitating. It is not something one can just snap out of or get over; and you run the risk of doing yourself lasting damage if you "bite off more than you can chew", if you will.

I have no way of knowing how ill you are; it could well be that you are suffering but would be helped by the return to work and 'normailty'. Just from what you have said above though, it doesn't appear to be the case to me.

Its really hard to say this without it sounding like scaremongering, but serious depressive illness can take over peoples' lives, it can become an illness that you don't recover from....IF you don't heed what your body and mind are trying to tell you. As is oft stated, depression is an illness/injury like any other...if your ankle was shrieking in pain everytime you put weight on it...would you attempt the marathon, or would you listen to what your body was telling you and rest?

If it is financially viable, I would give serious consideration to not returning to work in September and allowing yourself to heal. Its all very well to think about others and 'letting them down'; but what about letting yourself down?

Big hugs, its a horrible place to be, and I wish you all the best. Feel free to give me a shout if you ever want to talk: *********@***.***

6 months. And it was grimmer than a grim thing, you have my sympathy.

Clairy it will get better my darling. Big question - do you actually want to do the job? My breakdown was triggered by being in a simultaneous series of situations from which I couldn't escape for one reason or another. Work being the worst, because of the financial aspect.

Oh, Clairy, I missed your other post about what you've been going through - you poor thing. Massive hugs to you.

When I was struggling to cope the one thing I realised was that I needed permission to stop coping - if that makes sense? It sounds to me like you need the same thing - for someone 'in charge' to tell you that it's OK for you to step off the merry go round, get yourself together - however long it takes - and then get back on, if you want to. You might choose a different ride altogether. And this needs to be made clear to your husband and your in laws as well - they are pressuring you and all that will do is force you into a position where you're not comfortable and it will blow up in their faces.

Wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a hug.

I don't really know what to say. I've had 3 mental breakdowns (my first at age 15) and I still don't know what to suggest to help you. I'm in a bit of a bad way at the moment and have no advice to give but just wanted to say you're not alone.

This is really accurately and thoughtfully put well put. Especially the 'permission to stop coping' part.

and wss re: the family 'support'....its so hard when you come up against the attitudes held by many that you just need to 'pull yourself together'; my H's family still pretty much ignores how ill I was. Luckily I had great support from my H and from my own family. Both of which were (are) pretty vital in the recovery process.

I found it especially helpful to take my husband, who though supportive, had no experience/knowledge of mental illness, to as many of my appointmets as possible. It helped him view it as a real and significant illness, and he could hear from the horse's mouth about my drugs regimen, treatment options, where the doctors thought I was in terms of progress etc.

He was also entitled to a Carer's Assessment, the purpose of which was to help him learn how best to support me, discuss the impact my illness had had on him, and the family as a whole, whether he needed additional support, etc. Worth investigating - your CMHT should be able to give you more info.

?

Oh Clairy darling. ?

I echo what the others say, particularly keeping your husband 'in the loop' (a big mistake I made) and also not to go back to work just yet.

I lived in a big black hole, terrified of myself and what I saw as the world crumbling in on top of me. It took quite some time until I could start to see the light again and had I worked, I don't think I could have coped very well with it at all.

Please yell if I can offer you any help or support at all and I genuinely mean that. Take care lovely. ?