Been together 11 years...

Yep - we were in the same situation. Together for 9 years by the time they met (about a year after we got engaged).

I organised a trip to show them all round the wedding venue together and we went for lunch. Relaxed and informal - worked well.

Hmm sounds like you need something informal and with a few more people. Do either you or OH have any siblings? If they have children even better! Could you host an informal BBQ type event with all parents and their respective partners and then 'dilute' them a bit with siblings and any other close friends. perhaps you could use the excuse of discussing final wedding day details (and therefore justifying having any bridesmaids/best man etc there). That way there's enough people to take away any ackwardness and you could designate someone the duty of keeping your mum and your dad's new partner apart? With the wedding coming up there's a good topic to bond everyone and you could also use it as a time to designate any jobs you want to delegate or to help make any DIY bits (favours or centre pieces?).

Wow! 11 years IS a long time for them not to have met!

I agree, it's usually more likely for gatherings to occur when there are children involved but it still seems a little odd to me that none of the parents have at least been curious enough about their child's other half's genetic makeup to want to meet up.

I know I am blessed in that we have no family issues at all- Tbh we are all pretty much one large extended family and I do genuinely feel for other members when I see they have problems.

BUT like you said, it's not really due to negative issues, it's more that your parents have never really felt the NEED to meet.

Soooooo, given that MIL is a bit phobic of social situations, is there any way that you guys could just get all the parents round to yours for drinks and nibbles informally?. Say, a pre wedding update sesh and celebration? You could maybe just view it as a 'Thankyou for bringing us up to be the ace people we are' gathering lol.

Sorry I can't be more help but I do think it would be lovely if you could all be united before the biggest day of your lives xx

Thanks for all the suggestions! Our gaff is pretty much out of the question; there's barely enough room for me and OH, let alone hosting potentially another 6 people! I think neutral turf is a good idea. My dad has made noises about having a BBQ at his and inviting OHs mum and dad over, perhaps I'll nudge him when I see him at the weekend?

Like you say, it's not an intentional avoidance, they've just never really seemed that bothered!

None of my siblings have children either, I'm afraid so we can't use them as a distraction! Hence the pressure is on me as the first to get married (I think they're going to have a looooooong wait thanks to my complete lack of any maternal instinct...)

Yes I have been in a very similar situation!

My OH and I live in London, his family live in Aberdeen and my family in Hampshire. My parents are long divorced, both with new partners and my mum in particular hates socialising. We got engaged after 9 years and thought we must force the issue so whilst OH parents were staying with us in London, we took them down to Hants for the evening. OH joked it was time we got 'all three halves of the family together!'

I was already down there to do something else that day so the plan was I would gather them in the pub (along with my cheeky younger brother and his quite outgoing girlfriend to provide some light relief) and he would drive them down from London. There was an awkward moment when various people were stuck in traffic and I was in the pub just with my parents and their partners, with a lot of awkwardness and enforced jollity about the weather etc but once everyone was there it was fine. Having 10 of us there meant it was just enough to break into smaller groups for chatting but not be too large to know who everyone was and afterwards OH'd dad commented how civilised my parents were to socialise like that!

My tip would be to keep it informal - drinks not dinner - and have a few others there that can be relied upon to fill conversational gaps and keep things light. The first time will be awkward but in future it will be easier.

It was the same with our parents. Absolutely no animosity on either side - they've just always lived in different areas of the country and have never had a reason to meet.

Not quite as long but together nearly 5 years before we got them in the same room together.

On my birthday this year (January) at our house just for a coffee- I don't think that it lasted longer than half an hour but at least they met.

Doubt they will meet again before the wedding and aren't likely to after I wouldn't think- no reason in particular- they have nothing in common except me and boyo.

^ I wonder how much it all changes if you have children. Any OMs (or those with litte ones) want to shed some light? I have images of new grandparents suddenly desperate to practically move in with you. LOL

We've been married for 11 years and have a (soon to be) 10 year old son. Our parents have met twice - once at our wedding and again at the christening. My parents are divorced but my dad and my wife's parents both live in the same town.

They will ask after each other, send their regards and there's no animosity - they just don't move in the same circles. Wife's parents are older and don't socialise much, that's probably the main reason.

I suppose what I'm saying is that if they don't meet until the day it's not likely to be a problem.

We have been together 14 years and have two children but our parents will be meeting for the first time at our wedding. I don't see there's anything to be gained by making them meet beforehand, if your OHs mum is shy then it's likely to be very awkward for her. I would just let them meet at the wedding where there's lots going on to distract everyone.

I think we've been quite lucky in this respect. My family all live close by so when his family came to visit us and see our first home (a year after we met) they all came over for a BBQ. They've since met again at OH's 30th birthday and at our engagement party, so that's 3 times since we met 5 years ago which I don't think is too bad considering how far away they live.

Could you have some kind of drinks/informal dinner or lunch with all the sets of parents and the rest of the bridal party? I kinda advanced rehearsal dinner perhaps? That way it's not just the family present and it won't be so much of a pressured event? Just a thought...

Eugh, this is something I'm going to have to think about in the near future!

My mum would like to meet his parents - his have no interest in meeting my mum ☹️

Oh that's sad

Why?

Nope, 'fraid not! My youngest (OH's only child) is 4 this August. FMIL (or FML which is more appropriate) has seen him 4 times since he was born, I've met her 3 in the 5 years we've been together and my parents have never met her. They met FIL and Step-FMIL once for half an hour at the little one's first birthday where Fil spent the whole time telling my mum that he hadn't been a very good father while H2B was growing up but he was going to make up for it with his grandson. We didn't see him for another 18 months after that. The wedding will be fun ?

They are nice people and perfectly nice to me, but with mum it's nothing personal, they just don't really have an interest in the wedding. They never even said congratulations after we got engaged! I think it's because he was married before to a witch, so they either are cautious I'll turn out the same, or have just 'been there, done that' with him and weddings.

Sad times - and in stark contrast to my mum who is bouncing off the walls!

Awww. Bless your mum. T'is only polite to meet her if she's keen to meet them.

Yes I agree! We have a similar thing where my parents are really excited, as is OH mum but his dad (FFIL), who has been divorced from his mum for years, probably couldn't care less about the wedding. We're not bothered though as there is enough excitment between us and the others to more than make up for it.

Mine met properly for the first time at our engagement party after we'd been together about 3 years. His parents had met my mum briefly a couple of times but nothing major. I agree with people saying there has just never really been any need for them to spend time together. We both know our parents aren't similar people and definitely wouldn't socialise if it weren't for their children being together, so I don't really think it's fair to force them.

I've been with my OH 10 years and our parents can't have met more than 5 times max. Mums have crossed paths a bit more but still not all that much. Just like you the occasion hasn't really arrisen.

When OH and I do our food tasting we are inviting our mums too to get them together a bit (and to try to get them a tiny bit excited about the wedding).

Our dads will meet again (they've maybe met twice before??) on wedding our day and not before I think.

We've been together 11 years and I don't know whether we're getting married next year or at all. I don't know whether we're right together or not, he's the only one I've ever been out with, so I don't know what is working out not. A lot of my friends are married or getting married and I feel left behind. How so I know he's the one! I know couples fall out but it makes me question whether we're right.

I'm confused.

One thing that also keeps bugging me is that just before we moved into our house (about 16 months ago) his Dad exposed himself to me! Now let me say first that his Dad is a lovely guy and this is completely out of character. I reckon he must have been drinking or something, but don't know for sure. I'd gone for tea at his parents before he moved out and after tea his Mum and Brother had gone out and my OH had just left to play football. I was going to meet some friends so didnt leave until a little while after. Not long before leaving his Dad and asked 'if I fancied a bit' and proceeded to to get everything out! I was shocked to say the least and very embarrassed! I said no and that I loved Luke. He asked if I was sure and I said yes. He put it all back and then kind of to himself said 'I can't believe I just did that'. He then asked if I was offended, to which I replied no and then left asap. The only people who know about it are me, his Dad and my OH, although OH has never spoken about it to his Dad - despite me askignhim too as I'm too embarrassed, he never has. So I don't know why he did it. I am pretty much over it now, although it took a while to feel comfortable around him, but it is always there in the back of my mind. I am too embarrassed to say anything to him and disappointed that my OH hasn't the balls to stand up for me. I still don't know what to say, he says it would cause problems between his parents - well it's not exactly a usual occurrence - so I think that's why he's never said anything.

My parents would hit the roof, but I'm far too embarrassed to tell them what happened and feel the longer I leave it, the harder it gets.

I honestly don't know if they're general feelings or jitters or what.

But I've no idea how the hell to bring up what happened with his Dad.

Sounds stupid, but I sometimes have to remind myself it wasn't a dream or something, cos it doesn't seem real!

Wow Piestar, that's some baggage to have carried around for 11 years! Has it been playing on your mind more since wedding preps began? Could you not speak to OH and tell him what you have said here, maybe in not so many words, but it may be this is the underlying issue and until your OH speaks to FFIL you will continue to have doubts?

As someone else has said don't get married if your main reason is you feel left behind.........Im 42, been in 2 long term relationships (been with OH over 13 years now and have 2 kids!) and I have never ever been engaged!

Loadsa Gifts, it happened only a couple of years ago not long nefore we got the house. I've told OH that it makes me feel embarrassed and insecure, but he is a very shy person and has never spoken to his Dad about it. I am not a person to cause trouble and feel by not saying anything - I was and still am embarrassed and ashamed? to - that I'll make it worse by not having said something before. It was wrong yes, but there are things far worse that have been done to people, so it feels a little silly?

Piestar, no way are you silly..............I would be mortified..........OH dad says things ocassionally that are a bit inappropriate but I would knock him out if he ever did anything like that! He had obviously known you a long time before he even did it..........I know its really embarrassing but if OH cannot approach his dad, do you feel you would be able to? You must not feel embarrassed or ashamed in any way! How has his dad behaved with you since?

We didn't do it all in one go. Both sets of our parents helped us move in together so all came across each other then!

My mum and Dad are separated and my dad had worked hard to keep his partner (at the time of about 3years) away from mum for some bizarre reason. We organised a curry round ours so that they could all meet each other before our first got christened as didn't want it to be awkward.

It is definitely different IMO when you have children as they suddenly have common ground. Our children are a little part of ALL of them (except Dad's gf), so they have this special link. They see each other a fair bit at birthdays/Christmas/random BBQs etc.

Sorry to hear your feeling like this, 11 years is a long time to be with someone and if you see them every day it can be hard to get some perspective. Maybe some time away from your OH would be a good idea so you can sort out your feelings. I know what it's like to see all your friends get married and feel like your getting left behind but the most important thing is that you're happy and marrying him for the right reasons.

Sorry no advice on the dad issue other than to make sure you're never left alone in the same room with him again!

I've been around his Dad since and things are no longer awkward - for me anyway - I have no idea what he was thinking when we met afterwards. I've told my OH in no uncertain terms that he needs to speak to his Dad to let him no he's unhappy and how it made me feel.

We had a bit of a Barney the other day about wedding stuff and my Mum said to stop planning when we have no money and stop putting pressure on ourselves. OH said he would take £1000 out his ISA when I've got £500 in the e saver. He says we'll try and have the date we want and has also admitted that both of us don't bring certain things up about the wedding as we fall out. So we have agreed that we need to talk about stuff a lot more with each other.

We're going to see a place on Sunday and he says we really do need to start looking at places. I think things just get on top of us. When I've calmed down I know I love him, money is just a big stress!

It really is. The thing I remember my parents arguing about more than anything is cash! It's such a silly thing to come between two people when you think about it. It's nice that you've had a proper chat and found common ground in wedding terms though.

But...if the money stress is really causing so much friction, have you thought about putting your plans on hold temporarily? OH and I had a long engagement- we knew we wanted to get married, but we both had significant debts and could no way afford it at the time, even within a year or so. So we waited for about 5 years until our debts were completely cleared and now we've saved up some cash (OH commented the other day that he's got more savings in his account now than he's every had!) so money worries aren't an issue in terms of the wedding. Sure, we're still on a budget, but we know we can afford what we've planned. For the first time in our lives, we're actually not stressing about money! It really does make a difference.

Where are you looking on Sunday? Hope it works out! BTW saw your dress on another thread- what a winner! The colours are beautiful.

Oh, and about the father-in-law thing? Mine gawps at my tits every time I see him. He's a bit short and he probably can't help it but still. Awkward. That sort of behaviour is a bit weird; I'd keep an eye on him. If he does it again, bat it with a rolled up newspaper.

Haha oh my goodness I proper laughed at that! Well we can get some money together we have saved, so our budget would be about £1500 for everything. If we can do it as cheap as poss and have a lovely day, then champion

Urgh! You are SUCH a forum hog.

Ours have met- they still hate each other. It could be worse.

Our parents hadn't really met before the wedding either - just a couple of brief hello's. We thought it would be good to get everyone together for Christmas day, but the 2 dads didn't even make it to Christmas morning!! My advice in this is to keep them away from the booze ? they did kiss and make up before the wedding thankfully!!