can i have a sanity check? aibu - overprotectiveness of children

Not in my eyes your not. my daughter is eight and i cant think of an age where i will let her do most/ any of those things lol

I did those things at yonger than 9, but then I grew up in the North of Scotland. I was walking to school on my own by 8 certainly (about 1/2 mile)

It's an old cliche, but age is just a number. It depends so much on the child, their maturity, understanding, confidence etc.

I was very independent at 9, but I was a confident and mature child.

Being devils avocado, you could puport that I was confident and mature because I was allowed a lot of freedom. But of course, this is impossible to prove.

I think the bottom line is what the parents are happy with.

However, you may be able to do things to alleviate the anxiety. For example, re the sleepovers; get to know the other parents a bit before they stay over so that you feel comfortable with them.

Even as a humble non-parent, it's obvious to me that a 'disaster' can happen to your child at any age (including adulthood). You can't wrap them in cotton wool and prevent them from happening, despite every instinct wanting you too.

I think 9 is too young for those things you've mentioned. I'd feel more comfortable around the age of 12 but that seem too strict! But then I've got no children myself so it's all a bit hypothetical ...

I was getting a bus to school by age nine, plus spent most of my time playing out. i'd been doing sleepovers for years by then, albeit with children who's parents my mother knew

i don't think i was particularly unusual

My son is 8 , he is allowed to play at his friends over the road and his friend plays here.

We also allow him play on the path but within sight.

He has also slept there but we do know the parents.

Most of the other children on our street play out of sight , gather on corners ect.

There is quite a few things our son asks to do because his friends are allowed but we don't let him.

They go to the shop alone , cross busy roads , one even walks to school alone.

We live next to a football ground and the children are allowed to play there , at which point my son comes in and waits for them to return all the while scowling at me.

My H says i'm a little too strict with him but i just wouldn't settle if i couldn't see him from my window.

I can't imagine that I won't be allowing our daughter to play out in the street or cross the road by the age of 9. I would hope by then that she is walking to/from school by herself.

I was definitely doing all those things by the age of 9, although as society has changed so much I'm not sure it's really a direct comparison.

I don't think YABU but perhaps a little bit too overcautious.

Crossing the road and walking around by themselves, for instance. Well, depends where / how far away from home etc. A 5 minute walk to a shop to spend pocket money to me wouldn't seem unreasonable for a typical 9 year old.

I was very much a free spirit at 9yrs old (1 hour round trip to school by public transport, out playing without my parents having a clue where I was ). And due to some of the things that happened to me, there won't be a chance in hell any children of mine will be given the same level of freedom.

I don't think it's too young, but I was given a huge amount of freedom from a very young age, but then that was in a small village in the 70's, no gangs and you knew to avoid the loonies. Also I got sent to Belgium when I was 9 by myself. Day long bike rides by myself at 7. Aah, the 70's. Long hot summers and loads of sweets for my5p a week pocket money. Aaaaaah.

My BF lets her kids of 8 and 10 go to the park by themselves, it's only across a road. Also it's a small community round here, plenty of known grownups to help if they get into bother

That all said, I don't think you're BU, your instinct is paramount. You are the mother.

I was doing all those things at 9, and was in fact walking to and from my school, which was a good 15 minutes' walk away. And we lived in Miami which was crime central when we were there (mid-80s). We lived in a nice neighbourhood, granted, but guess who else lives in nice neighbourhoods in Miami? Lots of drug dealers. As children, we were aware of which houses were the drug barons' houses, and once after school I recall getting on our bikes to see the house where there'd been a double murder and you could still see blood on the windows.

We moved to the UK when I was 10, so I know I was doing all thes ethings before then.

WSS.

I remember my Dad teaching me to cross the main road safely so I could go to the shops myself - at about 7, I think.

Well I don't really know what 9 year olds are like (I'm familiar with under 3s but that's as far as it goes just now) but I think a lot of it does depend on the child. At 9 I was getting the bus to a school in another village, albeit with my classmates. I was allowed to cross the main road in front of our house by myself I think and to walk around the village in daytime. Not after dark. But then it was a small village and everyone knew each other. The sleepovers thing I'm less happy with.

Ah but Keef the world was a different place back then ?

I think 9 is a bit young but am not sure when I would be comfortable tbh. I know I used to play out from about 7 but it was always within shouting distance of home. If my primary school hadn't been a 2 mile walk with 4 busy roads to cross then I'm sure I'd have been walking home alone in Y6.

The kids on our estate have too little supervision IMHO, they play on the road with no regard to the traffic (20mph zone, but still has loons driving too fast) and I've had to turf them out of my garden several times. They're all under 7 btw.

I think a sleepover would be ok as long as you felt comfortable with the parents, my paranoid mummy mode might want to get a CRB check first though ?

but it hasn't really. walking to school is walking to school, and playing out is playing out, whether it's 1959 or 2009

the only thing that has genuinely changed is the volume of traffic. but schools have crossings built near them so even that shouldn't cause a problem. assuming the child isn't doing a two mile trek to get there first

WKS. Stranger danger is no more a risk now than it was then.

Your kids, your way hun ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, you know your kids and what you feel comfortable with

but

I am determined that my son will have as much freedom as possible and would hope that at 9 he will be happily skipping to the shops and spending the night away. I know that there is always the risk that something could happen and if it did I know I would never forgive myself but I'd have to weigh that against the benefits I think he would get from the independence and freedom. Of course, he's only six months so my feelings may change over the intervening 8 1/2 years.

I wonder when we say that the world is so much more of a dangerous place now how much of that danger has been created in our heads......

It really does depend on the child. I was staying at my best friend's house at nine, but my little brother would have panic attacks and need to come home at midnight ?

Has it though?

It strikes me as something people just say with very little evidence to be totally honest.

I live in the same part of London that I did as a young child. There's been some insignificant shifting as to the "nicest" bits and the "roughest" bits but overall I'd be really hard pushed to pin down any evidence that it's changed in any significant way from the environment I grew up in.

There are still old folks and young folks, families, teenagers, students, a few crazies, but no more than 20 years ago.

I think this is a really important point. If you're going to do a risk/benefit analysis then it's important to consider the benefits as well as just the risks.

Really? Is that because you don't want her to grow up or because you genuinely think she's not ready to start taking on some independence/think she's in mortal danger if you allow her a bit more freedom?

My mum was quite strict about us not going further than "around the block" or so until we were 10 or so, but we were allowed to play on our street. I do agree that some of our neighbours were fairly nuts - allowing their 2 year olds to wonder around in the presumption that their 5 year old sibling would be taking care of them. Um, great if you live in a quiet village, perhaps, not so good for a housing estate.

true. had anyone approached me i would have just whacked them over the head with my gas mask box ?

i sound like the sort of child you would have been turfing out of your garden tbh. ? we used to spend hours playing hide and seek in the street. we did live in a cul-de-sac though, so the traffic thing wasn't such an issue. i wouldn't let my (potential) children play on the road outside ours, but there's a perfectly good playing field/playground 500 yards away

Interesting quote from the 'Child of Our Time' book by Dr Tessa Livingstone

'....many of us have gradually become more protective of our children and less willing to allow them to develop independence. In some ways, over-protection can have a similar effect to being overly criticized: both reduce a child's ability to trust her instincts, her sense of agency is undermined and so is her self belief................Fear is catching, so it is worth thinking carefully about whether your fears are realistic'

I'm trying to remember what I was up to at 9, I think I was definately walking to school on my own (short walk and down backstreets so no roads to cross) and I live in a block of terraced houses with a backstreet before the drives and gardens and we used to play out the back around cars etc although the neighbours were aware of the kids.

I know I had sleepovers too because I remember them with primary school friends.

I don't think much has changed round here tbh, the council estates can still be a bit grim in parts but overall it still feels the same.

Trust me you're not. They're ASBO hoodies in the making ? You've seen steptoe's yard my garden, that huge hedge means that their parents (if they were actually bothered) wouldn't be able to see them unless they came in the garden too. And I'm not having Fishwife Mum in my garden thank you very much!

? at gas mask

Mmm - ok - so i am a bit loon but not totally - i can live with that ?

i dont really know this woman - i have let her play there and she let them go off on their own to a park where she couldnt see them - it is on a bit of a dodge estate and while i am not too bothered about the stranger danger i am very worried about busy traffic, prattish teenagers charging round in cars and needles/broken glass

they have moved and it is better in some ways worse in others - the child still goes to park on her own - this is an area with significant problems and i would want to check it was safe and there werent feckwits around - plus the traffic problem

the invitation is for tomorrow so it doesnt give much time to decide - my gut reaction is no but she is obviously upset

i am starting to get her to do the road crossing on her own - albeit with me there in case she misses a car (until she gets the hang of it)

there are no zebra crossings on any of the roads between us and school - not even on the road that runs between the infant and junior site

there have been campaigns for years but they will not put one in (until someone gets killed apparently) - if they did i would let her walk to school - but the road is v dangerous (very straight and long and lots of speeding) plus lots of illegal parking/unloading from various business so it is v difficult to see if it is safe to cross

One of the best examples of over protectiveness i ever saw was on one of our rival forum BT sites. it was about children using public toilets alone

one lady said she wouldn't let her son go into a bathroom until he was 'eleven or twelve, maybe older' i remember thinking 'hhhhmmm, so your high school age boy would let mummy take him to the loo. good luck with that' ?

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maybe i should have said people's perception of society.

Oh that reminds me of the time I was in Oxford St M&S loo and a woman was in there with her hulking great son, he may have been younger but he looked about 13. She made him stand outside the cubicle door while she had a wee ?

Ok - so i just phoned to say ok she can come but please dont let her go wandering around

mob number - no answer then get a voice text saying 'who is this'

is that normal? to be screening your calls to that extent

so many of these people seem to have such fecking chaotic lives - this is the other thing - i just feel i dont know enough for her to be staying there all night

My first instinct in that situation would be that he had some kind of learning disability.

I regularly encounter odd looks from randoms out an about/on public transport etc with Youngest Brother (15, autistic, 'normal' looking, over 6 foot). I've learnt to just ignore them.

Of course, she could have just been a particularly overprotective Mum.

They were having quite an in depth conversation whilst in the queue about some clothes she had just tried on. I don't know much about autistic behaviour but from the autistic children I've met I wouldn't say he exhibited any signs at all. I'd say he's going to have some major problems getting a girlfriend in later life.

I screen my calls, if it's a number I don't recognise I won't answer (unless I'm expecting a call) and if it's important they can leave a voicemail and I'll call back.

If you don't feel comfortable with it don't let her stop over