Can I have some 'don't be a wimp' vibes for tonight please?

Oh LouM, I don't have any advice but it does sound like you have made your decision (and from reading here over the past few months, maybe it's been made for a while).

Good luck, and I really hope all works out for you when you move on.

Re the fag smoke, can you burn dinner so that it overpowers the fags??

? Naughty Lou. Can you meet him somewhere else?

TBH I think you probably are being a bit unfair, but a. I can entirely understand why the fresh start thing is more important, and b. this is about your feelings and emotions - it's not a legal contract. So, be strong.

?

I suspect you're screwed on the smoke front but it's the least of your worries!

I think it's fair to suggest to him that you move the deadline because of your new work situation but I think it would also be fair of him to say it's unfair if he doesn't want to do so...

There, if I bend over, could you just remove the fence splinters from my bum? ?

From the way you are viewing Manchester, it really doesn't sound like you are thinking the outcome of this 3-month break will be the rescue of your marriage so I'd say be honest with him and see what he says...

I think you know the answer already so good luck and I'm sure you won't be a wimp.

re the fags, blame it on the smoke blowing in from the back door ?

Sending lots of vibes. I really don't think 3 weeks is going to make a huge amount of difference. I doubt you'll feel any differently that you do now.

Re - the smell of fags. Try walking around lighting matches. It's meant to neutrolise (bad spelling) smells.

Good luck ?

Oh darling. ?

a) You've been thinking about this for so long, not just since hearing about Manchester b) I think the unfair thing would be to leave you both in limbo for 6-12 months, c) I don't think you'll regret it. Yes, you'll have wibbles but I think it's the right decision for you at this time in your life. You have a new life just around the corner and I think it's something you need to do by yourself. Others may not even have gone through the channels you have, they would have left some time ago. You gave it thought and you gave it every chance.

You are lovely, confindent, beautiful, strong, clever, funny, gorgeous, generous and so many more words and you deserve every happiness in the world. I and others are here to hold your hand. I think you need to take this very brave step and start the next chapter of your life.

Remember what my mum said. ?

Lots of vibes coming your way. I know it'll be really hard to be strong, but try to keep thinking about how excited you were yesterday and how much better things will be if you can keep strong...

As for the fag smoke...think you're screwed!

Lou, I don't know the background of your situation at all (I'm a really crap Hitched stalker, clearly) and from what you've said it does sound logical to try and sort things out today, but I would say this; if I was him, and I thought we were just having 'a meeting' to talk things over and you sprung on me that you wanted a decision today, my head might not be in the right place to do that, IYSWIM.

But anyway, why not just be honest and tell him what you've said to us? If you're both pretty clear what your decision will be then 3 weeks won't change it.

Sounds sh1te anyway and have a large glass of something ? for dutch courage (maybe not IRL).

As the others have said Lou, I think your mind is pretty much made up anyhow and for what it's worth, I don't think it's unfair of you to move the timelines.

Do youhave any indication as to how he is feeling? You might be worrying and stressing over nothing.

Either way, I hope it goes well tonight. Stay strong, we're here for you ?

I think you should tell him how you feel. That's the most important thing.

Re the fags, I once had a fabulously sordid pervy relationship in which punitive measures revolved almost entirely around my consumption of the evil weed. Some weeks I really didn't fancy any filth, and so I can tell you that Febreeze works brilliantly, on everything. Then open the windows to get rid of the smell of Febreeze.

?

PMSL. Only you! ?

What can I say? I like(d) to keep busy ?

LouM - I'd been wondering how things were faring with you, and had lost track of where you'd got to. I remember yor sharing my pain some months - or maybe even longer ago - when we were going through some similar difficulties.

Having missed some of the 'action' so to speak, I don't know exactly what's gone on, but I'd say your feelings are entirely natural and not in the least bit wimpish. It does sound rather as if you may already know, deep down, which way you want things to go, it it's only natural you should feel unsettled about what you may be about to instigate.

I'd say that three weeks isn't really going to make the difference one way or the other, but that you need to be fair and find out how Mr L feels. Maybe he feels the same as you but doesn't want to be the first to say anything. Or maybe he really, really, wants to give things another go. But you can only do that if it's something you really, really want to do too.

Whatever happens, I'm wishing you the courage to be honest, the wisdom to be fair and the compassion to say whatever must be said in the right way. Hold onto the excitiement you've been feeling about the job and the move, and focus on how that makes you feel, and what you want!

Moving the goal posts might be a leetle unfair, I think you need to tell him how you feel though.

Good luck ?

As for removing fag smoke, candles will help. I have been norty and smoking in my house as it's too fricking cold to go outside, but I have the door into the garden open and then squirt febreeze everywhere, which is rank, but nicer than fag smell!!

Let me know how you get on xx

Right, I shall febreeze and if he starts sniffing the air, I'll just offer him a fag and bat my lashes (hmmm, that old trick may no longer be working. ?) I may also burn some food, good shout. I do remember burning toast at my parent's house when I was in my teens ot disguise the smell of a party.

Thanks everyone- I do need to tell him how I'm feeling and I'll acknowledge that I appreciate it's quite unfair to propose cutting our 3 month trial split down to something quite a bit shorter. I do need to let work know tomorrow (well, I'd say Friday at the absolute latest) so if I'm going to take the job, I need to tell him that we either decide on what we're doing now, or wait until my actual move in Jan to decide whether we're going to

a)continue the separation for another few months (seems a bit pointless, but then I've found the last 4 weeks a bit pointless tbh);

b) make a go of the relationship- either as a long distance thing (not much different from before) or he moves to Manchester with me (hmmm, unlikely); or

c) call it a day.

Of course, I have been thinking, quite overwhelmingly that c is the answer, but now that the feeling of relief and elation from coming clean with parents and friends has subsided, I do feel a little lost. As a very lovely hitcher counselled me not too long ago- be prepared for feeling sad and lost and don't mistake these feelings for something else (sic.)

And MrsM, I do take great comfort in the chat I had with your mum. I think if I thought he was a bit more sorted in his own life I woujldn;t feel so awful about everything- as it is, I feel like I'm abandoning him, but his complete impotence in tis whole situation is also making me cross (which is a much better emotion just now, I think).

Wah, sorry, that turned into a bit of a babble.

THanks everyone- as ever, hitched rocks! ? I'll let you all know how I get on. ?

Moving the goal posts could be seen as unfair but so could keeping him hanging for another 2 months when you already know what you want in your heart, never mind for another 6 months minimum. I think he must know this is it for you but the 3 months thing has given him a chance to hold on a bit longer.

You wouldn't be abandonning him lovely, he's his own person who has made choices in this too over the course of your time together. I know it's not that easy in reality, of course.

Much love and magic hugs. ?

I'm late to this and can't offer any better advice than is already on here, but just wanted to offer my 'best of luck' vibes. The very best thing you can do for both of you is be honest, that's all. Having been someone who also had a trial separation, which ended in me forcing the position to split (and then feeling bad about it for many years later, due to how he took it and as a consequence his life suffered for quite a while afterwards) I can empathise totally - but now I know, wholeheartedly, that it was the right decision and he's a milllion times better off without me. You can't be responsible for how people move on from broken relationships - as long as you know in your head and heart that it's the right long-term decision, and you do it in an open and honest manner, then that's all you can focus on right now. Sorry, I might be babbling now ?.

Good luck lovely Lou ?

Re the moving the goalposts re time - I guess you already know what your feelings are, and I think you need to just go with your gut feeling on that. A few weeks, a month, whatever, I guess isn't going to change anything there. All it's doing is bringing forward what you've already decided, arguably it's kinder to him and his feelings than simply postponing the inevitable.

No help re the fag smoke sadly - febreze? Buy a big bunch of lillies on the way home and hope the stink of them blocks it out?

I think this is what I was trying to say when I said about him being his own person. I had a trial seperation with my ex and went back because he begged me too. Nine months later, I left him for good but was upfront, did it calmly and sympathetically etc etc. I know he didn't cope well but once I was away, no matter how much he begged, cried, sent flowers, sent letters, called my friends (you get the picture ?), I knew I couldn't go back. He didn't cope very well with it and I got a real shock when I saw him a few months later but it really wasn't up to me how he dealt with it. It wasn't easy but it was the absolute right thing for me to do. Heck, I wasn't blameless, I had my failings too but walking away with my dignity intact was the best thing I ever did.

?

Hard, isn't it? - But much better than being in a relationship which ultimately isn't going to work for either of you. My ex ended up in hospital twice after I left (once through getting drunk in the house by himself, standing on a glass and cutting through an artery, and second time by refusing to eat and then collapsing at work due to organ failure). The feeling that all this was 'my fault' was overwhelming - but actually, no, it was his own actions, not mine, that brought him to that point.

The happy ending is that he's about to get married for the third time (and not to me ? ) so I know that all that is so far behind him that it's a distant memory.

My ex is getting married too FW, well according to his friends reunited thingumy (I don't stalk him btw, he's on the same page as me ?) so he has a happy ending too.

Heaven help her though. ? <runs away>

Oh gosh, Madge and FW, that must have been awful for you both! ? Fortunately, Mr Lou is far too proud/ lazy to conduct a campaign of flower sending/ stalking/ anorexia, thank goodness. He'll just take a stupid amount of class As and party way too hard, and bury his head in the sand .....and probably emerge in a month's time absolutely fine, the bugger. ? Meanwhile I'm feeling like a bit of a poor wee soul <wallows for 2 mins>. But then, I do have a sparkly new opportunity ahead of me, which couldn't have come at a better time (in fact, if I didn't know how much they need somebody to head up this portfolio in Manc I'd suspect they'd made up a pretendy job title just to get me away from here for a bit. Ah, my boss is such a sweetheart, I am so lucky in that respect.) Right! I am going to pull myuself together and stop playing devil's advocate with myself. ? ?

It's well in the past now lou, I can even laugh at the teddy bears, tesco flowers and the tips he'd learnt from reading 'Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus' now. ? We weren't married which made things a bit easier, he wouldn't commit to it although did propose about a week after I left him as he thought I would take him back. ?

I'm not surprised you feel a poorly wee soul <allows 2 mins of wallowing>

You do indeedy! [pompoms] No advocados needed here. ?

PS, have you had the 'I never really liked him anyway' from anyone yet? My mum told me that the day after I told her we had broken up. ? He was my older lover, she never approved.

Fortunately MrLou is a completely affable, loved-by-all, cheeky chappy, so I've not had the 'we always thought he was a ruddy prick' chat from anybody. ? Equally unhelpful, however, are the 'oooooh, noooooo, but you're the perfect couple, you're like soulmates, how can this have happened' comments from some people who obviously couldn't read our body language if it came up and bit them on the noggin.

I have had couple of people say that they had reservations about our suitability when we first got together, but they (rightly) kept their traps shut. ?

Ah, my mum was in the 'how could you dump this perfect man' camp - even to the degree that I went off and lived by myself, whilst she let him move into her house and live there rent free. She soon changed her mind about the 'perfect man' once she'd had to live with him for a bit, though - humble pie was eaten in large portions ?

Lou, I realise I forgot to say that I"m sorry about what's going on and all that and everything. And I am. But I'm not, IYSWIM. I think you've done/are completely doing the right thing, and I think it takes mahoosive balls, so well done you.

As for coming right out with it, I just told the ex Mr JK one Friday morning that I was leaving. He'd had about three days of me being odd to suss on, but he didn't really. I left that day and never went back. When he came to find me at my runaway address he shouted through the letterbox "I just want my wife back". Oh dear. Not terribly enticing really.

My aunt told me at the time that she thought I'd been really brave. I liked that. She was a bit wistful too. It is brave I think, to be prepared to be the bad guy, and to take that on the chin.

I also think that you have already made a decision, you are just wanting validation (?) Seriously, I know that there have been problems for a long time, do you feel the break thus far has made you think differently? I think that if in your heart you know that your marriage is over then it is probably best for both of you long term to draw a line now, even if it's very hard in the short term. You seem to be excited about Manchester as a new start and if that is truly what you want, then leaving both of you in limbo is probably not the best thing.

Ending a marriage is never an easy decision and I think most people always have the worry that they are making a mistake and will live to regret it. But, you have had some time now apart and I think that if you have been happier in this time, that probably gives you your answer too. Either way, whatever you decide, Manchester will be a fantastic opportunity for you.

Re smoke smell...umm, febreeze or shake n vac. I like the burn the dinner option.

"It is brave I think, to be prepared to be the bad guy, and to take that on the chin."

I agree with this 100%.

TBH Lou, I think it sounds as if your decision is already made. With that in mind, I think it is absolutely the right thing to be honest. Whether it's unfair/moving the goalposts etc- I'm not sure. It's obviously gutting for him but that's likely to be the case at any time- stretching things out when your decision is made is, if anything crueller as you risk giving false hope. I can very much see why you want a fresh start. The alternative, as I see it, is to carry on acting towards your H as if it's only a trial when actually you are just going through the motions and your decision is already made- I dont see how that benefits anyone.

Good luck. I hope it all goes as well as possible.

Lou I'm not wise enough to say anything helpful but I think JK talks a lot of sense (as ever). Whatever you decide, I hope it's as easy and as painless as it can be. Be happy ?

Absolutely feck all advice sorry, but here are a few big strong vibes coming down the interwebs. ?

Late as ever and I'm sure you're already in the middle of your conversation.

Lou, you are brave. I think you know what you should do. From what you've said I think Mr L will survive. It's sad, of course it is, but I think you need to put yourself first. If your mind is made up then it's probably fairest all round to settle things once and for all. If another few weeks will give him false hope then it's kinder to sort it now.

Lots of love though, you'll do yourself proud.

Again I am late to this - What Mrs M said and be strong.

I think the fresh Start inManc will do you the power of good and cant have come at a better time.

Really hope its going well. [pom poms aloft]

E x