Church weddings: Will you be obeying?

Same here..... we are both Christians and I want to use the most traditional vows - but when we had a chat with the vicar, she said that it's rarely used anymore so the CofE has sort of adapted it anyway - it's about what you want on the day.... I think I'm going to have obey because it's the tradition - and I'm sure you're OH isn't going to start telling you what to do after you are married and saying "well, you promised to obey"!!! lol - although if he's anything like mine, he will be already!! He keeps saying "just wait til after we're married - you have to do everything I say!!" lol!! I'm sure you can guess what I said to that!! xxx

I'm also in two minds about this one...

I really like the traditional aspect of keeping it in too, but I'm not really the obeying type and my OH knows it hehe (if someone tells me what to do I'll stubbornly not do it just because they've told me to do it iyswim!). Also I think I would feel like I was accepting a subordinate role in the marriage, which isn't really right for our relationship as we're very much equals in decisions and doing stuff!

So I think I'll probably end up replacing it with cherish or whatever.

Expects you to say it, or expects you to obey?!

Mrs Lewis to be - My OH does joke about it, but his Dad pointed out that it is he who currently Obeys me! haha. Mainly because obviously, I know best! hehe. I am trying to revert to the traditional role of having my Man look after me and be the "protector" which is the context in which I think the bible is leading, rather than todays context. This is an extract of the article which got me thinking about this:

"A very headstrong, independent woman might find submitting to her husband to be a bit sexist or offensive. When Paul shares in Ephesians chapter 5:22, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord," I don't believe it was intended to be either of these things. He continues on in verse 23 and 24, "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." "

Also, completely OT but I am a Mrs Lewis 2 b too!

Lilibet - I am not overly keen on cherish either, I find that contradictory too as I won't be cherishing washing his dirty socks or picking up his wet towels from the bathroom floor! haha

ililacit - that sounded really bad didn't it? I meant he expects me to say it. He is under no illusions that I am not the kind of woman who "Does as she is told".

I never had it in my vows, we had our own vows that we had written together & I refused to obey.

IMO, it's very archaic for todays modern world. Most of the bible is to be fair.

Trickers - I am serious.. Do you think I have gone a little bit mad? Hehe

Yay!! Mrs. Lewis to be!!! I'm actually wearing my freebie Vista Future Mrs. Lewis t-shirt!! lol (too much information wasn't it!!??)

I agree with you - I won't be submitting to my OH, or be a "lowly downtrodden wife" - and I know that marriage is a pagan ritual, but because of my beliefs, I wish to stay with the Christian vows and whatever you decide, you shouldn't be ridiculed for your beliefs. And although I am a very independent woman who knows my own mind, I do turn to my OH for advice and counsel - just as he does to me - it's really about the two of you in your relationship.

No offence but its like ive gone back a hundred years reading this thread!!!

Haha - I also have a Mrs Lewis to be T-shirt and a "Mrs Lewis" diamante to attach to a T-Shirt for the morning after the wedding. OH thinks it is very sad, but I am excited to be a Mrs L!

I know what you mean I won't be any downtrodden wide, I can't express how I feel on here without it all coming out wrong... I will try again..

OH is 4 years younger than me and earns a lot less than I do and although it doesn't matter to us, people do judge us by that and think it means I am the one with all the power. I just want my wedding vows to just remind everyone that H2b is well respected and that he will be the Man of the house etc but I also don't want that to overpower the fact that I am equally as important.

Another example of what I mean in terms of him being my protector would be if I heard a noise downstairs then H2b would be expected to go down with the baseball bat and not me!

Mrs A to B - yes that is what worries me! I think if / when I say the words "obey" there will be shocked faces from some of my friends as it is a very old fashioned thing to say..

I know it's one little word, but I know people (my best mates and brother) will especially look out for whether I say it or not.

Your vows, your choice, end of story.

The whole point of getting married in a church is to recognise God, as laid down in the Bible and the Christian faith, as part of a succesful marriage. It is not simply to "have a pretty building in the photos".

Quite how people can decide that following Christian principles, in a Christian service, in a Christian building, conducted by a Christian minister is "archaic" I fail to comprehend.

There are modern Christian alternatives though! Even the church has moved with the times.

I personally see no need for the word obey, i wouldnt obey my husband and i wouldnt expect him to obey me! But if you feel the need to use it then do!

Yes, there are different 'flavours' of Christianity, some traditional, some more modern - and people should be free to choose whatever one they feel is best suited to their beliefs (if, indeed, they have any) or lifestyle choices.

We have plenty of alternatives, we aren't forced to stick to one choice and that's it, so if people want to have "obey" in their vows, let them.

For the record, we haven't decided yet what words we're going to use but "obey" is unlikely to be in them.

I can see what you are saying AJ, but as Mrs Lewis 2b has posted, the Church of England now use "cherish" as standard - is this them saying that they were wrong originally and admitting that as ililacit states - times has moved on?!

I actually don't know! I am sure we will have this debate at our wedding preparation classes where I will find out what it means to other couples.

Loving the new profile picture AJ, but where are the other 14 toasters?!? JOKE!

I don't have a problem with CofE using "cherish" as standard, perhaps some people think "obey" is a throwback to when women were "property"?

I don't know though - surely you both say the same vows so if you choose to obey each other, what's the problem?

I think it is exactly this. 'Cherish' is now the standard.

If you do choose the word 'obey' however, why can't both individuals promise to 'obey', and 'worship'. Afterall, a relationship is considered to be an equal partnership

For the record AJ, I am a practising christian! Don't just make assumptions!

You don't obey each other... The woman says the words Obey, NOT the man. Which is why is can look like the woman is being walked all over.

Goodness me I am furher away from an answer now than I was before! Haha.

Unfortunately the avatar space is too small, it just looks like a blob.

I guess I could replace the signature with a row of toasters instead...

I think that might be the solution Ililacit - as I said I am trying to make a statement of our eqaulity as a couple and I think that this does best reflect that. Thank you!

Do you think the Vicar will ask what resolution we came up with and how?!

Why not?

The origin of the wedding vows used in Anglican services can be traced back to the Middle Ages to the Book of Common Prayer, which was approved by Henry VIII!

If I was getting married in a church, I'd be tempted to say the 'obey' bit just to see whether anyone shouts out 'yeah, right!'!!

We're getting married in church too and I'm unsure whether to have 'obey' in my vows. I do like the traditional aspect of it and I think maybe people just take it too literally.

I'm interested to see what they say at marriage preparation classes but I think of it as Mr Kooks being head of the house not that I have to become his slave once married (no chance!)

Each to their own though - I really like the traditional church vows and the promises that you make to each other. Having been to civil ceremonies they don't seem to sum it up quite as well.

It looks like a toaster to me, rather than a blob, if that helps!

I like the idea of, if you choose to have "obey", both saying it. Marriage is about an equal meeting of minds and hearts, so it makes sense for you both to say the same vows. I'm sure that, in day to day life, your OH would never ask something of you that he wouldn't do for you in return, so for you both to agree to obey each other would be very fitting - however you choose to interpret the word itself.

That is a very narrow minded point of view to say the least. Yes, there are lots of references in the bible preaching that women should be subservient, and when it was written, women in society were subordinate. It is not a true reflection of todays society and religion has to move with the times.

Tina, very much agree with this. You are right OH isn't looking for me to be praying at his feet when he returns from home. He is looking for the same as me, love, friendship and failfulness.

I am not sure I agree that if you follow a religion they you have to follow it 100%. I have been brought up as a Christian by my Nan who made to go to church for the first 10 years of my life, and then I went by choice for another 6. My Grandma had this dilema when my dad left his wife for another woman. My Nan's vicar obviously says this is sinful etc and she knows it is, but at the same time, it was her son and after some soul searching, against her vicars advice she stood by him. I don't feel as though she was wrong for doing so. My nan also has many grandkids born out of wedlock and while I would never do it due to my church background (not all her grandkids had this) she is perfectly fine with that and doesn't have an issue.

There are always going to be 'die hard' followers who refuse to move with the times.

Until recently, women were not allowed to be vicars! I first remember seeing a lady vicar about 10-12 years ago.

Haha I don't have a problem with it Trickers, I think it is a good thing to know the man you going to be with forever is a good dad too as that is so important.

I am more worried about the wrapth of my Nan than hell itself!

You are right MiniCooper - as long as it works for you who cares?!

We haven't started thinking about our vows yet as there's till plenty of time (and our marriage preparation classes to come). Most CoE ceremonies now will use 'cherish' rather than 'obey' as standard. If you want the more traditional wording you can chose to do so.

I suspect if we were to chose obey' we would both want to use the word. It's all semantics but rather than the old fashioned use of 'obey', I suspect (if we were to use it), it'd be used more in the sense of equality. We won't be influenced by what others may think of our choice of vows - it's our promise to each other, after all.