ER flash

I think you've sucked it up really well, I don't understand how you still find it cliquey though when you join us over on OT.

whose upset you?

Now, my first response to that could be: Are you accusing me of neglecting my work? Are you saying I have nothing better to do? Are you saying that I'm not so familiar with the concepts I described that I couldn't have, in fact, banged it out in five minutes while I was eating my pasta i.e. are you questioning my intellectual integrity?

It's very easy to find offence where none is intended. Again, this is confirmation bias. I am looking for conflict from you, therefore I see it. Everyone's guilty of it.

Just as everyone is guilty of failing to be completely mindful of feelings online, even those who claim to pay special attention to avoiding it.

Aimed at anyone reading this, not just MrsYard2b:

If anyone genuinely feels that some posts by OMs have been blunt or hurtful, could you please give us an example. Not to defend, just to see what is considered by some to be going too far. In 10 months I've not seen anything that I would consider to be bullying, but perhaps my interpretation is different to others.

It seems to me that bullying accusations are only ever aimed at OMs. One of the most offensive things I've ever read on here was written by a bride on the bridesmaid thread. I won't drag up their name, because it's pretty obvious, and that thread seems to be over now. If a OM had said that, I'm sure the Hitched powers that be would have stepped in the second even one person clicked on the report abuse button.

Footlong you are quite possibly the most intelligent person I know in Cyber!

This is the crux of it for me, and it seems that some actively look for it!

I didn’t mean you specifically, just in general (even me occasionally!)

Ive already asked for this for enlightenment purposes

Ah, but you didn't.

My first and momentary internal response - "Is she saying I'm lazy?" - was quickly tossed aside in favour of "Oh, she's said she's still in bed, and that post WAS quite long, and it's something I could easily say myself as a joke, and I have just espoused about confirmation bias, get over it".

I don't really get people being offended by much at the best of times, it would be hypocritical to claim offence on my own behalf.

Sorry to duplicate. I do think we need examples rather than just "Eclair did it" though.

I think the point she was trying to make was that she wasn't offended ?

I know! TBF the only really offensive things I can think of where the lovely insults directed towards me the other day!

Though they were quite funny actually.

I didn't have a particularly strong view on this earlier (so could be stupid to write this at the risk of getting shot down but I guess that's what a discussion form is for!). I don't think there is a particular 'buylling' or 'clique' problem generally, but I think occasionally things appear which could be construed in the wrong way or appear as hurtful. The example that made me feel a bit uncomfortable was a discussion on OT today, which ended up along the lines of 'look who's back on wp posting pointless questions again' - That's not a direct quote, as I don't know if I can quote from another thread, but the jist of what I got. Even though, I don't know who it was about (it may even be me! who knows?) but as someone who posts on WP and has started to venture over to OT, it made me a bit uncomfortable, and made me think for a moment 'Oh I better be careful about what I'm posting' but I shouldn't think like that as I should be able to post freely (within reason) without feeling people are judging me. I would stress that it's not just OM's, it can be anyone within the hitched community, but I think generalisations are made on both sides. For example, this post obviously relates to generalisations about OMs being 'cliquey' but that isn't everyone, and I have found the advice and experience of the OMs invaluable during my time here. However, on the other side of the fence I saw a post about hitchers on wp being bratish whilst planning their weddings. I agree that this may apply to some (hint- recent bridesmaid rant post!) but not all of us. I'm looking forward to my wedding day, but it hasn't taken over my life, and I have not made any particular demands about what people should or shouldn't do, and I don't expect the world to stop revolving because it is my wedding day. I don't think the problem lies with any particular group, but sometimes generalisations are made that can be inferred differently, but I guess that's the main pitfall of online discussions, where you don't have the human interaction factor you would when speaking to someone face to face...

Footlong - you have a way of putting thoughts into words so eloquently. I think your analogy sums it up perfectly.

Unless you and the person who told Mini no one would marry her are the same person, I don't think you've offended anyone!

The difficulties lie within the fact that OMs "get" each other's personalities and know when one or the other is joking around. Noobies wouldn't understand that, so I can see why things will be misconstrued. If you (royally 'you') hang around on the forums long enough, then you'll learn to understand the different personalities of everyone, and you'll just know when people are joking around.

Maybe the long-termers are a bit ignorant to the fact that the newbies wont get this straight away.

?!

Its very hard to offend me anyway, especially if you are a brummie glamour model.

You have said nothing to offend me MrsYard2b? I don't think you have said much to offend anyone have you?

I wonder if this is how the noobies think the OMs look:

I think in general there is an inherent problem with two sides here BOTH looking for validation of their ideas and reasons for being here. If people just accepted that not everyone is out to get at you or *** at you then it would be much easier for people not to feel that there are different cliques and factions.

Trust me, thats hardly the sort of thing to upset me!

Chill Winston.

according to amylou that *is* how I look!

Oh it's a corker! Get a brew and get reading: https://www.hitched.co.uk/chat/forums/t/350656.aspx

No wonder no one wants to marry you.....

purley for the amount of gold in my ears

*sobs into her wine orange squash and trundles off to look for someone else to be obnoxious and patronising too*

Wait for us!

*gathers up clique*

I have an example ?

There was a thread a while ago about guests wearing black to a wedding. A while before that, there was a rather long, heated thread about the same thing. The person who posted the thread the second time obviously hadn't seen the first and had no idea about the reaction it caused the last time.

The first comment was from an OM just saying 'Snore' and then more comments along the lines of 'oh not this again'

I personally don't find hitched cliquey, and am on OT more than WP, but I know that a few people found this type of comment hurtful. The OP was immediately shot down and made to feel her question was unworthy of an answer just because it had evoked a strong reaction last time. There are 101 topics that get brought up countless times, and personally if I am bored of a topic, I don't open the thread.

I hate the search function, because it is poo, and it is sometimes good to get a new perspective. If every person just used the search function, the forums would be uber boring, and if someone wants an answer, they should be able to ask without unhelpful comments.

I can't be arsed to go and find the thread, but its floating around somewhere.

? If you bring the nice, nut-free cadbury version too then you're more than welcome to come.

Faebelle, thanks for giving an example.

Do you mean this one? https://www.hitched.co.uk/chat/forums/t/324802.aspx?PageIndex=1

It looks like it all resolved itself without anyone being offended. I'm fairly sure the "not this again" comments were meant in a jokey way and in the thread Ali explains that she thought it was a wind up. Which lets face is entirely plausible with the amount of spam/trolls we get here.

I think that all occurred because there was a huge debate the day before about wearing black to a wedding then someone else posted pretty much the exact same question so it looked liked a bit of a piss take. It could have been genuine but it just shows that people don't read other threads before they start new ones.

Eclair, it wasn't that one, it was quite recently. (although that thread was on my birthday ?)

Someone mentioned it on the FB group, that's why I remember it because a few where a bit miffed about it. As has been said, perhaps hitched isn't the right place for them, but I think this is a good example of when comments can make people feel unwanted. Constructive comments - even (especially?) ones that don't agree with the OP are great, and really helpful, some are not and don't really need to be said.

?

I think our Nutella may have something to say about other brands of chocolate spread coming along Pinky

This one? https://www.hitched.co.uk/chat/forums/t/346346.aspx?PageIndex=1