Eric & Evy

Aw Sandie that's great! and there's no need to thank me, honestly!

You've found the strength from somewhere deep within and you are so taking the right steps in the right direction. You've just got to keep on keeping on!

Everything will turn out alright in the end, even though you may not think so right now.

First though, you must eat a little to get your strength up. Even if it makes you feel sick, you MUSt try and eat. I started off with a little bit of toast, and then a bigger bit and so on.

I also think you have to put at the top of your lest your health and getting your hospital appointment re-scheduled. I know the house thing is imminent, but your health is important too.

Glad you seem a wee bit better tonight. I'll be around for a while if you need to chat. ?

Thank you, I got to stop saying that ?

I don't know where I found the strength from but I need to try to keep hold of it. Every now and again I can see Jimmy walking into the room and it is heartbreaking I am leaving this house but I guess when I sum up my options, I don't really have any choice.

I can't see everything being ok. I just want my children to be happy and they are just worried about me and I can't have that. It's not fair on them.

I did think about toast today but I literally don't have anything in, including bread so that was out. The hospital said they would contact me January / February about my operaton. I don't have anyone to stay with me and they wont release me after unless I have someone to collect me and stay with me for 48hrs. They are concerned as I have never been put under before. My c-section was done under an epidural so I didn't need to be knocked out.

One minute I feel better, the next I don't but it is still a huge improvement from how I have felt the last 4 weeks. I am hoping that tomorrow morning, it wont feel so hard to drag myself out of bed. Not because I am tired because I don't notice that anymore, I just can't be bothered to do anything anymore, everything just feels so much of an effort.

I guess I feel better cause my son is home. I felt alone today and yesterday, the house was so quiet but having him here - even if he is trying to sing right now - I would rather he was here with me. I need my kids as much as they need me.

Yup! stop with the thankyou's missus!?

Sandie, even just getting out of bed for you is a huge thing. You did it today, and although you think you did it for your son, a part of you was doing it for you. hoorah!?

So, hospital will contact you jan/feb, remember to let them know when you move house.

Your boy is trying to sing, embrace it. He's 15 Sandie. Not yet a young man and still needs his mammy. Youcould try to join in? Huge effort I know, but think how happy his wee heart would be. Give him a hug, tell him you love him, and tomorrow is another day.

See how many days you are ticking off ? I'm not trying to belittle in any way what you are going through Sandie, I'm just trying to talk to you in the way that some poeple spoke to me, and which helped me get by. If you've any hot water, have a nice long bath or a shower.

Cut your toe nails, shave your legs and armpits. Brush your teeth. If you've any body cream, slap it on and look after yourself. You really will feel a wee bit better, I know, I let myself go too. I know it all sounds like a huge effort and you probably cant be arsed, but if you force yourself to do this, you will be surprised at how much better you feel in yourself.

It's only wee steps Sandie, but the little steps lead to better things.

I might just got my mail re-directed for 6 months and then change my address as it comes in. It might be easier in the long run but I didn't think of that I must admit

Yes getting out of bed is hard. So is getting in it. I hate being cold and when we moved in here because the house is so cold I told Jimmy I was going to get an electric blanket. He told me I wasn't, he said I would never need one as he would warm me up every night. My Nan offered me an electric blanket and I said no because of what Jimmy said. I sleep in my clothes every night. It does not feel right or warm enough to take them off. I know it's strange but I just can't bring myself to undress anymore.

If you heard what Eddy is listening too, I would love to see you try to sing to it. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh AAAAahhhhhhhh - nope, certainly not my type of music. They just seem to scream these days, must take ages to think of all the song words!

I haven't shaved my legs for over 4 weeks. I could tie ribbons in them soon. My armpits yes, i wore a sleeveless t-shirt yesterday as I wanted to see my last tattoo - yes, It says Jimmy lol with a lovely big yellow smiley face with blue eyes and I got it done four months ago on my arm. I brush my teeth cause I use Jimmy's tooth powder, I have body cream but not used it and no, I can't be arsed. Maybe tomorrow.

It is a month today I lost him. It has gone quick looking back on it but very slowly day by day.

Well, you'll need to make a start somewhere missus. How about wearing something belonging to Jimmy in bed? A big t shrit or something? Have a warm bath and shave your legs. Put on a clean jimmy tshirt and maybe some joggies or jammie trousers and a pair of his socks. I had a friend many years ago who did this for a while and it seemed to help her. Just till she began to feel better.

You're tattoo sounds lovely Sandie! Someday you will smile again too.

A month is hardly any time at all, you're still very raw pet. But you're doing great so far, really you are. ?

I'm laughing at your description of Eddie's music! Sounds like my son, he's 19. Jungle music i call it! lol

Keep trying Sandie, you're really doing great, even better than you were yesterday.

You could even startkeeping a wee diary of your feelings and thoughts. Maybe fill it in each night before you try to go to sleep. (dont become obsessed with it though).

It's all about dealing with how you feel and coping with it, and soon before you realise whats happening, each day will become a wee bit easier.

Hope tomorrow is a little better than today. xx

I already wear his boxers and his socks lol. He only wore football t-shirts and work clothes. He has got some joggers though he wore to work, so I could wear them.

Apparently jungle music is drum and bass. Eddy said he listens to melodic death metal! I must be getting old cause I just call it crap.

As for writing, I didn't get to know my father until I was 16yrs. Quite a few years ago, he joked about a diary of my life so for a month, for a laugh, I wrote everything down day by day and then posted it to him. Unfortunately for me, he absolutely loved it and now about 8 years on if not more, I am still writing down what I do every day and post it to him at the end of the month. I asked him if he was fed up with them a few months ago and he said he looks forward to them. Normally I find it a pain to do but for the last four weeks, it has been good for me to put pen to paper, write down my feelings and send them to him.

I hope tomorrow is better than today too.

I am going to log off. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night, I was so cold and couldn't stop shivering but tonight is another night as tomorrow is another day.

I am not going to say it but ty

Talk soon

Sandie

Sandie you sound so much better tonight than last night - small steps make such a difference. I'm delighted you've made a decision and that your kids were involved.

I agree with the body lotion thing - you feel better when you smell nice ? Sometimes its just the illusion that helps - so do whatever makes you feel good - Jimmy's joggers or writing to your dad. Just keep doing.

Hope your birthday was better than you could've thought. ?

Hey Sandie - I saw your dilemma thread the other day, but didn't really feel I could give better advice than Evy & Eric already had. Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better today. You seem (from what you were saying) to be really hard on yourself, when there's really no need. Today is better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today. You're never going to stop loving Jimmy - but this blackness and emptiness will pass. ?

Thank you Orly Bird.

To be honest, I am not having a good day. My head is light and I know it's my own fault for not eating or taking my medication. It is a month today that I lost him and I feel like I have so much to do now and I don't want to do any of it.

I have texted to find out when my old house going to be empty and could he write down a list of bills, who he pays them to and how much etc. Then this place. I now have double of everything in the house between the two houses. Most of the stuff in my old house, was what I bought over the years, I have had the house for 10 years. I wont have room to move the furniture all here into the other house cause it already has furniture and is half the size. But I can't part with it either. Eddy's double bed was bought 4 weeks ago from new. It won't fit in his bedroom there as it's a box room. Jimmy bought it so I am now stuck what to do for the best. I would still prefer to stay here but I know it is more practical to move and I wont struggle half as much and Jimmy would probably want me to take the easier option.

But i feel sick at moving back. It's like taking a step back and I don't do that. I only move forwards. It will be like before I even met Jimmy being back there so how long before it is like he was never in my life and I don't want that.

I have only cried a few times today, Eddy wants me to take him to his friends later and I got a shopping delivery due this afternoon. I don't even remember what I ordered!. I am supposed to post a few bits too but to do that I have to have a bath and sort myself out and I just have no energy right now to do anything. Jimmy would be kicking me up the backside I know that, but he not here - well not physically anyway.

Good thing is at least I am thinking again. My memory is still playing tricks but I am trying to get my head together although it is hard.

Thank you and I am sure I will begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel again, I just can't yet. I am glad you mum was able to move on. It must have been so hard for her.

Sandie - have you had friends ask if they can do anything ? (You know, the 'anything I can do, let me know' line.) Can they help with shifting furniture, or helping you find out the costs of bills in the new house ? If you get their help with the practical stuff, it's less for you to have to think about. Or ask them if they can do a food shop for you ? Just a thought.

My sister has offered her - ex but not so sure now what she doing other half - but they live 50 miles away and I feel that is a lot of effort on their part. My daughter has a friend called Steve and he has offered to help, but he doesn't drive and it will be his parents helping me move, I have never met them so don't think that is fair.

The new house is my old house. My ex is moving to Ireland to live with his g/friend and giving the house up. He asked Debbie but she wants it as my 5 cats still there but wont go unless I do too and the rest you know. I have asked my daughter to ask my ex, to write down the bills he pays now, who too, how much and when. I have also asked her to find out when exactly he will be leaving the house. I am still waiting to hear.

I did have another thought in the bath, Jimmy never cared about material things, he probably would not have cared if I take the bed he bought or now so I need to stop beating myself up over it.

Thoughts are good, thank you

Morning Sandie ?

You sound just another wee bit better today, thats great! Listen, stop worrying about whats fair and whats not. If people want to help you they will, they wouldnt offer or get involved if they didnt care or want to help.

Look at the people supporting you on this thread, people whoyou've never met. We all want to help and be here for you,so why not people irl ? Eh ?

See you've had a bath and it's a great place to do some serious thinking ?

Just keep posting on here and you hitched friends will see you through a wee bit as best we can. Think of it as a big network of caring and humanity, coz thats what it is. People helping people.

Great to hear you've got a delivery coming today, make sure you try to eat even just a wee bit. Even if its just a bit of chocolate! I've been thinking about you all night and wanting to stay up and respondto your posts, but I was falling asleep at mydesk ?

I'm free for most of the day/night so I'll be keeping a wee eye on your posts and hoping that you feel a little stronger. The weakness makes you very vulnerable and you need to eat to take your medications missus. Please stop fretting about things like furniture and beds Sandie. It'll be fine. Stop worrying pet. Hope you hear soon from Debbie regarding the bills from the old house. Just take it one day at a time and deal with whatever that day may bring. (and keep having the baths! did you shave your legs yet?? hairy wummin ?)

Big fat squeezy hugs xx

Morning to you.

I am trying to think practically. I don't want to if I am honest, but I don't feel I have any choice. Eddy has already asked me what is wrong this morning and he is trying so hard with me.

I have to drop Eddy at a friends house soon so I need to sort myself out and no, I didnt shave my very hairy legs but I will and I did actually make the effort to put some bath creame in the bath today.

I know people trying to help, but I just find it hard to accept from people. I have always been independant and Jimmy told me I would never need anyone because I have him.

I have not heard from Debbie but she will be home later today and I can talk to her then. she is still over there at the moment.

I have to walk Eddy into town, he wants to sort out a couple of bits and I need to put some money on the gas card as well as post a few bits but i will be on and off here all day as usual and thank you for being there for me.

Well you'll have to get used to it Sandie, because we are all here to help ?

Did you manage to eat anything? Cup of tea? The fresh air might knock you a bit off since you've been in the house for a while and not been eating. But it's good that you are going out with Eddie and brilliant that you've bathed with some bathing creame ?. Another wee step in the right direction, well done.

Maybe when Debbie gets here you will feel another wee bit better with whatever news she brings regarding the house. You're really lucky that you have your kids Sandie. It's good that they are there and you are a family again. Be strong for one another and soon it will be tomorrow.?

I'm not being ruthless here as I remember only too well the empty feeling and the cold dadrk nights, but you're still here and so are we. I want to help you to cope so much Sandie as I believe that what we get out of life we should put straight back in. I had so much help when I was at my lowest and I'd just like to do a little pay back ?

Here for you anytime of the day or night xx

I have not eaten anything yet, but I will later. I do drink a hell of a lot of tea though. The fresh air did knock me and it's freezing out there. I have felt cold for days and just can't warm up. Eddy said it is warm in here but I don't think so but then he walked outside in just a t-shirt and said he was not cold too!

I am lucky to have the kids, I feel alone all the time but I know I am not because they are here. I don't know what time Debbie is coming home but she has a key and I don't go to bed too early these days but it will be nice when she is back home with me and Eddy. Eddy asked where she was this morning as he forgot.

I do thank you for everything you say to me and I understand why you are helping. I must admit, I did think of Sare this morning, she must be going through hell as well. Life can certainly test us at times.

Sandie you sound alot more positive, thats great!

I feel awful as I'm not aware of Sare's problems, I must look out for her threads.

Keep us posted on your progress and how things are when Debbie gets back. Glad you understand where I'm coming from.?

I've been watching TV and thinking about the many people I've known in my life and the tragedies they've been through. And somehow, god knows, we all get through it. Keep doing what you're doing Sandie and it will get better.

Here for you?

My head the best at the moment than what it has been for 4 weeks so making the most of it.

Decided to definitely take the house that was mine, I have had it for 10 years and it is still in my name and i can do everything there that Jimmy wanted to do here.

I will get hold of a van somehow, take out all the stuff I dont want, beds, chairs, kitchen stuff etc... Bring it all back here (if i got time i will stick it on ebay but depends what date i can get the other house).

Spend a couple of days painting the house as I like it.

Then get the van back and move all our stuff here over there and make the house mine again.

Save up and get all the house laminated (unless i put in a transfer if i am not happy there and get another house and start totally afresh) - it will take time and money but I have someone who can do it slightly cheaper for me.

Then save up and patio the back garden. Get some pot plants and a BBQ and a nice patio set and have a few friends and family around next summer. The garden 60 foot so will cost but its what we were going to do here.

I am going to transfer all my bills from here to my old house except for the rent which is still in my name (had to keep in my name as assured tennancy and one day i wanted to give the house to my daughter Debbie) and the gas as I have a gas card here. I will just change the bank account details on it and then change into my name. Everything else can be transferred over so taking as much with me as i can.

I will take Jimmys ashes, clothes, bed, tools and personal bits so that I am making sure he is coming with me.

It will hurt to leave here but I need to find over £500 a month to stay here plus the work that needs doing. The gas is costing me £20 a week cause the house is so big to keep warm. Over there I only have to find £350 and I am hoping that housing benefit, working tax credit and child tax credit will help with most of that. I just need a little spare to save on working on the house.

On a bad note, i got a shopping delivery today. I managed to order 4 boxes of washing tablets, 4 deodrants, hair spray i have never used, 6 packs of sausages and I dont particularly like sausages, 6 bottles of fizzy for the kids but i never buy that as they normally only drink water (easily pleased kids lol). 4 bottles of bleach and loads of other stuff. I must have been on planet mars when I ordered it. I think my head messed up more than i thought. I also managed to buy the biggest pizza i have ever seen, in fact i know it will not fit in my oven!.

My friend told me today that I am not taking a step back, I am just taking a step sideways and Jimmy would want me to live the easiest way with less worries and I know she is right as you all are.

I'm neither Eric or Evy (though think on the back of this thread Evy needs to change her name to Ernie ?).

But wow, Sandie sounds like a good plan you have there.

You are not taking any step back in life with moving back to your previous home. You can never move back only forwards as you'll be taking the love that you and Jimmy shared with you.

Much love to you Sandie, you are one strong lady (even if you don't think you are). I have been thinking of you over the last while ?

Thank you Maxi, i sure as hell don't feel strong. I am just trying to do what is best for the kids if I am honest. I can't keep letting them see me the way I am right now, it is not fair, so I have to do something.

If I had my way, i would wallow in the house forever and just live in his memories, but it is not healthy and I don't think it is helping me. My Father thinks I need a fresh start and my old house becoming empty end of January was fate. Jimmy always believed in fate and so do I - like the day his car broke down outside my shop and that's why he starting coming in rather than his usual shop and when he took the car to the garage, they told him there was nothing wrong with it.

I think the world is very upside down place and people just make the best of every situation. I just want to do the same and all the time I can think a little more positive, then I can try. But each day is different and tomorrow is another day.

Take care and thank you

Sandie, I dont post too often any more but I really feel for you, Im sorry to hear about your partner, my husband died nearly 4 years ago and my god I remember the pain early on.

Please dont feel rushed into anything, if you can take your time do so as your mind is so unclear at this time even if you dont think it is.

I remember my first Christmas alone and my god it was hard, your kids sound great though, and im sure they are feeling the hurt but you can help each other through.....

I dont know if KJB has emailed you but there is a great group in the UK called WAY (widowed and young) I am one of the co-ordinators in London

I dont know where you are based but there will probably be a group near you, if you feel strong enough join us as its an amazing support group of people that have been through//are going through what you are and totally get what you are feeling.

Take care of yourself

Em

x

Hi EJJ,

I feel very rushed. My head is spinning and right now I feel completely at a loss. My mind is very unclear.

KJB has emailed me and she has been brilliant. I dont recall a group called WAY though so I will take a look at that.

I am based in Kent, I live in the Medway towns, so i will look for something local.

I have decided to not really even think about moving until at least 2 weeks before. I really can't cope with everything right now and today I dont feel as great as I did yesterday. I have just taken my AD though as I have not touched them for at least a week even though my doc doubled my dosage a month ago and not taking them I think is not helping.

Thank you for replying

Sandie

Morning Sandie ?

I'm feeling so bad now as I am taking it on board that I've been a part of the rushing process, and I never meant to make you feel rushed.

I know there was a pressing urgency with your old house, and you had a deadline to meet. Hope you feel a bit calmer after taking your meds.

It's good that Debbie and Eddie are with you, and even if you've ordered a load of rubbish online, well one day you will look back and giggle ?

Keep your chin up Sandie, it's another day yet again. I'm so pleased at the days you are getting through, and with each new day, a little stronger. I remember a friend saying to me "Evy, you either sink or swim".

It scared the living sh1t out of me! So, I started with the doggy paddle, and soon was swimming like a fish!?

(I truly wish you'd eat something!)

Hello Evy,

Please don't feel bad, it is not down to anyone how I feel. It's just that I lost Jimmy just over a month ago and since then, I have had my daughter move in, friends and family trying to get hold of me, more furniture for this house and now I will probably move, Christmas and my Birthday to deal with, work as well, I got my car serviced two weeks ago, money, I am still changing my name with the last few companies, I need the refunds for the wedding we were due to have in March back and just general trying to get through day to day living. I just feel that I have so much to deal with and I can't think straight at the moment.

I have already decided that I really don't have choice about moving and my friend confirmed it again for me once again today. She popped around and took a look around the house and couldn't believe the state it in. She said straight away that I should move. The damp in this house now is not healthy let alone the work that needs to be done and then of course the £80 gas bill each month and £75 extra a month in rent.

I had a slice of cheese last night with a slice of onion. Today my friend cooked me a half a gammon steak with peas and sweetcorn. My daughter finished off the gammon for me so I have eaten a little today. I put a chicken in the oven earlier but to be honest, I really don't want it but will do something with it for the children as Eddy has not eaten anything except chocolate and cereal today and he is starving.

I got the living sh1t scared out of me when I realised how little I can actually eat now and am actually making an effort now to eat something every day even if it isn't much. It's a start.

I hope you have had a good day / weekend. I am back at work tomorrow for 4 days so might not be on here very much.

Sandie

Aw Sandie, that's an awful lot to have on your plate, no wonder you feel rushed ?

I remember getting scared when I found myself unable to sonsume very much, it freaked me out. So what you're doing is good. Just a little each day then as the days go on, a little more. It's great that you're making an effort in all areas. I know it's still same *** different day, but you certainly sound alot better than you did a couple of days ago.

You've had a creame bath, you've eaten alittle, you've been out with Eddie, you've made a few important decisions.

See ? and you never thought you'd even manage to do all these things!

Work might be therapeutic for you Sandie, take your mind off things for a wee while. Even if you cant manage to post on here for 4 days, please let me know how you are when you are off work again. Finding myself thinking about you alot and hoping you are getting there.

Speak soon missus, and well done xx

Mum i only came home because i missed you and i don't like leaving you for long periods of time at the moment..

I know Eddy but why are you on this site? You could have just told me ?

That's the way to think about it. That's how I thought when I had to move back to my Mum's from living with my ex H.

I've been reading your posts since Boxing Day, and have been saying a little prayer for you at night that you are able to find some strength.

You sound a lot more positive today ?

Thinking of you xxx

Hi Mookey,

I was awful this morning but I made the effort and saw a couple of friends who live just up the road from me. It did make me feel a lot better talking to them and my friend is a very good listener I have found, normally she talks more than me bless her.

I am working the next four days and work does seem to be good for me to get my mind off things a little. I don't have any choice but to smile and be nice to my customers.

It does still feel I am taking a step back but if I can change all the house, make it my own again and bring all Jimmy's pocessions with me, then it might not feel so bad. I know he wouldn't want me to struggle if I have a choice not to struggle so much by moving no matter where the house is.

A few of my Eddy's friends are telling him they can't wait for him to move back so he is a little more positive about it although he still wants to stay here as I do.

I won't be on here as late tonight due to working tomorrow and I am going to try to get more than just a few hours sleep.

Thank you for your prayers. I actually went to church this morning, but they changed the vicar since I last went and I found absolutely no atmosphere or help from the service so after 10 minutes I left. I sat here this morning with my head ready to explode. Normally I work Sundays but I didn't work today so it seemed the perfect time to get some comfort from my church but it didn't help.

I said I would let you know that I am ok while working and I am.

I think working is keeping my mind occupied. It was hard last week because all I could picture was Jimmy when he came into the shop and him walking through the door with a big smile on his face. I still had the visions today but it was not as hard as last week to deal with them.

It was busy today and that helped too.

Been taking my AD's for 2 days now as well so that has to be helping too.

I am off to bed now as have another 13hr shift tomorrow.

Hope you both are well

Sandie

Great stuff Sandie! and thanks for keeping us posted ? Another day has passed and you are most definately coming across as a little stronger.

Hope you are trying your best to eat a little. Big hugs xx

I think being at work is helping, I am still having my moments - well, quite a few of them but I am not quite as tearful as I was.

Yesterday I ate a sandwich that my work colleague / friend bought in for me and she nagged me until I had. Debbie had a slice of pizza with a cup of tea ready for me when I got in at 10pm last night and i managed to eat a little of that so definitely getting there.

Off to work soon but I will be on later

Sandie