Faux letter amnesty

Dear Mr E,

no, this house isn't exlusively yours, nor are the businesses, nor for that matter are the children. In fact contrary to popular belief, there were actually two people in this relationship. Get over it.

Yes, I have found a voice. No, I no longer care about who knows all the gritty details. No, I will no longer make excuses for you. Get over it.

Please meet someone else. Quickly. Although I shall feel sorry for her for a nano-second, it will benefit me and our children in the long run.

No, I do not look like an abortion. No I no longer believe everything you say. And no, I no longer believe in the mantra 'Anything for a quiet life'.

yours etc...

Dear Francesca,
I'm so pleased I'm not the only Hitcher who knows what Rainbow Kisses & Fluffers are. I was beginning to feel abnormal.

Dear J,
I really, really wish you could tell me what's going on - and that you'll get a better job like you deserve, and that you're feeling better soon. Love and hugs.

Dear Mr Orly,
Two nights in a row is pushing it - especially after the unexpected lie-in this morning. That is all.

Dear Hitched,
This is not the member pic I uploaded. Get it sorted, would you, please ?!

Dear Orly,

I also know what Rainbow kisses & fluffers are. I'm quite surprised so many had to google.

Dear Husband,

It doesn't matter how much lesbain porn you show me, I'm never going to turn bi. Not even after watching extreme "wrestling". So please, give it a rest.

Dear F1 fans,

Lewis Hamilton is an amazing driver. Get over yourselves and actually support someone British who's succesful for once.

Dear U2,

Please bring out the new album asap. It's been a while since the last one and I'd really like a tour to go with it too.

Dear Hitchers,

Thank you for making me laugh out loud at my desk with 8 pages of pure comedy. You have really cheered me up.

Yours, SJ

Dear black cat,

If I catch you trying to sleep on the baby things in the nursery one more time, you shall not be allowed in the living room or anywhere near the stairs anymore and you can forget about the cat treats too.

Thanks.

Dear unborn baby,

Can you please stop kicking me in the ribs and having your playtime on my bladder at midnight when Im trying to get a couple of hours sleep before my 5 bathroom visits. It makes me rather grumpy in the office the next day which doesnt go down well with my colleagues.

Many thanks, Mummy. xx

Dear HMV

Deliver the bloody DVD set it is a present and I am fed up of chasing you when you were so quick to take the naffing payment.

Thanks

Dear Daughter

Please nap, I need to grout the bathroom.

Thanks

Dear H

Sorry, but I do sleep better without you snoring in my ear. I know you miss us sharing a bed but please let me have a couple of nights where I don't have to jab you in the back to make you roll over.

Thanks