Getting Cold Feet

Oh, what a tough situation to be in, I really feel for you.

You're right in that only you can make the decision but, for what it's worth, if I were in your shoes I wouldn't go through with it. I have heard so many stories of people who've married despite knowing in their hearts it was the wrong thing to do and have ended up divorced and feeling a bit traumatised by it all. (Of course, there are some who marry and battle through and make it work).

I think you have to try to separate out your thoughts of what may or may not happen if you decide not to go ahead (what your your family/friends think etc). What is most important is that you do what is right for you, and for your daughter. If you decide not to marry him, you will be able to deal with the consequences, just it won't be very nice. If you know deep down marrying him is the wrong thing to do, letting him know now is a far better option that having to try to get out of it afterwards.

There's no shame in being swept up in it all, it happens all the time! I really hope you can take a bit of time to think about what you really want and muster up the courage to see it through - whether that's not going ahead and dealing with the outcome or going through with it and trying to make it work. I know it's a cliche but life really is too short to be with the wrong person and to make do. After all, it's much better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard.

There isn't a lot I can add to CBs post, just wanted to wish you luck in making this very difficult decision - I hope you can find an answer which makes you happy.

Only you know what is right for you and the consequences are so huge I don't want to comment anymore as everyone is so different, what I would do might not necessarily be the right answer for you.

Sometimes the hardest decisions are those that you know will cause pain and confusion for everyone now but that will, later on down the line, be better for all involved.

No-one but you can make this decision but do make sure that you make it for you, I know too many people who have either married or stayed married for the wrong reasons, and whereas that may solve one problem in the short-term, it just causes different problems in the long-term.

I have never had to call off a wedding but I have broken up with two boyfriends, one after 7 years together, because I just knew the next step was marriage and I didn't feel that in my heart it was right. At the time it was like hell on toast but now....I am about to marry my soulmate - the man I always thought must exist but never believed I could be that lucky to meet....I am not saying that is true for everyone but if I had gone through with the other relationships I may not be as happy as I am now.

The easiest thing to do would be to carry on as you are and sacrifice your own feelings for everyone else's happiness, so don't believe anyone (friends or family) who says you are not incredibly brave to even be considering this decision.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and be happy ?

There's not much else i can add to the fab advice you've already had

but i didn't want to read and run, i hope you find the strength to make the decision that

is right for YOU, your the one who will be entering this marriage no one else so do what you

think is best, Best of luck hunni x

I didnt want to read and run.

I agree with whats been said. Only you can make the decision. You need to do what is best for you and follow your heart

Hope all works out for your desired outcome ?

I think wedding jitters are normal .... but I dont think what you are talking about would be classified as wedding jitters to be honest.

I think you are talking about are deep rooted, serious problems ie trust. And sometimes those things cant be repaired- but sometimes, if both couples work they can be. But it takes 2 not 1.They are fundamental for any relationship or friendship.

You are thinking of the repercussions and worrying about others - dont. Look after yourself and your daughter. Yes if you call it off people will be upset but they will get over it in time.

Big hugs to you - sounds like you've the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Sometimes I worry about the future with my OH - he is bad with money (ie is always up to his neck in his overdraft), has a lazy attitide towards housework etc, But no one is perfect and relationships are about work & compromise amongst any other things.

I'm probably in the minority here but I dont believe there is only one person in the world who I could marry, love & be happy with. Im not sure I believe there is only one soulmate for each of us.

I love my OH, he loves me & I dont want anyone else but I believe if anything happened I would find love again.

I think this 'notion' of the one CAN create unrealistic expectations of relationships & people - when none of us are perfect.

I hope you give yourself the time to think very carefully about your future and dont let yourself be pressurised / feel your being pressurised into anything.x

Your right only you can make this huge descision but it does need to be made.

I realy do feel for you.

Weddings feel like unstoppable juggernauts sometime but its up to us to just stop and make sure we realy are doing the right thing.

It always has to be the right thing for us.

What ever you decide to do I hope your family suprise you and support you in it.

If they dont than you have us.

We will always give you a hug!

Thank you for all the wonderful advice and support. I've made a mess of so many things in my life by being a coward and taking the path of least resistance so I need to find the strength from somewhere to do what I know is the right thing, no matter how much it's going to hurt.

I'm not sure if/when I'll be back on Hitched. I want to let you know how I get on but I suspect I won't feel up to it, whichever way it goes (I'll either be too heartbroken to want a reminder of all the plans I made, or too embarrassed that I wasn't brave enough to go through with it). If that's the case then I just want to sign off with thank you again for everything, and I hope you all have the wonderful weddings and happy marriages you deserve.

Really sorry to hear what you are going through and hope you find the strength to make the right decision for you, the advice the girls have given is amazing and not much else I can add really just wanted you to know another hitcher is thinking of you xxx

Oh my goodness, hug hug hug!!!!

Excellent advice already on here but just do what you feel is right. Hopefully you're not calling off the entire relationship, just postponing the wedding which although it's a bit inconvenient for people it's not the end of the world and everyone will understand eventually. I'm sure that nobody would want you to marry someone if you weren't sure.

I really hope we hear from you again, I think everyone on here will be thinking of you

xxxxxx

I didn't want to read and run, but I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you are able to move on from this with whatever you decide to do. Jxx

Just want to add - either way there is nothing to be embaressed about - I think it's an important question to ask yourself and either way, whichever way you decide you will have the support of Hitched (it's awesome like that!).

Whatever you decide, sounds as if you'll be in for a tough few weeks. If you need some weirdie internet pals, you know where we are.

x

So sorry to hear this, you poor lady ☹️

I think you should follow your heart with this one. Your happiness is vital and if you're not 100% then I think marriage would not be for you at this time. Good luck with your future, I sincerely hope that you can resolve this issue and have a happy relationship if not with this man then with another.

I think everyone has it covered... You have to make a decision based on not only what is best for you but also (and most importantly) your daughter. I hope you are ok x

Some very good advice there. All I can add is that I hope you find the courage to make the right decision for you and your daughter. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to take. x

I think you've had some very good advice so far but as they say, only you can make the decision and know what's right for you.

But I will tell you my story. I had doubts just before my wedding just over 5 years ago. I knew they weren't just pre-wedding jitters, as I found out a few things about my ex that I hadn't realised. But I couldn't bring myself to tell my Mum and my family, and cancel the wedding the next day. So i just thought "oh it'll be fine", but even through my wedding day deep down i knew I wasn't happy.

I'm not saying you shouldn't marry your H2B, or even that you have to be 100% sure. But you have to be sure that this is what you want and realise that it's never too late to cancel until the actual ceremony. And then it's hard and costly to get out of. I believe that trust is so important in any relationship, more than anything else tbh. Everyone has faults (even us!) but it's whether those faults are enough to bother you for the rest of your life or whether you can accept them

HTH xx

Would just like to reiterate what everybody else has said. Whatever you choose will be the right thing for you if you go through with the wedding I'm sure you can make it work, if not yes a lot of upset people but you know what they'll get over it - marriage is a HUGE commitment not to be taking lightly and I think you are soooo brave regardless. x

Firstly big hugs, secondly I felt like this 15 years ago when I was 20 and getting married. I'm now divorced and wish I'd had the guts to do something about the wedding. I had left it a bit late, I had wobbles 2 weeks before but my mum talked me out of them.

Basically, you can't make someone into the person you want them to be. I wanted my ex husband to talk to me, say nice things to me, say he loves me, have closeness and be best friends. Instead we were strangers, had nothing in common and I lived a lonely married life. Whenever we had problems we could never talk about them and my plan was to get married, give it 6 months then walk away if it didn't work out but I got pregnant on honeymoon.

Life is too short to be with the wrong person and you really have to ask yourself is he 'the one' will I always be wanting him to change? I'm older and wiser now and have finally met my soulmate, wish I'd met him years ago but I was stuck in a loveless marriage and couldn't cheat in my ex. It takes alot of balls to walk away but if you think its not right for you have some time out and have a good think about whats best for you. Don't worry if you think you're hurting him as my ex ended up burning all my clothes so wished I'd never spared him the pain to begin with!

Big hugs - and put yourself first xx

Ahhh hun that sounds horrid but I wouldn't do it if you have those big doubts you can always reschedule in the future if you are meant to be and are more certain. Like you siad you are the only one that can decide. Good luck and I'm sure imagining how everyone is going to react is far worse in your head thatn in reality so don't worry about them! xxx

Aw Im sorry to hear you are in this situation, there has been loads of good advice given and I really dont feel I have anything further to offer but I just wanted to send you hugs and wish you happiness whatever you decide to do

I agree with a lot of the advice on here too.

Remember it's your decision, but try talking it over with perhaps a clsoe friend that you trust. I find that always helps me make a decision, even if i don't agree with their advice.

I could quite easily repeat everything the others have said, and I would genuinely mean it, but I can give you a slightly different angle on it too.

You say you don't trust him, and trust is an immensely important thing in a relationship. I was in a relationship with just the same issue but I told myself it was last minute jitters/that I was over-analysing etc so we got married. I was miserable on honeymoon and we were divorced 15 months later. The lack of trust kept eating away at me.

Of course, yours might be the jitters, and I REALLY hope it is, all I'm saying is, don't stay because it's the easy option.

How awful for you. All I can say is that I ended a marriage to the father of my children due to lack of trust. He didn't want it and of course the children didn't and life would be easier for me if I had stayed in it as second time around is fraught with difficulties ! Stepchildren , families etc ! But to me trust is the fundamental basis of any relationship and without it I couldn't continue , I didn't feel I had an option. It may cause some upset in the short term but long term an unhappy marriage harms everyone long term. I don't know if it is jitters only you really know. I sincerely wish you all the best and whatever the pain if you walk away it will subside and family and friends will come around. Do what feels right for you and no one else xxxxx

Nothing to add other than what others have siad but didn't want to read and run. Sending you hugs - hope it works out to make you happy.

Hi Just wanted to send you hugs and wish you the best of luck making your decision! There has been some fantastic advice on this thread and I just want to say I really hope you make the right decision for you!

Take Care xxx

How difficult for you - i hope you make the right decision for you and your daughter. I think even putting your thoughts on paper as you have now done can help clarify how you really feel. remember the old saying - marry in haste repent at leisure. I wish you the very best in making your decision.

I didnt want to read and run but i think the other hitcher have gave some fab advise. How long is it until the wedding?