Gift lists ---- the dilemma of how to approach them

We've set up a gift list, but we're only giving the code to people who specifically ask for it. We didn't put anything in the invitations and I'll be equally happy if all or none of our guests use it.

We sent gift list cards and a short sentence to day guests. I asked for help with what to do about the evening reception people and there was a lot of heated discussion about wouldn't/shouldn't include a reference to the gift list.

Since sending the evening invites we have had a couple of people ask if we have a gift list set up. I personally wouldn't be offended if I received an invite to the evening with info included on the gift list but we went with the safe option of not offending anyone.

We also set up a wedding website and had the site printed in the invite for guests to go on for more info. You could do that to get around it.

These damn gift lists are tricky business when it comes to pleasing people!

I think gift lists are kind of expected these days, so if you want one then I would just enclose details of it in with the invitations.

We havent got one, we want money really, but didnt want to ask, so havent included anything. A few people have asked, and we've politely suggested money towards the honeymoon, and I assume that others will a) not get us anything b) choose something they think we'd like or c) put money in a card.

c) is what the post boxes are for, somewhere to pop cards in, so they arent lying around on a table to get lost!

Hi,

For my daughter`s wedding we stated in the invites that they are just happy for people to come to the weddding but should they wish to make a small contribution to the honeymoon then that would be lovely. we will have a post box for cards, and obviously any gifts can be placed in that.

Hope that helps

lynne

I honestly think ( and I expect many people will disagree) that people are far to worried about offending people, I have never been offended or had anyone moan to me about there being a gift list/asking for money inside a wedding invite, I would never dream of turning up at a party for a special occasion with out a gift or at least a card. I think I would feel more awkward having to ask what they wanted. As long as you have a wide range of priced things in there then I honestly dont see the problem with them.

As a guest I completely agree..I dont go to a proper wedding without a gift or money, depending on the couple.

As a bride to be I felt a bit funny about approaching the idea of a gift list, especially as we really want money. I found a cute poem on the internet about preferring money to gifts and it sounds nice, not too pushy or anything so I am putting that in my invite.

We are also doing this, we also found a nice poem where we can change some wording to suit us, we are asking for dollors as we fly out to New York first thing Monday morning so wont have time to change up any money etc.

This is Hitched swearing.

We're just putting a note in ours that says we don't want anyone to feel the need to get us a gift but should they wish to, contributions towards honeymoon/photo album would be gratefully received.

Not too keen on the poems!

We set up a small gift list and also a gift list with our travel agent for people to put money towards our honeymoon if they wanted. However, we did not put any details of either in the invites...... my thoughts were I wouldn't dream of putting in a gift list to any other invites I send so why do it with a wedding invite and I think it's quite presumptious.

We got mainly money. a few people asked about gift lists and we gave them the information when they asked. We had very few presents but what we got were really lovely and thoughtful, a nice surprise. I don't think guests generally but toasters etc anymore understanding that most people already have those kind of things.

We had a letterbox for people to put cards in. It was a very handy of keeping all the cards together and it meant we didn't keep getting handed cards.

We haven't given anything out about gifts, I've said to a lot f people that we don't need anything, we'd just love everyone to be there which we both genuinely mean. If someone buys us a gift, well both love it and if someone gives us money then we will be very grateful. Our very close family knows we're going to new York for a honeymoon so they have given us spending money and are buying us broadway tickets.

To be honest Were not getting married for presents so I don't mind if people choose not to bring something. I'd rather they come and celebrate our day.

I understand completely it is different as a guest as a gift list is really helpful!! But I don't like the poems. I would much rather someone said something along the lines of 'contribution to new house/honeymoon fund would be greatly appreciated'

S x

I love gift lists! they are very useful to couples and to wedding guests!

As a guest, I love the idea of not having to guess what the couples would find useful. I surely do not want my hard earned money to go to a gift that would just gather dust in someone's cupboard! Plus, some gift lists allow guest to give cash. I just used one a while ago for a friend in Australia (she has an online gift list with thankyou.com.au ) and what a great convenience!

if you're doing an online gift list, you can place a small card with your invitations with your gift list information.

In your situation I wouldn't ask for anything personally. Those that are attending your wedding abroad are already spending money to get there etc and it's not really the done thing to provide gift information to evening guests.

People will still get you things and realistically no one buys toasters etc any more.

I wouldn't give gift list details to people I'm only inviting to the reception. If I go as an evening guest I usually take a card with vouchers / foreign currency if I know where they're going on honeymoon.

I think the post boxes / baskets etc are nice because most evening guests will bring a card with or without a gift. Better than having the cards scattered on a table and risk going missing!

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago where the bride and groom included in the invitation a tatty slip of paper with the groom's bank details on asking for contribution for their honeymoon! The cheek!

We have finally decided not to put anything in our invites about gifts. all the guests coming know that we are living together and have everything we need for the house, they also know that we are going on honeymoon which will be our first holiday abroad in about 5 years due to OH being a student. a lot of our friends have already said that they would like to give us some currency towards our honeymoon. i dont think its a bad thing to write in the invites what you want.

As a general reply, my preference would be to dodge the issue entirely, followed by using the "presence not presents" line in the invitation (an older version but I think less likely to raise ire). However, my parents are pretty insistent I should have a registry (I'm the first to get married in my generation, and so my parents and extended family are looking at the way they did things in the 80's- and of course nothing has changed... ?), and my favourite way to deal with it that I've thought of (so far), if I have a registry, is to include FH's mother and my mother's contact details on the invitation and ask them to pass on registry details if they're asked.

In general I'd be inclined to leave it out and wait to see if you're asked.

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We're having a wedding website with gift list info on that (honeymoon plans split into affordable sections), plus other things about the day, local hotels, parking, etc - so our invitations will just direct people to the website.

IMO poems are a complete no-no, evening guests generally want to give a gift as much as day guests, and people worry too much about traditional wedding etiquette these days. If you're getting married abroad and guests are travelling to it, they may wish to get you a present but have a reduced budget to do so.

I agree with Kharv people hat will attend your wedding will already be spending too much for the fare since the wedding would be abroad, I think it is not a good idea to include a gift list just be thankful enough if they would give you a gift for the wedding.

Exactly this!

I personally wouldn't dream of going to an evening reception without giving a gift and have never felt at all offended to have been asked for money or vouchers. In fact I have never been to a wedding without a gift list or a request for money / vouchers whether it's a day or evening invite. Without a list I'd feel a bit stressed choosing something actually, especially if it was an evening invite from one of h2b's friends that I didn't know very well...

I think tbh that I probably am going to include the gift list in the invites. Mainly because everyone thats coming is still a close friend whether they come abroad or not, there will only be about 80-100 people and I couldn't imagine people coming and not wanting to give us a token gift. I would never turn upto anything I was invited to without a present, obviously people arnt oblidged too, but I think receiving money isn't nice. I mayaswell ask them to pay for their tea at the party if they are going to do that, as were not having a honeymoon or anything that we can say we have put it towards. I'm setting one up on Next so there can be things of varying price for some token gifts cos we would really like some accessories to finish the house.

Thanks for everyones advice though, I appreciate it. I think its always going to be one of those things that your not sure how to approach, but when I've been to weddings I think gift lists are easiest and you can go on and find a gift within your budget.

xxxx

I was just about to say the same. For me, it would be like putting a gift list/request in with an evening invite, which is a big no no for me.

I don't mind them in day invites, however, if you're getting married abroad, people are forking out to just attend. So in that situation, I don't think they should be included.

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I also agree with about people being to worried about asking for money.

I don't like the poems personally but I have received 4 in the last year in wedding invites and they don't offend I just think if you wanna ask for money you should just ask without dressing up in a poem.

We put something like "the most important thing to us is your presence at our wedding, and by no means are gifts expected. If however you would like to give something, we are going on a once in a lifetime holiday to celebrate our wedding and we would be grateful for any small contribution. our honeymoon gift list shows you what we have planned for your kind gift."

We don't need things and aren't having much of a honeymoon, so I'm putting in a poem saying that if they do want to give us something then money is the only thing we need, but that all we really care about is them turning up. The wording of the actual 'come watch us get married here at this time' part is fairly formal, but neither of us is particularly bothered about being too traditional in much else so the poem fits in with our slightly quirky approach to the whole day. It's our day so it's going to reflect our personalities. I think if you're going to ask for money or gifts, both of which are kind of excpected nowadays, you might as well do it in a way that fits in with your wedding style and the rest of your invitations/website x

We've put nothing in our invites but are setting up a list so we can direct anyone who asks. We've only done this as an after thought when we were asked! We don't have our own place yet (How traditional are we? My Nan is so proud!) and we don't have much and the majority of people know this. We're not really expecting anything though. We've factored furnishing our house with spoons into our budget!