Guest List Headache **updated**

Invite the people that YOU want there. Some people may think I sound selfish but if you start to worry about everyone else's feelings (e.g. your other cousins that you are not close to) then you won't end up having the day that you want. Its your day (as well as your OHs) and it should be about sharing it with those you want to. Or I'd do a general 'we are inviting aunts & uncles but not cousins' that way no-one can complain - especially as they should all know how big your family is! Hope this helps

Hey!

You are in a similar situation to us! Only the other way round!

My OH has a huge family and I have a small one!

We decided for the day we will invite Aunties and Uncles

Then cousins for evening only, we are closer to some than others but then it is fair that way!

We could invite everyone but it will cost a fortune!

The evening will be alot better moneywise as it will be a buffet! Rather than £50 a head for a day time meal.

But don't worry about fairness on your OH's part.

I have a small family and don't mind the situation!! xx

I'm having exactly the same problem at the moment!!! I come from a bigger family than my OH (not quite as big as yours though!) and we're limited on numbers for our WB. I've got (including partners) 12 aunties and uncles and 11 cousins (doesn't sound too many actually lol). OH has only got 7 aunties, uncles, cousins altogether!!

If we invite them all it's 30 out of our 50 available guests - we've got the whole bridal party and all of our friends to fit in too!!! I'm much closer to some of my cousins than others, one may actually be coming to meet up with us when we're on honeymoon to go and watch hockey in New York! Other cousins - it's not that I don't like them, but I'm not as close to them and I'd rather make room for my friends to be honest! All of our families are local whereas my friends are travelling up to be with us.

Also, we're actually eloping to get married, but having a full blown fake wedding when we come home, so it's not actually any less guilt ridden to run away!!!!

I can see I've been mega helpful lol I will, however, be stealing any advice that pops up on here

x

I know exactly how you feel, both me and OH come from very large families, I have 16 aunts and uncles and he has 9 and they've all got kids which means tons of cousins and we are very close to all.

Our venue can only seat a maximum of 120, which has given us 60 guests each (including the bridal party) which may sound like a lot but trust me it isn't. We started our list and were really struggling to get in half of the important people (immediate family), but then we realised that we had nearly 40 children (under 16s) on the list, thats practically a third of our capacity.

We have made the decision to have no children to the church or sit down meal (except those in the bridal party) but they are more than welcome to the evening reception. This has helped us squeeze in all the important family but we're still struggling to get friends in but most of our friends have said that they understand and they will still like to come to the church and watch us get married and then come back for the evening.

We aren't getting married until next year June so haven't told people about the 'no children' rule. I know it isn't going to go down very well, especially as we are all about kids in both sides of our family but at the end of the day we won't be able to invite the adults if we don't bump the kids. I'm just hoping that people will understand.

There are loads of kids in my family, especially on my mum's side, but me and OH aren't fussed about kids, don't want any of our own so we're having a no kids rule. everyone knows what we're like so I can't think it'd be an issue. Most people are looking forward to some time away from their kids to be honest!!

The only exception we've made (and I'd still rather not have him there but there's not too much we can do about it!!) is for SIL2B's baby (he'll be born next month) he'll be 9 months old when we get married, and seeing as his entire extended family will be at our wedding, we thought it'd be safer to let him come rather than expect him to fend for himself at home!

I agree, I think you should just invite who you want there and sod the rest of them!! Otherwise your like, 'oh we have to invite them coz we invited them'

There are some members of my OH family that he gets on better with and some he doesnt see so they are just gnna get invited to the evening reception.

The only other option is to have a less formal or fancy breakfast so you can invite everyone but without it costing as much.

Hi,

Have you had an engagement party?

I'm in the same situation, my H2b has hardly no family, where as i have 80+.

To fizzle the list down im having an engagement party and inviting them all, those im not close to who i know wont bother with the engagement party won't be invited to the wedding. If they ask why, i'll be able to say that i didn't think they were bothered as they didn't come to our engagement party. So ill just put them down for the evening party.

I know its hard just picking the important ones, so this is making it much easier for me.

Families and weddings are supposed to be a nice combination! Never the case though! I've got a big family on both my Mum and Dad's which totals 16 aunties and uncles, and 37 cousins, cousin's wives/husbands and kids! Thats 53 before anyone else is considered! OH on the other hand has less than 20 relatives including grandparents, aunts/uncles.cosuins and all the rest!

I originally considered the aunties and uncles to the day and cousins join kater, but there are some cousins who I like a hell of a lot more than some aunties haha! I still don't know how we're going to get around it, but I'm thinking we may just have to be ruthless and iv=nvite who we want. nd if they get offended I would quite happily explain to some of them that they weren't invited due to their hideous behaviour over the last few years to the decent members of the family!

But we shan't get into that haha!

I think you should just invite the ones you're close to, theres not much more you can do. And if the others get upset, well then you don't see them as often so it doesn't really matter! ?

I wish it was as easy as invite who you want and sod the rest. I'm my family it's really not. Not only will they start asking me 1001 questions about "why they aren't good enough to come to the meal" but also my parents and sister.

our venue can hold 300 people it's more the issue that we can't afford to have everyone. As someone else said I'm having to not invite friends who I'm closer to than family which I really dong want to do

think I feel worse as I'm really missing OH and don't have him to talk it over.

thanks for the comments.

We normally meet up as a family at least once a year. I am dreading it this year

Oh hun, don't be so down, you'll work it out. when you're with OH sit down with him and try and work out who definitely needs to be there and by that i mean the ones that you can't get married without, and go from there.

I really do understand how tough it is like i said we've both got huge families, and i have 24 cousins and i am close to every one of them and all but 3 of them have children. We all meet up every couple of months for drinks we are really tight. At the same time i've got aunts and uncles that i do see from one year to the next.

I was stressing so much over who to invite and who i 'should' invite that i was making myself ill. My mum sat me down and told me that it is my day and when i'm in the church getting married and i look out to my guests looking back at me i should see the people there that are important to me regardless of whether they are an aunt, friend or milkman lol. If they're important they should be there. So now that is what i'm doing, it is our day and i refuse to invite people just because you are 'family' when i have friends that i want there more.

I am the other way around to you - my H2B has an enormous family (his mum and dad are both one of 10, who are all married with kids and grandkids for some - you do the math!!) whereas I'm only a little family. What we've done is give the same number of invites to his family as my family make up - so the total number of my family (and we've included some close friends of my dads who he has asked if he can invite and as he's given us a tonne of money we've felt obliged to) is 18 so his family can have 18 places too and we have then asked his mum and dad to decide who they want to invite. It took the pressure off us choosing, allowed them to feel involved and meant it wasn't us getting grief for not inviting people. It helps that because his family is SOOOOOO big, he isn't close to them all so only had a couple that he felt he knew and would like to be there. Maybe do something similar?

Alternatively, if you go with those you feel close to think how relieved all your cousins will be when it is their turn to sort out a guestlist - you might find you don't get invited to future family weddings but you will understand the headache involved and not feel too put out.

It is your day but I know at times like this it doesn't feel like it - we initially tried for a venue that only catered for 20 which would have been my equivalent of your decisions right now and it was horrible. Good luck!

I am thinking of saying to OH that we should just invite 100 people to the day (at £60 per head its still £6k) and then we can both pick 50 people each. Think I am just going to have to thicken up my skin and get ready for the on slaught which I know will come.

To be honest with my family if its not one thing its another. Even if I had invite everyone, someone would still find something to complain about. "How comes so and so is closer to the head table" etc

Think I will just have a glass of Amertto and try to forget about it for a while

Hi

i am in the same position as you, we have decided that aunts and uncles are coming to the day, i have 10 cousins all with partners and 7 second cousins! i am extremely close to three of my cousins so they are the only ones coming to the day, it kinda helps that the two girls are my BM and the male cousin is my OH best man!

i will expect my other cousins to realise why these three are at wedding they are always visiting me and i see them all the time and we always plan occasions with each other. everyone else will be invited to the evening do

my wedding breakfast will only be 46 people so i have been very ruthless helps that my OH family consists of 9 people though!!

just think of the people you want there

xx

I was in teh opposite poition to you. My family consists of 6 (yup count them) people while OH's spans the country and is just endless. We were the in a slightly different situation as we wanted a small wedding and so chose a small hotel which we literally took over, and it couldnt have had many more people in it than it did. Having said that no one knew the size of teh venue when the invites went out. We split the guest list in 2 (25 each including bridal party) and went about filing it. OH very simply coundnt invite his wholefamily and so had to make decisions, in the end he invited immediate family and a coule of his favourite aunts. I htink OHs parents did some talking to the other family members as they were all waiting for their invites (OH sister had had a massive wedding 5 years before where everyone was invited). My guestlist was filled with family friends - who as far as I am concerned were my family as i was growing up. We did have a couple of declines and these then went to OH favourite cousins.

As someone else said having an egagementparty may be an good idea as everyone could be invited. We didntinvite any of my parnets friends children (although I had grown up with them we arent close and i dont see them that often) so we arranged for a tea party at Sketch (amazing restaurant/ bar/ tea room in London) and all met up there. That way they felt as though they were included but just not at the day, they got an invite explaining that our wedding wasnt huge but we wanted to celebrate with them and so were holding the tea pary. Everyone really enjoyed themselves and felt included.

We weren't planning on having an engagement party. We will have a meal for our parents on 25 June (just under a year from the wedding) but OH didnt want an engagement party

This morning I looked at our guest list which was 112 and of that only 39 was OH's people. This morning decided that we should have 60 invites each (including children) I drew up my list and it was soo hard. I just know there will be headache to follow.

OH is back on Tuesday so will discuss further with him. His motto has been "whatever makes you happy baby" I'm a bit worried that if he sees how upset its making me he will do overtime at work to make more dosh so I can have all my family. As much as this would be great and sort the issue. I would still feel bad.

Thanks for all your lovely comments and suggestions.

Okay, this may not go down well at all, but I'll say it anyway...

Are your parents able to help you out? I know our situation is completely different to yours but my dad is giving us extra to cover the people he wants to invite. Some are his friends, that he wants to invite, but to be fair to him others are his family that he feels he has to invite. So he is paying for them, since he can't really expect us to cover the costs.

Now it doesn't sound from your post like your parents have put any pressure on you at all, which is obviously good for you! But are they maybe able to cover the extra above what you can afford so that your whole family can come? Even if it was only a loan, it might be an option?

Personally I would never play favourites and only invite some of my cousins. But then again I'm quite close to all of them, maybe I'd feel differently if I didn't like some of them LOL! But I would either invite them all to the meal, or none. If you go down the 'none' option, you could consider having your speeches and cutting your cake in the evening to include more people.

Don't forget too that some people will decline, for various reasons. Some people that we thought would definitely come haven't been able to.

Hope you manage to come to a solution!

My parents have been amazing! You're right, they haven't put any pressure on us. They are paying for our invites and evening buffet so wouldnt want to ask them cover more.

In the worse case senerio my OH could do 2 weekends OT and earn enough to cover the additional amount to have my whole family. It just seems unfair that the majority of the guest will be my family. I know once we are married they will be his family too but it still makes me feel bad.

I cant wait for him to come home so we can sit down and talk it over

To be really honest, if 2 weekends' OT is all it takes, I say let him do it. I don't think it matters if a guest list is uneven. People will realise it is because one family is bigger than the other and no-one will think anything of it!

Hi ladies

Wanted to come back with an updated.... ?

Am down my parents for dinner and have been going over the guestlist with my Mum. We have manged to work it out so that it only comes to an extra £840. I will be having all my cousins but those with long term partners will have to come alone. I feel so much better. OH and I had factored in an extra £1k into our budget as a buffer just encase. So it can come out of that. Plus as we are under budget it still leaves us with another £800 should we need

Mum and Dad have also offered to put money behind the bar, as well as pay for the evening catering and invitation. I am so grateful to them.

Thank you all so much for your comments ?

Hi,

I know how you feel. I have cousins that I haven't seen in years. Most of my friends have at least three children. I have had to send an email explaining that we are having an intimate do with some family members and close friends and their partners. I havent had a response yet but I think the no children rule has gone down like a lead ballon. Oh well.. nevermind. We are having 80 people in the day and 120 in the evening. And that is cutting it down to the bare bones. The only children that are invited are family. I wouldn't worry things tend to work out. Happy planning.

Indeed the are. My parents have been amazing. It's going to cost OH and I a bit more money but at least its less stress, tears and headache for me