i have been a 'victim' of domestic violence....please ask anything

What happened to you? (Feel free to tell as much or as little detail as you are happy with)

What was the trigger that made you get out?

Can you remember how you felt at the time it was happening?

How long did it go on for?

How did you get out of the relationship?

I think your very brave for talking about this ?

Please excuse grammer im on my phone!and sorry if its long!

we were 19 been together about a year amd he began becoming a little controlling, at the time it was subtle so i felt he was being protective to me...then it got worse, the major beginning point for me was when we went to the pub with friends and he was all over another girl, i made a sarcastic comment about it and he pretended to hug me in front of everyone who were saying going awww guys get a room, he was actually pinching me really hard and whispering in my ear what a loser i was...i felt really confused and the next day asked him what that was all about i was so shocked i didnt actually believe it had happened.

this escalated gradually over a long time until he was telling me daily how stupid i was, if i cooked a meal he'd throw it away plate and all saying it wasnt right, he said i was getting fat (i was a size 8) and he'd make comments about my appearance regularly, I started believing them (we are talking over a long time) and my confidence plummeted.

As for what happened?? gosh it was so often but some incidnts that stick in my head are that he often slapped me or pushed me over and then he'd spit on me (so degrading), once he kicked me so hard he left the FILA trainer logo imprinted on my leg..once we went to his parents for dinner and we were 3 mins late-(my fault) he sat outside their house punching me in the arm over and over (i lost count) with every punch he shouted c*** at me-then we had to go and sit and eat with them all like it never happened. He once smacked my head against the window sill in my parents house and i made up an excuse about slipping in the shower.

I became pregnant with my daughter and thought things may change...he called me a fat c*** everyday and was so crap at the birth I knew that day that i had no feelings for him but was so ground down (it had been 6 yrs) I didnt know any better, thought i deserved it and didnt want to admit to anyone what had happened, we (stupidly) bought a house and after having her he said my saggy body, stretch marks etc were so gross nobody would ever want me, (even though 2 days after having her he asked me when I'd be up for it again as he was desparate!) the emotional ebuse was horrific and the physical just became a way of life i felt worthless and felt it was justified as i was obviously useless at cooking, cleaning and being a mummy..i never saw my friends or family as it wasnt worth the hassle-if we went for dinner at my mums he's kick me under the table to say it was time to go and always I felt so awkward..

what made me leave him??? this day i remember like yesterday..i was ironing in the front room my daughter (18 months) in the highchair, he stormed in from work (he got jealous if i had a day off as it wasnt fair!) I stupidly followed him into th kitchen and asked what was wrong, he picked me up by my throat and carried me back to the front room, threw me on the sofa and straddled me screaming ( i dont even know what) with his hands round my neck i felt like i was going to die ight there in front of my baby-she was screaming trying to get out the highchair and i struggled so much-eventually he just let go..i got up and grabbed my girl the whole time he was goading me calling me a fat c*** i ran upstairs to get her bag and he followed at the top of the stairs he grabbed me by the neck and held me over the top threatening to let go, i was holdin my baby and crying saying just let us go..we got out and i ran to the car-I driove for miles crying and crying when i stopped i remember sitting eating rusks with my daughter and asking her what are we going to do now! (now im geting choked up!)

he text me and said he had gone to his friends and that i shouldnt have wound him up...i went home and the next day told him it was over-i left with 2 binbags full of stuff and my daughter and left him eevrything-the house, furniture etc i didnt want any of it...

I dont like the word victim-it was what it was but i dont want to be HIS victim-like he has power over me (i cant explain well it sorry)

at first i never thought it would get that bad-but i was a 'textbook' dv case!!gradual putdowns, alienated from others and eventually violence by which time i believed i was worth nothing

I didnt tell my family for about a year after as i was ashamed and i didnt think anyone would believe me and tbh i wish id never bothered! i expected them to need restraining at the door as they were so angry but no, my dad said nothing and my mum well....she still to this day drops hints at how she cant understand why women put up with it and if its that bad they wouldnt stay!!lucky her being in a hapy relationship for the last 45 years!!

Your story is very similar to my experiences with my daughters' dad. The night I left him my twins were 10 weeks old and still not fully recovered from their birth. He picked up the coffee table and hit me on the back with and just missed their cribs by inches. That was the last straw, I called my grandad and he came and got me. I didn't want my girls growing up thinking that was normal, even though my childhood was the same. 7 years of hell. Takes a long time to get over it.

its funny how you can put up with so much but the minute your children are involved you have the strength to leave....it does take a long time I still feel '***' about myself fat ugly and angry about not having the balls to leave earlier-i have been happily married for 2 years and at times have flinched form my husband when he's gone in for a hug and so it affects him too, my daughter started having flashbacks when she was 5 and when she confronted her dad last year (aged 10) he denied all...well done to you for having the courage to walk xxx

That sounds absolutely horrific and I can't begin to imagine what it was like to go through something like that! Thank God you got out of it in one piece.

So are you and your daughter still in contact with him then?

Did your parents or friends notice a change in you or have any idea what was going on?

Just also want to point out that because id not reported any of this or documented it (funnily enough i kept a very detailed diary of everything he did and he convinced me so much it was my fault i burnt them all!) there was no evidence, that and the fact my daughter was so young throught he courts he was still allowed regular contact it was not my choice-when she was 8 she said to me "my dad only loves me when he doesnt have a girlfriend, but when he has one i dont think he cares if im there" i told him he had to sort his life out and be a dad or not bother...he has chosen to see her v occasionally since then-and just once in the last 12 months..

funnily enough the night he split my head open on the windowsill my parents were downstairs...fast forward 4 years when i cam clean and said he'd actually hit me my mum's first words were "was it him that cut your head open that night??i knew it, ive always known you didnt really slip in the shower"

after that i never felt i could tell her the full extent of any of it-god if i suspected my daughter was being abused upstairs in my home id rather look stupid and be proved wrong than ignore it!!

My eldest daughter had to have counselling as she was so badly affected by it. He did some horrific things to me in front of her and I felt completely powerless to stop it. He chipped away at my self esteem and confidence so much that I believed that my girls would be taken off me if I told anyone. How bloody ridiculous is that? Even typing this it doesn't even feel it was ms all those years ago. It's like I'm talking about someone else. Luckily my girls aren't adversely affected now, they're all well rounded confident young women and I know they will never end up with a guy like their dad. Just wish it had been true for me though

I just want to say how brave you both are for walking away and for sharing on here. It's something that people are afraid to talk about yet everyone says they wouldn't stand for it.

I'm so sorry to hear how your parents reacted to your situation. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 17-18 (no where near as bad physically as described here) and the only reason I got out of it was because my friend told my parents. I was really mad at the time because I thought I could handle it myself but looking back I'm so glad my parents stepped in the way they did and I'll always remember my mum crying because she had no idea it was going on.

Did you confide in your new husband early on in the relationship or did it take a while to tell him what you'd been through?

No questions, just wanted to say how brave you are ladies.

Reading that were really harrowing so I cant imagine what it was like actually going through it. Well done for speaking out.

No questions but just wanted to say how brave you are for posting about this to try and help others ?" />

he still doesnt know exactly what happened or how relentless it was, not many people )if any) really know the full story.. i told early on there were issues as he questioned why my ex picked my daughter up from my mums and not mine. Once we were talking about breaking bones and I said without thinking my ex hit me so hard he broke his own hand once, and my h was shocked I could be so matter of fact but it really was drummed into me this was totally normal and justified.

he feels so angry at what happened and often says he wishes he'd met me years earlier so that I'd not met my ex but we cant change the past and just have to not allow my ex to ruin my and esp my daughters future, I could (and often do) regret so much-I lost my lovely house, my confidence, the majority of friends and more annoyingly my career..I gave up on everything and never bothered to finish studying, I know I could now but i have 2 kids and a job that works around them and at this point in my life they are priority.

I posted this op because i dont want anyone to go through what i did, there is help out there and people will believe you and support you plus its not anything to be ashamed of-I actually went on to work for a bit in a refuge after I left and found out that 1 in 4 women will suffer dv at some point and so on a site like here im sure there are others like me...

xx

Well done for speaking out and thank you for sharing your story. I am sat here in tears of relief because I realise that my sister managed to get out at the right time - it could have been a whole lot worse for her and her kids.

thank god ?

Oh yes. Someone was definitely looking down on both her and you.

How do you feel when you see him? Assuming that you have to see him for your daughter to visit.

I went through similar between 14 and 17...our relationship ended in court and he served time in jail, there was also a restraining order in place for a long while after. When I pass by areas where I know I could possibly bump in to him I'm torn between sheer terror and wondering whether I am strong enough now to kick the sh!t out of him. At one stage I considered organising for him to be seriously hurt.

If you see him face to face then hats off to you as I couldn't do it.

Do you still have nightmares?

No questions just??

I grew up in a house of DV. Lived in a refuge as a teenager. Had counselling. Now part of my job helps women who suffer from abuse and protect children that witness it.

Your really brave talking about because I know from experience its hard to admit and seek help. You did the right thing for your little girl.

From a professional perspective did you feel the law couldn't protect you? Did you ever get the police involved? I don't feel enough is ever done by the police myself.

I don't have a question but just wanted to say that I admire your bravery, both in the way you coped, and also in raising this issue here and telling your story. x

I think everyone that goes through the pain and anguish of a domestic violence situation is so so brave. You ladies are such in inspiration that you had the strength and courage to get out.

My dad was violent towards my mum. I don't have any recollection of it as she left him when I was about one. She never, for one second, thought he would hurt me but she also didn't want me growing up in that environment.

I actually knew nothing about the DV until I asked her outright when I was 15. I still can't explain why I did. She said that he had hit her but that I wasn't old enough to know any more than that yet. It wasn't until a few years later that we properly talked about it.

I actually have a really good relationship with my dad though. My mam never said a bad word about him to me when I was growing up and when I found out the truth she was still very keen for me to keep my relationship with him. She was very firm on the fact that the man my father is as a husband is not the man he is as a dad.

I know that this definitely isn't the case for everyone and I can't imagine what the fear must be like if there is a possibility he would hurt your child too.

Thank you to everyone who is speaking out about this topic. Domestic Violence is nothing to be ashamed of and deserves to be talked about.

Thank you for sharing. It's very brave of you to talk about it.

My mum's second husband was very violent and abusive towards her and me, and like you it took her a number of years to pluck up the courage to realise how wrong it was for her to be treated like that and to leave. It makes me so sad when people say "why didn't you walk away the first time" because I don't think they understand what it does to you emotionally. My mum was desperate to defend his actions and insist that actually he was a great guy but she wound him up. She actually didn't know what he was doing to me until a few years after we left and I told her about it. Again, like you, we couldn't do anything through the police because there was no evidence and the last incident had happened years ago.

I suppose my question to you would be how much do you feel it still affects you today? I have moments of really struggling because of what happened when I was little because it feels very much like it's framed my whole life. I don't know if that feeling is similar when you experience abuse as an adult.

I rarely have to see him as he doesnt bother with my daughter much really...i just hate him, he makes my skin crawl-i have no feelings of fear anymore im almost emotionless to that now.

I guess seeing him does drag it all up and I start remembering stuff but tbh not a day goes by when I dont think about some part of the abuse as it has totally moulded me into how I am now (if that makes sense!)

Also he has developed a really awful taste in fashion as he gets older so I usually giggle to myself at how silly he looks!!

I dont have nightmares but can at times have a good old cry thinking about it..

I really didnt know what could be done to help me (if anything) i didnt know where to get help..I never called the police as I didnt have the guts.

I do remember once my neighbour asking if everything was ok as she'd heard crashing about and shouting one night-i laughed it off as my ex doing diy and knocking stuff over but in my head i was thinking "i wish you'd called the police and please call them for me next time" and he pulled up at traffic lights screaming and punching me, i looked out the window and saw 2 men in a van watching with their mouths open, the driver undid his seatbelt and i was praying for him to get out his car and get me, my ex saw them and obv realised, he sped off and again I was desparate for them to take our reg number down and call the police..

i just didnt have the courage to call them myself in case they didnt have evidence or it made him worse..

so sorry for what you went through co ?

It still affects me a lot, I dont trust anyone and im quite frankly a mug!I do allow people to walk over me and my husband gets quite frustrated with me, i never believe i deserve anything 'nice', I have serious issues with my appearance and feel revolting, i cannot even look at my wedding pics as i think i look hideous. I just dont feel good enough i guess..I still find my asking permission to do stuff eg see friends, even to go to bed early!I cook everynight and constantly ask if its ok!And im alsways saying sorry for stuff.......surprised my h has stuck around!!

do you mind me asking in what way it has affected you and your life now??xx

It's so sad to hear how it still affects your life now, your happiness really. I often wonder if I should see a professional as I have violent dreams and night sweats often...do you think you would benefit from some sort of counselling to help you realise that you are worth it and to build up your confidence?

I find this to be a regular occurrence unfortunately. My mum never called the police, I did, and then my nanna because she was a hell of a lot scarier than any police officer.

In the criminal sense there is a strong threshold to be met by way of evidence. The family court is entirely different. I find a lot of my clients have called the police, nothing has been done and then I run off to court to do the job they should have been doing all along.

I hope your able to get past everything that has happened. And I hope any woman reading this knows where they can turn to for support.

im sorry you are suffering still this way-thats not good...I did try and see a counsellor once but it was too soon, i felt like she was probably judging me and i just wasnt ready at all. I also get angry with myself that all this time has past and he probably doesnt suffer at all from it let alone think about what he did to me, so then I think why should I waste anymore of my time on him by bringing it all up with a stranger! but actually I think (you and) I would both benefit from seeing somebody ?

I also went on to work in a refuge (most of the staff there had seen or had dv in their lives) and we campaigned tirelessly to raise awareness and show women and men that there is support...refuge's are a 'safe' house so need to be pretty confidential and sadly (in my area at least) this meant the whole dv support service was also kept under wraps unless a police officer contacted a refuge..which only happened when the 'victim' called them! thankfully things have changed here (i dont work there anymore it became too hard for me but I still keep in touch and still see there latest news in the press)

x

I know what you mean, I get angry with myself because although I don't give him much thought, my subconscious obviously does and I can't control it. It annoys me that he probably never thinks about what he put me through, I doubt his actions cause him any remorse.