It's all come crashing down around me - Long and x-posted.

God how absolutely awful for you. Not been through anything similar with gambling per se, but have been lied to catastrophically and unless the person recognises that they have done wrong, and accepts the responsibility (and in your case accepts they have a major addiction problem) then you can't get through it together.

I feel for you, you sound distraught but I am sure you have done the right thing. Lots of other much wiser people will be here soon to offer much more sensible advice but didn't want to read and run. Take care xx

Do you want to get over it? It's a huge shock but if you love him then you can get past it. A lot depends on if he wants to stop. It's hard but there is help out there. Can you have a reasoned conversation with him?

You seem very sure he's an "addict", and that's quite a label to give someone. Sounds more like he's been a bit of an idiot, got in over his head and panicked.

What has he lost in total ? About a grand ? OK, that's a fair bit of cash when you're saving for a wedding, but it's not like he's started hocking your jewellery.

If this is the only thing he has done wrong, I would have thought a second chance was in order.

If you have upped an run at the first sign of trouble, then maybe he's not the right fella for you. he obviously needs help and counselling for this gambling addiction - wouldn't you want to be there to help the man you love at least *try* to make things right again?

"He was still talking about winning it all back when we were arguing."

I think this bit is a pretty sure sign that he's either an addict or well on his way to becoming one. It must have been awful him not fessing up and allowing you to check the joint account. FWIW I think you've done the right thing but you need to keep communicating with him, you love him and he needs your help. Hopefully it's all come to light before it gets too big too handle and maybe he'll be shocked into doing something about it.

x

I think I do want to work it out with him only if he admits he has a problem and gets some help. I do love him and want to help him but I'm pretty peed off and upset about the whole thing.

I'm no expert on the definition of addict but as he has been doing this for months behind my back and increasingly gambling more and more money to win back all that he has lost, to me he's addicted. He didn't know when to stop and was still talking about winning it all back. Whether he stole £1500 or was 'hocking my jewellery' is irrelevant, he's lied and decieved me and betrated my trust and those are the big issues.

I don't think i'm 'running at the first sign of trouble'. I wanted him to realise how much he's hurt me and I wanted space to think things through and work out what to do and what i want. Although if i was running away from this sort of trouble I don't think that would be so terrible.

I have attempted a conversation with him and said we should meet up at the weekend and talk this through. I mainly need to work out if I can trust him again.

I can imagine this must be horrendous for you, but I also think that if you do still love him you can get over it. I'm also not sure if he's actually addicted or whether he's just in over his head - I can imagine that he was taking more money in the hope that he'd end up breaking even. I know that you feel betrayed but it must have been so easy for him if you never check the bank account (to be honest I can't see why anyone wouldn't check their accounts periodically but that's by the by).

It depends how you feel and how you want to continue. If you decide that you want to still be with him, then there is plenty of help and advice you can get to help you move through this. He's also got to want to stop though, and there will be trust issues that you will need to work through, but I don't think it would be insurmountable.

If it was me, I'd probably give him a second chance, or at least a chance to explain why he did it. i certainly wouldn't write it all off just yet. I guess I can't help thinking that while it's a huge shock and you've obviously lost a lot of money,there are worse things that he could have done - and worse things have been forgiven.

I hope you work it out for the best, whatever you choose to do.

I think a little space when you are seriously bloody angry with someone can be a good thing. In the meantime, I would imagine there are groups for families of gamblers, where you could get some help on what to say/how to cope.

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/pages/supporting.html

You need to understand the extent of the problem, fully, and he needs to stop. Imo, if he can't stop, he's addicted. I would think the 'I just need to win it back' mindset is entirely typical. You definitely need some help understanding and dealing with the problem

L
xx

I also think "addict" is way too strong a word to use here. My OH plays online poker a lot, successfully (he's won about 10K oover the past three years or so) and he has had some horrid downturns. It's about not letting it affect your play.

Even if your fiancee has developed a bit of a gambling habit, it shouldn't be too hard for him to knock it on the head - it's a recent problem, and not something he's ever done before, right?

I can understand why you are angry and upset, but if everythnig else in your relationship is good I don't see why you can't work through this.

I imagine this has been pretty stressful for him too, not least being assaulted* and then verbally abused. At that point I imagine I'd say just about anything to try and put things right.

I know you're very angry and upset right now (rightly so) but you need to just stop a moment and give your OH some credit. He came to you and told you he had no money. And from what you've said, after very little digging or questioning, he has come clean about everything.

That is a major first step and shows that he is aware of his actions - believe me, my H doesn't gamble but has hidden credit card debts from me for a heck of a lot longer and withstood harder questioning than that without coming clean.

I think some time apart to calm down is a good thing, but if you love him, this can be worked through. In essence, he's come to you for help, albeit in a round-about way. Good luck.

Perhaps. Maybe that's why he said it but it is a classic indicator that it's more than a bit of flirt and fun gambling. I also think 'assaulted and verbally abused' are pretty inflammatory words to use when the OP has made herself vulnerable by coming on here and giving all the facts, including her own actions.

The main difference between her OH and Sophie's is that he has been hiding his gambling and taken money that didn't belong to him in order to fund it. Personally, I'd say these are significant.

x

I have first-hand experience of this with my own husband. When I met him, he was a gambler and it really didn't bother me but for some reason, over the years, he started to do it secretively, culminating in him ending up borrowing large sums of money from a friend that we then had to pay back when it all came out. He went to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting the very next day after it all came out and has been 'clean' now for five years.

One of the main things that you have to deal with in a person with any addiction is the lies and deceit. That is what hurts more rather than the money (although this is also crucial if it gets you into debt). I go to the GA Open Meetings every six months and the stories you hear there are the same - people lieing to and deceiving those they love because of their addiction. Lots of people I have heard talk at those meetings have lost everything but have managed to pull themselves together with the support of the group and their partners.

For those of you who are saying that addict is a strong word to use in this case, then I think you are wrong. Anyone who is secretly gambling (or drinking or whatever) has a problem that they can't control and needs help. He is also using the classic line - "but I can win it all back" - that is what gambling addicts think - and this is not just from listening to my husband but to all the others in the GA group. GA meetings are full of people like Rossatron's OH - that is one thing that you understand from these open meetings, that you are not alone and many, many people have this problem.

Rossatron, you do say you love him and he will need all your help to sort this out. The main issue you have I think is getting him to acknowledge it is a problem and be open to help. The lies and deceit take a little longer to forget but you can do it. I hope you can work it out with him.

I'm not sure anyone can say whether he's addicted or whether his addiction (if any) is an insurmountable problem, based on what's been written here.

I feel sympathy for the OP. However, for me it would be far too early to cut and run- I can see why you're so upset and hurt but there's no reason to think that this is a problem that can't be addressed. In your shoes I would be postponing the wedding if it's soon, rather than cancelling, and looking at trying to work through the issues rather than simply calling a day on the whole thing. Everyone makes mistakes and, while this is obviously a big one, it's not necessarily a reason to end things. Getting in too deep with gambling is quite common, I think- lost of people fall into the trap of losing money then losing more trying to put it right- it's foolish but it's not necessarily a sign of addiction and it's quite a human failing, I think. It may well be that he is genuinely sorry and really won't do it again, in which case it's a terrible shame to end a relationship over it. In your shoes, I'd give him at least one more chance.

Agree - that is exactly the point BWC.

Can I come at this from the angle of a Poker player? I am a huge poker player. I mainly play in Leagues and The Casino, but at the loss getting a real game I have played online. I can see how easy it is to end up spending alot of money online if you don't reign yourself in. I have banned myself from online Poker because I wasn't happy with the way things were escalating, and I consider myself to be a sensible player, so I guess it can happen to anyone.

He didn't take out all your savings and stick it on one game without a care in the world. He got himself into a little mess, and then that mess got bigger as he was trying to get himself back out. It does not mean he is an addict, it means he has been stupid and needs to reconcile that he has lost that money and he isn't going to get it back playing Poker.

I can understand that you are angry, I would be too, but I think it is something that you can work on if you can both sit down and discuss this.

IMO, the OP's partner crossed a line when he took her money. He pushed her into finding him out only when the bill situation drove him into a corner.

If I knew none of this was going on, found out like she did, and then was unable to have a sensible conversation about it without partner being determined he could 'win it all back', I'd be devastated.

I think space is good. There's little point in you trying to talk anything through if he can't see how much damage he's done. I'd leave the door open, but his comprehension of the situation needs to change.

Are you secretive about your gambling? Do you gamble your mortgage money and your savings and those of your partner? Because you sound a lot mroe in control than the op's husband, tbh.

I realise we don;t have all the facts here, which is why i suggested the op talk to people who have dealt with gambling addicts - it may help get a handle on whether he is one. Because at the moment, the op suggests he thinks more poker is the way to recoup losses - typical addict behaviour, surely? and if nto an addict, then certainly someone who is a tad removed from reality currently.

L
xx

If I didn't live with a addict I lived with someone who became an addict

My ex-boyfriend gambled away £2000 and secretly took out a loan to cover his debt, I knew he used fruit machines but didn't understand at the time how out of control it was although I do remember going on nights out and having to come an hour later because he spent all our cash. I can also see in hindsight lack of money when we went out also made him agetated and eventually he became violent, it din't matter if we agreed at the start of the night that I would have the money half and hour in he was doing anything he could to get the money off me and in to the fruit machine. £2000 was a lot of money to us and I was devastated when I found out, my payrise had to cover his loan repayments. When I left about 6months later I did try to talk to be people about the fruit machines but got a very luke warm sort of well "its just him" or "it can't be that bad". Moving forward its his wife has told all of her friends about his gambling problem (9yrs on) and mutral friends say he is as bad as ever when it comes to lying and losing money, I'm told his debts are very high. My ex could never get past the fruit machine and instead his addiction got worse, you need to ask yourself if this is something that is the start or a problem or the end of his gambling days. You can never call someone an addict because they need to admitt that for themselves.

I completely understand about the lose of money by the way, 1K is a lot of money to some people.

Millions of people no doubt play poker online or in real life without issues but that's pretty irrelevant to someone who has a problem with moderating their behaviour.

It's like saying, it's wrong to call a man alcoholic because he's drinking secretly, spending money on alcohol he can't afford and showing other destructive behaviours just because lots of people drink without problems.

I'm afraid gambling secretly, spending money needed for bills, and spending joint savings secretly all would tick alarm boxes for me.

I'm really sorry for the OP - I hope they can work something out with their fiance but I can't blame them for halting their wedding plans until they are sure things are under control. It's a terrible breech of trust.

This is how all gamblers (and all professional risk takers eg traders) operate though- there are times when you're up and times when you're down and the way to recoup losses is to take further (calculated) risks. If you simply gamble until you're down then stop there's no possible outcome other than that you're a loser. Surely the essence of gambling addiction is that the continued gambling is a compulsion, not a logical response to a situation? There's no way of knowing in this case which it is. I know you're not claiming otherwise, Lois, and that you explicitly say as much- I just wanted to make the point that while wanting to recoup losses through more gambling can be a sign of addiction, it can also be normal rational risk-taking.

Obviously taking the OP's money without permission is absolutely unacceptable.

WZS. It might be that this is a one-off mess up but I think the OP is right to question her OH on this and it's absolutely fair to be angry. However, don't make any permanent decisions yet - talk to him and find out more. See what can be done, if he needs help or if it's something that has scared him enough to mean he won't do it again.

From my own personal experience as I posted earlier, secretive gambling can define an addict. When that person is gambling a) they think they can win it all back and b) they have no thought for how they are going to pay for this, they just do it (that is all part of the addiction). In this case, he is being secretive, he can't afford it as he can't pay his way this month and he still thinks he can win it back.

I'm not sure the addict/ non addict thing is such an issue- after all thats just a label. i went through a similar thing with my husband many years ago, truely eye watering amounts. We did think he had an addiction and he attended GA a few times. However in retrospect I think it was just pure stupidity, getting caught up in it and going too far. He stopped as soon as he hit rock bottom.

Whats the difference if hes addicted? then he gets to go to Ga? Because, theres no test when you walk in, they don't care what you call yourself. yes admiting a problem can help addict rehabilitate, but for the moment, I'd worry about more pressing issues.

Addict or not, gambling away your wedding money is not normal behaviour, unless you happen to be a cnut.

For MrH, he was scared shitless by what he'd done,paid it back attended GA and as far as I know, never went near it again. I am very anti gambling because I saw the tricks used by reputable companies to keep addicts gambling, and it was immoral. Thats a whole differnet debate, I know, but it IS hard. When an alcoholic gets sober, they don't tend to get Christmas cards from Smirnoff or emails telling them if they come to the pub now they can get a free bottle of champagne.

From your POV, only you can decided whether you want to get through this, I would certainly take some time alone, away from him and have a very long think. Its devestating when people disappoint you but hes only human and we all make mistakes.

Big hug, I know how much you need it x

Well put Hyacinth. I think the 'only' thing my H gets from GA is support from other who have been in the same situation as him. Every gambler reaches a rock bottom situation and that is what generally gets them to seek help. My H still goes every week and has done for the past 5 years and 'enjoys' the support he gets from the group.

Don't get me wrong, I know this very well, H and I are pretty big on the risk taking. But key to me is that we take calculated risks, and aren't secretive about what we're doing. When it comes to gambling there's a sort of madness that can grip you much more so than when you're logically weighing up risk (even when you ignore logic and just go for it) - and that's where the problem lies I think. So I agree - it depends if it's logic or more desperation making him continue

L
xx

I lived with a compulsive gambler for 3 years. I didn't realise the extent of the problem until I found he'd stolen £1k from my bank account in increments (I was fresh out of university so this was a huge amount of money to me then) and I'd unearthed loads of lies about money. I lost count of the 'final chances' I gave my ex until I walked away significantly poorer (although a little wiser).

You're right not to get married until this is sorted.

If it's a one off then give yourself some cooling off time to think about what you want to do and if you do get back together you're going to need lots of talking and rebuilding trust and working out how to handle finances.

As an inappropriately flippant aside, I don't think I've ever had 1k in a bank account for anyone to steal. It definitely, definitely counts as a lot of money chez R-A & Mr R-A. I would be absolutely livid if he spent it on anything without consulting with me first, let alone an expensive and addictive hobby.

I think the stories on here show that it doesn't even really matter what the 'issue' is - be it alcohol, porn, gambling or gaming - if something is impacting significantly on your relationship then it is a massive deal, whatever people outside the situation may think. It is a huge shock and pulls the rug from under your feet. To the OP - I have a huge amount of sympathy for your anger. But I agree with those who say don't make any decisions whilst you're still fuming. I'd suggest Relate if it's too difficult to discuss between the pair of you in time.

And I agree with whoever said it doesn't really matter if you call him an addict or not. He is, at the least, a 'problem gambler' - by virtue of his stealing, and the first step, as in all of these issues, is for him to admit he has a problem. And - from a practical pov - for the OP to make sure all her finances are as safe as they can be ie inaccesible from her OH, at least for the time being.

I appreciate all your responses. This is something I have never experienced before so i'm grateful to hear from people who have dealt with the same or similar issues. I realise that it's not good to make rash decisions in the heat of the moment and i'm trying to do ym best to think things through and work how where to go from here. OH and I have decided to meet at the weekend and sit down and talk these things through. I do love him of course and that doesn't just go away and I do want to help him if possible. The main thing is the lies, deceit and betrayal. Also £1500 of our savings is a lot of money to us and Oh has been spending his own money for months.

I think to use the word assault is slightly harsh, it was a gut reaction. I also think that regardless of whether he is addicted or has been stupid, he has still lied to me and effectively stolen our money and broken my trust.

I've looked into some gamblers anonymous meetings and OH and I will discuss attending these meetings when we meet up. I appreciate all responses and will let you know how it all goes. At the moment I'm still soo angry and upset about the situation and for me cancelling the wedding and spending time apart is the best thing. Whether we get back on track with the wedding or not I have to do whats right for me now.

Would you be saying that if it was him who hit you?

You owe him an apology for hitting him - nothing justifies that.

I hope you can talk things through to a resolution that works for you both.

I totally appreciate what you are saying. I was just trying to come in from a different perspective, Devils advocate if you will. I posted on here two years ago when my husband had an affair, because I knew I would get a more broad opinion than from my friends...And what a broad opinion it was! It is because of some fantastic support and advice I received here that I decided to try and rebuild the relationship. It's been the hardest two years of my life to date, but it has been very much worth it , and indeed the right decision. I hope the same can be said eventually for the OP whichever decision she makes.