Kids: when and why?

Don't understand why you'd find BT too scary to ask a BT related question. They're not all hormonal maniacs ?

Why is it so scary?

really you should post this over there - the very good reasons to keep BT stuff on BT have been discussed lots of times

BT is one of the least scary places I know. Go and have a chat, they won't all try and convince you to have a baby immediately and tell you its the best thing since sliced bread and try and convert you to re-usable nappies - honest! ?

Post over there - some people post her (not me!) to avoid the baby related stuff.

I'll reply over there!

I don't have kids yet, but I'm pregnant so it's only a matter of time...

My husband and I met at University, and were together 10 years before we got married. We were married about a year before I started to get really broody (we'd always said that we wanted some time 'just us' before kids arrived on the scene), and it took another 6 months or so before we both felt we were ready to start trying.

Trying did take a while, though - we celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary earlier this year, although this is the second time I've been pregnant - I had a miscarriage during that time aswell.

I don't really know why we didn't feel ready sooner than we did. Part of it was probably enjoying our holidays-abroad lifestyle with a reasonable amount of disposable income, and not really feeling like a grown-up.

Only most of them.

[kidding]

Well quite, baron. i'd ask on BT, R-A, you'll get lots of responses and advice.

i was 27 (cub born on my 28th birthday), MrF 33. him in a good career, me not so much. fell pg unexpectedly. we've not had any money for two years now (i gave up work due to illness) so no difference there. i'm just starting a new venture as cub approaches a year old.

no regrets.

OK, I've been told!

The other reason I posted on here is, as in my OP, I wanted the opinions of those who know they want kids but not yet (as in, people in the same situation as me).

I'm 24 and for the past 18 months have swung frequently between being desperate for a baby and thinking 'not for a few years yet'.

Main reasons for not yet:
-We'd like to pay off this mortgage first. WIll take another 1 year, min.
- Buy a new, bigger house.
- Want to get married first.
- We're going travelling for 3 months next year.
- I'm not ready to give up gigs, cinema, travelling, spontanaeity, long lies etc!

Absolutely the same for us.

With the additional condition that we had stable jobs and some money behind us.

I don't understand why people find BT scary. This is the second BT-related post today on OT, both because BT is "scary".

It's because it's full of the scariest OTers like you, Zeb, MrsB and Hazel ?

well, "BT is scary" means: "i dont know anyone there, and because i have no confidence i m asking here". this is a BT question, and should be on BT.

Oh yes, absolutely. I've been saving 1/3 of my salary for a number of years purely so I have a nice nest-egg for when I'm on maternity pay.

Honestly? Without trying to stir this old chestnut up (and I am such a comparatively new Hitcher I certainly don't feel like an 'us and them' OT-er either).

I don't understand any of the acronyms. I once tried to look under 'abbreviations' but none of them were there.

I feel like know I post this there everyone will say 'I wouldn't change a thing' as if I post 'Was your wedding the best day of your life' on WP everyone would say yes. I thought I may get some more honest answers from people with older kids/step kids who may not post on BT.

I also work in women's health. I think I will find it very difficult to transition to BT without being 'obstetrician oncall' or feeling like I had to give lots of medical advice/stand up for doctors and the NHS. (I know Rache and Zoay manage fine but I work in O&G/sexual health).

If you're confused by any of the acronyms, just ask. Someone will explain them for you. I think some commonly used acronyms are listed on the BT Wiki, which someone will be able to provide a link for.

And if you don't want to bring your work to BT, then I don't think anyone will mind if you don't.

Thank you to those who've responded to my OP.

Good to hear from non-parents too.

That makes sense, R-A, although I'm not sure it's the same as being scared of it ? (I actually chose my username to reflect my incomprehension of BT acronyms ?) I get a bit defensive of BT though as every so often there's a "BT are all hormone-crazed loons who only ever think about babies" post on here, ignoring the obvious point that people only post about baby stuff on BT because that's what the board's about...

anyway, a quick answer to your questions- I was 29 when I had my first baby, 31 when I had my second, very young compared to most of my friends. It was a combination of feeling settled emotionally and secure financially but mainly it was simply a feeling of strongly wanting them- I think that one can rationalise how to make the decision for years but ultimately the only good enough reason, IMO, is that you really really want to have children (which is not to say that really really wanting to means you should, IYSWIM). To me, if you're not sure but just think you ought to because your friends are, you're financially secure etc, that's a no.

In response to your OP, we've been married 18 months and are probably going to start TTCing next summer. Reasons are mostly the same as others - we'll be more stable financially by then, and even more so then +9 months + however long TTCing takes us, we hope to complete the loft conversion so we'll have 3 bedrooms and can have guests when we have a baby (and ultimately a room for a potential 2nd child down the line), oh and I will have finished my OU course so won't need to worry about pregnancy brain affecting my revision.

The biggest one for us though is that while I've been broody pretty much since the wedding, MrSC isn't quite ready yet. I'm hoping that by having had a fixed date in mind, it will help him mentally prepare for the idea so that when next summer comes around he'll be ready to go <fnar>. He wants kids, it's just that until we got married it never seemed close enough to worry him. Anyway, he's got a reprieve because my plan was to TTC from Christmas this year but then the OU thing happened, so he gets an extra 6 months ?

Thanks. I actually have the opposite problem I guess, in that none of our friends have kids (almost none are married/coupled up), we don't have alot of money and everything sensible says that we should wait a couple more years (which is almost certainly what we will end up doing). I am one of 5 and have always wanted kids (and I know pretty well what it entails having effectively been 2nd parent to my younger siblings).

In the area I live, and the job I do, having kids before the age of 35 is like announcing you're having a kid at 16, so I guess that's why I asked on here. I think it's rarer to find people who say I wish I had my kids older, than to find people who say I wish I had my kids younger, but my experience is very limited, hence asking on Hitched, which represents a pretty borad church of ages/kids or none/etc.

Thanks for answering. I'm not ruling out posting on BT but I might stay a lurker there for a while first.

Ours was just we really wanted one, to be honest we weren't as financially stable as we had been as I had only been running my business a year after leaving a well paid local government job when I fell pregnant but it has really worked out well and I wouldn't change a thing. I was 27 when I had my LO but I always wanted to have children in my late 20's and we have been together since we were 18 and had been married 4 years.

For me I think it was about being emotionally ready, I knew if I was emotionally ready I would be able to cope with less money, less time etc etc.

That said our financial position wasn't that bad really, we have a relatively low mortgate and low outgoings.

edited to add my age

You should give BT a go. There are some people there who don't have kids and aren't TTC but know they want children at some point. (Is TTC one of the initialisms which confused you? Just in case, it's Trying To Concieve)

Being called scary has made my day ?

To answer the OP, although yes, you would probs have got a better response over there - and perhaps it would have been a bit more politic to ask over there (scary enough for you? ?) I felt ready to have babies 3 years after I got married at the age of 30.

I just felt it was the right time for me. We'd been together 5 years by then, had had nice holidays and plenty of dosh to spend on ourselves and I felt something was 'missing'. I also wanted to be young enough to enjoy my children.

None of my friends had children at that point.

unfortunately my husband didn't agree and didn't feel the same biological clock urges I did.

We waited until I was 31 until I came off the pill and then we started 'seeing how things went' the following year.

By the age of nearly 33 (me) we started going for tests as we'd been trying a year and nothing was happening. Diagnosed with fertility probs. it then took us another few months to conceive and then the baby was rudely rather late, so I ended up giving birth a week after my 34th birthday, a month after our 6th wedding anniversary.

So not at all what I'd planned but the way things turned out. I wanted to feel that my husband was also ready to take on children in our marriage as I knew it would be a massive strain on us (although praps didn't realise how massive!)

I got bad PND following Tabitha's birth so we went through the mill rather in the first year of her life but other than some regrets about the way I handled things which I think contributed to my PND, I have no regrets. Even though we've got no cash, don't get to go out much or away really and have a smaller house than we did before, I wouldn't swap it for my old life (MOST of the time ?)

The one thing I'd advise is wait until you feel you've done a lot of the things you want to do as a couple. although it took us much longer to conceive than I thought, it gave us time to a) do lots of fab things together just the two of us and b) save up a nest egg. which was vital.

I don't have kids. I'm nearly 32 and TBH have never felt ready. I work miles away from where we live so kids couldn't go into childcare, and we couldn't live off H's salary. Also, we live in a tiny house which is barely big enough for the two of us, let alone any more. I know people say "Oh you manage" but if our mortgage and basic bills is more than the breadwinner takes home, then no, you won't manage.

I know time is ticking on, but I like my life as it is. I'm starting a part-time Masters in the new year which will take 2/3 years. I guess I'll just miss the boat.

Edited to add I was 25 when we met and 27 when we married. H is two years older than me.

I'm 36 and Mr W is 34, we've been together for just over ten years, married for four and until the last couple of weeks we've had no strong desire to have children. Since my sister gave birth and a friend went through something very sad baby-related, we've both begun to feel differently. I suspect, unless this feeling wears off, that we'll start trying some time next year. Eek.

Why haven't we had kids so far? Barely any of our friends have, we love our lifestyle - eating out, going away for weekends, holidays, buying nice clothes etc, etc... As well as that, I wantd to make sure that we owned a house and that we were both earning a decent wage - I get pretty good maternity pay at work, but I wanted to be earning enough so that I could take a 25 - 50% pay drop and still be able to cope.

I can assure you that some people on BT have, and do, admit that perhaps the timing could have been better. I know because I'm one of them.

Of course I wouldn't change a thing NOW, because I have 2 children that I (mostly ?) adore. But could the timings have been better? God, yes. Financially, it's almost made us bankrupt, and emotionally (because of the financial strain) it's brought us to the brink of splitting up at least twice. We were of the (bloody stupid) assumption that "You Just Cope" (god, I hate that expression with a passion) and we very nearly proved that little adage wrong.

Oh, and I think this is a perfectly pertinent question to ask here - after all, you'll get both parents and those who don't want children answering won't you? Not every single post with the mention of children should have to go on BT.

WWS. I never look on BT so wouldn't have seen this.

I'm having my first baby hopefully some time this month at the age of 28. We've been together 7 years and married for 4. For us, we were fairly young when we got married, and wanted to have some time together first before having kids and also to have some financial stability as initially H was still finishing his training and we were very much reliant on my income. We also wanted to be able to go on some holidays of the sort that we wouldn't really be able to post children.

We started TTC after we'd been married a couple of years as that fitted in with all of that. As things turned out we had some fertility problems and so didn't conceive until some 18 months later. That extra time, whilst very hard, did mean though that we had a couple more nice trips away and did build up a good amount of savings

We dont all bug the 'doctor on call' day in day out you know! ? You'll only get (politely) asked to answer any questions *if* you get into that because you want to. In fact, most BT people have pretty regular contact with health professionals I think (well, compared to OT) so you're far more likely to get asked over here on OT about medical things. Well - maybe not, as it would mean people airing their sexual health questions ?

Anyway, I'm currently pregnant. I'm 33 and MrMG is 41. We started trying at 30 and 38, but (BT stuff here!) following miscarriage, 'issues' and IVF treatment - here we are, later than preferred.

We started trying because of our age really, and stage of careers. MrMG runs his own business and wouldn't be interrupted career wise by a baby. I'd reached a point where the next career push (internally) for me would have meant another move abroad. Didn't want to do that for relationship reasons, so I'd reached a bit of a lull. Nothing career wise that couldn't be pushedat after baby instead of before, really.

We'd only been together 8 months when we started trying, but not being spring chickens, and having been around the block we were pretty comfortable with where our relationship was going.

Regrets... well - *if* age has made a difference to our fertility, then I suppose it would have been nicer to have started sooner. But that would have been before we knew each other!

If I have any 'regret' it's that our child won't have that many years with their grandmother alive, and that we ourselves may not see our grandchildren born. I know that's all very very hypothetical! But I think it makes it more likely. I'm happy to be a mother in her 30s, but I would say being a grandmother in my 70s (potentially!) is not ideal, for me.

Gosh - I'm like some old harbinger of doom, I'll be mentioning biological clocks soon!

I suppose what I'm saying is that I am completely happy about when we chose to start trying, but in an ideal world, I'd have met MrMG 5 years earlier, and reached an appropriate place in my career then too! But I didn't, and it's not the end of the world.

Without trying to sound like a baby obsessed scary loon, having been through problems conceiving, I'm glad I didn't hang about beyind 30. I think that if you're a position where you want a family, and you want it with the partner you have, then it's as well to be careful that your reasons for waiting are clear and practical (e.g. no money!) than vague ones that could apply forever.

Sorry I'm waffling! How we decided:

• wanted a family
• decided we weren't getting any younger
• both felt that we had a strong relationship that gave us a good chance of providing a 2 parent home, important to us both
• decided there was nothing major we wanted to do before kids - or that couldn't still happen (life doesn't stop, or so I'm hoping!)
• made sure we could afford it
• went for it!
• lots of BT angst stuff
• expecting!

Thank you for your honesty Crantock.

I think that is exactly what I need to hear (even if I don't want to). Maybe some people do 'just cope' and unplanned pregnancies happen, but I guess if I'm looking at long term happiness for me, MrR-A and any potential babyR-As then it makes sense to start with the best possible odds, which probably means minimising stressors elsewhere as much as possible.

I can quite understand why R-A posted here. On the odd occasion I've had a look around BT and seen similar threads then the majority of posts seem to say "just do it!!!". And you're unlikely to get many responses from people there who say "I'd love kids now but I have to wait a few years for career/financial/whatever reasons".

However I can quite understand why some people may prefer that such questions were asked on BT.