Major Guest List Issues

Um, you could just do your own list and not ask your parents, it is your wedding after all. It's exactly what we did. Our parents had no input at all into our guest list, they never expected to.

I don't get this parents tell you who to invite thing, I really don't.

Any why would you invite people you've not met just because they're family? Again, I don't get it. Don't sacrifice your friends, they are important.

The problem I have with that is they are paying for it.

So a money contribution means they control your wedding? That's not how it works. I would rather not have the money.

Both sets of parents gave us money for our wedding, and not once did they tell us what to organise, maybe we were lucky.

Ask your parents for the list (know this is a bit backward now), but get them essentials, preferred day, and evening - then you make the final decision. Or tell them how many they have minus the friends you have.

You need to have your friends there - they have supported/been a part of your life as much/more than your family!! (IMO)

I tried that Sloth but they want everyone there for the whole thing, and even some of those will have to be cut out because even if we took out all of our friends, it still wouldn't be low enough.

We asked them for a number so we had something to work to, but we have to work it out ourselves and be reasonable apparantly.

Feel like just going to vegas!

Oh your post made me really sad I am so sorry for you that this is a stress. I take it your family are paying for the wedding hence having the say over who comes? Its very sad that your parents don't want you to share your day with a handful of friends and recognise the significance of this and instead are putting their own desires first. Could you and your H2B pay for those friends you want to invite yourselves? I'd be inclined to sit down and have a really calm chat with your mum if you can about how important this is to you. My OH and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and so aren't letting the parents have any say on the guest list but I understand how tricky this must be if you aren't paying.

I really, really, really hope you get this resolved in a way that keeps everyone genuinely happy.

Thanks Mrs D, i'm so tired of having the same argument all the time.

Unfortunately I can't just sit and have a calm chat with my mum as they live over 200 miles away (which doesn't help) I have thought about offering to pay for the extra and think we might end up suggesting that, but to be honest, it'd be a struggle for us as we are going to be paying for a lot of the other stuff.

Who is paying for the wedding? I think if your parents are paying then they do have a right to some input but ultimately it is still YOUR wedding and you have a right to have who you want there. It may be 'tradition' for the parents to do the inviting but almost no-one does that nowadays (as it stems back to the days when bride's parents would throw the entire party and pay for it all).

When you say 'the rest of [your mum]'s family', how close are we talking? Is she expecting you to invite her cousins, for example?

I would put my foot down if my parents had said my friends couldn't come. Do you have non-family bridesmaids? Could you maybe take off some children? Have you booked anywhere yet - I'm presuming you haven't made a concrete booking without even looking at the guestlist.

EDIT: ignore this, I clearly took too long writing my post!

I made the family guest list with the parents AFTER we had subtracted the places required for our friends. PILs made no issue, my parents did (asking for a handful of extras) BUT we were paying, so it was easy for us to set the rules.

I agree with above, just because your parents are contributing doesn't mean they dictate what happens, but it does mean you likely have to be open to compromise. But so do they. Personally, I appealed to the soft side of my parents to talk them around - I just want to have my perfect day, I want to be surrounded by people I know and love, not random wives i've never met...etc.

I had the same problem with my dad wanting to invite 10 of his friends when we are only inviting 45 to the wedding. We decided to pay ourselves so that we can have the day we want and just keep it small to save on costs.

This is EXACTLY what you need to say. It's YOUR wedding, not your parents'. It's one thing for them to ask for people to be invited, but not for them to demand. I would much rather have all friends and very little family at my wedding! Your friends are important to you, they have just as much right to be there as your family do and probably more right than some. There will be nobody at my wedding that I don't know, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Could you write her a letter? I think you need to try to tell her how this is making you feel without it turning into an argument. You don't want to regret this and resent her in the years that follow.

You need to express your feelings to your mum. i would hate ot be in your position.

not very nice of her to dictate who should be at your family. very kind of her to pay but not if it means YOUR friends aren't invited to YOUR wedding. HER friend sim sure were invited to HER wedding.

That is genuinely really unfair. You need to put your foot down and do it soon. I would say that I'd rather save the money myself and have who I want there, if it means my friends can come.

Why would family you've never met expect to go to your wedding anyway?

What are your options here?

1. Say to your parents "Enough". Be prepared for withdrawal of monetary support (likely? unlikely?) and hurt feelings. Pay for wedding yourself? Have a nicer wedding day with those you want there.

2. Bigger venue? Is that possible? Everyone happy, unless you have booked or have your heart set on somewhere already.

3. Concede to their wishes. Resent them for some time. Ongoing feeling that you could have been happier.

4. Vent here and feel better in yourself. Self-explanatory.

I had a minor fight with my Mum over people she wanted there. Never a shouty argument, more a battle of wills. I put up with the hurt looks, the suggestions that I was unfairly excluding people. You might have to grow a thick skin about a lot of your wedding plans, I did.

It is no way extreme for you to want 21 friends out of 110 guests; I find it remarkable that you phrased it as "asking for 21 friends to be there" - if that's how you feel, that's awful for you. It might be time to put the blinkers on - "my day, my way" isn't always right but I think it's reasonable to expect your wedding guests to include everyone you want, even if there are a few extras there who you weren't bothered about inviting.

It's not the size of the venue that's the problem, it's the cost. To start they never gave me a budget to work with, just told me to go and look at places, so I did and gave them costs. The place we like, they are saying is too expensive for that many people but they won't give us a number to get it down to. But to be honest, the most we can do it remove our friends. The OH's dad has removed some of his family, his mum only has a small family anyway and so that only leaves my side to cut some people, but as soon as I start cutting people from my side, it will cause issues and as i've already said before, i'm expected to cut the friends before the family. I had agreed that we could maybe cut some of them so if we did that then the max we would have is 12 (and 4 of them are because one of them is my bridesmaid and her family, one of the children would be free and the other at a reduced rate of like £12.95) So going from 21 to 12 I don't think is unreasonable either!

Don't give in on this! I had this with my mum yesterday 'oh you must invite so and so, they always make such an effort to come to things', I said 'they're on the reserve list but they're not at the top' and she said 'I really think you should prioritise them, we're only having 6 friends at the moment...' IT'S MY WEDDING THOUGH!!!

I think the problem is in our parents generation it was the case that the parents planned it and invited the people they wanted, so your parents feel like this is their chance to have the people they would have really liked at their own wedding. But you have to stand firm, you should be able to have your friends there! I would give the control completely to her and say 'you and dad can invite x number of people from your family and friends, you can choose who they are' and leave it there. Let her choose who to cut out from amongst her own guests.

It'll cost us about £1600 minimum to add the friends on that we want there. I'm not sure we can afford that as we are paying £850 towards the venue, plus my dress and bridesmaid dresses and the photographer and flowers any any other little extras :o( oh and the cake!

I agree with others and would say that as hard as it may seem, you have to be firm on this. I understand that they are paying for it, but it does not give them the right to dictate who you can and cannot have there. I would hate to be at my wedding with a lot of people I didn't know (or want) instead of having those there who I could really celebrate the day with. We had to do some cutting of OH's family and have ended up not inviting some of his cousins that he hasn't seen for years.

Speak to your mum again and explain how you really feel. If she doesn't back down, I would be tempted to save up the money myself and have it the way I want it.

So they arent even paying for the whole wedding yet are telling you who to invite?

I actually think FTLOMB gave you some good options. The risk is you just go with what your parents want and end up resentful. I find that you keep saying 'you asked' for friends to be there and you were 'expected' to cut down your guests really weird if I'm honest. I can't imagine from this that you will put your foot and down, but instead will just go with whatever they say. Keeping the peace is an easy option, but you won't have the wedding you want.

We haven't chosen it. They haven't left us with many options for the venue as they are either too far, too cheap or they just don't like them. The package we are looking at covers everything from drinks reception through to evening buffet as well and dj. We wouldn't need to pay for anything else apart from the things i have stated above.

I'm sorry, I know that your parents are paying for the venue but; they are not the ones getting married there - you are! Surely they would want you to be happy about where you are getting married??

Sorry , i might have confused things a little. We are getting married in a church, which the OH's parents have paid for. It's the wedding breakfast/evening do that my parents are paying for. The package covers absolutely everything we would need for this, even centrepieces for the tables. There is a charge for extra people in the evening, but there wouldn't be any extra (providing or friends could come to the day)

They haven't chose it as such, we've just been left with very few options and this is the best one, and we love it. If they told us we had to reduce the numbers to 60 to have the venue then we would happily do it, but obviously the issue with that is, the family members that they want there

I had this issue with my mam thinking she could invite who ever she wants including people me and oh don't even know!

Told her it was not on and she couldn't do that but she thought as she was contributing to the food that she could decide. After numerous talks she finally realised but not before I basically got so wound up about it I said we would cancel the lot and go abroad. It's sorted now I think you just need to discuss things with your parents and make them realise how important it is for your friends to be there!

Our argument in this case was that we see our friends a lot more than family and just because they a blood relative doesn't mean they have more right than anyone else does to be there. Hopefully you will sort it out

Ok few things...have you accounted for partners in your 21 friends? i only say this as we are having similar guestlist problems...ours was at around 100 with approx 12 people who don't have partners at the moment (some cousins, some friends, a sibling etc) now in 2 years time we are presuming that the majority of these WILL have partners and therefore we have to account for these on the guestlist bringing up to near enough 120 guests (far too many for our budget)

we have been trying to work it so that we have everyone we want there without upsetting people and the easiest solution for us has been for the ceremony and wedding breakfast (which will be a sit down 3 course and drinks) we will invite the following:

. 34 family members (this includes us, mums dads and siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins that we see and grandmas n grandads etc)

. 30 Family friends (these are people that have known us all our life and although they are mainly our parents 'friends' we would still want them there, this has been cut down as well!!)

. 10 of our friends (this includes 3 of OH's closest friends with their partners and 2 of my closest friends and their partners)

we figured with our friends it was all or nothing...there was noway that we could split the group in half and have say 10 of my friends but leave another 5/6 out and same with OH's especially when you conside partners!!

we are then inviting around 150/160 in the evening which will mean that everyone is still involved but unfortunatly funds mean we can't have everyone to all of it....

i don't think its fair for your mum to feel that because she is paying she gets to dictate your guestlist but try and remember that family and family friends that have known you all your life are more likely to stick around than mates (unless they are your closest)

Good Luck!! x

I'd be thanking the parents for their kind offer, but I would not be accepting it if it was going to cause so much hassle.

I would enjoy a smaller wedding paid for by myself with the freedom to do as I please much more than i would enjoy a lavish wedding with so many restrictions.

Well put.

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