Moving away from family

I moved about 50 miles away from my family when I was 18 to go to Uni. I was fine, never homesick, used to jump in the car and drive home whenever I wanted. I stayed in that city for seven years until I met my OH and moved again to the place he was born, where we've stayed. I'm now about 150 miles from my family. Being so far away is much, much harder than I ever envisaged.

OH's family is here and, although we are all civil, I don't really 'click' with them. I know this doesn't help you, but I'll be honest and say I'm finding it extremely hard to be so far away from my family. While I get on OK on a day-to-day basis, I am now getting worried about bringing up kids (we don't have any yet) so far away from my family. And the thought that my children may never have a close relationship with my parents and my siblings terrifies me.

It was a lot simpler when I was single, had no commitments and could just hop in the car to see my folks. I can't do that now and it is pretty horrid when you are feeling down and just want a chat with a member of your family.

Job prospects are one thing, but your emotional happiness is much more important. Sorry to be so negative ☹️

I don't know the answer to this because I am in a similar position to yourself. H and I are moving to Sydney in a few months time - he's had a job offer that was too good to refuse too and we will be leaving everyone here in the UK. I guess the difference is the mileage - 350 miles for you and 12,000 for us! ? It is extremely unlikely that I will be able to get back here for the first 12 months at least as the cost of flights/accommodation/hire car will be a bit prohibitive so I'm struggling to get my head around not seeing anybody I love for quite some time.

As I said, I just don't know the answer. I've tried to rationalise it by offering myself a choice - be with my H in a foreign country, thousands of miles from home OR be without him. Because that's what it would boil down to. And I know I can't live without him so anything has to be better than being on my own. A mad/strange way of looking at it but it helped me.

I've just moved back to my home town having spent the last 7 years living 220 miles away and the four years before that approx 100 miles away whilst at uni. That first four years wasn't so bad. I'd always felt rather suffocated by my Dad and, realistically, it was an hour and a half on the motorway and you could go and come back in a day if you felt so inclined.

After the move to London though it became increasingly hard being so far away from family, and when I got the phone call last summer to say Dad's health had deteriorated and I needed to get up there right away, it felt like 2000 miles. It took almost 6 hours to get back that day and he died that same night. I feel awful saying this, but I resent my sister a little because she only lived 5 minutes away so spent a lot more time with him in his last few weeks. She was there from midday on the day he died and got so much more time with him.

It was only a month after Dad died that H and I made the decision to leave London and move back north. I've actually taken a backwards step career-wise to be able to make the move, but the time comes when some things are more important. For us, family is more important now.

We live 150 miles (3hrs) away from my Mum & youngest 2 brothers, and my sister (who I'm really close to) has just moved to Portugal ☹️

However, we get by. We prioritise seeing family - Mum comes to stay with us at least once a month (yes it's cosy, but whatever) & we tend to have the boys for the weekend at least once a month too. Next week we're going out to the Algarve to stay with my sister. I speak to them all on the phone all the time. Everyone says we are a really close family (and god knows I witter on here about them all the time ?) although ever since I went to Uni at 18 I have seen my Mum on average once/week as we were never geographically close enough to do more often.

However, in our case it's others who have moved away so we don't have any guilt etc. I do hope my Mum can afford to move closer when we have kids, but if not she is looking forward to being grannie in the country who they go and stay with for half term/holidays etc, whilst MiL is more local. Either way there is no chance of my kids growing up not being close to my family - there's no way that will happen.

You have to want to be where you live though, a job is not enough imho, unless it's totally amazing. If we were unhappy where we are, I might find it more of an issue. I would say also, it does seem only fair for your H to be closer to his family.

Edited because the distance from London to NE Lincs suddenly doubled accidentally!

350 miles would be fine for us- I love my parents dearly but am happy to see them every month or so and to speak on the phone a couple of times a week.

How does your husband feel about moving closer to his family? Also, how do you feel about the area generally?

In your shoes, I'd take the fact that you were so upset leaving hom as a positive thing- presumably you're now happy to be where you are? Things often seem frightening before you do them but can that doesn;t mean they're bad ideas or doomed to failure.

We live 150 miles away from both our families (they live very close to each other). I moved to be with MrSC. I love where I live but I do sometimes feel like I'm missing out on stuff like going round for tea when MrSC is out, going to the cinema with my mum or shopping together - just normal stuff IYKWIM? We see the families probably every couple of months, it could be more if we tried a bit harder too. I've told MrSC that the only move I would be willing to be make would be to be nearer them, not further away - it already takes 2.5 hours to get there which is quite enough.

Now we're having a baby I think I'll feel it more to be honest as obviously they won't be around all the time, no grandparent baby sitting sessions etc.

Really it's only you that can make the decision - it's a difficult time for work so obviously your husband needs to take opportunities that come up. However if you really don't feel you would be able to make the move then you need to talk to him about it now before he gets any further down the path.

My family are down south in Essex. I went to uni at Warwick, which was about 100 miles away. I was a bit homesick at first but got used to it, and it wasn't too far away so could go home for weekends when I wanted. After uni, I moved to Manchester with OH. I'm close to my um so it's hard being so far away, but I'm used to it now. I don't get to go home all that often because I work shifts so don't always have weekends off. I probably go home about twice a year for a week at a time, I'll always make the effort over Christmas (although it's hard getting Christmas off, sometimes it has to be early january instead.)

This thread has made me feel a bit glum. I've lived 100 miles away from my family for 10 years, leaving Blackpool for Sheffield. I hardly see them, for a variety of reasons. When I was a student, I had to work part-time every weekend, and couldn't get back for holidays as my mum moved and I no longer had a room. Now, I don't like going back. If I go to see my mum, I have to see my Dad, which is a PITA. Dad and OH don't get on, which makes things difficult. It's difficult to find a convenient weekend to see my mum. Her partner has dialyses every weekend, so is often ill or tired. Mum works away a lot (she takes on too much/makes her life unnecessarily difficult), brother works in a pub so is tied up weekend evenings. If I do get to go over, I find it quite stressful - mum's house is a tip, and the three of them row like mad, which drives me potty. She has an anti-social neighbour who plays music til all hours so I don't sleep. OH gets even more stressed by it, and I spend the time worrying about how *he* will react! I know I could go to visit my family without him, but I get a bit of pressure at home too.

This year, I have only seen my mum once on my birthday in March, when I went over. I saw my Dad at Christmas, when I went over (he buggered off for a weekend away when it was my birthday, even though I was meant to be seeing him). My mum visits me once a year tops, although she and her OH visit his family about 5 times a year and they live in f*cking East Anglia. In the past 10 years, my dad has been to see me once. Actually, for 18 months, I only lived 50 miles away - still the same paucity of visits on their respective parts.

Sorry - this has turned into an 'about me' vent! To the OP - I know it seems like forever away, but having a strong relationship will keep the ties nice and strong. I hope things work out

Like CBH, we are 12000miles away from family.

It has been hard at times, esp since we had our little daughter. Although friends offer to baysit, you never like to ask too often. 350 miles sounds blissful in comparison. At least with that sort of distance you can drive to see family for a weekend, so hopefully you will find it Ok to relocate.

I simply could not do it. I am very close to my family and I can just about handling my little brother and his kids living 20 miles away. I'd love it if they could live round the corner but that's not how things have worked out.

When I met Mr G he lived in Kendal, in Cumbria. I made it clear to him from the very start that I would not move away from Birmingham. He had to make that choice before we 'got close' and he knows there would be no point asking me to back down on it. That said, job prospects for both of us are good in this city; I teach in a school I like and am happy to remain at and there are lots of compnaies in his line of work locally.

How difficult is the trip between proposed location and family?

It's just that there's 350 easy miles and 350 hard miles - both from the point of view of driving and from if you need public transport.

I mean, technically when we left London for Gloucestershire we were further from PIL on South Coast and nearer to my folks in Aberdeen but the reality is time to visit PILs is the same and instead of an easy flight or an easy direct/one change train journey it's much more expensive to fly and train takes 3 changes...

We live about 80 miles from both sets of parents. To be honest I love it. Far enough away to get independance etc.. but close enough to get to fairly quickly if we need to. I find we spend much more quality time with both sets of parents now we live further away as when we go back home we purposefully do things with them rather than just seeing them for the sake of it because they are close (iyswim).

Obviously 80 miles it a lot less than 350 miles though. You do really need to think about it, as in a new area you need to be confident that you will be able to find a support network. Can you have a look at the new area to see if there are groups you can join?

Thanks for all the replies.

H would be happy to be moving back to near his family, although he did originally tell me (4 yrs ago) that he was happy to get away from where he lived as it was dull. However, on a recent trip he decided it would be better for Samuel (our wee boy) to grow up there instead of here. I saw his point with regards to the areas, but we have a bigger family network here.

The 350 miles is easy miles, in that it is a straight motorway drive down. It can be done in 6 hours, it recently took us 8 hrs as we stopped more often due to having baby with us.

We would be moving from Falkirk to Cheltenham, so it would be a big difference area wise in my opinion. However, days after having Samuel we were looking into trying to move closer to my family (Edinburgh) as I was feeling so alone and really needed my family. I like my inlaws, but after a few days of visiting them or them us I am glad to send them home

I also worry about how I would deal with getting a phone call to say someone in my family is ill and having to drive up.

I just know that if he gets it and we do move I will miss my family so much; I worry I would just pack up me and Samuel and leave whilst H is at work. H has said we won't go if I can't leave my family, but really H and Samuel are my family and if H getting this job is good for us then surely I have to go??

Ahh to be young, free and single again with no worries!

Cx

I did it in May and am still struggling. I moved from Kent to Nottingham so only 200 miles but I am terribly home sick. I moved with my daughter who's 5 to live with my man. His family are here and I adore them and get on really well with them. I was made redundant from my job in January which helped in making my decision to make the move as the job I had was very flexible around my daughter and school. Although I was extremely close to my family they all worked full time so were unable to help as much as they'd have liked.

My 'new family' are much more readily available for child care and having my partner here helps too.

So all in all a good move for financial reasons but I feel awfully guilty for taking my daughter away from her Dad though I do make sure I take her down there so she sees him once a month (though he's not bothered coming to see her) and I feel bad for my mum as she has lost the closeness with her first grandchild. But I am determined to keep a regular contact and we speak on the phone every day.

I work days and my man works nights so we don't spend huge amounts of time together and that's hard. I drop my daughter at school and run off to work so don't have time to get in with the 'gate mum' at the school and I work in a contact centre so don't really get to talk to colleagues. It's hard building friendships and having been really popular where I was this has hit me quite hard and knocked my confidence.

I feel very lonely and lost but I guess with time that will go as I adjust.

Gosh, that went on a bit. I'm not trying to put you off, just let you know from my point of view how it is but circumstances are different for everyone.

Good luck x