Mums - is this what you used to think before kids?

I can only speak from my own experience, but take with a huge pinch of salt anyone who says motherhood changes your character and make you not like / worry about things like you used to. You are just the same person, with all the same foibles, strengths and weaknesses but more responsibility ?

Kids are wonderful and times and I love mine very much, but they are very hard work and a lot of responsibility. I am 13 years in now, almost and could do with a break from it TBH ?

I found that the urge to have a baby hit me like a baseball bat in the face when I was 30. I got pregnant about a year later and, since having the baby (4 years ago) I have felt nothing like it since.

HTH

I was exactly the same as you at your age - I turned 30 and started thinking more and more that I would like children.

I turned 32 yesterday and am expecting my first child in 5 weeks.

OH would have been happy to have them earlier and he was always the one to play with other peoples children/cuddle their babies etc. TBH, I still don't rush to do that as much as him but I can't wait for our baby to be born.

Equally, I have a friend in her 40s that loves children, just never felt the urge to have them herself. I doesn't make it wrong, its just whatever suits you and your OH.

Not sure this makes any kind of sense or is any help at all!

I'm a mum of a toddler and no. 2 is on the way and I used to swear blind I never wanted kids, for most of the same reasons you've put in your post. I think the turning point for me was meeting my H who I *just knew* I wanted to be the father of my children, but at 28 neither of us was ready, it took another couple of years for the time to be right.

Yes you do lose the spontaneity to go out whenever you want, but having kids opens up a whole new social life of baby groups and coffee mornings, baby massage and swimming. OK so you aren't having nice meals and spending evenings drinking cocktails, but hey, no hangovers! We've still managed 3 festivals, one when the first was only 3 months old and we're planning on taking them both to a festival this summer - it can be done!

career wise we have both done quite well and actually advanced our careers 'despite' having kids. I've just secured a new job that I'm going to start after maternity leave - the pregnancy didn't seem to affect my prospects at all.

Other people's kids are never going to compare to your own. With other people's kids, especially babies, you never really see the best side of them, honestly it's completely different seeing that look of pure love that only mummies and daddies get from their kids.

And pregnancy, well, you can be lucky or unlucky, I've been lucky and had no health problems and 2 easy pregnancies. People always seem to want to talk about the downside but it can really be not that bad, and it only lasts nine months.

It's a hard decision to make, no doubt, but I'm really glad I decided to have kids.

I often wonder if I hadn't had my son when I did if I would ever have children. I think I probably would, but I cant be sure because I never had what you had (was a young mum), so I can only speculate.

What I would say is that often (very often!) I find myself wishing my life away, as in, 'another x years and I'll be able to do Y'... so the idea that you stop wanting things for yourself once you're a mum is wrong - you just need to be a bit more patient I suppose. But again thats probably more to do with my own circs.

I love being a mum but I dont think it defines me even though I cant really remember a time when I wasn't a mum - that probably doesn't make much sense tbh!

And the other peoples children thing.....wouldn't worry to much about that, OPC can be hard work ?

Maybe for you, the thunderbolt wont happen, maybe you'll simply make an informed decision one way or the other. But all your fears and worries are completely normal and valid.

I'm not a mum and won't ever be either, but I can see where you're coming from Annie. I'm 36 this year and Mr WT will be 38, neither of us want children and love our lives as they are, children just don't feature in our future. I totally understand your worries though, however from the non-mum camp my advice is this, Don't feel like you have to conform to any stereotype and make your decisions because its what you want to do, when you feel you're ready to (or not as the case may be).

Don't feel pressured either way even though that's easy for me to say!

Take care my lovely x

I felt the same until I was 35 when all of a sudden I felt an uncontrollable urge to have a family. I actually wasn't bothered about the baby bit, just wanted children. I'd have happily adopted a couple of 5 year olds. The minute my son was born I felt instantly, head over heels in love with him and I am constantly surprised by how unconditional this is- i.e. he can irritate the life out of me but will look at me in a certain way and he's instantly forgiven. I'm expecting our second in July and can't wait.

Bingy's right about the social life too- I was a regular in the pub after work and my social life was very important to me, but now I have different priorities and it's just not as important anymore. I get real pleasure from taking my son to the park or an animal farm and would choose that over spending Saturday drinking with friends any day. I never thought I'd say that, so it just shows how you can change!

Christ, I still feel like this and have 2 kids - 1 of which is a teenager ?

Having kids is scary, they do restrict what you can or can't do however it can also be great fun too. So for example, last week I booked to go on holiday and we leave next week (whilst my husband is away on a business trip ?) As for buying stuff, I love buying stuff for my kids - if there's ever an excuse to shop then that's it. It's brill picking up shirts/t-shirts etc and thinking they'll look cute in them. As weird as it sounds I love buying for them far more than buying for me.... but then I'm not great at buying for me anyway.

Giving up work is a buggar - For example, H really wants another one and I mean REALLY wants another, but I'm not prepared to give up work at the moment. Having said that, when i was on mat leave last time, although as the time approached I resented the thought of giving up, I equally resented the thought of coming back to work when I did get back. I found it bloody tough coming back and if I had the chance to not do, I think I would have taken that chance for a while longer. But now I'm back in the system, like I said, I can't give it up again.

As for kids running round etc, that annoys the hell out me. We go out regularly with a couple who let their kids run around in pubs and restaurants, whereas we pretty much sit on ours and it winds us up tremendously. Other people's kids are cute but equally aren't and don't evoke emotions other than bleugh if they spit up, stink, are snotty or messy. Just because I'm a Mum myself doesn't mean to say I all of a sudden tolerate things in other kids which I've always hated - it just doesn't work that way! There isn't a magic switch.

As for being pregnant, if I could have a baby without being pregnant, I probably would do. The idea of a life growing within me kind of freaks me out but then when I was pregnant, it was lovely. So if you're neurotic, what the hell does that make me - a freaked out loon who loved being pregnant at the time but hates the thought of being pregnant ?

I've painted a bit of a bleak picture there I think, but what I'm trying to say is when you become a Mum, although some things might change (so for example for us, whereas we loved going out every Saturday night, we much prefer to stay in with the family) other things don't change. I am a mother, and actually I am a bloody good mother. I do have maternal feelings towards my own kids and my kids mean the absolute world to me. I AM sympathetic towards other Mum's but also I think I'm a bit of a *** with regards to my private judgement sometimes.... but that is just my private judgement (I don't make my feelings known etc) but then that's no different to anybody else, mother or not.

I guess, at the end of the day, you'll know when you're readyish but I don't think you'll ever know or feel 100% ready. Don't worry and don't rush into things, that's my advice for what it's worth.

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself, everyone asks themselves these question and has these fears at some point. None of us really knows if we're 'motherhood material' and there is no such thing as the perfect parent.

And you most certainly do not have to give up who you are, your core being. Come Friday I'm off on an all day movie bender. I work, I have a laugh with H, I have a laugh with Wee Braw. It's not all snot and screaming tantrums. Unless they're OPC in which case it is because that's the only snippet of them you might experience. ?

Neither of my two bils and wives have children. They love children but didn't want their own. Neither choice is right or wrong.

If you were to choose to have children then I can tell you now that you are motherhood material because you care enough to even be asking these questions of yourself beforehand.***

x

***That's not to say that those who have unplanned children aren't motherhood material - I think you all know what I mean.

Oh wow, thanks for all the replies, particularly the last bit in BWC's post - thankyou!

I guess I am enjoying life too much (although I am by no means a party animal - I dont drink either), I just like the freedom and lack of responsibility for anyone but myself (and H, sometimes ?). So yes, maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. Friends of mine are already having babies or planning for them, and my best friend is now baby obsesed so I almost feel like if I can't beat 'em, join 'em. I suppose the best thing to do is wait and give it some time, right?

I could have written your post almost word for word, AB, if it helps in some small way.

Aw thanks Nonie, thats so sweet. I think I agree with you on the thought of having someone to pass on passion to, thats a good point.

Does the fact that adoption appeals more to me say anything? I come from South America and adopting a child from there would be an amazing thing...

FWIW, I wanted to adopt and seriously considered never having biological children. Over-population is a big issue on top of so many children being desperate for a good home. We just weren't in a position to adopt, eligibility wise but it's still a big consideration with us for the future.

x

The thought of not having children never crossed my mind - from about the age of 11 my adult life always included having a large number of children - 4 at least

i waited until i thought my life was stable enough emotionally and financially to have a child - but both of those aspects got rocked completely once i was pregnant with my first - it wasnt at all what i expected - however my husband was adament about not having an only so i had another 2 years later - since then i have been hit badly by the broody bug and have a number 3 now and would carry on and on - but he says no

motherhood is not what i expected - i havent changed that much - i have probably become more selfish and jealous of a bit of personal space - but as they get older i find myself doing so many things that i didnt do when i was without children - i could have done those things but i push myself a bit more because of them

it may be wrong but i also sometimes fantasise about what it would have been like to not have any children and two disposable incomes and a life of indulgence, travel etc - i cant say one or the other would be better - just different - i think i could have been happy either way - except i was absolutely compelled to have a child

as with so many things in life it is as good as you can make it - there is definitely an element of tedium about the whole thing - you can choose to skip lunch - not bother with x, y and z but if someone else needs you to do it for them you dont have a choice - roll on the nannies and cleaning ladies when i win the lottery

but i dont think you have to have a burning desire to have children to be a good mother - my desire burnt me to a crisp - but i dont think i am as good a mother as some people i know who debated the whole thing a lot more than me

I am glad that you're thinking and exploring this before you make your decision. I put a lot of time and effort into taking my decision to not have children but often I feel people just don't think it all through enough before they leap in.

Having children because everyone else is having them isn't a great reason in my opinion (but I do realise you're joking here - at least I hope so!). Choosing to not have children is not a selfish decision either. Taking your time and talking things through with your husband and friends and family (as they have a lot of experience to share) is the way I'd go - it's pretty much what I did to get to where I am now.

Absolutely what Janey said. Word for word that is me (except I only have 2 kids)

My experience was pretty much the same as yours. I didn't have babies because I wanted babies (I've never been too keen on babies - a bit too smelly for me), but because I wanted grown up children. I see how much joy my parents and PIL get from their grown up children having successful lives and children of our own, and I wanted that. All this baby and kiddie business is just a means to an end. I couldn't imagine being retired and not having a family.

I am in no way maternal, I never felt broody, but I love my children with an incredible ferocity. They're f&cking hard work a lot of the time, but I don't *think* I'd send them back ?

You will change, not as you are as a person so much, but more how you live. But that's only to be expected - I'm sure you lived differently when you were single, before you had a job etc. And anything that's important to you, you'll find a way to do it. H and I are taking our 2 to Glastonbury this year, as we did last year (caveat - we live quite close, so don't camp - we come home every night). However, I can't pretend I don't miss my old life - it was wicked, I worked in the film business, went to premieres and met film stars, had my name on the credits - super glam. But I've done it now, and I'll always have those great memories, so I'm pretty content with having left it all behind now we've moved out of London.

I won't say you'll just "know" when you're ready. I didn't. I just didn't want to wait until I got the feeling in case I never got it. But some people really get beaten by the broody stick, so that may well happen too. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts.

No of course we wouldnt have kids just cos others are having them ? hat I meant was, I feel sometimes like I have nothing to talk to with my friend if its not baby related, and I fear the same would happen with all my other friends, iyswim?

Carrie where are you based? I live fairly near Glasto too! Its good to hear not everyone is a victim of the broody stick - but if you weren't how did you decide to ttc? I think I could only go through with it if I was "burning with desire" for it ? - which may never happen?

I felt exactly as you describe. I must have given other people that impression too - I remember my uni friends saying that they thought I'd be like Edwina from Ab Fab as a parent! When I was pregnant someone brought a new baby into the office and I still ran a mile and wouldn't touch it. Now I have a 16 month old and am (I hope) a pretty child centred parent - I mostly love being a parent (though I work too and I'd go insane without it). I still don't get excited about other people's babies though - I enjoy being around close friends' children but am still a bit clueless with any child either much younger or older than mine.

Oh, and I never was desperate to have children - it was a practicality thing in terms of timing. We're trying for a second and again it's practicality - we'd like two and want to get it out of the way so it doesn't screw up my career too much and so we don't get too used to life with sleep before it goes tits up again (16 months of a nonsleeping child and not sleeping in the same bed as your husband is quite tiring). I do sound like Edwina, don't I? I'm not, honest - I'm a lovely mummy really.

We're in the Chew Valley - you're near Bath, is that right?

It may meet with much disapproval, but we got married at 28, a year later decided to start TTC as "that's what married people do, innit?". Thing 1 was born when I was 30, thing 2 when I was 32. Flippant remarks aside, it just seemed to be the right time - we had a big enough house, good careers, had travelled extensively, secure finances - there didn't seem to be a need to wait any longer, and I guess at the back of my mind was that ttc isn't always a straightforward matter.

And meant to say about the worrying - it may not be the same for you, but I used to suffer mildly from panic attacks and IBS through stress, which both completely disappeared when Thing 1 came along, and hasn't been back since. It's almost as though I've got so much to think about now, that the stress washes over me a lot more.

I always knew I wanted children (althouhg, as someone else said, that means children not babies particularly) even though I generally found other people's either made me uncomfortable or annoyed/bored me. We just sort of got on with it, TBH, and I was 29 when I had my first, 31 my second. While I certainly wouldn't change any decisions I made (as doing so would mean I didn't have my lovely children), I think I would advise anyone in two minds not to rush things- it is a massive commitment and responsibility which changes your life in lots of ways, so if you're enjoying life as it is I wouldn't rush to have kids just to be doing the next thing. On the other hand, I wouldn't feel desperate broodiness is a pre-requisite; I never felt that (or at least, not until I started TTC).

I'm still not sure I'm maternal and I certainly don't like other people's children (Bristol hitchers children excepted ?. Mine is quite cool, though I fully accept that other people might not see the attraction ?

Like Carrie said, I never really wanted to have a baby but I did come to a point where I wanted us to be a family. I wanted to have older children and be more than just us two.

I don't think I've changed in my core being - I guess I've had to develop some more patience and tolerance, though I'm still not great at it. Yes, life runs to a slightly different beat these days but it's not been a painful process to change it. It's just happened, in the same way that when you get into a relationship, life changes a bit.

That's not to say there aren't emotional challenges to becoming a mother - it has been a journey.

But there's no rush on any of this - you've got time. Don't stress too much about it yet. You might get struck with teh broody stick, you might not, but you've got time to see what happens.

As others have said I have always wanted a family and at 32 thought I might as well get on with it. ? I never felt particularly broody and I was very worried about giving up the fab, fun life I had.

If I'm honest I still find the lack of social life difficult (personally I would much rather spend the day drinking with my friends than go to the city farm - baaaad mother ?) but Tom has brought immeasurable joy, not just to my life but to the lives of our family and friends.

Plus, I had a bloody good run at it, I was out pretty much every night from the ages of 14 - 32 so something had to give eventually. ?

I always saw myself with a family one day but never with a baby. If that makes sense.

I certainly have not had any overwhelming urges to get on with having a baby. I am now pregnant and feel quite detached about it at the moment. Agewise it was getting to the now or never stage - if I'd waited until I had a desperate urge for a baby/was mentally/physically/financially ready it would never have happened......don't get me wrong I have moments of feeling pleased and excited but the 'joy' of it all that some pregnant mothers talk about has so far eluded me.

I didn't like kids AT ALL when I didn't have any. Then I fell pregnant unexpectedly at 33. After that, I morphed into this sort of earth mother .... I absolutely fell in love with Camperkid when he was born and I did with Camperbub when she came along too.

Both of them can irritate the hell out of me, but they're precious to me. I can't wait until Camperbub is of an age where I can afford to take them both on holiday abroad. We do go out and about, but sometimes it's hard work with just me taking care of them....

Thanks all for your thoughts, I really appreciate your honesty. its good to know that the broodiness doesn't have to happen, but that also makes things difficult!

Campergirl - ?

I didn't see the point of children at all until I got pregnant unexpectedly with no1 son. But then I was only 19 and definitely didn't meet the criteria of "thinking it through enough" - so shoot me ?

I adore my children, and I'm reasonably fond of the children of other people who I know and like. I don't think having children turns you into some goo-brained automatic baby lover necessarily. I'm still as intolerant of ill-behaved children as I ever was.

I feel much similar to you, although I have endometriosis not PCOS. I'm not bothering having any ? Works for me. They're not compulsory.

I'm another one who has never had a burning desire for a baby, which is pretty ironic considering we're having IVF at the mo'. i'm glad other people have said they're not baby people either as i was thinking i was some sort of unwomanly freak. ?

other people's babies leave me cold...yes, they're cute and all but i don't hold one and feel my uterus quiver. ? and i see other people on BT talking about their desperation for a baby and heartbreak each month when it doesn't happen and can't quite relate.

however i do love children and teenagers, and get envious when i see my friends and complete strangers taking their kids to the park or out on day trips. i get so envious at times i make myself feel physically sick, both due to the feelings and disgust at myself for being so mean spirited.

i would have been quite happy to consider adoption, both for the older child thing, and my dispair at the thought of all those children in care, becoming unwanted teenagers, and the bleak life they face. but mr c really wanted us to try for our own first. and i love him more than myself so i am giving it a shot.

i just hope if we do get a baby my maternal gene will appear from somewhere. it must be there somewhere, albeit very deeply hidden ?

Oh KTC - thanks for your thoughts - I hope the baby fairies bring you the baby you want very soon ?

Being honest. I hated babies and children before having my own. Only ever held a cousin as a baby. Never changed a nappy until my 1st was born etc. Never knew how to talk to young children etc.

When i met and married my husband we both really wanted them. Call it a natural desire or whatever, it was a feeling i couldn't discrib, i just ached to be a Mother.

I was and still am very over weight. I was the exception to the rule i guess as i got pg very easyily and i had no problems during my pregnancies. Only after, PND etc. But i seriously think past mental health is a big factor in my case.

The rush of love i had for my children was shocking. I am very maternal now, never thought i would be at all. I have big faults in that i can loose my cool very quickly and i can be rather strict with them. But my OH balances that out.

But i do love Peppa Pig. Maybe that gives away my mentality ?

Hi AnnaBanna,

Being the same age as you and pobably around the stage in life - married and with a career that is going well I understand where you are at. I totally agree with everything that you say and have the same fears. My H has wanted kids for ages and everyone keeps telling us that we will be briiliant parents (how anyone can know that I don't know).

However, I have finally made the decision with my H that we will start ttc next month and I am more petrified than ever. Go from being scared that I won't get pregnant due to problems many years ago to what happens if I do get pregnant, will i miscarry, what happens if there is somwthing wrong with baby, will I cope woth pregnancy and how will I cope with a baby particulary with my OH job, will I lose out on opportunities in my career. I have decided to go with the flow and see what happens, I obsess about everything so this isn't any difference and what will be will be.

Enjoy your life and when the right time comes along I hope that you can make the decision that is right for you.