My OH is threatening to kill himself.

Is he under a local mental health team - is there an on duty social worker you could call?

Sorry, pressed post too soon. You have done what is necessary - you are not responsible for how he is feeling or what is going on. Of course you're going to worry but there is no need for you to feel guilty. The police will do a welfare check as soon as they can. If he is known to a MH team then the call to duty social worker may help but not necessarily - generally more appropriate if he becomes sectionable.

? Hoping all goes as best it can.

Oh god, I don't know what to say but I hope he gets the treatment he obviously needs, even if it's someone to talk to! It shouldn't be your responsibility and he's a bit unfair to get you so involved (as it were).

?

She said it's the first time he's ever done this, so it may have been brewing for a while?

? It's not your fault and it's not your problem really, but obviously you want to do all you can. Is there a mutual friend you could ring? Has he been to AA meetings at all? Could you get in touch with someone there?

Oh god, what a mess.

Has he had input from mental health professionals before?

Are you concerned he might really do it?

If you are convinced - do you think ambulance is the way forward?

No he's not 'looked' after by anyone as such other than his GP. He was attending a rehabilitation service a couple of years ago but decided that he didn't need their help. He's been to AA and dismissed that. He thinks that he can quit the booze on his own with my help. He seems to always manage to give people/organisations the slip. The lady I spoke to was very nice and said they would send a unit round with an ambulance just in case and that someone would probably also come to me. It's like waiting for a kettle to boil it's awful.

Totally awful. We're here and you've done exactly the right thing. ? It's not your job to help him; it's your job to look after yourself and your children.

It sounds like you have done as much (if not more) than you have to do. Is there any risk this is mind games with you?

Deep down I know it's not my fault and I am hoping that this is a cry for help. The only very old contact I ever had for him at AA has moved overseas, he doesn't think AA is for him. It all just seems such a mess whilst I don't want to be with him I don't want him dead or for my kids to grown up without their father whatever he is.

KJX I think that that is exactly what it is, but really can't take the risk. If his parents were there I think I'd be less worried but he's on his own for how long I don't know. I think he's trying to emotionally blackmail me into taking him back. I have told him that it won't work and if anything will make me even more determined to leave him. I feel like I live in a soap opera.

Don't feel any guilt.

You've done what you can.

It sounds to me like your ex may be attempting emotional blackmail, which is a cunts trick. You made the call, you were right.

Help.... Do nowt more.

It'll be fine,

Thank you, I called about 10 if anything awful had happened I'd have heard by now. Instead I'm cold and tired and waiting for one of the kids to wake and a knock on the door that may never come.

I am off to bed and thank you again for reining it back in for me. ?

Oh you poor thing, what an awful thing for you to be going through.

You have done the right thing

If he does intend to follow through- then you have sent help to him.

If he is indeed playing mind games, then what you have done will show him the consequences of his actions, he will see what his mind games/ drinking has caused.

Sometimes it's hard, but we need to protect ourselves and that is what you have done, none of this is your fault.

xxx

Night night.

He's fine.

To bed with you now......

I've seen your posts before about this, and think you're brilliant. Can't offer any help other than my admiration at how you handle stuff. x x

Just to reiterate what the others have said - you are in no way responsible. You have done everything you could possibly do.

In my experience, which I'm sad to say is vast, the ones who tell you they are going to do it, tend not to. It sounds very much a case of 'you will pay attention to me' syndrome.

I once had to ring the police and send them to a grave (I was very specific - even describing the shrubbage ?), in a graveyard, where my ex was supposedly dying by his own hand. He wasn't. Frightened the shit out of me. Let him know I gave a crap.

?

Well had the phone call from the police just as I was going to bed and really I'm even more furious and determined to leave him now. They found him safe at his mothers asleep, seemed a little drunk but hadn't taken anything!!

I then get a text from him demanding to know what I'm doing. Feel very foolish for calling them but it could have been a very different story and I've never had to deal with anything like this before.

Eric my soon to be ex BIL said pretty much the same. He is divorcing my SIL for very similar reasons. I think I will carry out my threat of getting the locks changed today and as my BIL said by calling the police I can bring it up later in court should I need to. Grr why do things/ people have to be so difficult sometimes.

Again thanks all and I hope I won't be posting anything like this again! ❤️

Glad top hear it was a false alarm.

You've obviously taken very right , grown up but scary steps lately.

Glad to hear it was a false alarm ? and hope you're OK this morning.

My ex did this to me quite a few times - it terrified the crap out of me. it's the lowest of low tricks - I can't even begin to think where your head would be to think pulling a stunt like this will ever achieve a result - a result other than "threatening to kill myself keeps her in a state of guilt and confusion and maybe then she'll have me back because she feels sorry for me/is scared that I'll actually do it". Which is just really sad, isn't it?

Don't let yourself be manipulated into feeling the guilt - it's his life, and what he makes of it is his choice. Have compassion, which you obviously do, but keep your distance.

PUP I am ok, I'm just really f**king cross and getting crosser now. He's demanding to know what I was thinking calling the police and still telling me he wants to see the children one more time before he 'does it'.

I think this might be his rock bottom or rather I can only hope it is, I also can't begin to imagine what goes through someone's mind to behave like this.

Gosh, how awful for you, but I'm glad it turned out to be just him messing with your head - not allowable at all, but better than the alternative.

I just wanted to also say that yes, generally, it does seem that the ones who use 'I'm going to kill myself' are playing mind games, rather than have a deep intention to do so. My ex ended up in hospital three times after we split, and each time the first I knew of it was when he was already being treated (once for encouraging someone to beat him to a pulp, giving him a brain injury, once for a cutting an artery in his foot with broken glass, and the last time for starving himself to the point of organ failure).

I hope this has been a wakeup call for him and he realises that his actions do have consequences.

What a horrid situation for you.

He does sound quite desperate and i just wanted to mention that emotional blackmail is not always a concious thing, i mean he may not be thinking "ill worry her by telling her by insinuating i will do myself in unless she does what i want"

Of, course, it could be a concious thing too.

You have done all you can. As some others said earlier, you are not repsonsible for the thoughts and actions of others, only your own.

?

I think he's absolutely desperate, he's telling me this morning he's got nothing left. I don't think he really knows what he's doing at the moment to be honest.

To be honest being really harsh I don't want his death on my conscious but will not take him back just to avoid it. His mother already blames his depression and alcoholism on me I'm sure she wouldn't bat an eyelid at blaming me for anything else that might happen.

I don't know what to do anymore. I try to keep telling him he's got his kids other than that I can't see what else I can do.

Again, by not reacting to his threats or demands does not make you responsible for his actions if any. You can not control what anyone else does or thinks, he is the responsible one, ill or not. You have been very responsible by contacting the police and by looking after yourself and children, that really is all yu can and should have to do.

It sounds harsh maybe, but he has to help himself by taking support already offered to him. If you changed your tack and gave in to whatever his demands are even though it is against what you want, then that still would not necessarily change his behaviour, therefore, would not ultimately help him.

does that make sense?

You sound very strong.

It makes absolute sense I know that to a degree I've been enabling his drinking and behaviour for a long time. This time I have to step back and let him get on with whatever he is going to do and deal with the consequences whatever they may be. FWIW I don't think he'll go through with it but you never really know so fingers crossed he has more respect for himself than that somewhere deep down within him.

You are right, you don't know whether he will act on his threats, but that is his look out. It sounds like you have tried very hard to support him previously, but when enoughs enough it is ok to take a step back and leave him to deal with it.

It sounds so easy when you say this doesn't it? but i know how hard it is to deal with someone who is skilled in making you worry and concerned, whether that is their concious intention or not.

Look after yourself

I don't think you ever get usd to it. Even though I'm now 16 odd years on from my dad's first suicide threat, every time it happens it puts the fear of god into me and I wonder whether this time might be the time he actually does it. Another one tonight <sigh>

All you can do is all you can do. Are you in Al-Anon?