My sister has cancer :((

I am so sorry ?

Peaches, thinking of you and sending lots of hugs to give you some strength ?

Just found out that it's terminal and she can't be operated on as it's too near her spinal cord. She's got tumours in her lungs too. Apparently she's been unwell for a long time - tired all the time, pains in the back of her neck. She thought it was her chair, but in the end she went to the Dr. Saw him in the morning. By the same afternoon she was having radiation.

She rang my brother last week and told him (her 'real' brother) and then rang my other brother (her step-brother [my half - still with me?!]) last night as well as Mum.

It's all very sad and I just don't know what to do for the best. She really acted terribly at the time of Dad's death and, according to Mum, was extremely spiteful, nasty and vitriolic towards me behind my back. To my face I was her little baby sister whom she loved dearly. All very confusing.

I've not spoken or had contact with her since then - 2002 - so now I just don't know what to do. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'm just in such turmoil again, just when I was beginning to get some sort of 'normality' back into my life - literally in the last couple of days. I'm supposed to be somewhere right now but just can't even bring myself to ring them to tell them what's what.

Someone kick me into shape please. There are far worse off than me. I need to get out of this 'woe is me' feeling ?

Gosh Peaches, i can see your dillema. Wish i could offer some words of wisdom but not something i've experienced. ?

I feared that might be the case. I think you are entitled to the woe is me feeling you have had a lot going on, have you thought more about the anti d's? I do think it would be helpful to try them.

I think you will probably regret not contacting her if you don't xxx

Awww Peaches i'm so sorry to hear that it's so far advanced. It sounds as though things have been strained between you for a number of years but maybe now would be the time to let go of past misdemeanours and pick up the phone to her. No matter what has gone on before this must have come as a huge awful shock to your sister and if anything positive can come out of such sadness why not let it be a building of bridges between the two of you.

Of course she may feel differently and not be interested but unless you give it a go you'll never know.

?

Reading my post back it does seem like I've got the most dysfunctional family ever! Sadly my Dad took great joy out of stirring 'his' children up and making it out to be a case of 'them and us' between Mum and her son. As I was the result of their marriage, I'm bang in the middle of it all as I'm actually related to everyone, but somehow I seem to be more in Mum's 'camp' as it were, and the other two did their utmost to push me away, especially at Dad's funeral. I actually don't understand a lot of it - head in the sand perhaps? So now I'm in turmoil as to what to do.

Zoe, you may have a point about the ADs, but honestly, in the past few days (literally) things were starting to come together. I'm semi-walking again and just being mobile and able to do things for myself has helped enourmously. We're going away for a wonderful weekend which was designed to maximise R&R whilst giving us some valuable us time. It's been so long since we were together with no-one else either in our heads or our conversations. It's affected our marriage greatly, so we were both looking forward to putting that to rights.

And then there is my friend whose son has just been committed with severe depression. He's tried to take his life with drink, drug overdoses and slitting his wrists. I think I've got worries ....

Sorry to hear this peaches ?

Peaches everyones problems are relative to them iykwim? Im sorry that it is terminal, I feared that earlier when reading this. IMHO I think you might regret it more not contacting her at this time. ?

Peaches, I'm so sorry. But I tend towards the view that you will feel better (albeit marginally!) if you make contact with her and let her know she's on your thoughts. How she receives the olive branch is up to her, but at least you will have done the compassionate thing.

Just keep the ad's in mind incase you need them, the time away sounds a great idea though.

I would think that you dont have you do the whole reconsiliation (sp?) thing maybe just a 'im here if you need me to be' kinda thing for your sake if that makes any sense?

I'm really sorry to hear that, Peaches ? not fair that you've got all this to deal with at once.

I've had a really good (good?) sob and let it all out. Feel slightly better for that even though the pit of my stomach still feels like lurching.

Zoe, you've given me something to think about and I'm going to dig that script out and get those tablets. I can't remember what she prescribed, but I'm sure they're pretty mild. Right now the feeling of enourmity is overwhelming, and it's not even happening to 'me', but those around me.

I hear what a few of you are saying re: contacting her. Thing is, why didn't she contact me? She rang the boys. She rang my Mum. Why not me?? I don't have her number so I'd need to get it from Mum. The only mention of me to Mum was 'are Peaches and Mr Peaches happy?'

Still, I guess this is no time for analysis. Apart from if I contact her is that classed as an olive branch when it was one-sided? I tried to send her Christmas cards but they were returned as she had moved. I didn't even know until talking to Mum this morning she now lives in Tasmania.

This is such a testing time .. poor Mr P just doesn't know what to do for the best ?

I would imagine they are mild, they wont be forever, just for a while to help deal with all the stuff in your life, there is nothing wrong with taking them and nothing wrong with being rather overwhelmed (even when there are people worse off).

Could you get her address and send a letter or a card instead of calling her? Maybe she thought you didnt want to hear from her (just being devils advocate)

Oh God Peaches I don't know what to say, I was hoping things would start to improve for you soon

If you need to talk I'm here ?

Just wanted to send a big ? your way.

Peaches I'm so sorry to hear about this. Much love to you ?

I'm so sorry to hear all this Peaches. Also, that's a tough one about what to do given your recent relationship. If it were me, I would call her ?

PS Please mail me if you need anything...if you just want a chat, a teary rant, anything ?

So sorry to hear this peaches. ?

Peaches I'm so sorry. You must be numb indeed. Cancer is a f ucking scary horrible disease and it makes me so sad that so many of us are touched by it.

Many hugs and thoughts.

So sorry to hear this Peaches, you've had a horrendous time. Have a completey inadequate ?

Peaches, I'm so sorry to hear this ?. You've been having a horrific time of late. For what it's worth, I'd go on the side of contacting her - maybe a card rather than a phone call but only you understand the full situation.

Take care of yourself.

Kate

Thank you everyone. Again you're all here with your support and kind words. Thank you so much - it really does help.

Since posting earlier I have been wondering about my last contact with my sister. Both Mr P and I think I've spoken to her at length just before we moved over here, so it's not that long ago. Neither of us can remember any animosity then, so it's still all vague as to what it was all about around Dad's death. I think both she and her brother thought they were entitled to Dad's estate and it all got rather nasty, although neither Mr P or I were aware of it at the time. Mum was the target, but I was caught in the crossfire somehow.

That's in the past, and perhaps not something that'll ever come out now.

I'm going to send her a card and tell her I'm thinking of her. I'll enclose my address and email and then it's up to her if she gets in touch. Not a lot more I can do other than call, and I don't feel ready for that just yet. Seeing as I don't have her address or phone number I'd need to get them from Mum. Address to start I think.

How desperately sad. She must be so fucking scared. I can't imagine going to the Doc with a neck pain and finding out I had terminal cancer.

The sooner we get a cure for this awful disease ...

PS. I took my prescription to the pharmacist today. It was for Citalopram 20 mg. I've taken one today and will continue to until I get back on an even keel. I was going to wait to see how things transpired after my IDU was changed as that's hormone based, but after spending the day sobbing on and off, I can't go on like this. As long as I don't get the side effects my brother was getting I'll be fine, I'm sure. But then I drink less in a month than he does (did?) a day, and his side effects were very much alcohol related.

Anyone with experience of this drug to share would be appreciated. Just so I have some 'real' feedback rather than the script notes, my googling and my brother's (terrible) experience. Thank you again.

I havent used citalopram although I am sure other hitchers have, as long as you dont over do the alcohol you should be ok, usually with ad's it increases drowsiness so be careful with driving. Make sure when you do stop that you speak to a doctor as you cant just stop as you will get bad side effects. I know you didnt really want to take them but I am glad you have. You might get some side effects to start with but they usually go after a few weeks when they actually start working, but see the doctor if you are worried, you might need a different ad.

I think a card with your details is a good idea, she can then decide to contact you or not but you have at least contacted her so you wont wonder 'what if'

Lots of hugs for all of you

I was on it about 5 years ago. I remember it made me feel sick to begin with but I kept going and it passed. I was on it for about 5 months all in, I weaned myself off towards the end. I tried a few before I got the right one but that was it. My friend was on it at the same time, it seems to be a good one.

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Sorry to hear that Peaches, hope she makes a speedy and fully recovery.

I'm so sorry it's terminal. ? Like a couple of others, I thought the same when you mentioned it being in her spinal cord.

I think sending a card is a very good idea and if you don't hear from her, sending another could be an idea just in case it doesn't arrive with international post not always being the most reliable.

I'm glad you are taking the citalopram. ? I was on 60mg so 20mg is a small dose so don't worry about that.

Please yell if you need some support or someone to talk to. xx

Peaches - glad you had a good cry and let some of the emotion out. And good idea, taking something to help you through this difficult time. I've no experience of the tablets you're taking but I'm sure they'll help. I also thing sending a card with a note / letter to your sister would be a great idea, especially if you don't feel ready for phone contact.

Meanwhile, more cyber hugs coming your way .....

Hi Peaches

As soon as I saw your post I just had to reply. I can sympathise with how you are feeling right now 100% - my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year. Nealy a year on he's had a course of chemo simply to give him more time and now the doctors have had to step in with the pain relief. It's just one of the most awful things ever.

The last year has been so surreal, we cancelled our holiday abroad as we were due to go away the month after the diagnosis, and it's just been a case of taking each day as it comes ever since. In the days after we found out my brother, who was 17 at the time, shut himself away in his bedroom for days and would hardly eat and my mum was just so angry and bitter that something like this was happening to us. Now, things have turned and my mum is coping with it better, mainly cos she has to really, and my dad seems to be feeling the bitterness, which is completely understandable.

I'm extremely lucky to have such a supportive fiance, who has had to put up with me and my mood swings - one minute i'm fine and the next I'm crying over absolutely nothing.

I'm not really sure my post will help much but I have found it helpful to hear about other peoples' experiences of cancer as it can sometimes feel like you're really alone and yet it affects so many people. So I guess I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and your family.

xx

Oh Peaches, I'm so sorry to hear this, I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling, ?

Thanks again everyone, and thanks December for sharing your experience. Thinking of you and your family ?

We live in a wonderful age of amazing technology, outstanding medical advances and the ability to travel the length and breath of the planet (and beyond). It'll be even more fantastic when a cure is discovered for this awful, awful disease. Let's hope it's not too many lifetimes away.

? to all those who have been touched by it