Over reaction? Help

Meant to point out that she is my only adult bridesmaids.

thanks for any advice!

Hiya,

I think if it was me, I'd speak to her about it, but in a gentle, round about kinda way. Just say something along the lines of 'I know you have a lot going on, with recently having your baby, would you still like to be my MOH, I dont want to add on extra stress as with the run up to the wedding there will be all sorts of appointments etc'

I have 2 young kids ( 3 and 2) and I am the worlds worst at replying to a text / email / missed call if I dont do it there and then as something always comes up and it slips my mind. Baby brain really does exist. If she is on her own with baby, then its maybe the simple fact she has forgotten to reply as she may have been feeding / nappy changing etc when the text came through.

Hope this helps, keep us posted x

Your wedding is still ages away so she probably doesnt see the urgency in replying and is really busy with a baby. Doesnt mean she has lost interest. I think you are overthinking this x

What kind of things are you expecting her to help with, maybe if they are trivial wedding talk she may not think they are that important to reply to whereas if it something where she can actively help and there is a reason behind the question she might think you want/ value her opinion and she can see her answers are helping you?

Also, the dynamic of your relationship has changed, since the birth have you been there for her/ asked her if she needs anything maybe she thinks the relationship atm is one sided although wedding stuff to you is important it probably isnt to her maybe you should meet a couple of times and not mention the wedding so she is seen as your friend?

not sure if that helps really but im not having bridesmaids/ MOH so im doing the majority of it myself with the help of the OH that way everything will be done the way we want it, I feel when people get involved you may get swayed into something you may not want

have texted her and met up with her that wasnt to do with weddings - just to catch up. if we do talk about weddings i dont brign it up i will only talk about it if she brings it up.

yes i have plenty of time, but there are a few things which i need to order/book sooner rather than later.

Thanks for the talking to everyone.

Maybe it is time to re evaluate your decision, maybe you ask one of your best friends as surely it is worth having someone by your side who is enthusiastic rather than knowledgeable? you might find together better deals, better suppliers etc and by not not having your MOH as your MOH you are freeing yourself of stress?

This will be why. Sometimes I will read a text and think i'll reply to that in a minute and my Son will throw his food. Cue me cleaning and doing anything but replying. I might then remember the next day but my point is she will be very distracted with her little one.

You still have 9-10 months left and you've been talking to her for the past 6 about your wedding....The one thing I've learnt is that your wedding will not be as interesting to others as it will be to you.

Personally I would leave it a bit and then start up the wedding convos with her nearer the time. I can't imagine you've really needed much BM input yet anyway other than maybe bm dress shopping if you've done that (and maybe yours if you wanted her to come).

I think you are over reacting to be honest. She's just had a baby - I'm afraid that is top of her priorities at the moment.

With your wedding still being 9 or 10 months away, what do you need help with at the moment?

A good friend would be round there a couple of times a week to give her cake do her dishes while she feeds the baby or puts her feet up for 10 mins.

Friendship works both ways.....

I think that with her having a baby she will be extremely busy with motherhood. 9-10months is a bit of time away and you might need to look into things yourself and book suppliers that you like/OH both like and have her their when it comes to dresses etc rather than all of the planning.

I think you need to discuss this with her in person. Approach it gently and explain that you appreciate everything she has done so far (even if that's not much at all!), but that you're concerned that it might be too much for her with everything else she's got going on. Make sure you emphasise that you're concerned for her and you don't want to put any additional pressure on her etc. If you make it about you then that could sound a little bit bridezilla. I would have thought that a good friend would appreciate honesty and I'd hope she would be able to handle it maturely.

I think one part of your post says it all really. "...would like to know now while I have time to get someone else in to do the JOB". Being a MOH is not a job.

Now looking after a baby is a full time job. I would cut her a bit of slack whilst she is getting used to benig a new Mum. I would strongly advise against saying anything to her along the lines of her not having time to be your MOH.

As others have said, what exactly do you expect her to be doing at this stage?

Consider myself well and truly spoken too. ?☹️

Some helpful comments and some almost mean/hurtful comments. Think i will keep my feelings to myself from now on and stay clear of forums.

Don't take it personally! For internets it is useful to remember that tone is really difficult to convey so actually people could be being lovely. I think there's lots of helpful advice here.

My suggestion would be to stop and think what you want out of a MOH, and whether it's realistic for her to fulfil those needs. It might be worth inviting getting a wedding planner? Either in the formal (hire one) or informal (ask another friend) capacity as it sounds like you're a bit overwhelmed.

In my case, my MOH has done diddly squat because she's working full time, studying for a MSc and travelling to the other side of the country every weekend to see her boyf. Other bridesmaids and friends have filled in where I *really* needed help but mostly I've done everything myself.

As an aside, things like flowers, make up artists etc are really personal decisions. She may be reluctant to recommend hers on the basis that it might not be what you want. Or maybe she didn't like them!

Try not to put too much pressure on you or her to fulfil the in-the-movies bride-MOH relationship. In reality, it's nothing like that.

I read all the posts and then got to this one and went back to read them again. You asked for opinions and people have given you them, I don't think any of them are mean/hurtful.

As for your original question, I agree with most of the others -speak to her and ask her if the pressure of being MOH is too much whilst she has a young child.

Did she realise at the time that you would want her thoughts on a lot of things? Some people simply don't realise that for some brides the MOH is a big part of the wedding planning. I didn't! The first 2 times I was a bridesmaid I basically did nothing but show up, the third time I was much more involved and it was a shock to me. This is no criticism on your part, but maybe she doesn't realise how much you're going to depend on her?

To be honest, it sounds like you might have chosen your Maid of Honour for the wrong reasons - from the way your post is written, it sounds like she's not someone you consider a best friend, just someone you consider 'best fit' for the 'job'. Which (if it's true of course - I might have interpreted it wrong) is not really in the spirit of things! You should pick your Maid of Honour/bridesmaids on who you want there with you on the day, who you consider most important and want to share the most important day of your life with. Not who you think will deliver the best results for you!

No please dont leave the forums, they can be really helpful. I understand why some would come across hurtful but just shrug it off. I think some people dont think how their comments can come across when tone of voice and facial expression is took out of the equation.

I dont agree with some of the post tbh. I think for some people the MOH being really involved is important and thats up to you, i understand why you would be a little frustrated. I think when your planning your wedding you become so involved that you forget that not everyone is that interested. Im very lucky that ive got 3 adult bridesmaids and they are all mega excited even though its a year away. Its such an exciting time for you and you want to share it with those involved, it can be a little disheartening when others dont share your enthusiasm. I think the problem here is that the biggest day of your life has clashed with the most important chapter in hers. I would sit and talk to her and just explain that you can see how busy/stressed she is and you dont want to add to that. i would also say that you want her to enjoy being part of your wedding, not stressed out by it and it not be a lovely experience for her.

As for MOH being job, i kinda think it is and i dont think you said it in that way anyway. The first thing my MOH said to me was ''right what do you want me to do and what are my 'official' dutys''. It really is up to you who you chose and the reasons behind it. No use picking your bestfriend is she is never available is there? I dont think there is a 'spirit of things' in a wedding. It can be a really stressful time in your life (which is amazing as it should be the loveliest time lol) and you need someone who will support you.

I hope you sort it out soon and please dont stay away. the forums can be really useful and helpful most of the times.

xxx

I do agree with the others about babies etc.. (not that i have a baby so I am just observing what I have seen with my friends!)

Personally I think you should be a bit worried more nearer the time maybe 2 or 3 months. I only say this as my wedding is 16months away - my Sis is my MOH and I want her involved due to the fact I love her and I was (and will admit i still sometimes bombard her with stuff) She doesnt always reply not becuase she doesnt want to be involved but the fact she lives in London I live in Wales and she works full time but in shifts so is constantly tired - but I know for a fact she will be there for me a few months before the wedding but right now my wedding is not her priority - which sounds familiar to yours!

Again, If your that bothered then talk to her but I would leave till nearer the wedding. Or invite other friends round to help you with wedding stuff - they may enjoy this.

did you know she was pregant when you asked her?

Bye bye.

Well- I totally diddnt see *that* happening!

you asked if you were being unreasonable. You were told yes you were. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers too.

detective mini smells a troll.

Bye bye.

Well- I totally diddnt see *that* happening!

you asked if you were being unreasonable. You were told yes you were. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers too.

detective mini smells a troll.

So much I said it twice.

I wondered if it was a troll but I thought I'd leave the sniffing out to the professionals (detective mini).

I don't think anyone's comments were mean or the like. If you consider being MOH a job and look to recruit a new one and demote another then that could be seen as mean!!

Has it crossed your mind to give her a call?

It shocks me the amount of people that come on here to *** about not receiving a reply to a text or email from a supplier or member of the bridal party......PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM!!! It's not rocket science.

Haha, Funky, so true.

This is the quickest flounce we've had I think.

Is it just me that didn't actually expect my MOH/bridesmaids to do anything except spend the morning of my wedding with me and walk down the aisle with me? I'm afraid if you want someone who's as interested in your wedding as you are then you're going to pay a wedding planner to pretend to be. It goes both ways as well, how much interest have you shown in her and her baby since she gave birth?

This!

I chose my best friend as my MOH, despite the fact that she lives in Alberta, Canada. We emailed a lot during the engagement, but she got engaged herself, and found out she was pregnant. You can't expect people to respond immediately to texts and emails, especially with such big things going on in their own lives.

If you're still hovering around (and I hope you are - it would be a shame to do a runner just based on the responses you've had, most of which were entirely fine, helpful, and nice - even the ones with a bit of a tone), I'll offer you a bit of what I would do.

I would go to your absolute best friend in the world. They would be more likely to be more excited about your wedding. Ask if she/he will be co-MOH. I would be careful not to say it's because so-and0so isn't being helpful enough, that would just make them think you're using them. Say it would mean the world to you to have him/her by your side on the most important day of your life. Then squee over plans and flowers and dresses.

Finally, you don't really need a MOH to give you recommendations on flowers, MUAs, etc. Especially if you frequent these forums. I'm Canadian. With very few friends here in the UK. I managed to have an amazing wedding with the best suppliers in the world, and all thanks to Hitched, basically. When my MUA cancelled our booking 6 weeks before the wedding I came on these forums, moaned a bit, and within a couple hours I had a half dozen recommendations and the one I went with ended up being AMAZING.

So, perhaps you reevaluate what being MOH means, ask your bestie to stand up with you, and stick around on the forums despite what you might see as snarky comments, and end up making a load of new friends and having the most amazing wedding possible.

Few things that i would like to address.....

think some of you have the wrong end of the stick (don't think i explained myself very well) i full understand she has just had a baby. I am questioning how i feel because i don't want to add extra pressure on to her for being my MOH onto a busy new mum life that she is going through at the moment. just want to do the right thing by everyone - not just me!

My OH isn't that into the whole wedding planning and no one else is my family is that bothered either so from the start she said to me that i could "count on her" for any advice and support needed. i completely understand that she has more important things to do with her time at the moment.

Yes i am not great about putting my point across or using the right words and if you knew me you would know that i am not a mean or unreasonable person.

Yes i spend time with my MOH and talk/text with her often which is not wedding related and asking her all the time about whats going on with her and how she is etc.

I am getting a little panicked about the amount of brides on here that are getting married around the same time and how much they have done already. feel very behind.

Please do not ever call me a troll...that is out of order. I came on here for advice, yes i did ask a question and didn't like some of the comments as I felt they were a little harsh, i am sensitive and am a caring and considerate friend and will always go out my way to help friends!!! but i draw the line at going around someones home to help cook and clean for them...i wouldn't expect that and nether would my friends!!! As my dad always told me treat others how you wanted to me treated yourself.

Thanks for everyone's advice but i think i am a little too sensitive for forums - will leave that to the big boys and girls.

To be honest I'm being MOH for my friends wedding next year and I have already started planning the hen do and collecting deposits etc. The bride has also asked for us to start dress shopping (for me) also as she doesn't want it all to be an expense nearer the time. So I can see why you'd want her to be involved now.

But I do agree with everybody else - maybe pop round and see her rather than doing it all by text message - you'd probably get a lot more done and then the annoyance of no responding to a text will be removed

It would be a shame you avoided the forum altogether, you will get some great ideas and help with making decisions on what types of things to go for for your wedding, or advice on how things worked on the day such as timings and just generally views based on the experience of brides and others planning. You will also see that it's probably best to avoid more pesonal questions such as am I over-reacting to this or that, because generally on here if people are asking that questions it's because they are over-reacting and people will tell them so.

OP honestly, don't worry about what other brides have / haven't done compared with what you have. You're getting married in 9-10 months right? I got engaged on 30th April and I'm getting married 22nd February, so our engagement alone was less than 10 months! Identify what's most important and needs to be done early on, e.g. venue, and get that booked. The venue is something you and h2b should do together anyway. If he shows absolutely no interest, then go ahead and book the venue of YOUR choice. Then everything else, dress etc, will follow. You don't really need to be worrying about make up artists now, I've just sorted all the 'big' stuff and I will be leaving the smaller details until nearer the time.

I'm with you on this one.

I don't expect anything from my BMs except maybe a little help with planning my hen.

I chose my BMs as they are a big part of my life and my closest friends & this was my way of showing them how much they mean to me. Not because I thought they were capable of a job!