Please Help... Arguing with 19yr old over Wedding...

We always had parties when my parents were away. We always cleaed up after ourselves. And I'm pretty sure they knew too. Once I put the plates back onto the Welsh dresser in the wrong order....

Have they got house-trashing form?

this si what id do!! forget what R thinks!! if you speak to him like hes a grown up im sure hel understand, hes 19 after all not 15 and underage drinking!!

My 19yr old is incredibly messy whereas my 18yr old is pretty good with cleaning up after himself... however my 19yr olds friends are very much like him... last week he was only inviting 1 friend, today it was 5 friends so god knows how many friends when we have 14 months to go...

I must admit my OH is very strict about not having parties in the house even when we are at home let alone us being away for 2 weeks..

Put your foot down its your house if they can not go by rules tell them they need to find some where else to live will soon make them change there minds

If mum had told me at 19 that my nan would be popping in everyday I'd of gone mental too lol

Just let them have a party it will probably be fine if we had friends over I usually had a rubbish time as i was worried about all the stuff that could get spilt/stained/broken! Same with all my mates so sure it will be fine!

Trust him/them and sure it will be fine if it isn't you know for next time lol xx

I don't have kids, so it's hard for me to say, but you shouldn't have to cancel your honeymoon nor pay for them to go away.

Would your OH trust them to have a small party and clear up after themselves. You could say that you will make them pay for any damage done/a professional carpet cleaner etc! I think showing them you trust them might stop them from having a crazy party (of course, I don't know your kids).

With 14 months to go I'd be leaving thinking about it until next year...

Its not the case of me not teusting them, its the case my OH not trusting them... He is very old fashioned in his views and as he was never left home alone then he has put the same values on our house too and when he has made his mind up theres no changing it... I will end up either cancelling the HM or paying for the boys to go away on hols..

Unfortunately my son is very much a "I need to know now" person and if I ask my OH now I know the answer will be NO... they are both very stubborn and I often get caught in the cross fire.. for instance, 2 nights ago I bought a box of beer and put out 4 bottles to have with dinner, my OH doesnt like the boys drinking in the house as he never used to do it when he was growing up so he refused to drink his... I'm caught in the middle yet again with this now..

Its still a long way off yet. He may suprise you and grow up a little in the 14 months ?

Regardless of their age, your house, your rules. They either comply or find somewhere else to live, and if you don't want a party whilst you're away, that's the end of the matter.

Now, the complication here seems to be that you and your OH seem to have different views on this issue - and you both need to talk it over before laying down the law if necessary.

No doubt your kids find it difficult that there is now "someone else" having an influence on their lives, and it could get complicated if they try and turn you against him to get their way.

I do agree that you should be able to trust them at home alone in your absence - but it seems like the older one has already proven he cannot be trusted because he has already declared that he plans to go against the wishes of your OH. Can he not see that is "disrespectful" to the both of you?

As I said, if you think it's a problem, you need to talk it over with your sons and make the situation clear. If you don't think it's a problem, you need to talk it over with your OH and make him accept that they probably will have a party.

Either way, you're stuck in the middle having to make a choice where your loyalty lies - your adult sons or your new husband. That isn't going to be easy.

Priorities change and life changes tremendously when you get married. How do they currently get on with your OH?

So, your OH sounds fairly, erm, conservative in his views. Would he rather they were trashing a hotel room than having a party at home? Getting hammered in a pub than having a beer with dinner? Unfortunately, boys WILL be boys and I don't think there's ANYTHING you can do/say that will stop them having a party if they want to have one. Except, like you say, send them away... wouldn't that be more expensive that replacing a TV? Or would the issue come down to problems with disobedience rather than the cost of cleaning up after them? It's hard but they're grown up and naturally are trying to compete for their space/place in the household. Personally, I think it's one of life's lessons to learn how to scrub vomit out of a carpet before your folks get home...

Honestly, my gut reaction to your son not eating with you because of this is to tell him that if he grows up and stops sulking over something that is 14 months away you might be more inclined to trust him.

I'd put my foot down but not in too heavy handed a way - more "I trust you not to do anything you know I wouldn't like".

But I would also check my house insurance and remove anything you couldn;t bear to lose to a place of safety. Loft?

I've had teenagers/young adults myself.

They get on with him quite well as a rule.. my OH did have some weird and wonderful "house rules" when we first moved in together which caused a few bashing of head moments (arguments) and he has lightened up on those rules.. I'm ok with them being home alone but I, personally, would be happier if Mum came round every other day or so just to make sure everything is ok and I think my son would be ok with that... its just trying to make OH see that would be ok too... my son has said that he will go away for the 2 weeks rather than have Mum stay at our house (which OH wants her to do) but I wouldnt be comfortable or enjoy our HM not knowing where my son is staying..

I'm afraid my honest reaction is to side with the boys. A 19-year-old is legally an adult, so is an 18-year-old, and they should be treated like one as far as possible... treat them like adults and they'll learn to behave like one! And a bottle of beer with dinner is so not a big deal... if you make alcohol into a big deal then they'll just drink as much as possible as soon as they are able.

Could a compromise be for you to lock away all valuables in your room, but also let them have the party (on the understanding they will pay for and/or sort out any further damage)? And could your mum phone them every other day to check on them, and pop in once a week? That seems reasonable to me.

I understand your dilemma. However, could you persuade OH that it could be an opportunity for the boys to prove that they can be trusted? Yes, they will more than likely have some form of party but if they were to know about any reprisals were they to disregard your trust; that and the fact that Grandma will be checking may help - a sort of compromise. You have also got the 'disapointed' card you could play - with your sons that is. That one was worse than being yelled at when I grew up. I know it is a very tricky decision to make but when they do start uni will they not be going to all sorts of parties anyway.

After all is said and done, you know your boys best but they might just surprise you both.

Not sitting with the family for dinner over it is very childish and i would say to him that you think he maybe needs supervision if that's going to be his attitude. I'd tell him if he doesn't start acting like an adult then you'll ask your mum to move in with them for the 2 weeks you away!

I agree with you wholly.. we live in a very rural area, we live on a private road with one other house who would "keep an eye" on things if need be so in my view I wouldnt be worried about them being at home and I have spoken to my son and he has agreed that he would be happy for my Mum to come round every other day or so just to make sure everything is ok... its just trying to get OH to agree lol..

To be truthful, i find it a little over bearing. I mean i dont know how mature they are only you do, but at 16 i had the house to myself while the rents went on holiday. Just the odd phonecall from my nan to check i was ok. I had had my mates round and made sure house was ok for when they got back. No harm done. I would think at 19 they are capable but as i say, only you know what theyre like. xxx

Again, agreed and this time I did put my foot down with the OH and let the boys have the beer anyway, yes I "paid for it" as he didnt talk to me for the rest of the evening but I dont see a huge deal in allowing them a drink with their dinner, I think sometimes a glass of wine/beer is nice to have when having an evening meal together...

as for the home alone thing, I really dont think I'm going to get through to OH on this one

I have suggested that we go away for a few weekends away and leave the boys just for a night or two so they can "prove" to him that they can be trusted in the house..

If you treat them like children, they'll behave like children as well.

Not allowing legal adult children to drink alcohol in your home is a bit much tbh. My parents let me have a very small glass of wine with dinner from about the age of 12 and I grew up to be a sensible drinker. You have to start treating them like adults sometime!

Oh my gosh.... he definately can be!

My mom was in the same situation when she got married except she wanted my brother to move out while she was away and deliberated for months and months as to what to do. She ended up very upset as did my brother. TBH I was very upset my Mom would suggest it - I totally agreed it's her house and under no circumstances do I want anything bad to happen, and I agree - my brother had past form and it was her rules her way etc but it's also my brothers home too.

In the end the compromise was he could stay, but that my "cool uncle" would stay some nights too and pop over at least once each day. And I also stayed at weekends too, me being the sensible one.

I'm not going to lie - he had a huge party, people got drunk, threw up, did all the naughty things you'd expect of an 18 year old, but no one died, and no permanent damage was done (once i'd spent a good hour cleaning up and re-washing the minging glasses my brother had attempted).

BUT that was what was right for my brother - only you know your kids, and if they would do permanent damage? And if you think your going to spend your honeymoon worrying about it, then it's not worth the bother, so i'd be inclined to negotiate or pull rant if that's the case, but I would also say that you know it's their home too but could they think of it as a wedding present? or could you by any chance have a wedding guest who is travelling but needs a place to stay for 2 weeks longer say?

Not having kids myself I can't really offer any parental advice...

But, I would have been mortified if - at 19 - my parents went away and had someone check up on me every other day and to be honest, probably would have thrown a bit of a strop about it. So I'm kinda with your boys on this one.

I'd just get rid of your valuables to somewhere safe, and let them get on with it and as other people have said give them an opportunity to gain you and your OHs trust. As long as they know that they are 100% responsible for any damage etc...

Maybe not mention it for a while since there's so long to go? Going away for weekends sounds like a good idea to help your OH see that they'll be ok...

Is there an option where you can bang all their heads together and tell them to grow up? To be honest, from what you've said, all the men in your house are behaving like children if they don't get their own way. They're all adults and should act like it.

If your OH is really against it, and your son has already said he'll have a party anyway, there's no way your OH will be able to enjoy the honeymoon because he'll be thinking about what's happening to his house.

My parents went on holiday and left my brother alone for the first time when he was 16 - I was on the German exchange from school so he was home alone. He had a party and one of his 'friends' drew rude pictures on the living room wall. Not very mature but that's what teenage boys can be like I suppose! My parents were upset when they came home but my brother had tried to cover it up as best he could, and it wasn't him that had done it so how could they blame it on him? He was much more careful about who he invited round after that but because he tried to sort it out my parents knew they could trust him.

I have to say that sulking and not eating a meal with you is so very childish and he isn't really proving his maturity to you at all.

I feel for you being caught in the middle of this, put them in a big sack and give them a shake

xxx

Ahh the male aptitude for immaturity srtikes again!

Never realised how hard 2 families coming together would be...

It is hard as I love my OH to pieces but my sons are my sons at the end of the day... and I have a huge tie (obviously) to them!

Poor you, sounds like you are the only one acting like a grown-up in your house! If it was me, I would get the whole family to sit down together and discuss the problem together. As your sons are now adults its important they are treated like ones or they will never learn how to discuss stuff maturely and understand the importance of give and take. I also think its important that your OH understands that as children grow up they need to be given more responsibility in order to cope in the big wide world. It might help if you remind your sons that acting like adults leads to being treated like adults - meaning no strops when they don't get their way. I think you're trying too hard to please everyone when I think you should accept that no one is going to come out of this getting everything they want. If your OH or your son wants to sulk about it then don't let them make you feel guilty, they only do it to try to manipulate you.

I find this quite a sad statement. You have to let people make mistakes, not keep them under lock and key.

I think I might call a family meeting, it'll start off ok, OH will say NO without listening to reason, my son will then kick off about being treated like an adult and I will try to get them both to listen to each without firing back, that probably wont workk so I will sit back to watch the festival of fireworks go off between them lol...

I think enterflora makes a valid point, your son has said he is going to have a party, even though he knows you and your OH dont want him to (Ithink this is a reasonable request by you both) but even if he is sensible he cannot control a whole load of people and ensure nothing can go wrong/get broken.

However I do wonder if he is reacting this way as he is not being treated like the adult he is. I would have benn mortified at 16 if my parents did not trust me on my own and at 19 lived away from home most of the time at uni doing no permanent damage to me or my house. And as for not letting them have a beer with their meal, I honestly think this is ridiculous.

I feel for you as you seem to have a fair and realistic view on things but are stuck in the middle of two men who are behaving like boys about it, they both need to grow up and make compromises, ie your OH agrees to them being left with your Mum checking on them and your son agrees to having no more than 5 close friends over at any one time!