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Beginner June 2011

Rant - WWYD/AIBU?

McSquirtle, 6 February, 2012 at 17:29 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 5

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Ok, so prepare for a long one. Me and H got married in June 11 and we had been living together a year beforehand, I'm originally from Cheshire (where all my family/friends are) and I am now living in South Wales with him. Once we got married it was obvious I wouldn't be 'popping' back home quite so often and only for the odd visit. So my mum and sister (who I'm quite close to) decided to relocate too, to be close to us. My sister started college in September down here so has been living with us since then. She lasted a month in college and has done nothing since. My mum managed to find a job down here and also moved in with us in November. We're storing her furniture in a storage container at my MIL's house and they are paying weekly for the container. So me and H had around 2 months together alone since getting married. My mum has been looking for somewhere but was supposed to be using the time with us to save and get herself sorted. We haven't put any pressure on her but discussed that once Christmas was out of the way she would look for somewhere to live. For Christmas she bought my sister an iPad 2 and spent £600 between myself and H! So much for saving for a house. Luckily we didn't spend the money she gave us and we ended up having to pay for her car that broke down out of that money a few weeks ago.
So, they're still with us, every house that has come up since Christmas 'hasn't been appropriate'. I think she's being too picky as for her money, she can't get her dream house! At the moment she has two houses hanging on waiting for her decision, both have good and bad points but would allow moving next weekend. She's dragging her heels and now something else has come up (way out of her price range) that she's now considering. The time that they're here is slowly increasing and it's driving me mad. I've been counting down to H and we're really looking forward to having our house back. As it stands we're not going to have long on our own until baby arrives! My sister does nothing and I feel like I'm constantly cleaning because of the extra people in the house. My mum does try and she keeps the place clean, feeds the cats, buys the odd bits of shopping etc but it's getting too much now. We've got big plans for the spare room that my mum is in, and also I would love to get started on the nursery which is the room my sister is in, not to mention have some normality around the house. Mine and H's relationship has suffered big time. We get no time together and our sex life in non existent (god knows how we conceived) and it really is taking its toll now - we have even discussed that it might not ever be the same again...
So, I understand it's time to say something however she is the most difficult person to have a normal, grown up conversation with. She gets really defensive and the last time I mentioned that I was stressed with the situation (mainly my sister) she said in a huff "I'll just have to take that house then won't I?" - she didn't in the end of course because I told her to not be stupid and that I didn't want her rushing into anything. And I feel terrible because its my family and I don't want her to feel pushed out or pressured. If she doesn't end up taking either of these two houses and moving this weekend what shall I do? I feel like I can't physically cope with them here any longer, H obviously doesn't want me to be so stressed and unhappy when we're supposed to be enjoying this time but I don't want him to say anything as my mum will know I've been moaning.
So, do you think I'm BU and WWYD in this situation?

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5 replies

Latest activity by McSquirtle, 6 February, 2012 at 18:28

Beginner November 2009
Cookie Galore · 6 February, 2012 at 17:42
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Good lord, not unreasonable at all. As uncomfortable as it will probably make things I think the time may have arrived to be blunt. If she says "I should just take that house then shouldn't I" I'd be inclined to tell her yes, if it's a 6 month lease that will give her plenty time to sort out in her head what's really important to her in a house and let her look for her "dream house" in her own time. I'd also be shamelessly using the "we need to get the house ready for the baby coming" angle and also the completely honest "we need some time to ourselves" angle.

If all that fails I'd make a point of having extremely loud sex every night (just jump up and down on the bed squealing if you're not up for the real deal) and engaging in really revolting public displays of affection in the kitchen while they're eating their tea for a fortnight until they get the message.
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Beginner August 2012
jen_84 · 6 February, 2012 at 18:13
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You need to remind her that it was meant to be a temporary arrangement and that it is putting a strain on your relationship. It sounds as though she would be going into a rented house rather than buying if she could move so quickly, so if the house she takes isn't exactly what she wants, she can look for what she does want whilst she is there. She needs to realise that the current situation will also damage your relationship with both her and her sister.
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Beginner July 2012
Blonde Viki · 6 February, 2012 at 18:20
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You have my sympathy *and* understanding McSquirtle.

OH & I gave my sister somewhere "temporary" to live when she split up with her partner and 15 months down the line, she's still here. She's done nothing to sort her life out and doesn't look like being in a position to leave any time soon, despite numerous deadlines imposed by us!

It is a hard situation, and many people will tell you to put your foot down but it's much harder to do that when it's family I think. My sister has lived with us for pretty much our whole engagement and the only reason we want her to leave is because we want our space back (well, that and she's an awful housemate), which never really feels like a 'good enough' reason especially when we talk to other people about it. BUT it *is* a good enough reason, in your situation even more so, you are a newly married couple preparing for a baby and it sounds like you are beginning to have the same problems OH & I have had, which arise out of a lack of privacy for you as a couple.

If you're anything like me, you'll be worrying about seeming harsh or feeling like all the good things you've done being forgotten because of how the arrangement came to an end, but you do have to put yourself and your marriage first. I can see you are worrying about them making a bad choice of new home if you 'rush' or 'pressure' them, but they are adults you have to let them make their choices. I worry about where my sister might end up too, but again she's an adult and as much as I care about her, it doesn't make her life decisions my problem (though my dilemma is that sis is by herself, so I get pressure to look after her from my parents - even though she's nearly 30 dammit!!).

The way your mum reacts is exactly like my sister, but I think you've done enough and you have to sit her down and tell her that this was a temporary arrangement and you need to have a 'moving out' date to work to. At the end of the day, if they were under a private landlord who wanted his property back, they would be given a leaving date and they'd have no choice but to make arrangements and be out by that time. You need to make them see that, and that you've been more flexible than that already. It's hard and I've no idea how to break this news to them in a way that they will realise is final (if I did, I'd have managed it myself!) but it sounds like it needs to be done and you are in no way being unreasonable!
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Beginner June 2011
McSquirtle · 6 February, 2012 at 18:23
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Jen - you're right about it damaging the relationship between me, my mum and my sister. I already can't be bothered with my sister, everything she does winds me up!

She is renting rather than buying so it will be easier if she's not happy there. You're all right, I just find it so difficult to bring up! My H has just told her that he's organised the lorry (to drop the container off) and a friend to help with the moving, for Saturday morning and she didn't say a lot. Hopefully this will spur her on.
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Beginner June 2011
McSquirtle · 6 February, 2012 at 18:28
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Viki - poor you! 15 months?! I would be pulling my hair by now. I hope you can sort your situation out soon too! Can your mum not put her up? Thanks for the advice ? I will be having a word if she mentions any more about not knowing which house, etc. but hopefully I can pop back on Sunday and let you all know that we have our house back!
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