Saving for the wedding, difference of opinion

It's one day, and it goes surprisingly quickly. You're right that there is no need to compete because it's about getting married and starting your married life together. Essentially, signing the certificate is the most vital part of the day and the rest is just embellishment.

Hi

I don't post much anymore being an OM but we were in a very similar situation to you. We got engaged and about a month later so did my cousin. Although we had contributions from our parents we basically had to pay for pretty much everything ourselves. I was worried about our weddings being compared (and mine not being quite so good). They don't have the money worries we had (our honeymoon was £800, their's is costing £5k!!! - my dress and bridesmaids' dresses were second hand, hers new etc etc) but as I was planning everything I realised I didn't care. Our day was exactly as we wanted it to be (even down to the weather!) and even if I had all the money in the world I wouldn't change a thing. It was perfect for us and whatever my cousin's wedding is like (its this summer) it won't change my mind. There's will be perfect for them as ours was for us.

Anyway, what i'm trying to say, is that if the day is what you two want then it will be big and impressive no matter how much it cost. You can create the Wow factor without spending huge amounts of money. I personally think its the personal things that make the wow part.

To be quite honest, the day goes by so quickly and all the little attention to detail things (that can cost quite a lot) go un noticed anyway.

I would be more worried about why my H wants to upstage his cousin so much....surely the outcome (ie - you becoming man and wife) should be the most important aspect of the day.

A lovely lady once told me "Its not how much you invest into the wedding, its what you invest into the marriage"

I think you should sit down with your OH and discuss exactly what it is he thinks will give your day the "wow" factor he wants it to have. My H didn't have the foggiest about how much anything cost and although he probably erred on the "oh it's just a few flowers, how expensive can it be?" ? side your OH has maybe got that daft figure in his head about the "average" wedding costing about £20k and thinking he needs to spend more than that to get more than "average" (often misconstrued as mediocre).

Everyone always says start with your budget but I don't think you can realistically do that until you know roughly what style of wedding you want and roughly how many people you're going to want there. For example, do you want a few selected guests it in a seriously upmarket hotel with top notch crystal glasses, champagne, silver service etc or is your style more loads and loads of friends and family in the local village hall with a fab hog roast and a party atmostphere?

Talk to your H about the size of wedding he envisions - humungous with 150+ guests or more intimate with say 30 selected guests to the whole day and maybe another 40 or so at night? Does he have any ideas about actual items and their cost or does he just have a figure in mind that he "must" spend to get an amazing day, even if that means using up surplus budget on jewel encrusted thrones for you to sit on? Also, remind him that the less you spend on the wedding the more you can spend on the honeymoon, which really is just about the two of you and not for anyone else's benefit.

I can understand his macho concern about not wanting to be outdone but like everyone else has said: you can do amazing things with less money than you might expect and lots of the expensive details go un-noticed. Alternatively go for less people and an extravagant style. I would chat with him ?

well your big day is going to be your big day and fabulous for that fact alone. It will have been put together by you and him and everythig will be your ideas. Save as much as you can and if you start planning now and paying the deposits, you can get the exact money worked out that you will need to be paying as you go along!! My friend had the big expensive wedding last year. Mine will be a fraction of the price of hers and so far I'm having a better time organising mine!

Well we talked about it last night, and we're not much closer to figuring anything out. He mainly wants the "wow factor" in the venue, he says. He's basically decided we're having our reception at the top of the Gherkin, which would cost £17,000 just on hire and food and drink, and thinks that we should save up for however long it takes to be able to afford that. I tried to get some specifics out of him as to what would give a venue this wow factor, but all I managed to get was that he doesn't want a "boring, generic hotel."

So now i'm stuck trying to find a venue that has this undefined wow factor, and my only restriction is that it's not a hotel. I have managed to get him to concede on his ideal guest list figure though - he was keen to invite pretty much everyone we know to the entire day, and we've agreed that this is not going to happen but that his work acquaintances and people on that kind of level can come to the evening.

Is going abroad an option for you? A beach wedding could definately have the wow factor, and if your OH wants something different that could be it.

I've been to a wedding at the Gherkin and found it to be particularly anodyne. It's just a bar, at the end of the day.

If he wants something London based with a wow factor, what about Tower Bridge maybe? Again, you're paying for the 'wow' factor but the facilities are basic.

Why not look in to a restaurant in the city? If it's in the city proper it's likely to be shut at the weekend so you'll be able to negotiate a decent rate.

TBH from what you've said it sounds to me that he wants this wedding to be a way to say "look how much money I have, aren't I wonderful", completely missing the point. I think you need to remind him that this day is about the two of you and the love you have for each other and not about him posturing to his mates/relatives about how wealthy he is. There are plenty of hotels about which aren't "generic" - small boutique hotels are an option and if he was willing to travel outside City of London there are some absoutely gorgeous barns, manor houses, castles etc. Geordiebarbie (I think, sorry my memory is dreadful!) is getting married on board a gorgeous ship (SS Great Britain maybe?) which again has the wow factor as it's so different.

If it's going to take several years to save that kind of cash would you not prefer to put it towards a house/bigger house/extension or something that is actually going to provide a future for the two of you and any children you may have? Does he have any plan for your joint future or is he focussed on using his wedding day for a spot of one-upmanship ?

Finally, put yourself in the shoes of his cousin and his fiance. If I thought a friend or a relative was deliberately trying to use my wedding as a benchmark in order to "outdo" I would be hurt and angry and frankly would think the person was a bit of a kn0b and wouldn't invite them to mine. I'd also make darn sure the rest of the family knew exactly what he was up to.

Sorry, this has turned into a wee bit of a rant but ostentatious displays of wealth just for the sake of it (and particularly if it's designed to upset someone else) annoy me. Don't get me wrong, if you are rolling in cash and want to spend £50k+ or whatever on your wedding then have the peacocks walk down the aisle infront of you and have the bejewelled thrones. Just don't forget what's important and what, after the day is over, is just bling.

On a more helpful note, a quick google has shown up a website called "Unique Venues of London". I tried to post a link but hitched went mad and ate it! I've not looked at the cost of any of the venues on there but if you select "wedding specialists" under type of venue it shows up some beautiful venues, none of which could be considered boring.

I do understand him wanting an amazing venue but I think the wow factor comes from it being unusual, not the cost. If you find a venue he falls in love with he might find he's actually happy to trim the guest list so you can have the amazing setting.

My brother and his wife both work in London and earn stupid amounts of money. Their wedding was well over 100K and although it was an amazing day not really my thing. The venue was Chewton Glen Hotel, the flowers were flown in from god only knows where (although i will give them their dues they did look stunning) and they had obviously not scrimped one bit.

I am getting married Feb 2011 and our budget is £6500 so slightly different. ALthough i have never had a problem with the difference in mone and my brother's lifestyles (I could have been earning what he is if not more but turned away from it years ago, moved down to Devon where i met my fiance so obviously wouldnt change anything) it was my mum who told me not to worry about competing. As she pointed out we are two very different people and our day will so different from his that they wont really be comparable.

I guess what i am saying is that it should come down to what you want. If you want to get married 2011/12 then do. Find somewhere amazing that does a great deal, we are getting married in a hotel in a tiny village on Dartmoor and although we are having exxlusive use dont have to pay a penny for it. By thinking a bit differently you can save a lot of money and get a rela wow factor. Make sure that what ever you do do it is what you want and that you do not feel pushed into anything (trust methere will be enough of that later).