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So this is what rock bottom feels like - long

Angel1982, 24 July, 2008 at 19:53 Posted on Off Topic Posts 0 52

Sorry for the woe is me type post, I think I just need to let it all out

So my husband left me at the end of May saying we need a break. Things hadn't been fantastic, but I had twins just before Christmas and so obviously they have been taking up all of my time, and so yes our relationship was kind of put on the back burner. I was shattered constantly etc. But I didn't think he was even thinking of leaving.

We only married in September when I was 6.5 months pregnant. It was the happiest day of my life and I felt complete. Married with twins on the way, I couldn't have been happier

2 weeks after he left I discovered he had met someone else. He was working abroad when I found out. I got hold of her number and rang her screaming like a fishwife ? She is a friend of a friend and knew we were recently married and that we had baby twin boys. I gave her hell, she told me that he had said we had broken up for good and so on with it they got.

When he got home we met for a drink, he admitted everything and told me he was planning on telling me when he got back in the country.

Anyway cut a long story short, I have been devestated. He has been coming home to see the boys. He has taken hardly any stuff and keeps telling me he doesnt know what he wants. He then disappears back off to her house every night. And the idiot like I am I have been putting up with it, waiting til after he goes to then sit here and sob my heart out.

Last week after being at a friends house I went to the other womans house. Its right on my door step pretty much ffs. I don't know why I went. I wanted to talk to her I guess. I wanted to tell her to leave my H alone and that he should be at home with his wife and family. I ended up sobbing on her kitchen floor in a complete state. I felt like such a fool. She cried too and kept saying she was sorry but that she loved him. I dont think I have ever regretted going somewhere so much in my life or felt so humiliated.

In february I was declared bankrupt. This month our mortgage company has filed for repossesion. Last week H told me to look for somewhere we could private rent and that we would give it another go if I still wanted to. I was over the moon (I know some of you will laugh at me for that)

Now hes saying he's still not sure.

If we private rent we would have to pay 7 months up front due to being repossesed. My dad has offered to help us out if we need it as I am not working (mat leave) and we just dont have that sort of money laying around

But I dont think H is coming back. So private rent is out of the question for me and the boys. I have enquired at the council and they say we will be offered a hostel.

So while H is probably shacked up with his "girl friend", me and the boys will have to go through all of this alone. How is that fair? I don't want this for them. This wasn't how life was meant to happen. This time last year i was planning my wedding and planned to give the boys everything they want/need etc. Now I feel like I have failed them as I cant get their Daddy to stay and have sod all to offer them apart from all the love in the world. They have kept me going these last few weeks, I love them so much I want to give them the world.

I still love my H. I would have him back in an instant but the fact he cant decide what he wants should surely kick me in to touch to forget him and move on but I just cant. We would have been together 7 years on Sunday. Its so much to just throw away. How can he leave us like this??

There is so much more between the lines but I dont have the energy to type it all tbh. I just cant see a way forward. I want to wake up and discover its all been a bad dream ?

52 replies

Latest activity by KellsBells, 26 July, 2008 at 14:50
  • Dr Doo.Little
    Beginner May 2007
    Dr Doo.Little ·
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    I'm so sorry to hear everything you've been going through, it sounds terrible and you must be incredibly strong to be getting through this ?

    I can't offer any advice, but I just wanted to say that we're here if you ever need to offload.

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  • Zoay
    Beginner September 2013
    Zoay ·
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    Lots of hugs from here. Sounds awful. Stay strong love, use the hostel if you need to, to get your energy back up. You WILL be fine in the end. but it's a hard path, and he is beneath contempt for treating you all like this.

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  • kewbride
    Beginner September 2007
    kewbride ·
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    You poor thing, I'm not surprised you feel so awful ☹️ Frankly I can not believe your H is behaving like this, I wish I could offer you some advice ?

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  • L
    loopyloo ·
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    Hugs for you, im going thru similar just now, and its just awful. However, i dont have the added worry of twins and financial worries.

    We are all here if u need us. Rant, cry whatever

    PM me if u need to

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  • Foo
    Beginner June 2014
    Foo ·
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    My god, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. Your H has treated you and your boys appallingly and should be utterly ashamed of himself.

    On a practical level, you should try and seek advice over your housing situation (try Shelter) as with twin babies you shouldn't have to go to a hostel, at least not for long.

    You sound like a fantastic mum who has found herself in a terrible situation - and as for 'only' being able to give your boys your love, well, what else is as important? ?

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  • A
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    Angel1982 ·
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    Thanks everyone

    Loopyloo, I have followed your posts, I haven't replied as I just dont have the answers. I wish I did. Its hell isnt it ?

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  • L
    loopyloo ·
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    Dont worry about me angel. Concentrate on you and the boys, they will help u thru

    Much love xxx

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  • A
    Beginner
    Angel1982 ·
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    Its just so fecking hard. I lay in bed at night knowing he is with her. It's doing me in. He hasnt even gone with a younger woman, shes 13 years older than me (his age) and from what I know she has no personality, and apparently he has even said they have nothing in common! WTF?!?!

    Jeez I must have been bad ?

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  • princess layabout
    Beginner October 2007
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    It's no reflection on you ?

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  • NeoShoegal
    NeoShoegal ·
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    Don't know what to say really, my goodness. ? I'm so sorry to hear about all you're going through and I hope that things will clear up for you soon. I wish you all the strength to get through this. ?

    If you think that we might be able to help in any way, do let us know!

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  • K
    Beginner August 2012
    Kellfi ·
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    I am so sorry to read that all Angel, you have had an absolutely awful time.

    Whereabouts are you? I am sure that there are Hitchers that could maybe provide a hug and some cake ?

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  • Lillythepink
    Beginner
    Lillythepink ·
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    Stop right there. His behaviour is NOT a reflection on you, he's being a prize nobber. Sad to say, some men just cannot cope with not being no1 in your affections any more and to leave you penniless to deal with baby twins on your own is the work of a selfish arsehole.

    I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. Don't let him walk all over you, lovely - at the moment, he is having his cake & eating it too, and that's not fair on you, her or your gorgeous children. Continue to be strong, you can and will get through this. We are here. xx I wish you all the luck in the world; you deserve far better. Are there any relatives you can stay with while you get sorted out?

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  • A
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    Angel1982 ·
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    I'm in Bedfordshire. I have people around me but I'm crap company atm. I don't like talking about it IRL. I'm plodding on every day but every day is the same. The boys are in bed by 6.30pm and then I just sit here every night feeling sorry for myself. They are not sleeping great at the moment, so I don't even want to get my mum or sister to babysit as it wouldnt be fair. Saying that they are staying at my mums for the weekend to give me a break. I'm hoping it will be my first full nights sleep in 7 months!!

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  • A
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    Angel1982 ·
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    Thanks LTP. I have been letting him walk all over me and I know I have. That is how desperate I have been to get him home. I feel pathetic. I wish I was strong enough to pack his stuff and give him the 2 fingers but Im just not. If it was just me maybe I could, but when the 2 boys are saying Dada at every sodding opportunity it breaks my heart each time

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  • Lillythepink
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    Lillythepink ·
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    No one expects you to be able to just kiss off 7 years and stick 2 fingers up at him. I know if WTP left me I would be a mess, and would probably cling to his legs everytime he was leaving. I'm just so sorry he's not able to see the amazing family he has and how precious they are.

    Keep your chin up, lovely. ?

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  • princess layabout
    Beginner October 2007
    princess layabout ·
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    Oh god you poor thing. Where are you? I'm sure someone on the BT crisis list can swoop down with cake and comfort in the next few days ?

    Of course you're desperate for your life back, of course you feel sad and desperate and like you can't be strong all the time. He has treated you appallingly, from what you've said. Have you got any friends/family you could go and stay with rather than going into a hostel?

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  • RoseyRo
    Beginner January 2013
    RoseyRo ·
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    I am so very sorry you are going through this.

    It really is not your fault. Your H is being very unfair by dangling the getting back together carrot. he can't have the best of both worlds, that is so not fair on you and the boys and ultimately he is not being true to himself either.

    I don't know what else to say to help other than Hitched can be a great source of comfort. It has helped me through some dark times in the past, so stay with us, there is always someone here.

    Big hugs to you ?

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  • A
    Beginner
    Angel1982 ·
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    We could stay with my parents. The only thing is my sister has just left home so now should be their time iykwim. I will never be afford to rent on my own. The council wont entertain me if my parents put us up as they see it as we have somewhere to live. I couldnt live with them permanently they just dont have the room

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  • Hubble
    Hubble ·
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    not much help, but why don't men like this have to get tattoos on their foreheads that say 'abandoned wife and twin babies'. Why would anyone want to be the 'other woman' to a shitty little coward like this?

    I am appalled and so so sorry that you're going through this. Don't let this dreadful situation destroy your self esteem. He is the loser, not you.

    good luck. x

    ps, my son says "dada" to oran-utangs at the zoo, so don't let the 'dada'ing upset you.

    And, i bet if you grew some bigger balls and took control of the situation (by making a decision to move on, or at least pretending to make that decision) he'd come running back. Don't be 'road kill' - i hope that's not harsh, cos i know in reality you're in smithereens and i am so sorry, but you could do worse than try to act like you're going to put your pieces back together and move on without him. That would be the smart move and may result in gettin him back - or getting on with your life - win/win. Hard though in reality. xxxx

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  • S
    Beginner May 2003
    Strawberry Fields ·
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    Angel

    God you sound like me 2 years ago, although I didn't have the added "complication" of children. I completely so get the kitchen floor thing though - I behaved in the same manner and kicked myself for doing so, but just could not help it because the grief is so overwhelming. It sounds like your H is just like mine. Its bad enough that they have gone off with somebody else, but to dilly dally whilst you are prepared to take them back and forgive their mistakes is just so head screwy. I really don't know if I can be of any help to you. I know what you mean about not being able to sound off IRL. Email me if you want to. I would be happy to chat on the phone if you want to. I know how god awful lonely it can be going from being in a partnership to being on your own and the heartbreak you must be going through just now.

    x

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  • Mal
    Expert January 2018
    Mal ·
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    Bloody hell, what a nightmare. I really feel for you and I'm not sure what to say other than I hope you get through this xxx

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  • Gone With The Whinge
    Beginner July 2011
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    My goodness, I think you're allowed a meltdown once in a while, kitchen floor or no. I did it once (I also destroyed some of his property - immature but theraputic!). If this woman really is dull and uninteresting, it sounds like he deserves her.

    Do you know what you have that he doesn't? The capacity to love. You said so yourself - you love your boys so much, and the simple fact you can do that speaks volumes about the type of person you are and the future you will have. He doesn't have that. He's going to be miserable.

    I would go with the hostel - it sounds like you won't be there long - and decamp to your parent's house during the day. You've come this far; you can do it. You'll still be in one piece at the end ?

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  • L
    Beginner July 2003
    Lady T ·
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    Angel, I don't really know what to say, except that I feel for you, I really do, and hopefully you will come out of this a stronger person.

    Take care xx

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  • GinFizz
    Beginner August 2005
    GinFizz ·
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    God, what a shitty situation. So sorry you are having to go through this. I know how hard it will be but your husband really doesn't sound worthy of you, you seriously need to tell him you will not be treated like this, don't settle for crumbs. I think GWTW is right when she says go with the hostel and stay at your parents during the day. Surely you will not be made to stay there long.

    Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to as a single mother and I hope your H is at least giving you maintenance, if not, get it sorted.

    Your boys have you and that's all they really need at the moment, it sounds like you are being the best mother to them. Remember you are the one who stayed for them.

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  • BellaPasta
    Beginner
    BellaPasta ·
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    Why can't you rent privately without H, the housing benefit would cover most of the rent surely ?

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  • M
    mescared ·
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    Gawd Angel I wish I was there to give you a massive hug ? Please for one min don't think you have done anything to deserve this or bring it on. I just can't believe hes getting on like that with 2 lovely little boys and you in his life. I can totally relate to the kitchen floor experience, I was there when H told me he was leaving back in Jan.

    Please don't be sitting on your own at night, get your friends to come round, or call them, friends, proper friends will be there for you. I couldn't have got through this past 6 months without my friends irl and on hitched. Remember we are all here for you too.

    Have you seeked any legal advice for the housing situation, is H helping/paying with the bills etc? Pls don't lie down and let him walk over you, try and be strong and thats were friends/family help. You will get through this and we are all here for you. ?

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  • T
    Tarn ·
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    Me and you need to start a life is *** club!!

    Luckily there are no kids involved but my hubby informed me on Tuesday night that he no longer loved me and although he still cared for me he wanted to divorce, I am in a MESS, I feel lost and I just can't believe this is happening.

    My Mum has a malignant brain tumour and my Dad is her carer and my brother and SIL found out yesterday that the are going to have to abort there much wanted (several IVF's) baby as he has fluid on the brain, hole in the heart and kidney problems, SIL has got to give birth to him on Saturday, it's going to be awful.

    So if you need to scream, blub, rant and swear feel free to mail me, we can do it together

    Take care x

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  • Eric
    Eric ·
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    '...and have sod all to offer them apart from all the love in the world'

    This tells me you haven't hit rock bottom, even though it may feel like it.?

    You're obviously wasted on him and trust me I've realised what that means recently.

    So, go bankrupt - in a years time you wont recognise yourself. Let him go, you'll never be content with him - and nor will she

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  • A
    Beginner
    Angel1982 ·
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    Thank you everyone ?

    I think my next step is to go to the CAB to see what I am entitled to claim for. He has been giving me money weekly, but today is my last maternity pay so all I will get now is £130 per month child benefit plus what ever he gives me

    I really need to pull my finger out today and get on it. I had an OK ish nights sleep so am feeling a bit more positive this morning so will try to get an appt at the CAB

    ? Thanks for all your kind words xxx

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  • GinFizz
    Beginner August 2005
    GinFizz ·
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    You should really be claiming child tax credit now, unless I've got it wrong and you have a high household income. You will also be entitled to claim income support as a lone parent when your SMP stops. The claim can be made online. http://www.dwp.gov.uk/eservice/

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  • maxiemax
    maxiemax ·
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    ? how awful for you. Although you are at rock bottom now, the only way is up and honestly, you will get there.

    A long time ago my first husband walked out with another woman - I had 2 small boys and a baby on the way, and this other girl was due to have a baby the same day as me. Oh, and he had not been running our business properly and we were bankrupt.

    I got a council house (we only avoided a hostel because my 6 year old was disabled so we couldn't do stairs) on a rough estate and I too felt rock bottom - and was still grieving my marriage and loved my husband.

    But, (and its a big but!) all that has made me such a stronger person today - I knew the only person who was going to get my out of there was myself and whilst the children were young I did an OU degree (fee, as I was on benefits) and then was able to get a job when they got to school age. It wasn't easy on my own, but gradually I stopped caring about my ex-H who had after all shown little care for me and my children and I was able to move on and remarry etc, and now I have my own house, lovely children and know that I will always be so much better than my ex-H could hope to be.

    And so will you, even though things look dark now. I spent hours of my life planning step by step how to get myself away from where I had ended up, and you too will find that strength and your little boys will benefit from that as well.

    You are welcome to PM me if you just want to rant, I know it's hard now but it will get better.

    Max x

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  • A
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    Angel1982 ·
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    Maxiemax thank you that is a real positive story I hope I will be able to post something similar in the future!

    I haven't claimed any tax credits so far, thats another thing I need to sort out today. I need a rocket up my backside to crack on with it all

    ?

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