sorted now

Hi Hun, I think it's only fair to get him a present if his sister is getting one. We are getting my dad a gift for walking me down the aisle but also getting oh's dad one. He isn't doing anything, we just didn't think it was fair to give to one dad and not the other and they are nearly 50 haha!

No it was meant that someone whi I have seen other people having problems with also who feels the need to just put bitchy comments rather that any advice which was what I was after.

Here we go again. Everyone has said exactly the same thing to you, so who exactly is being bitchy?

Who said anything bitchy? ?

How is answering your question being bitchy? Or are we just not giving you the reply you wanted to hear?

I'm assuming she's talking about me? Although I cant see anywhere where I have said anything different to anyone else.?

I looked back through the thread and can't see anything bitchy! Maybe you should just stop posting trickers, people can't handle it ?

I can't work out if this is serious or not?!

No way - I've been here 3 years and I havent done anything wrong!?

This is ridiculous.

Not a single person in this thread has agreed with your opinion. You asked for advice here and you have been given it. Unanimously. I would be very interested to hear a valid argument for leaving this little boy out. If it was your daughter not wanting to be involved, would you leave her out of getting a present and sitting in the front row?! You are all going to be a family together and you should treat both children equally.

What does your H2B have to say about it?!

I think it's one of those brainfart moments when you ask something and then people state the obvious and you feel a bit embarrassed your train of thought led you to your original question?

That's what I'm putting it down to anyway...

Yeah, buy the kid a token. His dad's getting married and people are changing names and other crazy stuff. He's probably non plussed as to WTF it actually entails anyway.

Goodluck!

I think people just see your name Tricks and assume your being bitchy. *sigh*

It's a shame that grown adults don't know what the definition of bitchy is.

As an aside, with regards to your stepson, To me, it seems very unfair to not buy him something just because he refuses to take part in the day. He's still going be there on the day, and like you said, he's happy that your getting married. I imagine you'll still include him in all your photo's etc, so in a round about way, he's still part of the day, even if he doesn't walk down the aisle.

Not one person on this thread has been bitchy.

Every single person thinks it would be wrong to leave the six year old boy out.

You just don't like the answers you've received.

I'd love to hear who exactly you think has said bitchy comments because, quite frankly, this is getting ridiculous now.

You sound a bit peed off that hes not interested in your wedding. He's a 6 year old boy! Why would he be interested? I think it would be incredibly petty of you to treat him any differently to your daughter, hes just as important as your OH's son even if hes not part of the bridal party - in fact he is more important than best men and bridesmaids. Let him sit where he likes and yes, get him a present! My own son is not really interested in our wedding, he doesnt want to be a page boy, doesnt want to come with me to the ceremony and wants to sit with his cousin and wear his batman suit, but after me and OH hes still the most important part of the day!

?

Honestly?? Yes you are being unreasonable. I have 2 boys, one 10 and the other 8. My 8 year old has no interest in the wedding whatsoever, while my 10 year old cannot wait! My OH cannot wait to be married, but he also doesn't make a song and dance about it. Your step son is very young and its completley normal for him to be uninterested. I can understand why your OH is not happy. As for the gift I could never leave a child out its very unfair ?

The only bitchy action here is not buying the little lad a present.

I'm going to break a wee bit from the others ... but only a wee bit. I'm more curious as to why he doesn't want to be involved? Everyone's commented that weddings aren't as big of a deal for little boys as little girls, but given that he was involved in his mother's wedding, this is not something new to him. Perhaps he had a bad experience at her wedding; perhaps there's something else going on?

I find children at that age can be reticent about anything for a variety of reasons. It sounds like you wanted both your daughter AND your step-son involved and might be a little hurt that he has said no? Apologies if I'm misreading the situation, though I think feeling hurt would be natural reaction. As the adults and parents, however, I think you and your OH should try to speak with your step-son; explain why the day is so important to you; why he's so special and important to you; why you want him to be a part of the day; and then tell him that it's still okay if he doesn't want to participate but maybe he could tell you what's bothering him? This way, perhaps, you can allay any fears or anxieties he has? (Is this too much of a talk for a 6 YO? I agree that children should be given some choice over what they do, but given this event, some encouragement towards his involvement couldn't hurt?) (Perhaps also speak with his mother - if you have that type of relationship - and ask how he did in her wedding? Maybe she could even help you bring him on board for yours?)

In any event, if he is adamant about not being involved, I agree with the others that you can't treat your children differently. I understand that you might feel that by not wanting to be involved he shouldnt' be 'rewarded'. However, I think given the circumstances, you won't want the potential long-term consequences of his resenting you. I imagine he wouldn't quite put together why he isn't getting a present - thus feeling like he's being singled out - and even if he is able to put it together, he may feel resentful towards you, his father, and his step-sister.

agreed!

Thank you mag2fc, you have pretty much summed up where I was coming from, me and the OH talked about it last night and we are going to have a chat with him and see if we can get him to be involved as we both really want him to be. It was never about singling him out or being mean towards him I have loved, comforted him, read with him and done everything else that I do with my own child for the last 4 years and will continue to do this for the rest of his life. In regards to the bitchy comment, that was aimed at people literally writing your mean and thats it, I dont see how that is helpful in the slightest on a forum where you are meant to ask advice about something that you need help with. Im not bothered by other peoples different opionions, I wouldnt have posted the thread if I was and I'm glad I did as I had not thought about how it might make him feel singled out so eveyone that has posted about that have actually helped me so thank you.

I don't think you're mean if it's any consalation. Also being a parent is a different ball game entirely to being a step parent, so kudos to you for being a good one.

Glad you've broad shoulders and thick skin!

Yes, me too.

But can I just clarify that not one person responded with only the words 'you're mean'.

If you are referring to Tricks, her first post was a direct answer to your question of 'Am I being unreasonable'. She said 'Yes, you are being unreasonable, he is only 6'

How is this any different to what anyone else said? I really don't understand but this vendetta has got to stop.

Oh, let them carry on Kharv. It's entertaining.

If everyone says that I deserve it, can I have his present instead?

Thank you.x

I'm extremely late to the party but I feel like because I've read all the comments I must give my opinion for what it's worth.

So yes agree with the majority of you being unreasonable suggesting not buying him a gift.

Bitchy comments??? What??? Where??

Pleased to hear that you have sorted things now though - and glad to see that you found the comments helpful.

Sorry its so long but HTH

My son was an "mini Usher" for his Uncle about 10 yrs ago (So he'd be 8yo), When I asked him if he would be an Usher for our wedding, he replied "yes if thats what you want" but seemed very indifferent. Few days later a friend of ours had commented that my son had been overheard saying he was just going to be a "poxy usher" at our wedding. When we spoke to him about it he said that he felt he should have a more important role at his mums wedding than he did at his Uncle's and he had felt that being an usher for his uncle was A) pointless and B) just to keep him quiet and out of the way. I explained to him that there really wasn't many male "official" wedding party roles that he could have but It didn't make him any less important, but if there was anything he'd like to do we'd be happy for him to do it , even if it meant him dressing like a jester and having a flashing "son of the bride" badge !! - he's 18 now so I'll not repeat his reply to this (lol) We suggested ring bearer - he felt it was a little kids job, - suggested doing a reading- wasn't too keen , then he asked if he could make a "Son of the bride speech" as he felt he would be giving his mum away just as much as his grandad was giving his daughter away - so that is what he is doing.

Also, your post last night made me wonder what getting married and having a wedding actually means to a child, So I asked my 7yo daughter this morning "what was important about a wedding? answers - dress and rings, dancing and having a good time.....oh and pretty bridesmaids! ( said with her very cute smile) . There was no mention of us "officially" becoming a family and I suspect this is because she already feels we are anyway. Yet for me and my OH this is one of the reasons why we are doing it.

The point is, that what we perceive as important isn't always what children see as such.

Maybe your step son was bored to tears at his mums wedding. explain to him that he will be one of the most important people there. Maybe he should be the "mini best man" and stand at the top of the aisle with his dad then present the rings?? He'll feel like 2one of the guys " then, lets face it to a 6yo little lad, girls are a complete PITA so why would he want to walk down the aisle with them anyway !!

Good luck with finding the little lad a place as I'm sure he'll realise the importance of it when he is older.

L x