Unhealthy friendships

Yes. I'm currently trying to get rid of one of these without being explicit but she's not taking the hint. It's tough isn't it. I'd start distancing yourself. Can you start a low cost hobby to meet some new people?

Haha operation phaseout!! One good thing that's come from it is that it's made me get in touch more with friends that I love to bits that live where I'm from or abroad whereas I used to be a bit naff at texting/calling/emailing but I've made more of an effort after this.

I had a friend like this. She was a friend from school and it just went wthout saying that we would be each others bridesmaids. So, she was my MOH but as soon as we booked the wedding I had doubts about her and had plans to phase her out, We ended up bringing the wedding forward at very short notice so I didn't have to time to phase her out and was stuck with her. I wish I'd had the balls to ditch her!

She was a useless MOH and after the wedding she hardly made any effort unless she wanted a favour etc. I had a really bad time last year which she was fully aware of but still made no effort so December just gone I took the plunge and cleared the air with her. I told her we'd drifted apart and that whilst I was still happy to remain civil and shat to her if I see her etc I was going to delete her and all of her family from Facebook (they regularly used to arrange nights out via Facebook and always invited me because they felt like they had to so I just wanted to cut out the awkwardness).

Anyway, it was upsetting at the time as she really was the only close friend that I had but I am so, so glad that I did it now. You don;t need friendships like that in your life, all they do is drag you down. There are people in my life now that I haven't known for half as long as I knew her, but I would call them more of a friend than she ever really was.

You're close to me so we can be billy no mates and go out on the razz together ?

Yep me too....I've got a "friend" who ive known since school when we were best mates but then as the norm we drifted aparted when doing different college course. We met up again when she moved into the flats above the hair salon I worked in and asked for a job as she was finishing her maternity leave. We picked up where we left off and became inseperable from there! Her little boys dad was an a***ehole total waste of space and they split up as soon as they had him because she wasnt good enough for him then. He was horrible...would beat her up and terrorise her, she had a police and court injunction on him because he punched her in a local shopping centre but caught their son when he threw the second punch (little boy was 9 months old at this point) but the court gave him regular access so she couldnt get away from him. anyway he continued coming to her house beating her infron of the child but police would never do anything as not enough "evidence"!! She managed to move to a house so he didnt know where she was and they had a meeting point for the collection of their child. I would always get a phone call saying she'd be late for work as he hadnt turned up and it ended up that little boy would come to work with her which was fine because we all doted on him aswell as the clients. Kn*bHead would walk in few hours later to collect him! it then started getting worse on and off and when we left the salon we would see each other all the time and speak via tx alllll day and atkeast 2 phone calls a day...we were very close! He found out where she lived and actually turned up in a white van with 30 bloke who had baseball bats, crow bars and a gun just to scare her...all the blokes thought she'd been attacked and went mad when they found out he lied! once again police didnt do a thing so i collected her at 2am for her to stay at ours as she was frightened bless her. this became a weekly thing! i would go solicitors with her once or twice a week, stay with her at night, have her stay here. there were quite a few times where he would call her saying he was on his way round and she'd ring me in a panic so id drop whatever i was doing to collect her as the police never listened and i didnt want it on my shoulders that something happened to her. One day she ran out of the house in bare feet with lil boy (now 18 months) and hid under a motorway bridge because he was on his was round, i had my cousin staying the night so we quickly got ready (luckily it was 9am) and got her which my cousin loved because she idolises them and we just spent the day playing games and watching films, she stayed for dinner and i dropped her home at 9pm to get a tx at 11;30 saying she phoned an ambulance because she couldnt breath and could i go round, so once again i did to find she was having a severe panick attack and i ended up staying on the sofa. she then satrted having regular panick attacks for about 6 months and id go round every time! it got to the point where his family were threatening her so she ended up having to leave her house...again...and placing herself into a mum and baby unit as he had beaten her up so badly at the local shops whilst there little boy was watching (he was 2 yrs and a few months...fathers day last year) he threw her into windows..on ppls cars whilst they were in them as if she was a rag doll. I spent the whole weekend helpoing her move everything and quick before he found out! as she ahd gone to a mum and baby unit she was then deemed unsafe so had to be moved to a refuge further away which takes me an hour to get to (although i dont actually know where she is) but i would do this atleast once a week! she was obviously a bridesmaid but since christmas i never hear from her unless i tx her. the only time i hear something is if somethings happened and i can garuntee as soon as i see her name i know somethings happened. There is soooo much more that i've done for her but i would honestly need hours to list it!! I tx her a couple of months ago saying i was booking tickets for the national wedding show and did she want to come as all bms and my mum and auntie were coming so would be grt to have her there and all i got back was..."do i have to be there or not" that for me made me realise who my true friends are!! shes asked me twice how wedding plans are going and that was a week after we got engaged in october and then at christmas. my dad was diagnosed with cancer in october aswell (hes ok at the mo touch wood) and shes never asked me how he is or how i am.

You realise who your true friends are!!

sorry to of ranted but it actually feels soooooo good having it written down

Yes I did. I was friends with the girl who was supposed to be my MOh for about 8 years. I had done so much for her in that time emotionally and other wise. She got a boyfriend and just turned into a really selfish horrible person,she would just cut everyone off for about 8 weeks at a time, including her own mother(!) it got to the point that she was ruining the excitement leading up to my wedding, and I was finding myself in tears all the time, as she had let me down or hurt me again. I got really ill at one point and she didn't come to see me. I tried a few times to sort it out with her and just got apathy in return. In the end I did pretty much what HT did and told her that I had to cut all ties with her and her other friends (we had different circles), deleted her from facebook, and obviously didn't have her as my maid of honour! I havent seen or heard from her since. I did have a few weeks where I was really upset and hurt as we used to be really close and she was my only really close female friend, my other besties a boy! You just have to get rid of people that make you feel like rubbish though and the way I was letting her treat me was causing arguments between me and H so something had to give! He hates her and unfortunately bumped into her on his stag do when he was a little worse for wear!! Eeek!

The breaking point was when my Mum bought us both a night in a hotel for a treat leading up to the wedding and she didnt even thank ker , or bother to ring me about it. Just a text saying, Oh, thats nice. You can diss me but nobody upsets my little Mummy bear! I was furious! Needless to say we never had that trip! Grrr it still riles me nearly a year on! Its actually a year to the day on my birthday since I last saw her. Which is 2 weeks today. Weird...

Freudian Slip! ?

Hahaha yes, definitely! ?

I'm sorry but I dont think it's fair to compare you being there for your friend when she was going through all this sh*t to going to a wedding show?! She will have far more important things going on in her life; like keeping herself and her kid safe!

Admittedly, I have only skimmed through your post as man, it hurt my eyes! But, it sounds like you're the unhealthy part of that relationship - not your friend!

She must be going through an awful time and shame on you if you think that going to wedding show with you should be more important that the safety and well-being of her son. I'm sure that it's the last thing on her mind right now!

It sounds horrendous what your mate has gone through and yes it sounds like she couldn't have gotten through it without you, but can you imagine the after effects this trauma has had on her. It may appear to you that she is being selfish but if I had gone through half of what she had I'd be scared to leave the house! I think it is really unfair of you to question her loyality to you after what she has been through. Give her a break.

Bloody hell, paragraphs people, paragraphs!!

WTS. You don't seem to comprehend the lasting impact of going through an ordeal like that. It sounds very much like you're the bad friend, not her, if you can't have at least a little compassion.

I've experienced an unhealthy friendship. There was a girl I was best friends with from the age of 4 - we were more like sisters actually. When we were teenagers, we were really there for each other through a lot of bad times and looked out for each other very much. When we got a little older and went off to university, something just changed though. We drifted apart and became quite different people. I left my uni at the end of my first year because I hated it, moved back home and got a flat with my then-boyfriend and fell pregnant. She stayed on at uni, was very critical of me having a baby at 20 but we stayed friends. Gradually as she continued to further her career and my relationship fell apart, she became more and more critical of me to the point where it was actually just really draining constantly having to justify myself to her. I moved to London, went back to uni, had a new relationship and started to enjoy myself again, and she asked to come and stay with me for a month while she was on work experience in London. I agreed, but ended up regretting it. She never chipped in for food, borrowed (and never paid back) a couple of hundred pounds for travel costs, pleading poverty but then also going out to posh bars with work experience friends - and she was really rude to my friends from uni if they came round. Shortly after she left, I found out I was pregnant with S, and she was awful to me about it. She text me saying i should have a termination, and when I didn't reply, she got very shirty with me. A few weeks later, after I'd avoided her (and everyone!) for a bit while I got my head around being pregnant, I emailed her to wish her a happy birthday, congratulate her on her new job, ask how her new flat was working out, etc. She emailed back with nothing but "I'm afraid I no longer have any respect for you. Please don't contact me again".

That was 3 1/2 years ago and we haven't spoken since. On the one hand I'm relieved to be free of someone who had such a negative view of my life, but on the other I've been so heartbroken about losing a 20 year friendship, it's felt even worse than when my relationship with the ex fell apart. Planning my wedding and getting married without her there was really tough because it had always been a given that she'd be my MoH and her dad was going to walk me down the aisle. I still look in on her Twitter page every now and then, and it's nice to see that she's doing well, has a really awesome job and seems very happy.

CO that sounds awful - it seems you are better off without her if she thinks like that. Such a rude way to end the friendship too.

I have a friend who I no longer really want to be friends with but I'm clinging on to the person she used to be.

I dont like the way she conducts herself - she is married, has been for about 2 years yet she goes on weekends away with her friends ( who are mostly single) and ends up in situations with other men that I dont think are appropriate, for example...in a locked hotel room with two boys (they were about 19) who happened to be naked, with the chain on the door. when my friend banged on the door to ask what she was doing she wouldnt open the door. til they got the spare key and she had a go at them for embarrassing her.

She maintains 'nothing happened'

B***cks.

I'm really sorry, but I laughed at that. What on earth would possess a married woman to do such a thing?

Laugh all you want. I havent a clue what goes on in her head. She was diagnosed Bi-Polar about 5 years ago, had all sorts of problems (sleeping with work mates while with her now husband) and sometimes i think she uses it as an excuse to act like a complete sl*g.

She was 18 when she met her H and now she is nearly 27 I think she feels she settled down too young and wants to go out and sl*g it about. I really dont want to spend time with her when she is being like that.

I don't blame you.

When I was around 17/18, I had a friend who was of larger build. She was very attractive, but she thought the only way she could "get blokes" would be to sleep with them. She thought that because she was fat, people wouldn't like her for anything else. She's the same age as me. I remember the first time she slept with a guy - she'd only known him for 2 weeks, but she thought the way to keep him was to give him what he wanted. He didn't stick around. She kept repeating the same mistake over and over. Every single time she would come crying to me wondering why it was happening, and I would keep telling her why, but she'd still keep doing it.

She never listened to me and, in the end, I got fed up with the way she would drop me for a new man, and come to me when that new bloke dropped her. As a person, I don't really confide in friends. I don't talk about my feelings etc; I'm quite a closed book. But there was a time when I just really needed her, but she just wasn't around. So I figured if she didn't need me, then I didn't need her either. We don't see each other or speak anymore and that's fine, because you grow up and drift apart.

She's married now, so she obviously found love, which is good. Likewise, I'm getting married and I found love. It's quite sad, because 10 years ago, she would have been the person I'd most want to be my bridesmaid. Funny how things & people change!

Hello! Don't often post on OT but this struck a chord with me. Currently going through "operation phaseout" myself but from the other side!! Been friends with a girl since we were small but she's one for the drama which used to be fine but I'm getting more and more tired of it as years go by. I split up with my ex coming up for 3 years ago and was a complete mess of a person for about a year (also found out I was pregnant and had a miscarriage post break up so my head was all over the shop). Another friend also broke up with a long term bf at the same time so we used to go out and get hammered most weekends. She's never been a big drinker but we used to invite her out every time. She would come and then say how trashy we were for getting drunk and how no one respected us for it blah blah blah.

She stopped talking to me for a while even though I kept trying to keep in contact. I then moved away due to a new job and when I sorted myself out a bit I eventually got her to meet me and explained that I was sorry she felt embarrassed by me and I missed her and I then got a 30 minute lecture on how selfish I was and how I didn't put her first and how glad she was that I had finally come to my senses and admitted it. Bit harsh. I ignored it to keep the peace and when her mum got ill I went round hers every time I came home and rang her every week for an update but she rarely answered calls or texts. Which is fine, she had other stuff on her mind, but then on fb she came up to London every weekend with work mates and never let me know. It's now got to the point where if I come home she cant come out cos of her mum but then why can she go away for the weekend?? Doesn't make sense to me. Through all of this I met my OH and when I told her we got engaged I got an update on her mum as a response. No congratulations or anything. Again I ignored it and sent through a save the date to her. Ended up asking if she got it as I hadn't heard anything and she just replied "yes". Recently seen a lot of statuses about how people are rubbing their happy lives in her face and how they should have more respect. Her mum is fine now by the way, our friendship however is not. Can't find it in me not to invite her to the wedding at all but she's been downgraded to the evening. Won't be holding my breath she turns up at all. Much rather we had a air clearing convo but she rarely speaks to me and I know I would spend the whole time crying anyway cos I'm a big baby. Glad to see that others felt better afterwards though. That has cheered me!! Onwards and upwards!!

Sorry for the long post. Probably bored you all to tears now haha

After reading this, I realise that in some cases of recent 'friendship break-ups', I may have been that person who needed to be phased out. I like my own company and generally am a rubbish texter/emailer and have only really kept in touch with 1 person from Sussex.

Must try harder...

I had a friend who I was really close to. I told her things that I couldn't tell anyone else, and we always had a great time together. But she was so unreliable it drove me crazy. She would say she was meeting me somewhere, and then not turn up, without so much as a text. If I text her to ask if she was coming, she wouldn't reply. Sometimes she would text me 3 hours later with some feeble excuse such as 'sorry, I fell asleep and I've just woken up' at 10pm.

When we did go out, I had to look after her. She frequently lost her phone, money or keys on nights out and I would dedicate the remainder of the evening walking round looking at the floor. She couldn't handle her drink and I spent one halloween sitting outside a macdonalds drive through freezing in a bunny costume, as I had given my friend my coat, trying to get her vomit out of her hair. I wouldn't mind, but I never got so much as a thank you.

We went on holiday together, then after we got back she started seeing a new guy. Since then she has made no effort to stay in touch. She doesn't reply to messages, so I've given up. I sent her a message inviting her out on one occasion and she told me she needed to rest because she had a family thing the next day. I thought this was fine, until I saw her facebook status saying she was going out! I just think it's rude.

No im not comparing it at all, my point was after everything she went through and everything id one for her by being there for her...once its all over she doesnt want to know me anymore, literally everything is over for her now which is brill onviously but now i dont hear from her because she doesnt need me. my point was i felt used after caring about her so much...but obviosuly im a "bad friend" for wanting a continuous relatiosnhip and not wanting to only hear from her when times are hard....i hoped we would be friends for years and she would be excited for me but obvoiously thats "wrong"

Playing devil's advocate here, but perhaps you don't hear from her because you're planning your wedding, being very happy and excited and she's STILL dealing with the fallout of her very abusive relationship falling apart.

It's very difficult to be around happy people in healthy relationships when you've been through stuff like that. Don't write her off because she's not bouncing and squeeeing with you.

I dont think I would ever feel like myself or safe again. I would be a paranoid wreck.

To be fair I completely agree with this!! And i didnt mention the wedding at all because i didnt want to upset her or rub her nose in it after everything but then i found out another one of her friends (whos shes met since her little boy started nursery which was last sept), is getting married and shes been helping her out with it all and even tx me saying oh that wedding exhibition was good wasnt it. when i asked how she new she said because they went the day before i did which is why i was gutted aswell. I think i just felt like i was no good to her anymore now everything thats happened is over (touch wood) and now shes met new people which again is brilliant its like we dont exist anymore.

WSS.

Sorry i genuinly thought that was in the first post. I would never expect her to feel herself again because know one ever could from what shes been through but out of a group of us not one other person has bothered with her which i went mad over because we can all go and see her...its not as easy for her to come and see us as she doesnt drive but she alwasy arranges nights out with a few of them without involving me and a couple of others. it sounds strange but its like she kept a couple as her "fun" friends and then me as her "shoulder to cry on" which is fine as ill always be there for her. then the others she doesnt bother with as they dropped her when it all happened so shes completely in her rights of doing that. I was picking her up to bring her to see her mum because she couldnt get here any other way as like i said she doesnt drive. When it was my bday i had a family bbq & she invited some of her family without out telling me untill they were knocking on the door, some of who i dont know as she wouldnt see them other wise but i didnt mind doing that because she was my best mate who had been through such a HUGE ordeal but now i literally dont hear a thing from her. i kind of brushed it over my shoulder to start with because i thought she must be finding it difficult and tried to seperate herself but then i found out last week the friends that dropped her she was arranging nights out with.

Maybe she is distancing herself from you as it brings back all those bad memories for her; not that you did anything wrong. I would suggest just being there if she contacts you and/or giving her a call once a month to check in on her.

Friendships work both ways so dont give up on her.

thats what i thought to begin with but then couldnt understand it when she was meeting up with old mates but i just brushed it off. I alwasy ring her and tx her but try to once a week atleast and i always get the same yeah we're fine but im always making sure the contact is still there so she doesnt feel forgotten about

You mean you managed to read all of that?! ? My eyes and my head hurt enough already today.

Please - PARAGRAPHS! It's so difficult to read what you've written without getting a headache and giving up.

? we can start a billy no mates of the west midlands club!!

Exactly this.

Counted! *starts designing a logo and tshirts for the billy no mates club*

I agree with the necessity for paragraphs as its hard reading through (especially on my phone) will have to make sure I remember this when posting!