what am i going to do?

Wow!

You're not being bridezilla at all!! I think that's awful of your sister. You shouldn't have to ASK your sister to be there, it should just be something that happens.

I'm not surprised you're upset. I would probably ask your mum/brother to talk to her. Maybe they can get some sense out of it?

No. Poor you, she is being very unfair. You said she is having marriage issues, is the subject just a bit raw for her at the moment? Hopefully when you have planned everything, she will realise she cant miss it. I would give her her space at the moment, let her know you would really like her there but dont push too hard now hopefully she has plenty of time to come round.

I'm really sorry to read this. Give your sister a bit more time to get used to the idea of your wedding and speak to her again. You say she is having marriage difficulties and this may well be the cause of her reluctance. I do feel for you though, we had a couple of close friends decline in response to our save the date cards and it is disappointing.

The unfortunate thing I've learned from my time on here and in planning my own wedding is that the reactions of those closest to you about your plans aren't always what you would hope for or expect. The cliché is that wedding planning brings out the best and worst in people. My sister is (hopefully!) coming to my wedding but has shown much less interest in the plans than any of my friends, for example.

The only other thing I could suggest for you is to consider if there is anyone else in your family who she and you are both close to, and who could have a word with her about it?

Do try not to let it spoil your planning. A lot can happen in 18 months.

How terrible. No, you are not asking too much or being a bridezilla at all. I think she is being very insensitive. I would let her know how much she has upset you and maybe she will have a change of heart.

Me and my brother are really close and hes the first person i called to tell him what Julie had said and he said he was going to talk to her - i told him not to because i know his "talking" is "shouting" and thats not helping. My mother (who me and my OH live with) said that she wasnt surprised because she has always been selfish when it comes to anyone elses happiness.

The only thing is do i WANT her there when she obviously doesnt want to be? Part of me wants to beg her to come but the other half thinks why the hell should I?

My uncle is coming from south Africa! some other relatives will travel from Australia. i have friends in Germany and Kuwait who are travelling over, but she wont come from Cambridge? I just don't get it

OH family are travelling up from Derby and Hove, so i dont see why its such an issue for her :'(

You're not being bridezilla at all, and it's completely understandable that you're really upset. A lot can happen in 18 months though, she may well come round and realise how important this is and want to be a part of it. For now, I'd say stick with your brother and enjoy being excited with him!

While i would be really upset she probably will come, if only because if all those people are travelling it would look really bad on her if she didn't. Enjoy the reaction from your brother and mum and focus on the people who are made up for you (but rant here whenever you need to!)

That is shocking behaviour. I am very black and white in situations like this. I would write to her and tell her that she has made her position clear and that you will not be extending her an invitation as a result but also make it clear how upset you are about it and the reasons why. Then leave it at that.

She's never been a fan of my OH - she says he's fat an unattractive and i can do better, but i think were pretty much suited and have been togetehr 9 years almost (december 6th) and yeah hes overweight but i fancy him and love him so why should it matter? Shes been trying to set me up with guys since i met him

she's actually not a very nice person so im not THAT surprised, but i thought she would look past that and remember that this is a time to be happy, but no she put on her FB about 10 mins ago that she was going to book her 2013 holiday and i know its because my niece will WANT to be a flowergirl. and even if she didnt go, maybe she could let my brother bring my niece but i cant see that happening.

I suppose it was too much to ask that she change her me me me me ME attitude for once in her life

That must have been a shock for you. Is there any reason why you are not close as you mentioned? Is there sibling rivalry on her part? I hope she comes round and also sorts her own marriage issues.

I'm so close to doing that, but im afraid i would never see my niece if i did

She's just always been like this. When we were kids if i got anything she would NEED something too and if for one minute the focus was not on her she would do something to make sure she was. when I lost my little girl 2 years ago (she was very premature) she complained because people seemed to forget that she had "ALIVE" children and nobody seemed to care about that. At that point there was basically no closeness left between us left. My parents and my brother refused to speak to her, but i know she CANT have meant anything by it and i dont like to fight so i look over it.

she's the baby of the family and behaves that way

You most certainly are not being a bridezilla. Your sister obviously has issues herself with regard to her own marriage and I understand how she would be sensitive over anything weddingy, but to deny your niece the opportunity to be a flower girl is rather selfish to say the least. If it were me, i would speak to her, pointing out how you helped and supported her in her wedding, inform her how hurt you feel with her reaction and leave her to reflect on it. Then move on a focus on those who are positive about about your wedding planning. let us know how you get on fellow Northumberland bride x

I had a very similar reaction from my sister actually, I had asked her to be a bridesmaid and her response was... Not only did she not wish to be a BM, but that she wouldn't be able to attend.

My sister has just gone through a very tough divorce, she hasn't dealt with it very well and so feels that she can't handle weddings.

Perhaps your sister is feeling very low at the minute? I am not justifying her repsonse in any way, I know I was upset and angry with my sister initially, but as I calmed down I realised that she is a very unhappy person at the moment and doesn't need anymore pressure. Maybe leave it a while before speaking to her about it again as she might realise that she has been unfair to you.

My sister has now decided that she will be attending, although it has taken 9 months for her to change her mind!!!

She sounds delightful!! I agree with Trixylou, I think that you should tell her that's okay if she doesn't want to come and carry on planning your day with those around you who care about you and are happy for you.

Wow.. your sister is being totally unreasonable. You should tell her that you feel she's being unreasonable but its her wish if she doesn't want to come for that petty reason. She sounds bitter. The bitterness might go away soon so keep the option open for her as long as you can. Let her know she'll still have a place at the wedding until you come to count the final numbers etc.

I'd be pleased she wasn't coming with that kind of attitude, she would only spoil your day.

Porche - yes i know what you mean, knowing Julie she would probably just fake a fainting fit or something while im trying to say i do. When we attended my gran's funeral she had to cry louder than everyone else just that people looked at her.

OMG you poor thing, you lost your wee baby girl and all she could think about was herself?! Im sorry if im speaking out of turn but why on earth would you want anyone that poisonous at your wedding? You dont need people like that spoiling your big day. Id just ignore her and carry on with the planning. x (if someone does me wrong then i can cut them out my life no problem - im quite hard hearted that way im afraid)

... I'm shocked by that. I'd be very slow to express on opinion on here about someone I don't know but that would be the end of it for me. totally unacceptable from any friend or relative but especially your sister.

see that's more or less what everyone else did, within my family she is basically shunted and cast out because of it. they have never forgiven her and i haven't in a very big way, but she's my sister and i keep thinking there must be good in her somewhere because there's good in the rest of us and nobody can be THAT poisonous. her and my OH are like fighting dogs when they're in the same room - also his family despise her and maybe its best she's not there, but at the very least i want my niece there. looks like that isnt going to happen

Seriously? I think I'd be breathing a sigh of relief if she wasn't coming if she's like that. I can only imagine how it has made you feel, but hopefully she will come around. As others have said a lot can happen in 18months and if others talk to her and make her see how you feel, she may yet come around. Good luck.

i am so sorry if i upset you with my use of the word poisonous but i really couldnt contemplate having someone there who is so hell bent on ruining things. you would never be able to relax and enjoy your day for fear of her starting one of her tantrums x

No. poisonous is about right. my OH refers to her as "The poisonous dawarf of camebridge"

you're right i think. shes going to cause so many problems if she attends. I'll miss my niece though - i COULD ask her father if he would give his permission for her to attend - if J isn't coming i might very well invite him (I went to school with him) then she wouldn't need to come.

Maybe you ought to take heed? If other people can see how awful she is in these situations you shouldn't force her on them.

I just want to say, my friend got married in August and her mum didn't turn up.

She's never been on great terms with her mum (her mum has called the police on her, made up stories about her, been violent towards her etc) but when she sent out invites for her wedding, her dad and brother convinced her to invite her mum. She never came.

It didn't matter though, she still had an amazing time and everyone who cared were there.

My point is, it doesn't matter how we are "connected" to someone, it takes more than just blood to be a friend.

Certain element of truth in this......

I'd be extremely upset & disappointed that she is refusing to make effort for you on your special day & allow her daughter to be part of the celebrations - it is ONE day of your life and its sad she cant put her own feelings aside for one day.

But as others said, and its easier said than done but please continue planning your wedding as you wish to do so & dont let it burst your wedding bubble.

Thanks guys. Im not going to let her spoil things for me.

she's not very nice to anyone and would probably ruin things given the chance. I'll have a good time and i'm sure my wedding will be a million times better than hers lol - she was a VERY demanding bridezilla bride and sent out "instructions" about what colours people were not allowed to wear because it might clash with her theme, or worse still coordinate with her theme - something i never really understood.

I don't know where your wedding is, but nowhere in the UK is really "too far to travel" given enough notice.

She doesn't sound like she's very nice at the best of times, but it might just be she's having a really difficult time. I would back off, maybe let her raise the topic next time, and then if she still hasn't reconciled herself by the time you send out invites, send her one and let her decide. If she doesn't want to come, it's not your fault at all.

She would need to travel about 200 miles i think

my uncle is traveling 5,630 miles plus the 300 miles from london up here. thats about 29 times the distance.

her behaviour isnt new tbh, its how shes always been. im not terribly surprised

I guess the only concilation is that you know now, and have time to prepare your mind. And if she does change her mind, then bonus.

tbh after a 2nd thought and everything i dont think i will be inviting her. i think she will cause trouble and if she doesnt want to be there im not going to make her. she moaned at me her whole wedding because i was ruining her pics because i was fat (not fat, 6 months pregnant) and didnt dance much (i danced a bit but try dancing with a 6 month foetus dancing around in your belly at the same time in the 4 inch heels she INSISTED i wear cos i was too short and stumpy.)