What should marriage really be like?

?

I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer really, I'm more likely to be able to tell you what it shouldn't be like. However from what you've said the crux seems to be that you have become a bit resentful of him, in the sense that you feel he doesn't support you enough in the day-to-day stuff.

He seems willing to talk about it and perhaps if you could both come to a workable plan re: chores, then things might improve and then you'd have a bit more time to devote to the relationship too.

I wouldn't give up on the marriage for the reasons you've given - although feeling like you've got a brother/sister relationship is a bit worrying, but that could change if you feel better about all the other stuff.

Edited in case H lurks on here later (which I think he might be)

But the offer still stands if you want to talk to someone ?

By that, I meant that I care about him - there's affection there, but I'm not sure I'm 'in love' with him anymore and there's not much sexual attraction (from my side - I know there still is from his side).

I don't know if this would improve/change if other issues were resolved, or whether it's too late for that!

Hmm.. very tricky question! No easy answers really are there. I'm married with children, I work, been with hubby for over 10 years, so I can understand how sometimes you feel more like companions, I think everyone can go through that stage. I also think you probably know that the grass isn't always greener.

I think perhaps a proper discussion away from the children might help... It's not that helpful for you to spill your soul to your hubby and have him say, however nicely, 'perhaps you'd better find someone else then' - that's a bit of a cop out on his side.

You sound like there's still a lot left there to work with. I think you both owe it to yourselves and your shared past to work a bit harder to see if it really can work.

I think you need to give your relationship an overhaul. As suggested earlier, you've probably developed slightly separate lives and you need to look at ways to do things together, develop more shared interests.

I'm lucky in that I've got a fab marriage but we also have separate lives (a lot through necessity as H works away a lot) but our "togetherness" means that we can do mundane chores together and still have a laugh and a flirt. Our sex life has dwindled dramatically due to work/family and illness pressures but we both know that we fancy each other and love each other and are happy.

Try and make a few small changes (big ones can be hard to sustain) but really change, rather than just nodding your head to it. He needs to do more for you and value you more, maybe there are things that he needs from you that you're not aware of? Give yourselves a time limit to review the changes and see where you are from there.

Good luck.

I don't have the answers but can offer complete support and understanding- I think like this quite a lot and worry that we shouldn't be toegether, but then wonder if actually this is quite normal. Like you, been together since 16, together for 10 years married for 2. The whole 'seeing him as a friend' thing needn't neccessarily be bad- I feel so comfortable with my H and know I can always be myself, like with a best friend. I think with a marriage it is easy to get stuck in a rut and they say you have to work at it, this is what I am trying.

I just think that grass wouldn't be greener. Not suggesting you should stay if you are unhappy, but I try to think about what would happen if I did leave- I know that I would be really unhappy without him so that answers it for me.

Interested to see others views on this.

You know....resentment is such a pig in a relationship. I have been friends with my H for 10 years, together for about 6 and married for 2 next Tuesday. I sometimes feel like you that we are the closests as friends, but sometimes the "other" bits are not always there.

It was worrying me alot tbh...but we talked and I realised for us this works, we have bad times but a shedload of good ones. And even then the bad for us isn't really that bad, just a blip.

I think you need to ask yourself do you want more? Are you happy with this? take out the bad feeling over cleaning/household stuff...could you spend the next x years living with this person and sharing your life with them?

i have found marriage isn't easy, but i would not swap what I have for anything. As Jozzym says it's so easy to get stuck into a rut, I have to say though I think it's a positive that you are communicating and being calm about this. Not many people can do that!

I think part of the problem is that I can't give H what he wants either. He wants the physical closeness and a sexual relationship, but other than the odd cuddle, I really don't enjoy that side of things and don't feel like I want to be physical with him!?

I don't know whether this all boils down to the feelings of resentment that I have, whether it's pujrely a lack of sexual attraction, whether it's just that I'm tired and stressed with a million things to think about/do other than that. I kind of feel like if we could rekindle that side of things the situation might improve, but at the moment I just don't ever really feel 'turned on' or sexually aroused in any way. We do sometimes manage to do something, but it's more a case of me just letting him because I feel a bit guilty or just to stop him pestering me! Maybe it's because I feel like I've given all my energy and attention and emotion to the children - I just have nothing left? I really don't know, but the lack of action - and lack of inclination - is certainly not helping!

God, I hope there's nobody I know IRL reading this........?

Hmm... well could you get a cleaner or delegate chores to the kids (if they're old enough) so you don't resent doing housework on top of your job.

This may be TMI but...........

I have a fairly low sex drive and most of the time (if I'm honest) I'm not really bothered about sex but having it regularly really makes a difference to how I feel about H and I think it's very important to have it even when I'm not really in the mood. (And generally I get 'in the mood' during the event iyswim!?) If you can have regular sex it may help you to see your H more as your lover and husband than your companion.

I think you've got yourself into a vicious circle over the sex thing - you feel stressed and resentful, so you don't want to have sex, then you feel guilty about that, which adds to the stress and resentment... I know, I've been there! The good news is that it can be broken.

I may be proved wrong, but I'm not seeing anything here that can't be fixed. I think as a starting point he needs to help you out more so that you don't feel so strung out, and you need to de-prioritise some of the mundane stuff (after all, no-one's head is going to fall off if the hoovering isn't done ?).

You say you have fun when you're away from home, which tells me that you need to make living at home more fun. Maybe if you can do this, you'll find the spark is still there - and if it really isn't, at least you've given it a good shot.

I think this is absolute nail on the head stuff. I am pretty sure now that I'm not going to be able to rescue my marriage and it's breaking both of our hearts as we come to terms with this realisation (me a little faster than him, sadly). I'll always wonder whether we could have made it work if we'd put a bit more work into JUST DOING IT (in the sort of words of nike), because it's now nearly 2 years since we last did it, and it's too late- I don't think I can ever do it again with him. too much bad feeling, confusion, and repulsion (which is the horrid side effect of my own self-preservation mentality).

I don;t think it sounds like you guys have come to the end of your relationship clairebecky, but it sounds like you're both ready to enter a new, hopefully more enlightened and satisfying chapter. Happt to chat anytime. Don't be blue lovely girl. ?

I can't give you an answer because I could have written your post.I'm very much confused as to whether we have real relationship problems or I'm just unrealistic.Although if I've honest with myself I know there are real problems but I just don't seem able to make a step towards splitting up or bringing it into the open.The idea of seperating feels unreal if that makes any sense.

I tell myself every day we are more like housemates who happen to have children together.Sex? Well I gave up keeping note after 5 months.

I've been trying to get the nerve to have it out with him for well over a year now, but not found the courage.

I think we did have 1 very dry spell a few years ago that lasted about 7 months! At the moment though we are managing about once per week or so at least, more on holiday usually, so it's not got that bad yet I don't think.

It seems these types of feelings aren't uncommon then? I sympathise with everyone else who is having similar issues.?

We just seem to not have a great deal in common. I am fairly active lately, like exercising & getting out into the fresh air. I also like reading & studying etc. I also don't eat meat and eat fairly healthily. H is the complete opposite. He is a bit of a couch potato, seems to want to spend most of his time watching TV or playing on the computer. he doesn't read at all, and only stayed at school up till he was 16, so doesn't really know what it's like to have lots of studying to do (I am starting a doctorate in Sept) and the added stress this brings.

Whenever we go out with friends if ends up being a complete piss up and all night session, and I just feel like I am growing out of that. I need to preserve my brain cells! I'd like to start growing up a bit and doing some different things.

Oh, I don't think I really know what I want!?

Hi CB,

I sympathise with you in every way as I could have written your posts word for word right down to the holiday next week!! The only diff is i feel exactly like you apart from H is pretty good at helping me round the house. I was gonna write a similar post but have had probs logging in so have been reading the replies you have recived with great interest.

Please don't quote me anyone as i know ppl here IRL and will more than likely delete this later.

H and I have been going through rough patch for a while now and its getting to the point that i feel we should seek professional advice on our marriage and sex life, the major prob we have is we want to have another baby soon and while this is not ideal while we feel this way i also think it will help me with a few other issues i would rather not mention.

I know deep down i love my H and he loves me but as we have been together for 10 yrs and married for 3 I think its safe to say we have become one of those couples stuck in a rut.

Good luck x