wish I wasn't posting this

First off, poor you - how's the original injury / are you hurt from the kick?

Is this completely out of character for him - has he been aggressive to you before (not just physically, has it been verbal?)

And no, being shocked / stunned / lost is not over reacting.

Poor you. He shouldn't kick you at all and the fact that you were injured makes it even worse. How's the first injury? Are you feeling a bit better than you were?

I.don't.think.you're.overreacting.at.all.

I.would.be.devestated.if.my.H.did.anything.like.that.and.also.slightly.concerned.that.he.is.trying.to.downplay.it.

As.KJX.said.is.this.out.of.character.forhim.or.has.he.been.agressive.before?

?

The original injury is throbbing but basically ok and my back is fine so he hasn't 'actually hurt me' iyswim.

No its not the first time hes behaved in this sort of way, which I know makes me a mug. But its always so 'minor' it seems stupid throwing away a marriage, home, depriving the children of their dad. Eg hes never punched me but now and again during a row has shoved me. Does that make sense?

Blimey, I'm not surprised that you're feeling hurt and confused - I don't think you're overreacting at all.

Hope you're ok ?

I don't think you are overreacting. ?

The others make much sense, please listen to them.

Take care lovely. ?

It's often the thin end of the wedge though. At the very least you need to sit down with him and ask him to seek help. From the very limited information you've given us, I don't think this will be the last time this happens.

I hope you are ok!

I agree with everyone else, I would feel exactly the same as you!

I hope you work out what to do!

Quite. So, over a period of time, his behaviour has escalated? What if it escalates more? You need to get some help/advice.
What would you do if he behaved like this towards one of your children?

L
xx

Thanks all. He has point blank refused to any sort of help/counselling etc. I did give him an ultimatum once and he managed about a year without doing anything but that seems to have slid backwards now.

I don't think he is going to get any worse but I am fed up of trying to persuade myself that its not 'too' bad. Then again its not really really awful like you hear about some poor women suffering. I went on a domestic abuse website (am at work) and hardly any of it applied to me.

Easy for me to say, not being in your situation, but you do need to ask him to get help.

You don't want this to esculate.

I agree with Baron. They may seem small and stupid little things but they all add up and this clearly isn't out of character.

Would you allow him to hit the children or shove them during an argument?

Why would you assume it won't get worse when it just has?

L
xx

There.are.differenet.levels.of.abuse.and.just.because.what.was.on.the.website.didn't.apply.to.you.abuse.is.still.abuse.in.my.book.

I almost quoted you then. You are rationalising in your head his behaviour. You will keep doing this every time it gets worse you will sweep it under the carpet.

What happens when he lashes out at the kids? If he hasn't already there may come a day when he does.

I know I am sounding harsh and its very easy for me to comment when I am not in your shoes but how much are you going to take before you realise that you deserve better and that he has absolutely no right to treat you in that way.

You say you are on domestic abuse website and that 'hardly' any of it applies to you. The fact that even some of it applies to you is bad.

Is there a number on the website that you could contact for advice?

To be blunt, I think you're a little in denial over this. As Lois rightly points out, there has already been an escalation in his unacceptable behaviour. If he won't seek help, then you should.

These are some examples from the Women's Aid website as what they see as domestic violence:

What are the signs of domestic violence?

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
• Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.
• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

Sorry for also going anon, but I have a similar situation. When H and I REALLY argue, which isn't very often, he has been known to get right into my face shouting... it is very intimidating. He has pushed me a few times, and like you thought although it was not acceptable, it is a bit of an over reaction to leave over something so 'trivial'. We argued badly on Friday night in bed. H was annoyed because his son was in the next room and didn't want his son to hear me having a go at him, so H's way of stopping me from shouting was to throttle me! Now similarly to you, it didn't hurt or leave any marks, but it was the act itself that I found so shocking.

Next day we talked about it and H apologised, said he was ashamed and we made up. I am a bit suprised that he has taken it all in his stride, and dosen't seem as ashamed about it as I think he should be. I have told him that under NO circumstances must he do anything violent to me again, it is not negotiable. I have heard too many times from reading about domestic violence that it begins as push and shove and can progress to real injury. So that is where I stand on the subject, and if I were you I would have a similar discussion with your H.

Take care of yourself. I understand the shock you are going through right now. If you need to talk more, you can contact me?

Not acceptable and I hope he gets some help. Hope you're ok.

Good question. Thinking about it, it is the only time he has ever kicked me, but it doesn't feel any worse than any of the other stuff. Which to put it in context is six times that I can particularly remember over ten years.

Alsoanon ?

Thankyou everyone for letting me get this out. I have never discussed it with anyone irl - I wouldn't know where to start, they would think badly of my H for evermore even if we get through this, it could affect his career/salary/pension all of which would be bad for the children.

I get to a certain point of planning/dreaming about splitting up but we have worked so hard to provide a lovely stable family home and I don't want to lose that. One of my children was born at home, we are so settled in the neighbourhood, I don't want to take that away, because of something thats not my fault. Then we have a period of total normality and it seems like a far away bad dream and then today it crashes back onto me. arrrggghh

As someone has already said you are living in denial and he needs to know what he is jeopardising just as much as you. How you are feeling, about your nice little life, the street your little one was born on - and not wanting to lose these things is emotional blackmail. You are afraid of losing them and this is being used against you to keep you from rebelling against it. Whether he is using it against you or not.

Paint the perfect little world you live in but as you say, he is going to keep crashing it down for you until you make a stand.

Anonalso has a very good point. Draw a line in the sand that you both know where it is and if he crosses it - he a) gets help or b) leaves you and the kids.

Why would you need to take that away from you or your children , there is no need to stay in a relationship like this because of a home , i left gary in the middle of the night once after setting myself up in a new home , i am not saying that your H will become the same but it does start with shoving and the odd slap and kick and intimidating behaviour but what would happen to your children on the day he does take it too far and you end up in hospital or worse

he needs to get help or you need to get out , thankfully me and gary worked through it and worked it out but i and he knows if he ever lifted a finger to me again to even poke me he would be gone and he knows it

there has to come a time when you stand up to him and show him his behaviour wont wash , you may not think it is affecting the kiddies as they are young or whatever but believe me it does , speaking to josh now he remebers a lot more than he let on and he was only aged 3-5 when this happened and its not nice knowing your child knows more than you think , he never saw the slaps or the kicks but he saw the marks afterwards and that was enough.

i hope you can work things through but dont stay for the sake of a home , a home can be made anywhere , you are obviously worried or you wouldnt have posted here and you would have shrugged it off as one of those things and i think you know in your heart of hearts it is worse than you think and its become more than 'one of those things'

if you ever need a chat you can mail me i wont say who you are on here you have gone anon for a reason and i understand that , both of you not just the OP

Hitched can be a fantastic source of advice in times of trouble. But, as with all internet sources, advice can be muddled and even wrong, with the potential of doing more harm than good.

Emmotional blackmail ?

How can he be using it against her and not using it against her at the same time ?

There is nothing wrong with wishing for the good parts of your life to continue, whilst fighting to reslove the bad parts.

? You sound just like me 6 months ago

I was constantly excusing his behaviour - putting it down to stress/work etc, but it was just him. Its only now he's out of the house do I realise just how abnormal the whole relationship was - behaviours become the norm after a while.

I think he needs to realise just how serious and wrong his behaviour is and he cant do that if you make light of it.

I too worried about all the things you're thinking about - the kids/house. But now I'd rather live in a garden shed in rags than live another day with him.

Hope you find some resolution and Womans Aid are wonderful, you could do worse than give them a ring.

As a child who had a father who did all the above, and more, I can honestly say life was awful. And it still is as now we, as a family, are all still suffering.

One of the questions I frequently asked Mum (and still wish I had the answer for) was why didn't she leave him? Her answer was to keep the family together. That it was 'better the devil you know', that life without him might be far worse, that she did it for 'you children, to keep you together'.

I won't go into how just typing that last sentence makes me feel, but needless to say I wish she hadn't.

Sure, materialistically we were well off, but at what cost? Besides, things were always used as punishment anyway. Given with one hand, taken with another.

What happens when he starts on your children? Do your children witness his behaviour, or feel the atmostphere. My brother (not the one I've been posting about recently, my other one) who is married with 3 kids, now replicates our Dad's behaviour as that is how he was taught to behave. He swears, he hits, he calls his children sluts and whores and cnuts. His daughters that is. His son - well I won't go there. They are beautiful children (young adults now), but they're binge drinking, smoking, had under-age sex .. and that's the stuff I know about. Sure, I was no angel, but I'd hoped for more for my nieces and nephew.

What I'm trying to say is very often, the parental behaviour is learnt and passed on. It's the reason I chose not to have children myself.

It's easy for us to say leave him, report him, insist he gets help. I've seen it from the inside. Just be careful and get some help for you and your children before it gets out of hand.

How can you know that your children don't know what your H is doing to you? My ex was violent towards me and I thought that my children had no idea, but found out later that they did know.

In my experience things can get much worse, each time things went just a little bit further until one day he beat the cr@p out of me. I could never persuade my ex to get couselling because he felt that the things he did were my fault for winding him up and it was my behaviour that was out of order and not his.

Even though we remained married for 12 years after his first attack on me I grew to hate him and then the hate turned to nothingness. I didn't have feelings one way or the other for him, not the best atmosphere for children.

I put my poor second husband through about 9 months of hell, where I was testing him to see just how far I could push him before he hit me. He has never lifted a finger to me and I feel bad for thinking he ever would but I needed to know before I married him.

Good luck, and you are not responsible for what other people think of him.

The wording was whether he was using it against you OR not. not AND.

It means that the fear of losing a lovely home is keeping you in a situation that you are clearly not happy with, and is in my OPINNION emotional blackmail.

There is nothing wrong with wishing for the good parts of your life to continue, but you do need to decide whether you are fighting a losing battle. Is your husband going to fight with you (along side - to tackle his problems), or against you?

What everyone else said, really ?

In my experience, children always know, so that's something to bear in mind in any decisions you have to make ?

Thanks again, everyone, logically I know that you are all right. I need to pull myself together and stand up to him really.

Cariad do you mind me asking what help Gary got? I have found a 'temper' course on the internet which involves a couple of weekends, I could suggest that, then again I wonder if my H should find something and choose it himself for it to really stand a chance of working?

Sorry to everyone that this has dragged up crap for. I have a picture of him & the children on my desk and I keep looking at him thinking 'why are you doing this'.

I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this. Whilst my experience wasn't the same by any means, looking at the list Baron posted has made me realise anew that a lot of what I experienced with my ex was abusive behaviour. What I can say is that at the time I felt enormously ashamed that this was happening to me. He made out that it was my fault and although I knew it wasn't, I did feel that I'd got myself intot he situation, I owed him loyalty and talking to anyone about what was happening would be a betrayal of him and make me look like a mug. Does that make sense?

With hindsight, of course, I realise that I was a mug - but only for not getting out sooner ?

FWIW I think it's unlikely that you'll persuade him to try anger management or similar. I think ultimnately you're going to have to leave. In the meantime, I think you should look for support for you. There are many many organisations that exist to support abused women, and I think it would help you to make contact, talk to someone who's a specialist in dealing with situations like yours, and have backup plans in place should you be ready/need to leave.

?

Surely having an opinion implies some sort of evidence ? And from what we have been told, there is none.

All you are offering is conjecture, which would seem to be unhelpful in this case.

And to answer the questions re. the children, I am not kidding myself, they obviously see/hear bits of whats going on from time to time. They are not stupid and they deserve more, I know that, and I have got to do something about it.