WWYD?

Oh Mini, she sounds like a nightmare, I dont know what to suggest but didnt want to read and run!

How likely is do you think that her conscience will kick in? Do you or mr Mini have any kind of relationship with anyone who could talk sense into her, like her parents?

What a sh**ty situation. I hate it when I hear about people doing this, it's so unfair on the kids, let alone how hurtful it is to everyone else. I def don't think Mr Mini should give in to her demands because she'll keep doing it over and over again. How old are the children - are they old enough to make their own voices and wishes heard? If they can remember living with Mr Mini then if the worst happens they will certainly remember that their mother stopped them going to his wedding and she'll have to answer to that.

That quite frankly is a horrible situation - gets my blood boiling on behalf of the children to think she is using them in this way.

I agree with llandudnolover about whether they can make their own thoughts heard and getting someone sympathetic who can talk to her to have a quiet word. It is so unfair on the children to miss a day they will be getting excited about. If she insists on them not coming I think you have to be honest with them and say "we would like you to come but you need to talk to your mum" - nothing nasty or vindictive there and refuse to be drawn into any slanging matches or sides taken. She has to be able to justify it to them not you. I think you are being incredibly supportive of your OH and wish you the very best of luck.

Sorry I haven't got much else to add - just also couldn't run without sending a show of support. Good luck - let us know what happens

She sounds like aan absolute nightmare and you have my sympathy for this dreadful situation. Maybe you could remind her that it's not YOUR surname, it's their Dad's surname? I think you need someone to mediate here though. How does your boy get on with her parents? Or any of her siblings?

This is soooo the sort of thing i expect from Oh's ex - I feel for you Mini.

Would threats of solicitors letters do anything? does OH have parental responsibility? If he does then she cant change their names without his say so...we are picking up OH's kids three days before the wedding, just to ensure she doesnt pull a fast one and disappear with them - is this an option?

If she is married to someone else why on earth does she care?!!

What a complete b*tch. I would stand your ground and say that it isnt going to happen (the changing of the name thing). She is doing it as a bargaining tool, dont give in or it wont stop there.

First up - and at the risk of being fluffy - have a ? She sounds a total nightmare, and doesn't sound like she's got the best interests of the small people at heart - must be very confusing for them (and very stressful and frustrating for MrMini and you).

Secondly - I have no legal knowledge, so I may be barking up the wrong tree entirely, but if he signed something under duresse (which essentially he would be as she is basically blackmailing him), would it hold any weight legally? Maybe something CB could advise on?

I normally only lurk over here but thought I'd stick my oar in! Horrible horrible situation. Would she back off if you "agreed" not to take Mr Mini's surname, since her issue hasn't been that she has a different surname to the kids but more that you will have the same IYSWIM? Obviously once you are married (and she hasn't stopped them attending) you can change it as you had intended to anyway. Bit dishonest and probably not the best example to set the kids but she is hardly being a shining light either. Other than that I agree that you should put the onus on her to explain to them why they can't go to their daddy's wedding.

If it was me I would no way give her that satisfaction! but thats me....

Mini - what has Mr Mini said?

Thanks for all the messages;

Cookie- we told her I would be keeping my maiden name and she said she "diddnt give a s***"- which is funny because in the 5 years since her and MrMini have split up its never seemed to be an issue.

October- he does have PR so she cant do it legally- not sure if she is smart enough to have worked that one out yet but its not stopping her making the threats.

To the suggestions of getting her parents involved they dont actually see what she is doing is wrong! Her mum fully endorses the change and tbh is scared of her daughter so wouldnt say anything anyways.

Ah its rubbish isnt it.

When we had trouble with MrOctober's ex he went to the solicitors and that scared her into sorting herslef out (to an extent) but you prob dont have time for that.

She is being highly unreasonable. Let me know how you get on - this is something close to my heart so i'd like to know...and if you need a rant about poisonous ex's using the kids as a weapon - give me a shout. x

Give me her address and I'll go 'talk' to her.

Have the kids been consulted on the name change? Do they want to change their name? Legally she can't do it without their dad's consent, but she should be asking the kids.

You have 2 months, have they tried mediation?

Personally I'd be stocking up on arsenic...

God what a biatch! I really feel for you, Mr K's ex uses their son as a bartering tool too. It's vile and only hurting him in the long run

I can only echo what others have said and stand your ground. We've found that if we give in then she sees it as a sign of weakness and keeps pushing her luck.

If she doesn't see sense and continues to refuse to let them come to the wedding then I'm not sure what you can do. Can you tell the children that they need to talk to their mum about it? So hard when you're trying not to involve them in her madness

What a B*tch!! honestly... go drop kick her!!!

Firstly tell her if she is really serious about these demands... you need it in writing.. dated and signed. Tell her you aren't willing to fight with her, and if she thinks that she is being reasonable.. you need it in writing.

If you can do this, take it to a solicitor.. take your wedding out the equation.. im sure you and hubby to be would still feel 100% strong about this, its totally free for legal advice and a letter to her. Tell her that regardless of been married, your husband isn't going to threatened over things ever time she has a strop..

I'd love to give you the legal situation on this (law student) but i haven't done family law yet :/

Hope you can sort her out xxx

Mini, I don't have anything to add to everyone's good advice but just wanted to say that the ex is obviously a cow and to give you a ?

I definitely agree with what others have said about getting her to explain to the kids why she is considering not letting them go to your wedding. I would make sure that your OH and possibly yourself are at this discussion though - she sounds awful and I wouldn't trust her to tell the truth about the situation and she might twist it somehow to make you and/or your OH look bad. I hope it gets sorted though and she sees sense. Best of luck with her.

She sounds like an absolute thunkerkhunt, you have my sympathy.

It's totally not my area of law I'm afraid so would hate to advise you based on the bits I've picked up. I can recommend a fabulous family lawyer who may well be able to give you some free advice - let me know. I can try to run it past her if you'd like me to?

Thanks CB- from what we have looked up online we dont think she has a leg to stand on- she does however allude to a "loophole" she has found. Most likley to be her bull$hitting us but we need to be sure that there is none before we can relax about that.

If you wouldnt mind asking someone CB would be very helpful.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH how dare parents use their kids to play games with their ex's.....GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR?

I really hope you guys get it sorted.

Do you have an access agreement to see the kids? is the wedding day on a set day they would come to you anyway?

Mini - would you mind dropping me a note on FB about this, please? Any background info (what any existing orders say etc) and then I'll email her. Appreciate you won't want to put the information up here!

No immediate consolation but one day the children will be old enough to see her the manipulative cow that she is.

CB- You have mail.

Mini i am so sorry to hear what she is doing to the little ones, i am not a lawyer however in my job deal with family law on a fairly regular basis, she can not change the surnames of the children without the permission of your OH as long as he is named on the birth certificate and they were born after 2003 or were married.

I would be tempted to suggest seeking legal advice, to ask the children to call her new husband daddy is quite worrying and could be classed as causing the children significant emotional harm and impacting upon their identity. Legal Aid could be granted in certain circumstances and this may be something where it could trigger aid.

You can make emergency applications to the magistrates so 57 days is plenty of time.

hope this gets sorted out so sorry again that she is putting you through this

I read this as You have 2 months, have you tried medication ?" /> and that she was suggesting you just drug her up til after the wedding!!

I appreciate this is a crap situation previously my ex has threatened all sorts (my fav being she is with him every other weekend but that I should pay him maintenance!) but he always does it when he feels threatened or if his back is against the wall. It sounds like she is paniced because Mrmini is happy and settled and she ...isnt! Someone suggested picking up the children a few days before can you just do that and out and out ignore her demands? I too am available for ex ranting!! x

What a horrid situation. I know it is easy to say but I really wouldn't give in to her as she will never stop. Are the children old enough to be told that you both want them at the wedding but mummy dearest has to make the decision, then at least she can explain to them why she wouldn't allow them to attend. My ex would never want me or allow me to change my sons name as he is very much alive and in his life.

You have the children a lot and from and from what I can see you never get free time to yourselves at B/hols or at weekends. She should consider herself fortunate that their father is so present in their lives and she gets so much free time with her partner.

Gosh Mini, you must be tearing your hair out. I can't offer a miracle solution, only a bit of sympathy and a repeat of what everyone else has said. I've studied a bit of family law and whilst I'm in no way qualified to give legal advice, I also (as the above lady) understand that she can't change their name without his agreement if he's on the birth cert and they were born after 2003.

How old are the children? How long has she been re-married for? I'm just wondering how much the kids understand about the situation.

What MrMini's evil-ex says about not wanting them to have your name is clearly a load of *boswollocks* if you've told her you'll keep your maiden name. She's just clutching at straws there as she obviously knows she hasn't got a leg to stand on. It really makes me sick though how people can use their own children like this. In the process of trying to hurt you to get her own way, she's hurting her own children just as much, if not more.

Hey Mini,

It does sound like a real nightmare. I hope she has some sort conscience and sees sense before the wedding. She is being rather petty, I feel. She will only hurt her own children and make their bond with their father even stronger, she is not helping herself one little bit. Legal advice is what is required, hopefully CB will help there and you can get something sorted out.

My own situation is quite complicated too, my step-son is 8 (Monday) and he has lived with me since 18 months old, his dad did not want anything to do with him at that point. As soon as he found out he was living with me we went to court, he got PR and now sees him every weekend, which is fine.

He has his dads surname, Sue (my OH) has her maiden name and our daughter has my surname, so 3 surnames one family. It was quite a big deal when Sue and I announced we were getting married, my son did not want to be the only one with a different surname and his dad will not allow him to change his name (again this is fine, I agree with him), which now leaves us in a tricky situation, either we stick with the 3 surname family thing or my son will feel like the odd one out.

I think we are sticking with the 3 surname family thing, unless anything changes, they are only names after all.

In regards to the 'loophole' she says she has found, I think she is totally having you on. There is as far as I know, any such loophole. I have a 7 year old son from a previous (violent) relationship, and though my son has had no contact with his father since he was 1 (his father's doing, not mine) his father still has parental rights what with being named on the birth cert (we were never married but it makes no odds). 2 years ago I wanted to change my son's surname to mine, as it upset me that he wasn't of the same name as me and all my family, and his surname was connected to a family who chose to leave him. Solicitors appointment - I was told that unfortunately because ex was on cert, I could do abolsutely nothing without his permission. They would have to attempt to contact him numerous times, he would be given the oppertunity to dispute my request and have his say in court, and ultimatley the courts would decide. Solicitors said mediation is the first port of call but given the past I was unwilling to be the one to invite him back into my son's life. The only way Mr Mini's ex would be able to change the kids name, would be if Mr. Mini failed to respond to the solicitors (which he wouldn't do!) in which case the courts would just override his rights.

There are laws in place, very tight laws, for this very reason. In my case it makes my blood boil that ex still has 'riights' even though he's been absent, but in your case, it's for this very reason they are there, to stop insane ex's ruining their kids and ex's lives!!!

Hope you get it sorted hun.

**update**

Thanls for all the advice ladies- quick update we spoke to the kids last night with MrMinis mum there as well, His daughter got quite upset and basically said that mummy has asked many times to change her name and that she says no everytime.

We also asked about the wedding and if she wanted to come- she said definatley yes and that when Mummy got married there was a photo book (an album I guess) and she was in all the pics and wants to be in ours as well. We explained that Mummy wants to take her to Legoland instead of coming to the wedding and her actuall response "I can go to Legoland anytime!"

The boy was quite quiet- if you asked him if he wanted to change his name to banana he would prob just say yes. He has however said he dosnt like the altered first n ame his mum and stepdad use for him and has written his actuall name across every page of his schoolbook!

Its nice in a way that the kids are so against it- but it makes it harder as they have said they dont want to make thier mummy angry by telling her they wont change- evil cow.

Evil cow indeed, really feel for you and the kids. Hope you get it sorted out.

Thanks Clair.