WWYD - MIL

Well firstly I have to say i don't think any of those issues are petty! so don't belittle how she has made you feel, I would be utterly upset and offended by anyone of those comments never mind all of them!

I hope it all works out for you all

x

She sounds like a total witch!

I think it depends. Is the email just about arrangements to see your daughter, or is intended to be a fresh start/air-clearing exercise? If the latter, I'd mention whatever you feel like mentioning, just to get it all of your chest.

Hmm. In many ways they seem quite minor but obviously they do build up. I'd say that point number 2 is probably the most forgiveable. Whilst she was insensitive, she was probably just trying to find a way of expressing her own grief - as ill advised and clumsy as it was in the end.

Some people are just a bit foot in mouth, unfortunately. She might be very poor at expressing herself rather than having any malicious intent.

The dog is probably the more serious issue BUT (and I say this with some caution) on the assumption that you were in her home, it's your responsibility to ensure your daughter's safety.

Obviously I'm playing devil's advocate a bit here and I don't know the other background but I would definitely not send an email and instead sit down face to face and discuss things in an adult manner. An email just seems a bit childish and opens things to misinterpretation.

Frankly, no, I wouldn't suck it up. She sounds revolting. However, I can see how it would be difficult to address these issues now when the mainproblem is the dog.

What an awful situation to be in though,and how vile is her attitude towards Oscar? ?

On a totally diff note,I don't seem to be ableto email you about the shoes. Ihaven't forgotten.

I don't think you are being petty, it may be useful to tell her the that you feel part of the reason you have had problems with the relationship is her disregard for your feelings especially on these occasions. It may be that she just didn't think so I would spell out how much these things hurt you and H at the time. If you finish on a more positive note about how you can both move forward then it doesn't sound like you're just having a moan at her.

Good luck ?

I don't think any of what you have posted is petty at all. it sounds like she has been incredibly insensive and hurtful to you and I can totally understand how you must feel towards her.

Include them in your email, she needs to know how she's made you feel.

?

I think the grown up thing would be to keep stoom but I don't think I could in your circumstances.

The first foot-in-mouth moment is just a bit nasty - nice to see she clearly believed you were marrying for life and for the right reasons. Not. You can (and have so far) risen aboove it because just continuing with your marriage is enough to demonstrate how wrong she is.

The second and third foot-in-mouths are utterly tactless and ignorant. Speechless at wasted and expelled. I don't think you'll ever forget these comments so you might as well point out how hurt you were by them - and why they were hurtful if you think she's completely thick as two short planks and won't understand.

?

I do agree with this Baron but just wonder if it has got to the point where it needs to come out without interuption in the form of a letter or an email? I think this approach will only work if it is followed up with a meeting or conversation on the phone about how to move things forward otherwise it will just be seen as a moan.

I agree with others and dont think your reasons are petty at all and you have every right to be hurt.

Obviously it is hard to tell from a distance how genuine she is when she says that she never meant to cause offence, however if she was genuine then I'm not sure that bringing up specific occasions from the past will necessarily help you move forward if that is what you want to do.

If not already mentioned to her then I would definitely mention the dog thing because she definitely needs to be made aware that her dog needs to stay away from your daughter.

If you really strongly feel that you need to get it off your chest then I agree with others that have said a sit down face to face, calm discussion outlining your points but then trying to end on a positve note so that hopefully you can all move on is a better idea than an email.

I hope you work it out ?

Re. the dog - I'd make it clear that daughter won't be left with MIL until MIL demonstrates that she understands that daughter is not to be left alone with dog under any circumstances. The end.

It's for the dog's protection too though - I don't trust my child not to torment a dog however well his intentions are, it's bad enough he's obsessing with the cat just now.

Gnomette - I'm a fan of face to face interaction. I've seen letters and emails misunderstood in the past because the tone is so open to different interpretations (as is the OP - i don't know without hearing the statements whether they were simply ignorant or malicious).

Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting that you've said to include them, as I was leaning towards not.

The email is intended to make a fresh start - and I know it's not the best method, but I think the plan is to build some bridges, then meet up.

A big part of me does agree with Baron - that she is just very clumsy in wording things. But in my less forgiving moments I see her as making snide remarks with the sole intention of upsetting me.

Re: the dog! It's not allowed in our house as it is very boisterous and has gone for my dad before. Whilst at the MIL's I keep my daughter on my lap normally. The dog tends to go a bit mad whenever keys are jangled, or it hears something outside. Last weekend I'd gone to the loo, and MrQ was helping his sister bring some bits into the house. MIL was holding Sadie when the dog went mad, jumping and barking, and jumped on top of her. But 'thankfully S didn't scream and scare the dog even more'

She refuses to shut the dog away when S is there, meaning S can't be put on the floor to play - making a ratty and screachy baby. I realise it's her dog, her house, but I don't want S to be hurt by it.

Waah, I'm ranting now!

What a spiteful, extremely unkind woman she is. You are not being petty, tell her how much she has offended you and if she listens and takes notice all well and good, but she sounds the type of woman who is very difficult to reason with.

Also how insulting and hurtful to your husband not to receive the same treatment as his brother.

My instinct would be to cull her, not easy when it is your H's mum though.

Best of luck.

Edited to add tell her if she can't respect your baby's safety when you visit, then you WON'T visit and she will have to come to you.

I agree completely Baron, especially about being open to different interpretations so you run the risk of making things worse rather than better. There is also the risk that if it was genuine thoughtlessness that she will be incredibly hurt that you couldn't talk to her about things and sent an email and it may stop communications rather than open them. However, as feelings are running high I know that there are some things that I would struggle to get out clearly without getting upset or feeling silly so maybe it is better to just get it all clear on paper? Like I said it should be finished with ideas about where to take things from here to make it clear that you are keen to meet or talk.

As for the dog, would it be practical to invite MIL to yours so that the dog wasn't an issue?

Yes, it would, and we do. Although I will admit not very often, as it creates such an atmosphere between MrQ and I. Hopefully we will be able to resolve things with MIL and it won't be such a tense time when she visits.

Firstly do yo want it resolved? because honestly I would hold a grude for a very long time but *maybe* in time tolerate her. She is a complete and utter ***. I am a forgiving person, not one for grudges honest! I would find one of the above pretty offensive, but to go on and make several comments it unbelievable. I'm speechless someone could be so bloody cruel. Number 2 comment smacks of a werid, werid one-up manship. IMHO the most offensive comment,. I would hate her forever for saying/writing that.

Do you think she will change, and take any comments on board?

TBH the fact that she thinks your gold digger and your marriage isn't going to last and she told you this is a major indicator of how he feels about you and tbh I don't think it will change. For another woman to be so heartless about the loss of a child, says a lot about them. They weren't nervous not sure what to say comments. The poem just adds to the fact she is sounds competently self obsessed.

What does Mr Q say about all this?

I wouldn't suck it up at all. I also wouldn't write an email/letter because she sounds like the type to re-read it and keep it and decided how rude/nasty etc you have been. Might she show others the email? I would talk face to face with her, get it all out.

I have major issues with my MIL being cruel, not as bad as your MIL though. She doesn't like me, she never has. I'm not good enough apparently and I am also a gold digger! Mr R is a bit of an arse when it comes to his mum, and thinks the sun shines from her arse! She is never going to like me, I am the competition and the one who 'got' he son. I just about tolerate her, and she till continues with her sneaky ways. I have to tell myself I don't need this woman, and at the end of the day I am the woman Mr R choice to marry. I am lucky that she lives in another country though. I have also learnt not to say anything about MIL to Mr R, because it causes major friction between us. Instead I rant to my friend. I never leave my son who is 2yrs with my MIL, she knows I do it but Mr R doesn't.

hugs

Another agreement that you are NOT being unreasonable.

I would be furious to be honest. I am actually angry reading it!?

She sounds really, really awful. I'ma bit in 2 minds about this. I can't stand my in laws, my MIL sounds very much like her. however, when I did have a blow out with them I think they were quite surprised at how nasty I can be and how hard I can fight my corner. i think in a small way (very small!) it made them realise that their tricks, which have been working so well with everyone else in their life, will not work with me and I will not tolerate it. So from that POV I'd say its worth getting it all out. They had assumed i would put up with their games because no one else has stood up to them.

If shes anything like my MIL face to face won't work anyway- she'll desperatly try to change the subject whenever criticised, or just lie, or twist things around to confuse you. if its in black and white she can't do that.

I can hold a hell of a grudge and to be honest I'd probably not bother. I'd let MrQ take our children to visit her and stay away. I'm of the mind that people who don't know how to behave like a normal person don't deserve relationships.

Another one here who thinks writing things down is rarely the best answer.

I generally just say what's on my mind, but I know not everyone wants to do that, and not everyone is easy to deal with.

If you can afford it, I'd consider family counselling/mediation TBH. People like her never seem to accept that what they do/say is entirely abnormal unless someone outside the relationship says it is. And she needs to be aware that it's Quite A Big Deal, not some little foible of hers.

Those who say they wouldn't write an email- didn't Quincy say that an email had been agreed by MrQ and MIL?

I think if you write each of those points and show her what she said and how offensive it was (maybe even spell it out if you think she won't understand this) it might make her realise that she is being hurtful to you even if that wasn't her intention.

I think that it might be a way for you to explain why you have issues with her, for her to explain what her true intentions were (if they weren't to be downright nasty). Then you can draw a line under it and move forwards. I think if you don't get everything out in the open then you're leaving unfinished business which will undermine any attempts you both make to come to some sort of accord.

Nothing much helpful to add, although I would say the comments you have posted (especially the money one) do not sound remotely like someone who really likes you underneath it all but just occasionally makes faux pas. Sorry to be blunt.

My MiL has foot in mouth disease and I know she wishes I was different to how I am but she would never say something as calculating and blatant (and mean!) as that.

I think you're a saint to not have committed mother-in-law-icide frankly.

She sounds awful and well done you for trying to move past it. If you do want to email then one way of putting it might be something like this:

“On some occasions I have felt that you do not necessarily understand how hurtful some of your comments can be to me. For instance after [your baby] died it was deeply wounding for me to read you refer to his early entry into the world as being “expelled from your womb”. Going forward I would ask that you to bear in mind the impact your words can have on our relationship.”

If an email has been agreed upon as a way to keep emotions out of things, then go for it. The particular things you mention must have been incredibly hurtful (and continue to be so) whatever the intent in saying them. For this reason I think it is worth mentioning them, without laying blame or being emotive about it, as examples of things you have been hurt by in the past - in this way, whilst you may not be able to forget she said them, you may be able to move past them IYSWIM?

I agree with others that if she won't look after the baby as you ask her to, she shouldn't be left alone with her - it's her decision to prioritise the dog over the baby if she wishes too, but you have to be allowed to safeguard your daughter without being made to feel guilty.

Hope you manage to find a way through it.

I would definitely bring them up. It may seem petty but it will help her understand the depths of your feelings and why and I think thats important. There is nothing worse than thinking someone doesn't like you but not really knowing why. Tell her, be diplomatic, explain that these have formed the basis of your relationship and you'd like to move on, but that these kinds of things can't continue.

I think she sounds awful, but I cannot see what purpose bringing these things up in an email will serve. She has said she hasn't intended to cause offence - what are you trying to achieve with this email? If you want her to justify her words, she can't. She is way more likely to get defensive.

If the point is to move forward, then, in all honesty, I don't think she is the one who is going to change, it is you who has to change in what you will and won't accept.

For example, I would not take a child into a house with such a wayward dog, full stop, if the owner wasn't prepared to put the dog in another room. I would let her visit (without dog).

I would work on what you (and your H) consider the way forward is, and set that out, and not mention the past. If you bring it up now, you are prolonging the reconciliation process, imo.

If you feel these issues HAVE to be addressed, then I think I agree with whoever suggested outside family counselling/mediation as they will help conversations stay on the right track.

L
xx

None of the instances you've mentioned are trivial, but are there any good bits to the relationship? Is there any bit of you that thinks you can actually honestly move forward with this woman? If so, I guess it's possible to write an email that will help to move things forward.

Personally, I would never forgive the things she's said and done, and particularly her lack of concern for my baby's welfare - we can understand a MIL not being too keen on a daughter in law, but endangering a baby is something else again. I wouldn't feel that I owed her any honesty either. For the sake of H and to avoid discomfort at family events I'd agree to some form of make up and be friends and then I'd see her as little as possibe, and certainly never let my child go to their house again.

I've been in a similar situation to you re the dog only we were still in the room with our incident. The result was that the dog is no longer allowed in the same room as my daughter. Although it's not fair on him not doing this would mean that my parents don't see their granddaughter very often as whilst they are happy for us to drop in uninvited they won't do the same to us (no matter what we say).

Re the rest of it, I don't know the best plan of action. I'm not sure that bringing it up will change things or whether it would just make it worse.

I agree that I don't think this is simple foot-in-mouthness. The money thing in particular was obviously said to belittle you. What a spiteful woman she is.

I also agree that an email is probably not the best course of action - she can keep it and stew over it. I doubt it would solve anything. I think JK's suggestion of family mediation is a very good one; the bottom line is, she's your MIL and unless your H wants to cull her, it would be most helpful to you if things are resolved as much as they can be. The dog issue in particular needs addressing soon.

? Some of those things she said were revolting. I am angry for you.

What JK (and others) have said. I do worry for you about an email, even if it's been agreed between you. The reason I worry is that things can be misinterpreted and she'd have 'hard evidence' of things - the words you use might linger around longer than if you all got it out in the open across a table.

How is MrQ at supporting you against his mother? that's key for me, really. I've been through a rough time with my MIL in particular and PIL in general - although NOTHING even remotely as bad as what you've had to endure - and for me the crux of it was how far MrB backed me and what he thought was unreasonable and what wasn't.

I am pretty cross on your behalf through what you've been through. I also think that if you can raise the particularly hurtful stuff to get it 'out of the way' great, but you also need to decide what you want from her (an apology/retraction?) and the likelihood of you getting it - and what happens if you don't.

The dog stuff for me would be a no brainer. either she controls it/locks it away when your daughter is there or you won't visit, would be my take on this. Absolutely no room for compromise for me there.

Oh she does sound horrid. Unfortunately I can imagine my MIL saying such things too I agree with MrsB that an email is 'hard evidence' - if you could find a way to speak face-to-face (and with you H there so she can't run to him, and say you said things that you didn't), it may be better. I just worry that you'd be giving her ammo for years to come.

Chin up chuck ?