wwyd? Teenagers and the internet

I think i would contact the school, just in the matter of keeping them informed. has he been encouraging her to send him pictures? perhaps worth telling the school in case she needs to be shielded from contact with him somehow.

don't know about the police though, suppose it would depend on the rest of the details (encouragement etc)

There was an article in the Times (I think) about this last weekend. Needless to say, the trend is called "sexting" ? Anyway, apparently teenagers have been convicted of making and distributing whathaveyoublah. If it was your daughter, I think I'd be reading her the riot act and making it very clear to her what could happen. Nightmare situation.

It's hard to prove that he encouraged her, Moomoo, though it is certainly implied. We only saw the emails she sent to him, with the pictures attatched (though I think she was talking to him on MSN at the time). She sent a series of pictures where she steadily undressed herself, which suggests that he was egging her on - but I cannot say that for certain.

I can't believe she would be so stupid as to send them to a boy at her flipping school - he could have passed them around the next day. It's not even as if she is involved with him (she sent some of the pictures to other boys at the same time). She's already been spoken to about it all, it happened a few weeks ago - but I've only just found out who the third email address belonged to.

How did I miss this article? Ahh well. She has already been read the riot act most severely. Just wondering if there's anything else I can do to make the seriousness of the situation cleer, now I've located the recipent.

Gawd, GWTW, this doesn't sound a fun situation to be dealing with ☹️

I would definitely contact the shcool so they can try and monitor what contact they have (I know that's not exactly practical in a big secondary) and it may tally with anything they've noticed at school too. I'd definitely speak to the form teacher or equivalent and maybe head of year if they have one - plus go higher if necessary.

WRT the Police I'm not sure it's an offence as such but there's no harm in contacting them I'd say. Again, they may have other info regarding this lad that may be relevant.

That was sending images by text, ldo, not intertubes, apologies. But does she know that it's criminal behaviour that could get him sent to prison? Might be worth inserting fear of god. I do feel for you, it must be incredibly hard.

I'm probably speaking out of turn so do ignore me, and obviously you know your daughter, but I'd be quite concerned about her being this sexually aware at 13. I'd want to make really, really sure that there wasn't something else going on, or that had gone on, to explain she was doing this.

Especially to more than one guy...

I suppose I'm talking about any relationships you don't know about, or any relationships in the past, especially with older guys.

Sorry to be blunt but this rings alarm bells for me (as someone who works with lots of sexually active young people).

I do apologise if this sounds alarmist.

If it were my daughter, I would ban her from using the PC for a month.

I would contact the boy's parents and inform them of the situation, so they can take appropriate action.

I am not sure if the school can actually do anything about it if it never happend in school time/on the school equipment.

I must admit it is very worrying

From a school point of view what would you hope to gain by informing them?

In your case GWTW I'd tell the school. They may not be able to do anything, but if there's any whiff of it coming out at school they need to know that you know and are dealing with it.

We kept As school informed of a lot of things that they couldn't necessarily help with or do anything about as it was outwith school, but when we needed backup to get A with us full-time his Head Teacher used the fact we'd kept them informed and showed we were dealing with things to give us her support. It also showed that we were not trying to hide any problems going on.

It also means they can keep an eye on her and perhaps limit contact between them if possible. It'll also pre-warn them in case it does kick off if the recipient starts flashing the pics around. I think they'd want to know as well if one of their older pupil's was exchanging/recieving pics of a younger student. Also if I was his Mum I think I'd want to know to be able to read him the riot act so the school may be able to help with that too.

She's been 'spoken to' about it?

Then... IMO... Leave it there.

Monitor her internet usage, candidly.

Don't make any bigger an issue of it than it already is. At this stage.

Do you have MSN set up, so that it automatically saves copies of conversations ? Not really sure what else I can add, but hope you can get this sorted ASAP.

Definitely tell the school. They might have other pieces of information already, or it might tie in with other things. For a start, the boy's parents need to know what's going on as he's putting himself at risk of all sorts of trouble. If the school has a link police officer they might be the right person to go and see the other family, come and talk to niece etc. Schools do take cyber bullying seriously these days (pain in the arse though it is if you're the Head of Year dealing with it) and this is in the same ball park.

What's her Dad said about it? Any progress on getting him to take it seriously and actually stop her using the 'tubes unsupervised?

School life and home life are completely interlinked - I would say on the whole teenagers spend a lot more time in school than they do conversing/being with their parents. The school absolutely should know what's going on, especially if its leading to possible criminal behaviour or at the very least, something that the police need to have a look at. I think some parents (mistakenly in my view) think that what goes on at home doesn't have any connection with the school and the school don't need to know about "these things" but I suspect, although the school may not be able to physcially do anything about it, they would want to know if this type of behaviour is becoming more and more prevalent.

I do feel, with regards to the action to take, that you need to inform the son's parents. If it were one of mine (stepson 15 and son nearly 14), I'd definitely want to know what they were doing, particularly stepson as he has a computer/internet access in his room and is given a lot of freedom with it. Unless his parents are complete loons, they'll try and do everything they can to help resolve it as well.

I don't really have any other advice but will be watching replies as this is something potentially that I could have to deal with in the future - the joys of parenthood.

This is my fear with eldest step daughter. Fortunately she has no internet acces at home, but she's badgering her mom about it. Lord knows what she'd be up to with unsupervised internet access. Definitely contact the school, they may have picked up on something anyway and it'll keep them in the loop.

Nick, she is 13. Dont make a bigger issue about it ? Bloody hell, SHE IS 13. It IS a big issue.

I think I would inform the school, that way they can keep and eye on it in case the boys try flashing the pictures around the school. I feel for you, i have no real idea how to handle this, im sure there is no "correct" way.

I would certianly ban her internet use for a month though.

Good luck

Your child being that sexually aware at 13 is a worry. As you may know from my recent posts, I dealt with something very similar recently. You should definitely inform the school - while I'm not naiive enough to think no one under the age of consent has sex, it is absolutely a child protection issue. Your school will have a child protection officer who is equipped to advise and help you manage the situation. Speaking as a parent, I would be banning MSN, Facebook, My Space and Bebo until she can prove she's behaving appropriately.

In the case I dealt with in school, the police have confiscated the laptop, pending their investigations into to whom she was sending the pictures.

I am soooo dreading my girls getting to teenage years. They have so much more technology to exploit themselves with than we had as kids and they don't seem to have the same kind of taboos we did. Good luck xx

WLTPS

This puts the absolute fear of god into me! As mum to a 14 year old girl. Her dad has already confiscated her phone and i am trying desperately to limit her internet use, on the basis that if i ban her it will become all the more appealing.

As for them not having the taboos we did! totally! agree!

I Think i worry as they have the knowledge of how to get reactions by being provocative or whatever but are no where near mature enough to deal with the repercussions of their actions, which can be, as we see every day,very bad and scary repercussions.

And if i try to reasonably talk to my daughter, i am being "overprotective" and " dont want her to have a life"

Hope you get this sorted GWTW. This is a horrible situation to be in?

Thanks all.

I've got the email for J's year head, so I'll send him something hefty after half term (he seems to respond to that more quickly than he does on the phone). It doesn't help that I don't have the boy's first name, but only his surname and email. That said, it could surely be obtained from hotmail, especially in this instance? I found the him by adding him to my own msn and I've saved that conversation. Should I contact Microsoft, too, do you think?

RA, she might well be sexually active, I unfortunately have no way of knowing. She's my niece (she lives with us for many reasons, one being neglect). She's facing the biggest rejection possible - her mum doesn't want her - and so I suppose it's not surprising that she's looking to be wanted elsewhere. Her mum used to regularly webcam to men with the kids in the room, so I doubt she even knew how serious it was before I spoke to her. We control and supervise her internet usage, and we always know where she is - but when she's with her parents on the weekends, they don't really give a rat's bum what she's doing. Her father knows what's been going on and is still allowing her online at stupid o'clock (he's currently not responding to my calls and texts, idiot). She and I have spoken before about responsible sex and she knows where the condoms are...but she's so self destructive at the moment, she's perfectly willing to cut her nose off to spite her face and I doubt she'd use them.

Thanks all. One day, I will stop whinging about this on here ? (maybe when she's 21?!)

Poor you and poor here gwtw. i hope it all works out well. i'm sure you've thought of every possible thing, but it sounds like she has self-esteem issues. one thing i've heard of being good for people who've been emotionally scarred (particularly by rejection) is skin to skin contact, so perhaps if there was somewhere nearby where she could have a back massage now and then it might make her feel better? i was a depressive baby ? and because there's a history of mental illness in my family my mum tried all sorts of things to keep me on the straight and narrow. mostly she made a big thing of telling me how precious i was. perhaps (i'm sure that you do it anyway) find extra things you can use to tell her she's a good girl and precious, and that these boys don't deserve to see her.

admittedly, my mum's no paragon, and if i'd done it she'd probably have told me i should have taken money and thrown me out ?

hope it all goes well with you both ?

I am so sorry to hear this GWTW - and so very cross with her parents that they are not backing you up in what you are doing with her when it is you and your H who have to pick up the pieces each time she does something. They really don't appreciate what you are doing do they?

would it be possible to get her referred thru someone like CAMHS [child and adolesance mental health service i think it is] to have someone to talk it over with? E's doctor was very quick to refer her after the cutting incident - got an appointment within a week... might be an avenue for you to try?

my offer stands - if you want to offload to me at anytime please feel free - you know i will understand something of what you are going thru ?

If it is correct that either her or the boys she is sending pictures to could possibly be found guilty of a crime, I would definitely be speaking to the police. NOT to get her/the boys involved in trouble, but to see if there was a policeman available to speak to her about the seriousness of what she was doing. Or maybe this is something the school could get someone along to talk about, I would think this soprt of thing is rife

L
xx

As far as I am aware it is an offence for people under the age of 18 to send OR receive sexually explicit picture or material.Can you see if the police could put the fear of God into her?

GWTW, I've read about your nieces on here - I think you are doing an absolutely amazing job with them, poor girls.

I would cite this as further evidence of neglect if you need any: technically abuse covers 'failing to protect a child from harm' too.

Do you think she may have been sexually abused at all - by any of mum's 'friends' for example? I really hope not. There is a large grey area which falls somewhere between abuse and consensual relationships too: we have criteria to consider in teenage 'relationships' such as any age/power imbalances, aggression, coercion/bribery, provision of alcohol/drugs etc. I would consider her high risk anyway because of her other issues.

It is common for girls with low self-esteem to quickly learn how to use sex to get 'love'. At least you can offer her information and try and ensure she knows some of the consequences e.g. STIs, unwanted pregnancy.

WRT the boy involved, if she came into clinic and told me, I'd be contacting SS in the first instance (I presume the girls are already known to them). Our definition of sexual abuse says "They may involve non-contact activities, such as involving children in looking at, or in the production of, pornographic material or watching sexual activities, or encouraging children to behave in sexually inappropriate ways."

Also, is she involved with Connexions at all? I agree with swampytiggaa about CAMHS too.

If you think she is sexually active and there's any way she'd go to a GUM clinic with you, they could help access some of these sevices and you may have others local to you.

I really feel for you GWTW. ?

You mentioned you have spoken about sex but have you had a really honest discussion with her? If you think she wouldn't use condoms, I think I'd be taking her to a family planning clinic to discuss other options. I know she is awfully young but she does seem to be developping beyond her years and being pregnant at 13 could be disastrous for you all.

I think you do a fabulous job and one day she will be full of thanks and appreciation for you, I'm sure.

I'd second the suggestions for Connexions and CAMHS - you can access the latter via the GP. I would phone social services and speak to the duty officer, just to see what they suggest. You so deserve some official back up for all this, given how criminally useless her parents and - from what you've said - grandparents are being.