Asking for money instead of gifts?

As I have said before on this forum, I would never give money as a wedding gift, asked or not.

IMO money poems are the lowest of the low in terms of literary merit (important to me) and are a rather childish way of asking for something that you know some people may be uncomfortable with. I would be seriously offended to be asked to pay for anyone's wedding or honeymoon and hence would not do so, but would rather give a physical gift with thought behind it.

The gifts I cherish most from our wedding are those chosen with love by the people we love.

This is a difficult one, as most couples now already live together when they marry so its unlikely they need anything in the form of a guest list. One of my friends who was married about 12 years ago said that when they were doing the gift list they ended up putting things from cutlery to tvs on the list, knowing full well noone was going to buy them a tv! Plus some gifts are expensive. I have been a a couple of weddings where they have had a gift list, but everything under £100 had already been bought and I'm sorry but no matter how close I am to the people marrying - I can't afford to splash out on over £100 for a gift so I ended up getting them vouchers for where the gift list was held, that way if they really did want that robot hoover they could put the vouchers towards it.

However the last 3 weddings I have been to have all requested money as a gift, 2 of them had little poems and 1 just had a sentence. They all asked for the same thing - spending money for their honeymoon. Which to me is great, saves going through a gift list trying to decide what to get them or buying them something pointless and not really needed as at the end of the day it means I have wasted my hard earned cash!

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, we have 2 children aged 3 and 2, we own our own home, so we aren't planning on having a gift list, yes it would be nice getting shiney new things, but then we need to throw out our old things and we only moved into our new house 2 years ago so nothing is actually old apart from our bed! However our back and front gardens require some work - new fencing, gates, grass, paving etc so we are thinking on asking for B&Q / Homebase vouchers so that we can out it towards doing our gardens up. We aren't having a honeymoon as we have decided we want to take the kids to Florida so we will be putting the funds for a honeymoon towards that instead even though it won't be until 2016/2017.

To be honest, I am not bothered either way - gift list or money/vouchers. People are getting married and I want to get them gift, however I want to get them something they will appreciate and want/need not something that will sit in the back of a cupboard gathering dust!!

Really is no need for some peoples reactions on this post!!

"Really is no need for some peoples reactions on this post!!"

Didn't realise you were the Headteacher. ?

Surely a discussion forum invites discussion and hence varying opinions. Otherwise it would all be "oooh lovely hun, your day your way xxxxxxx" which would be a tad boring.

We also live together and so didn't want to do a gift list or anything, especially as we are getting married in December so many things people could buy us from a gift list would be in the sales a few weeks later. We didn't do a poem ( i personally really don't like them). We just put a simple line under gifts saying either money or John Lewis gift vouchers if anyone wanted to get us anything. I personally don't think asking for money towards the wedding is right, it does sound like your asking people to pay for themselves. If you cannot afford the wedding you are having - you shouldn't be spending it

Hmm I wouldn't fancy a headyeachers job! Lol

I was surprised at peoples reactions to asking for money instead of gifts, just didnt realise it was such a taboo in this day! I was also meaning the little war of words on this post between pink butterfly & OB. Thats what I was meaning but being on here at work meant I quickly posted before finishing.

I was also quite suprised by some reactions and will think before i post in future! I was only really looking for personal experience from those that had done this but thanks for your replies anyway.

Personally I'm not keen on the poems people have said I should do that with mine but I find them really cheesy I also don't agree with guest lists as I find them quite cheeky we've decided not to ask for anything in particular I'm more concerned about people actually turning up and the day goin well lol x

It's one of those subjects that polarises opinion.

I think that it's no bad thing to air it now and again - if only that it makes everyone consider a different point of view - and that view might be shared by some of your own wedding guests, therefore the "my day, my way" route might not be appreciated by all.

Yes unfortunately ask a question on here and you get all sorts of opinions!

Do what YOU want to do it’s your wedding.

See, this is the kind of response I don't really understand.

It's a discussion forum. What is "unfortunate" about having a discussion? If you are totally convinced of your decision then why feel the need to ask about it on a public forum?

And of course you can do everything your way, but in that case you have to be prepared to possibly offend or upset some people.

Surely the point of this type of medium is to canvass opinion, elicit responses from a variety of people and use those opinions to help you come to a decision? Otherwise it's all a bit pointless....*sigh*

I have never understood how this issue has become so clouded/apparently confusing.

1) decide to get married

2) plan your wedding

3) Invite those you would like to be with you to share your special day.

4) If they ask you what you would like as a gift then tell them what you would like. This can be done by pointing them towards a gift registry, showing them a list (usually maintained by parents of the bride or someone else so that the B+G aren't doing it themselves, or by asking for cash towards a new home/a honeymoon/whatever BUT NOT THE WEDDING ITSELF).

What you should not do to avoid appearing grabby/rude/cheeky to at least some of your guests:

1) Do not invite people you cannot actually afford to feed/don't want there really.

2) Do not ask for a present before one is offered, or at the same time as inviting someone to your celebration.

3) Do not expect them to pay for the wedding. If you can't afford the wedding, cut it back.

Think of it in the same way that you would explain to a child how birthday parties and presents work. Politeness works in exactly the same way.

I really want a robot hoover now.

I'm not a fan of money poems but if I received an invitation with one in I'd have a little giggle at the cheesiness but I wouldn't be offended. I like invitations with an information sheet that tells me what the couple actually want rather than having to guess / contact the bride / parents etc. I'd say the majority of people attending a wedding will buy a gift or give cash letting them know what you want just saves them the hassle of having to find out. Before we sent our invites out FMIL showed me an invitation she had received from her hairdresser inviting her to attend the church service (note not all day or even the evening reception) with a money poem included. I thought it was poor taste but she thought it was marvellous and suggested we do the same :/ I think as brides to be we get bogged down in detail, people in the real world don't care as much!

If I received an invite with a money poem, I probably wouldn't be too bothered, though have to agree they are cheesy. Years ago when a second cousin got married they included a money poem to fund the honeymoon, I remember my family being unimpressed and refused to give money, but I suppose that's the difference in generations! I see it as an easy option.

Personally, we wont be putting anything in the invites, if someone wants to buy us something/give us money that would be lovely but certainly not expected.

From my cousin's experience, it seems pretty standard now to say 'we already have everything you need, but if you want to do something vouchers/cash/bunnies/unicorns are gratefully received'
Didn't seem to phase anyone I spoke to

Thank you OP for starting the topic and thank you to everyone who has contributed (yes even the negative ones ), this thread has help me to make a decision regarding my own situation. I was going to put a poem in asking for money towards the honeymoon instead of gifts but I wasn't 100% comfortable with it if I'm honest. And after reading the responses here I have decided not to put anything in at all and just accept both money and gifts (or nothing at all) gratefully. The difference of opinion on this forum has reminded me that just because some of my guests will think its a ok and a good idea, there will inevitably be those who think its impolite / cheeky and I don't want anyone to feel that they have to give something, when if I hadn't of mentioned it they might not have given anything at all. I guess what I'm saying is that it reminded me of the reason why I'm inviting my guests and thats not to receive anything in return but just to share my day with them and have a right good knees up

Wanting guests to donate to your wedding is rude. If you can't afford your wedding then downsize. Guests aren't there to fund your wedding. Same with honeymoon. Contributing to a meal or excursion is vastly different to contributing to the overall cost.

Money poems are cheesy and just a disguise for asking what you really want. I've seen some awful ones on here.

Agreed. We didn't mention gifts in the invite as I couldn't think of anyway to ask for money that didn't appear rude. A few people asked us/our parents what we would like, so then we told them money. Most people gave us cards with money/vouchers and we got a few gifts too which were all lovely.

OH says (quite rightly) that we don't need a lot of things. I know full well that my extended family are going to want to get us an actual present so we may need a small list for them as they won't know what to get otherwise. I too don't feel comfortable asking for money, so although it leaves us open to receiving some crap presents/things we don't need, we think the best thing to do will perhaps be to say nothing in the invites in our case. If people then ask, we'll say cash/vouchers.

I agree with what some of the others above have said. This forum is for discussion, if you ask a question you will get varied opinions. I think maybe because this borders into what is polite/good etiquette, it's easy to take offence but there's no need for sniping at each other (yes yes prob sound like a teacher too lol). We're all different and these days there's no real right and wrong with wedding gift etiquette, but yeah some guests won't like a request for money, some will like it and some won't care either way. You can't please all the people all of the time.

Hey Hii. Thats a really nice idea you are getting for the wedding. People do often give gifts which are of no use for the bride and the groom eg. a show piece. But, on the other hand, if they are given money as a wedding gift than it would surely do well for them. ?

Hello! Thats a really very nice idea as far as the wedding gift is concerned. It can help a lot to the bride and the groom financially as well. )

Hmm I don't know what to do myself about this.

Personally I have no problem with people asking for money or presenting a gift list as it's good to know what people want. But after reading some of the posts on here I now know that some people obviously do have a problem with it and the last thing I want to do is offend my guests!

We put a short line in ours something along the lines of "no formal gift list has been set up, contributions to a family holiday would be greatly appreciated" (written in a nicer way though!)

In our circle (working class, not really much etiquette) it is very normal to include a gift list/ask for money with the invite. Our friends don't know who our parents are and wouldn't be contacting them to ask what we would like and it could be a bit awkward for them to ask what we would like. I absolutely hate it when we get near xmas and people start asking me what I want. I know exactly what but I don't feel comfortable asking them!!! This way saved the awkwardness for us, everyone knows what we would like.

If people wish to get a present then I would obviously be very happy, but knowing our guests they wouldn't be bothered and would find money much easier.