Aspergers in adults?

My BiL is 35 and has Aspergers but he was diagnosed as a child, not an adult.

I have a young son with Autism. I'm a member of this forum:

www.asd-forum.org.uk

I think there are a few adults who post who have Aspergers.

HTH?

Http://www.wrongplanet.net/

My daughter has Aspergers. Her diagnosing consultant encouraged my husband to pursue being assessed himself. He did actually pluck up the courage to go to his GP to arrange it. They said they would look into it . That was 3 years ago - he didn't go back. His mum is definitely on the spectrum, though undiagnosed. His Uncle ditto, his 15 year old cousin has recently been diagnosed. You could say that it is in the family!

Do you want to ask anything in particular? **

** Edited to add, that I am not an expert in Aspergers, just an expert in how Aspergers affects members of my family. But willing to share if that helps.

Thank you all. My nephew is in the process of being diagnosed and it is pretty much 100% that it is Aspergers. In a conversation today with the SIL about it she was telling me about the questions he was asked, the traits that he shows and the way he deals with situations. She mentioned that it is genetically linked and she thinks that the father of her son also shows traits.

But all the while I was thinking 'shit, that's my boyfriend'. He was a 'troublesome child' and has quite a few 'issues'. Not my words but of people as he was growing up and his family. I know nothing about it and need to look into it more before I blurt my mouth.

Well our experience is that, yes it is genetic. However, I do sometimes wonder if members of family's carry traits without actually being on the spectrum if that makes sense? Sometimes I am convinced that Mr J does. Some days I wonder if he just has some rather aspiesque character traits. Our son displays the odd bit Aspie behaviour, but it is copied or learnt from his older sister.

There are online tests here: http://www.autismresearchcentre.com/tests/aq_test.asp which are in no way shape or form a diagnosis. But they can give a clue as to whether to pursue the idea further. The link is from the Autism Research Centre in Cambridge, a good source.

Also recommend Tony Attwood's complete guide to Aspergers.

Good Luck.

Thank you so much for the help. I may be barking up the wrong tree completely but after reading some of the sites you all put links to I am slightly more convinced than before I posted this.

Thanks again. I think I need to handle with care.

Second reading Tony Attwood.

My Dad was diagnosed with Asperger's soon after my youngest brother was found to be on the spectrum (this is a common pattern from what I understand). I'm sure his Mum had it, and his brother has 2 kids with ASD, so yes in our family I'm pretty convinced it's genetic to an extent.

Thanks again. I've just ordered the book so will have a good read of it and pass it to my SIL. I'd actually put money on their dad having it too.

There's a good book by Mark haddon 'The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime' which you can borrow rom me which gives excellen insight

L x

My daughter is 6 in a month and has Asperger Syndrome. She's in a dedicated unit in a main stream school.

My daughter's doctor has suggested testing for my husband and has indicated to me that he quite probably has Asperger Syndrome too. He hasn't done it yet, but that's mainly down to time rather than him wanting to avoid it. Both of us don't need convincing and I think my husband has recognised a lot of himself since our daughter's diagnosis. My husband, like my daughter, is highly intelligent (looks set to be a professor in the next 5-7 years) and, whilst he generally can operate fairly well in social situation, he clearly struggles. He is sulky, avoids eye contact etc. He also freaks over little things. One example, he missed his bs and kicked the door open in temper. Despite me driving like a loony to get him to the station, he sulked for nearly two days about missing it. If things get spilt of broken, he obsesses. Although he's a lovely man and would probably be horrified, he can be very controlling at times, which makes me furtive and him more concerned and therefore controlling.

Married life is never easy and I KNOW he finds me hard to live with at times (I'm chaotic, emotional etc.) and vice versa and there have been times when I think our marriage has been severely tested and I'm sure we've both wondered if we're what the other wants. But we're learning. I've read some fab books on Asperger relationships and Asperger Syndrome in adults. There IS support out there - in fact there are even courses. Anything by Tony Attwood is a good starting point.

I also have to sing the praises of the National Autistic Society. I've only used them a few times, but the support I've had has been brilliant.

Likewise, I'm no expert on Asperger Syndrome, but I do know what it's like to live with. It's bloody hard work. I often feel like Winona Ryder in the new Star Trek film - like I'm the only human on planet vulcan, but I love my family dearly and I know my NeuroTypical traits are just as testing for my daughter and my husband as their Aspie traits are for me. e.g. my daughter "please stop telling me you love me. I know you do. You told me aaaaaaaaages ago. I don't forget! Why do you have to do it every day?" Another classic this week "How old are you great grandma?" "84! You're probably going to die soon".

OMG Protostar, are you me? ? I could have typed 99% of that. Especially the stuff about your H. I am so lucky to have great friends but sometimes I am so lonely when it comes to anyone understanding about how it affects Mr J and our marriage. Broken stuff? don't go there! Nothing can be worn or an accident. Spills or 'not being careful' - don't go there. But he is mostly a loving husband and a great dad. I don't think many people would understand how the two go together but they do.

Also, do you find that a lot of Aspie resources just don't relate to your daughter, because it manifests itself differently in girls. Often becuase of masking? Your daughters comment to her gran made me laugh. When our daughter was the same age (she's nine now) my husbands uncle died. We went to visit his widow who offered Lucy a drink. When she handed it to her she said 'that used to be David's cup' (meaning it was a privilege to be trusted with it) Lucy replied 'that's nice but he won't need it now, because he's dead'. And What a strange co-incidence; last week she said to me 'Mummy can you stop telling me that you love me now, because actually I know, and it's getting a little bit boring'. We settled on me be allowed to tell her three times a week!

Sorry to have waffled, its just odd come across someone with Aspergers in the family that I can actually relate to.

This is very, very interesting. H and I have wondered for a while if his son has some form of Aspergers. He's 14 and he asks some very odd questions. The other day he saw a man with long hair and saked why he had long hair. H said he must like it like that. The he asked what would happen if he didn't want it long anymore, so H said he'd get it cut. He also asks lots of questions about adverts, like when a family is shown coming back from holiday where have they been. They seem very strange questions for a 14 year old. He also has quite a noticable shake in his hands and poor fine movement coordination. He finds it hard to follow a story and won't watch anything with a storyline, except The Simpsons. If we take him to the cinema you have to explain the while story to him afterwards and he's still confused. I hate putting labels to things but are these signs?

H also has some obsessive traits. He stresses about minor things, like a crumb on a worktop or a tiny mark on something. He also flies off the handle at really minor things and sulks. I put a lot of this down to being in the army, but maybe he's always been like it. I have asked him if he's also been angry and obsessive but he says he doesn't know. I love him to bits but he's not the easiest person to live with, by his own admission.

Would your son be be okay to go to the GP with you and asked for a referral to be assessed? I'm not a professional but based on what you have said, it is certainly worth seeking an assessment. It certainly would not harm. Good luck.

Hi Missus Jolly ?. You didn't marry my husband, did you?! Yeah, if ANYTHING gets broken or spilt, it's absolutely my fault. I MUST have done something. If he looses something, I've movied it and spillages are a nightmare. If he gets even a speck on his clothes in the middle of dinner, the meal is all tense because he's stressing about it until it's cleaned off and he's sure there will be no stain left ?. The times I've put my dinner down to clear up because it's not worth eating in a tense situation....! My husband tells me I've butterflies in my brain and that I wouldn't be able to cope with life if it weren't for a man looking after me (especially someone as together as him), but the reality is, I'm holding down a good job, I do most of the housework, nearly all of the childcare, am studying at post-grad level and still manage to cook all the meals etc. I drive and take care of the car maintenance etc. because, to be honest, life needs to run smoothly or all hell breaks loose.

I know what you mean about Aspie resources. They are quite male orientated but I guess it's just because it's so much more common. I'm pregnant again now and am sure I'm growing another one! ?.

Love the story about your daughter's great uncle. My daughter's fish died the other day and she was prodding it in the freezer bag I put it in. I told her to leave it alone as she was in danger of squashing it. Both her and her dad looked at me as if I was mad and she pointed out, "Why? It doesn't care. It's dead". I sobbed when my first fish died! ?

Hey, if ever you want to sound off, you know where I am. It's fab for me to hear someone else is in this situation. It makes me feel a bit like I'm not REALLY going mad!!!! ?

Thank you all for your replies I really appreciate it. What you have written about living with it is so true. His sister addressed the situation the other night with him and since then he's been completely withdrawn and moody. I think he's realised that actually he does tick all the boxes and is processing it in his mind. I'm too worried to bring it up incase I sound 'sarcastic' or say it the wrong way. I don't get on here often anymore but if anyone wouldn't mind talking to me more about it I'm on FB. Ceri Hazelden,

Thanks again x

Hi CJ. I am an adult with Asperger's, diagnosed as an adult. If I can help with any questions, please do ask. Sounds like you have some good resources though now. Someone mentioned the National Autistic Society (NAS) - I'd second the recommendation.

Hi CJ - I'm off to pack for my holiday tomorrow, so if you do ask a question, please don't think I'm ignoring you! Good luck getting your information.

I think my H- in fact several people have suggested he ought to pursue a diagnosis. He's spent the day in bed as the server broke and can't be fixed easily. Apparently Aspergers and manic depression are linked, and my H is a manic depressive. Things can be very tough. Sometimes it's a lot to shoulder. But he's amazing too. I completely understand the keeping everything running smoothly for an easier life.

I think info is the key. It helps me to deal with him and it's certainly helped him understand himself.

Thank you again. It really helps to know there are other people out there who understand. I'm struggling a bit at the moment and think that understanding this will help tremendously. He's been through a really tough year and lost everything he ever had. I've moved 200 miles to be with him and he's been on anti-depressants. We had a brief spell where he was suicidal but seems to have come through that now I've given him a home and some stability. It really helps seeing what some of you have explained as I'm an independent, loving person yet get told I am clingy and overpowering. Although I am probably wrong for self diagnosing I am 100% sure he has Aspergers and makes it easier to understand things.

I think sometimes self-diagnosis is all we have and although I fully acknowledge that it's not really a substitute for proper diagnosis, it can be difficult to obtain one. The NAS have some advice on approaching adults about the possibility of Asperger Syndrome. I'm lucky in that, although we don't have a diagnosis, my husband also fully recognises that he probably does have it - perhaps not to the same extent as our daughter.

You are definitely not alone and I think that there are thousands of families coming to terms with this condition. Like I said, it's just as difficult, if not more so, for those with the condition but I do also know there are times when I feel incredibly isolated.

It's not all bad and in some ways, I am really grateful Asperger's came into my life. Meeting my husband and subsequently and especially having my daughter has enabled me to view the world in a new and almost childlike way. Science and maths have become more important to me than ever as I know my husband and daughter (even though she's only 5) find comfort in the order that these subjects can offer. Stupid example, but I'm a planetary science teacher and I love taking her to museums, outside or picking up crystals from her rock box and counting the sides with her to show her that there is a lot of order in the universe, despite the fact that she finds the world chaotic. Also that, chaos can be beautiful and not necessarily so scary.

It's hard to be a loving person when the people who mean the most to us don't always seem to reciprocate. There have been times when I've convinced myself that it's because they just don't feel the same. My daughter once said to me that she would be OK if I died as there are others around to look after her. My family reassured me that she didn't mean it - but she did. And whilst I am so happy to know that she recognises that she's surrounded by people who love and care for her, it really hurt and sometimes haunts me. My husband is equally pragmatic. But I know that they DO love me - just maybe in a different way to the way I might expect or express it in a different way. As my mum says, the very fact that they can both come home after a bad day at work or school and kick off with me (school bags thrown at me, sobs as soon as the front door is shut etc.) shows that they feel at home with me and confident enough with me to do it.

Families are always going to be complex units and human relationships are never easy. It's often quoted that 80% of aspie marriages end in divorce and, whilst we've come close, I am determined to do my very best to make it work.

I sometimes wish I had Asperger Syndrome, though.

Protostar, you talk a lot of sense. Although I'm not aspergers, I see a lot of traits in myself and in some ways he brings out an aspie side in me, if that makes sense, for example, we both love science and maths, and have vast spreadsheets, with data anylsis of all our games of Uno/Scrabble scores etc, which I like to do, he just takes it to an exteme.

I can see why the 80% in quoted. It's terribly hard sometimes, and here, the manic depression also plays a part and I think when either the mania or the depression hits he's almost more aspie, whereas when things are stable, he becomes less reliant on the routines and repetetive activities that characterise Aspergers.

As you say, I love my H completely and utterly- just some days I don't want the responsibility.

The depression, from what I've heard, is really common, especially amongst males, but it must make it so hard to deal with.

Have you seen the film Adam. It seemed to be in the cinema for about 5 mins. We went to see it together and I think it spoke to both of us.

I'd like to find out if h has some sort of asd. He has so many of the traits and his depression is quite bad atm. We also have a nephew (on his side) with autism and his mum got his family all to do an asd test - h scored really highly and it basicly said he has aspergers (although I'm not sure how good these tests are as I've had a go at some of them including this one and nearly always score higher than him).

As far as I understand a test like the Autism Quotient can give an indication that an individual may have ASD tendencies. It cannot, however, say that an individual has a definite disorder, like Aspergers. Particularly as Aspergers and High Functioning Autism are remarkably similar.

The wider problem is that there appears, in our experience, to be little interest in diagnosing adults. Our daughters diagnosing consultant suggested that Mr J pursued assessment, which is not a diagnosis in itself, but indicates that she thought there was a possibility. His GP however, seems to have no interest in following this up. Many people argue that there is little point in obtaining the label. In actual fact since we have all but assumed that Mr J may be an Aspie it has helped him and I tremendously. He's not here to argue with me at the moment, but I think that he would back me up on that.

Protostar, with a 5 year old daughter myself I can imagine that cutting like a knife. You have made a valid point and this is what I am aiming to do, is understand it. Things can be said here and I take them at face value but with understanding what I think is his situation I can take it differently. I just need him to see it and understand it.

I have been spending some time with his sister and her 9 yr old who has been diagnosed and seeing how she deals with him. Taking his actions and words and understanding why they are said and done and what it actually means. He plays football and knows the rules inside out. When the referee disallowed a goal that actually did go in he couldn't let it go and spent the rest of the game following the ref around the pitch explaining that rules are rules and he was wrong. He exhausted himself in the end but could not let it go.

It seems we went through an era of not understanding these syndromes, then an era of understanding them and sticking a 'label' on anyone and now they seem reluctant to diagnose again. I know my boyfriends sister went through huge troubles to get someone to listen to her and I know a lot of this was down to funding.

I too can see how the 80% is quoted. I'm finding it hard being a couple and we have no mortgage, child or marriage to hold us together. But I can't just give up.

I can absolutely see why the 80% is quoted. But the overriding irony in all of this is that we probably fell in love with them because of the positive Aspie tendencies. Loyalty (I bet we can all say that we know he's never going to stray), the intelligence, the alternative wit, the inbuilt bullcrapometer etc etc. So you have to look at the bad stuff and try and balance it out. Understanding and looking at things from a different perspective (he simply cannot help reacting in that way, I need to accept and work around that etc) can help. But sometimes though it does become almost unbearable. Not sure if that makes sense, but this is certainly my truth.

Missus Jolly, you've summed up exactly what I've been trying to work all day yesterday. Being married to an aspie, to me, swings between unbearable to ecstacy. I love the bullcrapometer comment, that's so true.

I find it eye opening to try to think from his perspective. Also when things are unbearable for me, it's got to be a darn sight worse for him.