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Lydia
Beginner October 2022 Bristol

Bridesmaid Disaster!

Lydia, 8 August, 2022 at 21:22 Posted on Planning 0 14
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Evening, apologies in advance for the rant but I am feeling a bit frustrated and need to offload! We are due to get married in 9 weeks and today one of my two bridesmaids has bailed on me.


I asked her earlier this year to be BM after a previous one let me down. She was very excited but then went completely off the radar. All I ever wanted was a bit of help with the hen do but she did nothing. She’s a really lovely person but I couldn’t help feeling for months why she didn’t help with any of the planning of it. In fact I hadn’t heard from her at all. She finally reached out to me today apologising and saying that she didn’t feel it was her place to be BM knowing that she hadn’t contributed but has a lot going on in her personal life. I said I would have understood had you told me this but why leave it so late??
I’m now left with one bridesmaid but tbh with 3 years of planning a wedding I just don’t feel that close to her. I have tried but she also hasn’t shown much interest.
I have two really close friends I could ask and I think they would be really happy (just scared to ask!) one of them has just told me she’s feeling really depressed and I’m not sure if this would be a good time for her or not? I wouldn’t want to add to her load but could be a distraction.
Also. The BM who let me down today wants to know if she’s still invited. I’m sure I’ll calm down soon but no idea how to respond atm
Any advice?

14 replies

Latest activity by Dr Vincent, 11 August, 2022 at 17:09
  • Charlotte
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    So sorry this has happened so late in the day. I dont get why people just cant be honest, if she felt this way she should have said so before now. Personally, if I was you I would just not have any BM's as it seems that sadly none of your choices have really taken the time to support you,so do you really want them in all your pics and having an important role on your day when frankly it doesn't seen they deserve it. Or ask the other 2, you never know for the one that is down it maybe a good thing, give her a focus, but make it clear to her that you dont expect her to do much, have you had your Hen, or is it organised now? Is so upsetting and can see why you are angry, but keep the focus on what the point of the day is, you and your H2B getting married, all the other stuff that goes alongside it is not worth your time, draw a line and focus on the 2 of you

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  • Lydia
    Beginner October 2022 Bristol
    Lydia ·
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    Thank you. It is a really disappointing position to be in but I’m trying to turn it into a positive I guess. One of the girls I was going to ask has been a massive support in running and organising the hen do and is very much in my daily life. The other is an old friend and I know she’s hinted heavily previously at being MOH. I can only ask and hopefully they will be up for it. My current remaining BM is fine but I would prefer to have more reliable/closer friends on the day (if they’re up for it ).
    Yes the hen do is all organised and going well but that is down to my friend (non-BM) for organising. It would be lovely to get her onboard as a thank you for her help.
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  • Leanne
    Dedicated September 2022 West Yorkshire
    Leanne ·
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    Yeah would ask yourself if you actually need bridesmaids after this as I can understand you fears right now.
    I have gone untradional and have a man of honour and a 35 year old man as my flower girl 👧 no bridesmaids (course I also got told my wedding is very male centric ha)
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Agree with the others on this x i was once asked to be a bridesmaid for my sister was so looking forward to it but that didnt happen she didnt even invite me to her hen and as it got closer to wedding she said i dont want you at least they have told you but left it late i was told 3 weeks b4 was gutted I think you should ask them see what they say x💗 good luck x
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    And just remember the most important thing you and h2b x💗
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  • A
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    This might be an unpopular opinion but it sounds like you've had a lot of close friends bail... is there something they are concerned about that they're not telling you?

    I highly doubt it is this extreme but a few years ago I was in an abusive relationship that I couldn't see because I was in it, I only found out after the break up (4.5 years in...) just how concerned my close friends were!

    I'd just suggest having a conversation to get to the root of why they don't feel they can support you, especially the ones that have bailed this close to the date.

    I don't mean this to come across nastily or anything, and hopefully it's just a few unfortunate coincidences that are nothing to do with you or FH, but I do think it's safest to have the conversations Smiley heart

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  • Lydia
    Beginner October 2022 Bristol
    Lydia ·
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    I see where you’re coming from, I’ve even questioned it myself… the recent one was due to personal circumstances around her job, commitments to fostering, partner not working etc. The previous girl we just drifted apart but it wasn’t until after I asked her to be BM that she said quite bluntly that she wasn’t interested in helping with the hen do as it didn’t interest her! 🤦🏼‍♀️ (She’s South African and very blunt!) It’s circumstances like that which you can’t change as had I known she was going to be like that I might have thought twice in asking her. The current remaining one there is no issue with, I think with planning a wedding over covid (three years) and her moving three hours away we have drifted apart slightly.
    I don’t expect anything from the BM’s apart from perhaps some help on the hen do (it’s not even a wild one) and turning up on the day.

    I’m not perfect but really don’t consider myself to be toxic at all, if anything I’m fiercely loyal to my friends but it hasn’t happened back. It’s probably down to life circumstances but still frustrating.
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  • Lydia
    Beginner October 2022 Bristol
    Lydia ·
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    I also think the main issue is that I don’t live close to the BM’s (current and one gone). They’re both about three hours away. In hindsight one at least really needed to be a friend that I see on a regular basis to keep the momentum going.
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  • Lydia
    Beginner October 2022 Bristol
    Lydia ·
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    That’s so awful, why would your sister not invite you? I’m so sorry that happened to you xx
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  • Lydia
    Beginner October 2022 Bristol
    Lydia ·
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    In fact I’ve answered my own question! I asked both girls (a while back) because we used to be really close but as time has moved on were not so much now. Life happens I guess. My OH says if I were closer to them (logistically and emotionally) that it would be different. Problem is once you’ve asked there’s no going back. I’ve made closer friends since then.
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Its okay i am not inviting her to my wedding so im not bothered xhow is it going with bridesmaids x💗
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Thats the only thing isent it we cant go back on what we say x sorry my sister didnt invite me to hen or ask ask me to be bridesmaid when she had 3 weeks to go i was meant to be bridesmaid i went the wedding still not inviting her to mine x💗
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  • Lydia
    Beginner October 2022 Bristol
    Lydia ·
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    I had the opposite with my sister. She was incredibly toxic with me all my life and in the end I had to not invite her to our wedding (not saying this is similar to you!) but it’s your day and you have to do what’s best for you.


    Well I’ve not asked them yet, I’ve ordered cards and gifts from Etsy and will ask over the weekend. I wanted to get it straight in my head first and not act out impulsively. I’m thinking it will be fine, however it turns out! Xx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Thats me and my sister everytime she had a bf i was always accused of liking them we would always fight but i always wanted to marry my h2b with just us and kids my family new this found i had starting planning now i dont talk to them or my friends my boys will give me away and my daughter is bridesmaid x. Hope they are happy when they receive it x💗 and it can be how you want it x
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