Bridesmaid is a single mum - who's being selfish

I think everyone else has covered the spectrum of opinions so far, but this is precisely the reason that we have opted not to exclude children.

I can understand where you're coming from in a way - she knew about the 'no children' rule from the start, but she can;t help it if her arrangements fall through at the last minute.

If you don't have kids, don't like kids and opt to have a child free wedding, then that's fine. It's your day and you have it the way you want. We don't have kids ourselves, but we have nieces and nephews who we want to share our day with. I find it really hypocritical to say 'these kids can come but yours can't'. At the end of the day I have a few friends with children - some of whom have a great support network and will choose to come and have a party and a day off, and one couple in particular who have no one at all who can look after their children, given the distance/length of time they'll be away! - But it's more important to me to have my friends there, and as my friends', particularly my closest friends', children are now as much part of our friendship as they are. I don't want to exclude anyone, or miss them being there for the simple issue of childcare.

I agree with the others so far who have said if there's going to be other children there that surely one more child won't hurt?

I can see both sides - personally I would assist her with trying to find another babysitter but if in 2 weeks time it's still not possible then bite the bullet and invite her child as by this point she has attempted to find alternative arrangements but hasn't been able to.

If not you risk losing more then a few quid on an additional children's menu - you risk losing a friendship over something. Everyone rallies around at a wedding and in 3 weeks time you can introduce her to an adult who can assist during the ceremony that way they are not a stranger either your parents or another friend, brother with kids so she isn't on her own etc. Table plans can be re-arranged - with 5 weeks to go you will probably have to do this anyway for last minute non attendee's anyway.

If the cost of the meal is the issue then ask your BM to contribute

I have tried to keep out of this but have just read through all this again and felt the need to comment.

I don't think you are selfish, I think you are stressed and not thinking clearly.

I was a single mum for 5 years and If I was BM I would be feeling awful at the moment, I didn't have a network of family or friends to call on.

I understand you put in a rule and she knew that, have a chat with her to find out what has happened and what she has done to try and resolve things.

I think things have blown up in your head, and on this thread to be honest - the written word can sometimes be too powerful.

Once all options have been explored with BM if there is still no sitter then I think you need to have a good think about what is important to you, as you may not just be loosing a BM you could be losing a friend.

This is a rough one. I was a single mum for a couple of years and faced a similar dilema to your friend. I didn't go to the wedding in the end and it caused all kinds of drama!!

First off I don't think anyone is being selfish. It's not selfish at all of you not to want her daughter there - you were clear from the outset about no kids. She obviously didn't have a problem with that and arranged a sitter without any fuss.

But she's not being selfish by asking to bring her daughter either. If she's anything like me there is probably only a handful of people she can trust with her baby girl. Going to a wedding usually involves an overnight stay - it's hard to find someone willing to do that. Especially at short notice. I wouldn't suggest helping her arrange cover. I wouldn't leave my daughter with someone I didn't know personally - regardless of who they were or how I found out about them. I'd just worry myself to death about her.

Before talking to her take a deep breath and try to step away from this (glass of wine might help!). I'd ask what she wants to do as a solution - does she want to have her daughter there all day? Has she thought it through? She might still be looking at other alternatives and just trying to see if taking her daughter is an option. Then work out a plan. Kids will make friends easily - maybe she can sit with your daughter? At 6 I would imagine she can sit at a table and eat without needing to be supervised. Especially with another girl the same age. It might be nice for your daughter to have another friend to play with?

It's so easy to get caught up in all the excitement of arranging your wedding and now it's close it's natural that a change of plan will frustrate you. But the big question is - is it worth your friendship with her? You asked her to be a bridesmaid for a reason. Try and remember that

Errr, but didn't the OP's title and first post actually ask who was being selfish and if she was? Were we not actually meant to answer her question then?

And you probably didn't hurt others feelings by saying they were being nasty even though they directly answered the OP's question?

Some of these responses are a bit extreme, but I do agree with the majority. Our wedding is child free, but we're lucky that none of our close friends or family has kids. If one of my bridesmaids (who are my best friends in the world) had kids then they would probably be invited. If I still had a no kids but then she was let down at relatively short notice (eg 5 weeks) then I would welcome her with open arms to support my friend.

Obviosuly I'm not married yet but I have been a bridesmaid and have never been sure exactly what I'm meant to do! There will be plenty of people to help you get ready, and once they've walked me down the aisle I consider their job done!

You know best what to do, but do make sure you don't lose a friend over this....

Pugsley - Spot on!

Absolutely this! In fact, taking a quote from 1 Corinthians 13: Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others.

(This is the only time you're going to find me being all gushy on here, seeing as I'm well and truly a bitter old married now, so remember it forever...)

Marriage is a celebration of love, it's the coming together of two people madly in love. And a wedding is celebrating that love with everyone around you, showing others how truly wonderful it is. It's not a time to be selfish, and it's certainly not a time to lose friends. I couldn't ever have imagined my wedding day without my best friend there, it's just inconceivable. I would have done absolutely anything to ensure she was there beside me.

I absolutely understand that, as a bride, you have this vision of your perfect wedding day, and in your vision there are no kids at this wedding (except yours). And I absolutely understand that if you don't want her "princess" there (I find the word 'princess', by the way, slightly ironic given your username), then you don't have to have her there. But I have to say that you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you tell her she can't come. You're dropping your best friend and bridesmaid because of an unfortunate situation that can't be helped? Imcomprehensible to me.

This!

They're simply pointing out that the OP asked if she was being selfish and they gave their honest opinions. You're the one that called people nasty when all they did was answer the OP's question honestly. The whole point of a forum is to be honest - otherwise what's the point?

? When will people learn to understand the concept of a public forum?

People are just being honest. Sometimes during wedding planning people can get caught up in things and end up being a bit of a bridezilla, or focusing too much on little things and getting bogged down. When a question is asked here, people take the time to be truthful, because it helps people to have an opinion from someone who isn't as close to the situation, or who is going through/has gone through the same processes. You won't get strong responses like this on the shoe or dress posts because people either think they're pretty and say so, or not and they say nothing. You will always get stronger responses where an opinion of this nature is sought. And that is the point, an opinion was sought. The OP didn't say I'm right end of, she said who is being selfish, and even if she was sure it was her friend, she invited those opinions. Please don't get upset on behalf of others when opinions are sought and duly given, and remember that sometimes people need that little shove back to reality

I don't believe saying someone is being disrespectful is nasty. It's blunt but that's not the same thing. It's not a personal slight - as MrsShep points out, sometimes people can slip into bridezilla mode and need a little bluntness where their family/close friends won't provide it. Nobody is saying the OP is evil or anything close.

Oh now, she hasn't been ripped apart at all. People have pointed out that the OP asked for opinions so can't complain when they are blunt or not to her liking. Reiterating the nature of a public forum is not being ripped apart. On a music forum I used to use, I was followed from thread to thread by someone, being called every name under the sun and accused of having various STDs. Try that and then see how you define "ripped apart".

Wow, on first reading i see a few women with claws out. What does it really matter, it is your wedding day if you dont want other children there that is your choice. I think if it was me i would be quite annoyed at the friend, you gave a years notice and she still has 5 week to find a sitter but i would consider letting her daughter come. I personally dont have children myself and i would say im not maternal i do think this can make you quite short with other peoples kids as maybe i dont have the understanding yet as current parents do, all the same its your wedding do what you feel is right

No the difference is that nobody has accused Tink of being nasty, she has accused others and they have a right to defend themselves. If you don't like the comments of others, then ignore them. Nobody forces you to read them or to agree. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and everyone can answer a question. Tink is the only one complaining about the opinions of others. Time to get over it and move on don't you think?

Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on the meaning of that phrase. My point was not to cry about my experiences, it was that people need to toughen up. You absolutely cannot ask people to stop responding to you on a public forum. If you post something, you gotta stand by it.

Go and look at that comment again. It's got a little winky face right next to it that you have dropped here.

Little winkey smilies mean that a comment is meant in a light hearted way.

Maybe you need to chillax a bit. The original poster has not complained that people were being nasty. She didn't like the responses (understandable), but she has NOT complained people were being nasty.

I would also suggest that this isn't the thing to say on a wedding forum. Of course it is a big thing, don't belittle that. But don't expect your day to be the focus of everyone else's lives either.

Quoting someone is not ripping them apart Janine. People quote so that it's easier to follow the point they are making. If you write a post and in the meantime 10 other people have posted it can be difficult to follow the thread and what individual posters think.

If Twiink posts on a public forum she has to accept that the other people using the public forum can respond to her and in that she must allow them to use their own style of response (that may or may not include quoting her and then commenting on what she's said).

She's just done it herself anyway so we don't need to worry that she's upset anymore.

Ah, the big flounce - an account deletion! Nice.

Well at least she actually stuck to her guns.

hehe- i love it when i predict things accurately. soooooo buying a lottery ticket as i'm clearly psychic haha

this has gone mad hasn't it? here's another prediction- i totally see this thread winning awards at the 2015 hitched awards haha

In response to the OP - you are being selfish, she is being a mother who is struggling to find someone to look after her child and probably feels awful about it. If it's a choice of her daughter coming to the wedding and your bridesmaid being there against her not coming, you are going to lose a lot more than the cost of her meal, depends on how much you value your friendship. I can't imagine having my bridesmaids there without their children, I love them as much as I love my bridesmaids, they are an extension of my family.

Off you pop to Confetti then. They will fluff you and tell you what you want to hear and not dare to have opinions that contradict yours there, if that's what you want.

Woah! Just caught up on this.

OP- 'I want my bridesmaid to be helping me get ready on the day and not running round after her princess' sounds really spoiled, which is why I think people have been quick to tell you how it is. I also think there is a huge contradiction to saying 'no kids' then having your own in attendance. A way to resolve this would be to try to reach a compromise with your BM. In other words, you should be talking to her, not us.

Also, this is an internet forum. People have the ability to hide behind their anonymity and are thus more likely to be honest with you, this is one of the reasons I like the forum as there are no biases and people tell you exactly what they think. But as you have found, not everyone will sugar coat their answer. If this upsets you, I can understand why you may go elsewhere.

Well now the flouncing is over....

OP it is your day and you can make whatever decision you want - but you have to be prepared to live with the consequences of that decision.

You could invite her daughter and that will incur some re-arranging and small additional cost.

You could refuse to let her bring her daughter and that may mean that your BM can't come and may have implications for your future friendship.

Ofcourse it may be that she was just giving you advance warning of a possible problem and she may find a new sitter - although this sounds unlikely. Please bear in mind that even if she does find a sitter the sitter might not want to come to the evening do of a wedding where she knows no-one so your BM may still have to leave early.

Whatever happens, whatever you decide be sure that the outcome is the one you can most live with because once it's done you can't change it.

And please come back and tell us what happens, despite what some people have said, no-one has set out to give you a hard time, they just answered your question honestly. I am aware that you haven't attacked anyone for doing so. I respect you for that even if I disagree with you on other things.

Exactly this.

Ok for what its worth heres my view... and i do understand both sides...

So lucky you for always managing to be able to get a babysitter, many others cant. from what i can gather she accpted the no children rule and found herself a babysitter..but has been let down..im unsure how this is her fault?!?! with only 5 weeks to go maybe other people whom she could ask have already made plans hence why she said she 'MIGHT' be able o only make the ceremony. you also need to consider that people who maybe able to watch her 'princess' wont find your wedding day as important as you do so dont want to run around accomodating your needs and bringing her daughter to the venue.

I completely understand you deciding to have no children at the wedding...its a big added cost...im also not having any children except my own and nieces and nephews..my MOH has 2 children herself and thankfully has managed to get a sitter (for the time being anyway!) but iv alreaady had a message from a cousin saying they would be unable to come unless she could bring her son to the wedding due to childcare and the only people she would leave her son with will also be at the wedding. which i knew when he had the no children rule i would hav to accept some peopple wont be able to come. so iv told her she will be missed but feel free to come in the evening with her child.

you say her daughter is 6 so shes at an age where she can sit quietly through the ceremony maybe next to your daughter? its not like shes a toddler so needs o be watched.

I guess what im saying is you either need to decide whether to accept her child comes too or she doesnt and isnt your BM anymore..which could have implications..

Try and be a bit more understanding to how she feels and how muhc you truly value her friendship..i know if it was my bestfriend (MOH) it would be a no brainer..bring the kids!!

Thankyou for all your opinions. I have taken all on board and i am taking her out for dinner to see what we can sort. It has been a bit of a reality check, I think when u plan a wedding u know exactly how u want things to go and when they dont it can be stressfull. Its not how i want things but i guess rising a frienship over a few hrs is silly. Hopefully we can sort something out.

That's great to hear SP. I'm sure with an open mind you'll come to something that works. I'm sure she feels really awful. Good luck and do let us know how you get on. Xx