Bridesmaid is a single mum - who's being selfish

What a lovely response- i'm so glad you've not allowed this run-away post to sour your views on hitched or your situation. i truly wish you a positive solution.

It is easy to get carried away with imagining the perfect day, and we all need a reality check from time to time! Good luck with it all :-)

That's great!

I was the same way and when I kinda let go a bit and went with it I enjoyed the planning a lot more.

Fingers crossed all goes well at dinner and you resolve things or come to a compromise :-)

That's great news, let us know how things go x

Very pleased to see your response S-P! I really, really hope it goes well and you can get something sorted between you.

OP, glad you're going to try and talk things through with your friend. ? I hope you manage to work something out.

Thats nice to take her out to talk about it. Echo others regarding your response.

On another matter, what the heck is with all the expectations gooeyiness & fluffiness - what is wrong with giving an honest opinion??? I say boo to all this.

Late to this.

For what it's worth I'm on your side OP and would not want extra children at my wedding. But maybe I am selfish too ?

So I understand your vision of your daughter being only flower girl however your friend needs a dig out here she's tried and she just can't make it work - some would refuse to even try? I do find it quiet hard that a close enough friend to be bm hasn't spent time with you and your daughter but we don't know reason there. She doesn't necessarily need a title but she needs to simply stop with her mum speak with perhaps an older kind relative explain situation maybe she would be OK sat with them? Speak with photographer to get her on less photos?

Your wedding is the best day of your life. It isn't the best day of your friends in sorry to say.

so the next 5 weeks are your wedding - fancy not having such a special friend in 5 weeks and a day?

don't risk it just sucker it up and do what deep down you know you'll end up doing anyway

These posts do my head in. They get so much attention and no one is really helping, just jumping in with thier two cents. They are just pointless debates of this and that and everyone giving thier opinion on this type of subject, yes everyone is intitled to an opinion but c'mon why not help someone who actualy wants advice on thier wedding instead of creating an uproar of 80ood coments on something like this post?!

these type of posts just show how most of you like a bit of petty drama.

Ah man, an ACTUAL flounce. Haven't had that in a while!!

OP - good for you! hope your dinner and chat go to plan and you can resolve this.

I'm so glad you've come back to post this. The thread did degenerate somewhat. I think you're doing the right thing and it certainly isn't a matter worth losing a friendship over.

I kind of think giving your opinion and advice go hand in hand - you can't separate out the two to that degree. Most people initially gave an opinion on the lines of "I think you should let your BM's daughter come" or "I think you should help her find another sitter" etc. Those things also constitute advice. Only when people started accusing each other of being nasty or ripping each other apart did things get out of hand.

A flounce and I wasn't even involved! Result!

To the OP- yes I think you are being selfish, I didfnt have kids there except immediate family but in this instance with 5 weeks to go and all other options not available I would have allowed this child to attend, but hey, you know that already or you wouldn't be asking.

I can understand not wanting to have children at your wedding especially if you are the type to get upset if a child is likely to have a massive tantrum or make loads of noise right in the serious part of the ceremony, but 6 is old enough to sit quietly, right? and some people aren't bothered by that kind of thing anyway.

I do think its a bit cheeky to have other children there and not have invited the BM's daughter though, why have one rule for some and different rules for others?

Let us know how you and your BM resolve it.

If I can be brutally honest, I think if anyone has the right to be mad it's your bridesmaid. Yes it's your day but from the way you described the first post it sounds like you have been completely unreasonable and to be honest I think it is incredibly selfish to ask someone to be in your bridal party but not invite her child. You have kids the same age so surely you are close with them. If you told me what you have told her I would hear;

" only children really close to me are coming, family... but you can be a part of my wedding but you can't bring your child....oh but i'll maybe let her come to the evening" ... sounds nasty and I would be incredibly annoyed if i was her.

Childcare mishaps happen, she can't help it, not her fault. And to put it in perspective if there is a choice between your wedding and her child not being in the care of someone she trusts ANY parent would say no to the wedding. Their children come first, as a mother you should be more understanding in my opinion.

My sister is a single mum, completely, and so was my mum. My mum didn't attend any event that we couldn't come to and she would always say she wouldn't choose a party over her kids, especially because she only trusted a handful of people to babysit, if her friends had an event they would invite us too because they understood how hard it was for her. My sister is more lucky in the sense she has loads of people she trusts to babysit but she is saying she would never go to a "friends" wedding if he wasn't invited, mainly because most of her friends have kids and all their kids are friends ...

I havent read other responses or replies yet but if you haven't decided yet i would strongly suggest inviting the child, think about it, you were going to invite the child and the babysitter to the evening, it would work out the SAME PRICE to just put a child on the main meal reception :/ I don't see a problem with that.

Hey SP, just wanted to wish you good luck for your meal. Hope it all works out.

Hello!

First off don't let it stress you! Im not a parent, single or otherwise but I am a great believer is taking a deep breath, a step back, and looking at the bigger picture. So here goes,

Who is watching your daughter, while you get ready? And as they are the same age and you are obviously close with the BM are your kids not friends? It must be hard getting a sitter from whatever time in the morning through to midnight or so, so is it really that terrible if she is there for the day, a 6 year old isn't going to need a full meal, pack a picnic! move the BMs off the top table? I know its a pain but is it really worth losing a friendship over? really? because that's what will happen, it creates tension, and thats not good for wrinkles, and wrinkles are never good!

I don't think that this needs to be as stressful as you are making it, whats the worse that can happen?

I really hope you manage to get it sorted though, keep us posted!

Ooops we must have posted about the same time1 Good luck with your dinner, hope it gets sorted.

I don't understand this we're got plenty of people coming to our wedding who have kids but they are happy to have the night off! We're not invited any children because so many of our friends / family have young children that if we invited them all there'd be more kids than grown ups! It's not a kids party and they're just get bored and the parents won't be able to relax.

Scenarios are different, people are different, some are okay to leave their kids from weddings (im giving my guests the option to bring or leave their kids) but if you invite some kids and then say no to others, especially if part of the bridal party, i wouldn't go and my sister said she wouldn't (im not a single mum but sister is) ... and her group of friends are all pretty close and have loads of outings together, they are friends, their children are friends, they see it as a better day if their kids get to play. To YOU a wedding isn't a childrens party, but some think children make a wedding. I think its great, when i go to weddings and see the kids playing together it is so sweet, they dance and have fun and i want kids at my day. Then again i have loads of children in my family so again, different situations. You don't understand our way of thinking but i don't understand yours, but i respect your opinion, i know why some people don't like the "cons" to having children at your day but for me personally the pros are a much longer list; guests feeling more welcomed, seeing them dance, they kinda add cute-ness but i know the cons: if they are very young and cry during cermony but there are ways to stop this, placing guests with young children near the exit, having kid packs for dinner tables, having a toy box for the kids.

To OP i still stand by what i said, it wouldnt cost much difference to just invite child to the full day and not pay for the sitter (which isnt even existing right now) to the evening. It may be a ten pound difference at most for a child to attend as opposed to an adult and a child to the evening. Ten pound isn't much to ensure your bridesmaid feels welcomed on your day. I hope you work it out for the sake of your friendship, obviously you value her friendship or you wouldnt have picked her to be a BM.

Kind of think its time to let this thread go in terms of advice. op has taken lots on board, and is doing something positive with it. no point keep re-hashing things that have already been said.