Do you have a dress code/uniform for work?

You shouldn't feel you have the right to dictate any of it to him. If he wants to do those things for you great, if he doesn't then why should he?

Just seems to be disrespectful to me, that's all.

CB, I don't think your requests to your H are unreasonable, BUT if I was to make the same requests of my H, he'd be really unhappy. He'd possibly even have a teenage strop over it! He tends to wear band t-shirts and combat trousers all the time (although he does wear a shirt - never a tie - and suit trousers to work) and I have a real battle to get him just to swap over to 'nice jeans' if we're going out for the day. He had a real problem with me asking him to have his hair cut last Christmas - it was shoulder length, lovely if brushed but he never took care of it so it always just looked messy - and I had to get his mother to nag him to wear a smart shirt to the triennial family gathering!

He has absolutely no interest in dressing smartly when he's at home, isn't interested in skin care regimes, will happily spend all weekend slobbing around in shorts and t-shirts and only maybe having a shower. It doesn't bother me at all, although I have a very different outlook on my own appearance. We respect one another's very different opinions. Unless I have to be seen in public with him, then I nag

Exactly. That's what I mean. I thought someone might come up with a smart answer implying that you were only happy if he made an effort. Which isn't the case, obviously!

But no0one made those comments anyway, so... ?

I don't think CB dictates anything to Mr CB, AJ. It's not like she keeps him under lock and key and tells him "if you don't sort out that monobrow, no tea for you".*

I think anyone, male or female feels considerably better once they have made an effort with their appearance. Your attitude is positively Amish, AJ!

*The fact this is the case for Mr Spangler is neither here nor there.

BTW, I don't mean to imply that your requests mean you don't respect how you husband wants to dress! My point was that you clearly do respect one another if he's happy to acquiesce to what you've asked of him, and although my H & I don't necessarily always present ourselves in the way the other would if it was 100% our choice, doesn't mean we respect each other less. I've lost myself. Must have more tea.

Ok, I see your point, aj and agree it wouldn't be nice to dictate those things to him. Thankfully my expectations are in line with his and so I've never had to make those requests.

Other than the nasal hair thing a few times. I'm shorter than him so get the best view!

CO - your husband sounds very different to mine and had Mr CB been like that I'd have adjusted my expectations accordingly. Agree completely on the respect point you make.

Also, I'd say a request or expectation is pretty different from it being a dictatorship.

I suppose again it's all down to context. If you ask once and say no, that should be it. To then nag and nag forever, adding emotional blackmail "if you really loved me you would" and refusing to be seen in public with him, then that's effectively a dictatorship.

That's not what CB said she did though... ?

In fact, she said that her H had those same expectations!

AJ, if your b2b did want to wear lots of makeup and get a spray tan what would you say?

I couldn't agree more. Quite where you've seen me say that's what happens I'd be interested to know.

Controversial!

I'm sure I am speaking for the majority when I say that my husband loves me no matter what colour my hair is, how tanned I am, what I am wearing and whether I wear makeup or not. I am sure he finds me more attractive when I make an effort but that's human nature surely. He also can see I am happier when I take care of myself so that in turn makes him happier.

Also, being "made up" doesn't necessarily equate to looking fake either.

It's not a situation that would ever happen because she's just not interested in that sort of thing.

I know she's having makeup for the wedding, that's her choice, and she knows my feelings on the subject. I do understand that it's often necessary for the sort of close up photography that you have at a wedding, and I think that she would probably not have bothered otherwise. But I do trust her that it won't be applied so thickly I won't recognise her.

I actually genuinely look a wreck without some make-up on. My skin has been awful for the last year so I'm very red and blotchy. I look ill without a bit of foundation to even out my skin tone. Ok I *could* leave my make-up at just that but I really enjoy playing around with the different effects of various coloured eyeshadows, different techniques of eyeliner- and my JOY at the eyelash extensions I had for the wedding was palpable. I use make-up to express my mood, just as I do with my clothing. I have cutesy days, vampish days, glamour puss days etc. I love having the freedom and the resources to play about with my appearance like that.

I haven't. I wasn't accusing you of anything. It was merely a theoretical situation.

Out of genuine curiosity AJ - and I mean this as respectfully as possible - do you think that your partner might be interested in this stuff if you didn't disapprove of it so much? Is it possible that her lack of interest in it has been shaped by your feelings, rather than it purely being how she feels about it?

She's never been into makeup, spray tans, hair dye etc before she met me, so she hasn't "stopped" doing it just because I'm around. Whether she thinks it's unnecessary, a waste of time/money/effort or whatever is really irrelevant. It's just not something that has ever factored highly in her life so my presence in it over the last couple of years hasn't affected whether she is or isn't interested in it.

But what if she was interested in it?

This has turned interesting!

To the OP, I wear smart clothes to work. It is a mixture within the separate departments but I tend to be in suits, skirt and blouse and trousers and smart top with heels. I actually prefer smart dress to work.

So why do I have my hair coloured, wear make up and paint my nails? Is it an attempt for men to notice me, or find me attractive? Hell no! It is simply because I want to, it makes me feel good and much better about myself. As Victoria Beckham said, the insight to a well kept woman is the state of her eyebrows and nails! I do not see that this is in any way linked to confidence. I have met and know many self concious(sp) people, women in particular who do not wear make up or make a particular 'effort'.

I suppose we all have a degree of expectations from our partners.

I know her well enough to be fairly confident that it will not happen.

I never really used to bother with make-up, but always kept my skin nice and eyebrows trained!! Recently I have got into make-up more, partly because I am getting older and it boosts my confidence a little, and partly because I enjoy it!

Mr C loves me how I am and would never dream of telling me not to do it and does joke that when we met I could be ready for a night out in 10 minutes and now it takes me an hour!! He likes how I look both with and without make-up. He likes me happy.

Just because I wasn't that into make-up when we met doesn't mean that he would try and stifle me and stop me changing now. Just as I don't stop him collecting watches!!!

?

I have to say that if I was married to a man with such extreme, strong opinions (many of which can't be backed up!) I think my self confidence would crumble.

Three cheers for my hubby who boosts my confidence when I need it, even if it means going along with something that I know he doesn't agree with - ie, curling my hair for me tonight, paying for me to get my lashes done today etc.

My friend was in a long term relationship with a man who was very controlling and opinionated. By the end of her relationship, she had no self esteem and used to walk around in tracksuits, no make up and her hair scrapped back, like she was on Jeremy Kyle! I'm sure he did it so she was no longer attractive (in his eyes) to the opposite sex as he was insecure....

But what if one day she walked past Debenhams and a cosmetics girl pulled her in for a makeover. She decided that she really liked it and was going to continue with the look. What would you say then? Would you say "go and scrub that cr8p off your face" like my dad used to say to me when I was 12?

I used to get that too.

These days, I put make up on my nine year old daughter if she's going to a party and show her what I'm putting on her and how to apply it.

My ex was the opposite and would call me plain or dumpy if I didn't wear heels or makeup.

Her mother didn't do that, therefore 'no makeup' is normal to her (her mother rarely wears makeup either). If you've bought up your daughter to accept wearing makeup as 'normal' then of course she's likely to continue wearing it as she grows up and is able to make the decision for herself that she wants to wear it.

My mother doesn't wear make-up and I rarely did as a teen, it is only now that I am getting into it.

People change, not being able to accept them as they grow is a recipe for disaster.

Ooh Mrs C this sounds exactly like me!

Our teen years are both a long way behind us.