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A
Beginner July 2022 Worcestershire

Family drama…

Alice, 17 of January of 2022 at 14:46 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 18
Hi all, apologises for the long message but I am desperately in need of some advice re sisters partner…
Starting from the beginning, I have known this man since I was 17 (now 29). My sister met him during a difficult patch in my families history, with parents separating and 2 of my 3 sisters estranging themselves from the family. It was a crushing time for all of us and at 17 I wasn’t coping well. When I turned 18 my father died and I was diagnosed with depression , I was frequently self medicating with alcohol and was spiralling. One evening my sisters partner sexually abused me, I was young, confused and scared and sought the help of my mum.
The advice was to stay quiet and leave it be, ‘it was the once and not worth hurting my sister over’. (Horrifying to type let alone say out loud 12 years later). I was in denial for a long time, believing in my later teens and early adulthood that I was in some way responsible for what happened. I love my sister and I have fought with the morals of not having told her what happened. Of course I want my sister at the wedding but I can’t have him there! I have spoken with my mum at length and albeit she can see why I wouldn’t want that she has also said that I need to invite him to ensure no damage is done to the family as a whole. It hurts deeply that they are focused on my sisters reaction to the potential news and that I am being asked to ignored what he did to save face again. I am no longer 18 and feel that I should stand up for myself and stop running scared of being pushed out of the family for respecting myself and my FH’s wishes. There are threats of family members not coming if he isn’t invited and I am at the end of my emotional tether... So my question is, do I stick with what I believe is right and not invite him or ignore the situation and move on. Note- my FH is aware of what happened with him and he is strongly of the opinion he cannot be there! Has never said anything as it pre dates him by about 8 years.
Any advice would be hugely appreciated, thank you all for reading!

18 replies

Latest activity by JimlFadetaupe, 25 of February of 2022 at 15:51
  • Stephanie
    Savvy June 2022 South West London
    Stephanie ·
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    Gosh I'm so sorry that happened to you and that it's all coming up at what should be a happy time!
    If I were in your shoes I would tell your sister and explain why you're not comfortable inviting him to your wedding. I personally agree with your FH that he shouldn't be invited and think it's damaging the family (aka you) to keep this a secret.

    I have never been in your shoes, and I don't think there's a solution to this that won't hurt someone. But, it's your life and your wedding: if I were you I'd make the decision that feels right for you and screw what everyone else wants you to do.

    No matter what you decide, I hope you have a wonderful day with your FH x

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  • Z
    Beginner July 2024 East Central London
    Zara ·
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    I’m so sorry to read this Smiley sad and also so sorry that your mum told to you keep quiet as that was most definitely not the right thing to do.


    I can’t imagine how difficult it must be but I think now would be the time to tell your sister what happened, as she’s not going to understand why you don’t want him there otherwise. if she doesn’t understand then I’m sorry to say that you are probably better off without her as heartbreaking as it may be. What he did is unforgivable and I couldn’t stand by someone that did that to anyone I knew let alone my sister. Of course that’s down to her but at the very least she should respect your wishes when he did something so terrible to you, even if she stays with him she should come to your wedding alone. I think the longer you put it off the worse you will feel and if you ignore this feeling then him being at your special day could potentially taint it, and your memories of it which is completely understandable. I’m sorry that you have other family members threatening not to come if he isn’t invited which I’m gobsmacked at if they know what happened to you, and as I said before perhaps you’re better off without people like that in your life / it could actually make them realise how awful they’re being if you put your foot down, but if they don’t I understand it will be extremely upsetting for you, but it will show you that you need to put yourself and your FH first.
    I hope you manage to resolve this without too much upset on your part, but you need to put yourself first. I hope you have an amazing day regardless 💗
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Can i just say how proud you should be for saying somethin but i think if you feel so much about this no dont invite him x I was raped by my ex partner he was 10 years younger than him at 18 he was 28 was controlling but i was young and blind my family adored him was a charmer but kept a dark secret he was sleeping with my best friend behind my back i didnt know any of this he was abusive mind controlling i came in late from work and thats when it happened i was shocked but didnt say anythin just to my best friend i took pictures of my bruises still not knowing my best friend was sleeping with him they eventually got caught out by me finding them in bed together a week later so i decided to report this but it got dropped because he had a witness my best friend and his best friend said he was with them. I told my family everythin and they didnt believe me still dont to this day im now 43 he still goes to see my parents with his wife and kids my best friend not xx But please do what you want it is hard i know its not like your story but i am thinking of you xx 💗💗💗💗💗
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Dear Alice, I am so sorry that this has happened to you and doubly sorry that you have had no support from your family over it. Your mother's response is beyond horrifying. Well done for having the courage to stand up against this.

    You mentioned that you believed "in my later teens and early adulthood that I was in some way responsible for what happened." I hope you have 100% realised and accepted that you were in no way responsible for what happened to you. The guilt and responsibility for your attack are 100% with your attacker.

    You are totally right not to invite this person to your wedding. His behaviour toward you means he has no right to be part of your special day (and do you really want to be looking at his face in your wedding pictures in 20 or 30 years time?) Also, this is not just about your welfare, but also about the safety of your other guests. It's quite unusual for a sexual assault to be a one-off. It's likely that he has abused other women in the same way and may still be doing it. You could be endangering the safety of any female guests if he attends.

    The way your mother (and other family members?) are pressuring you to cover up for this person and increase your own hurt to prevent any other family members being upset is completely disgusting and heartless. Ask yourself this - is it really such a great loss if people who treat you with such a total lack of love and respect don't come to your wedding? In your place, I'd be focusing on those people who do offer love and support. Remember the old saying that friends are the family we pick for ourselves? I think it may be time for you to pick yourself a new family.

    Lastly, have you ever had any counselling to process all of this? Sexual assault is a huge thing to heal from, as is betrayal from close family - the two combined is really toxic. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. I have a friend who has recently sought counselling over two decades after being assaulted by a family member, and it has been amazing to see the healing that has taken place in her life.

    I am so glad you have a fiance who is supporting you through this - I wish you all the best in your future life together, and hope you can build a supportive network of people around you after so many years of having your deepest needs belittled and ignored xxx

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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Totally agree with what you put it is hard xx💗
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  • A
    Beginner July 2022 Worcestershire
    Alice ·
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    Hi, I just want to say how deeply your message resounded with me. Thank you for such clear and moving words. You have hit the nail on the head over and over again.
    I have strongly considered cancelling the wedding to avoid this situation but then realise that person is continuing to affect my life.
    I think myself and my FH have reached the point that it is out of the question that he attends the wedding so we are in the process of preparing ourselves for the fall out in the family. Sadly, plan be will be a wedding without my closest family there. But like you said, the ones that really care will not miss it. My FH’s family are amazingly supportive and really want the best for us (we also have a little girl who is extremely excited!) Thank you again for your kind words and that goes for all the wonderful people who have shown such amazing support ❤️❤️
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  • A
    Beginner July 2022 Worcestershire
    Alice ·
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    Thank you all for your wonderful advice, you have all said what I was thinking, but it is so invaluable hearing it from other people! (Realise I may not be insane/cruel)
    Thank you for finding the time to comment, you have helped a very nervous bride to be feel a lot more confident! Xx
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  • H
    Dedicated May 2022
    HappyGoldBridesmaid18836 ·
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    I am so sorry to read this. I also hope that you have moved past the point of thinking it was your fault. I really am shocked that you were ever encouraged to keep this quiet for the sake of a quiet life. I agree with the other comments that it is completely inappropriate for this man to be at your wedding. It may ‘keep the family peace’ to not reveal what happened but what about your peace? Your own mental health is more valuable than keeping quiet just to make other people happy.
    Well done on starting to take steps to be open about what happened with your family. Unfortunately, there is likely to be a fall out but, as you said, the important people will still be at the wedding. X x
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Here any time we all are just message if you want to talk xx💗
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  • H
    Beginner July 2023 Oxfordshire
    Heather ·
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    So sorry to hear this Smiley sad how you've had to live through that is just awful.

    Purely from a wedding perspective, if you don't want him there, he should not be there.

    If family want to be manipulative with their behaviour, let them crack on.

    Your wedding day is about you and your partner, make sure that the people you invite are there because you WANT them to be, not because you feel like you HAVE to invite them xx

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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Hi hun how are you x💗
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    It can't have been an easy decision to make, but well done for standing up for yourself and your own healing against the demands of people who honestly don't seem to care about you the way they should. 100% right to exclude this person from your wedding, and if it excludes anyone else in the process - they are also people you don't need around you as they are not a positive or caring influence. I hope your wedding will be filled with joy and attended only by those people who are truly supportive of you. Best wishes x

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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Hi Alice wanted to check on you and see how you are doing xx💗
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  • Pinkcoffee22
    Dedicated April 2022 Staffordshire
    Pinkcoffee22 ·
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    Hi, Alice,


    I’m very late to this thread, but I just wanted to echo here what others have said:
    1. I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself—not only for who you are now but, more importantly, the You you were then; she deserves to have someone be her voice. You’re so so brave and courageous!
    2. I’m so sorry your mother has failed to support you. This keeping quiet is so so toxic and damaging for so many reasons. You deserve the very best support, and I have no doubt you’ll get it from the right people.
    3. Your wedding should be everything you want it to be, and so it goes without saying you shouldn’t have a sexual predator at your wedding, especially when that person has violated YOU. Have the day you dream of and want. It’s not about your sister or family or anyone else; just you and your fiancé.
    I’d love to know how everything has panned out and hope you’re being surrounded by love and support xx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    I hayley its worrying she has not been on since just hope everythin is okay with her xx
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  • Pinkcoffee22
    Dedicated April 2022 Staffordshire
    Pinkcoffee22 ·
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    My thoughts exactly… xx
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    Hope she is okay xx💗
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  • Emma
    Beginner October 2022 Norfolk
    Emma ·
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    Super late to this thread, hope you're doing okay Smiley heart

    What everyone has said is spot on, your wedding day is about you and your FH. I'm so sorry you're mother has not supported you like she should've, something like that should never be brushed under the carpet and ignored, I can't fathom saying something like that to my child.

    Like others have said, anyone that truly cares will come to your wedding, your special day needs to be without toxicity and negative feelings, so if they're going to be like that, let them not come.

    Well done for being so enormously brave, it takes true courage.

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