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T
Beginner February 2023 Cambridgeshire

Family invites

Tom, 17 July, 2022 at 22:30 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 10
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Okay so bear with me here, this might be a long one....


My OH and I are getting married next year and we were always opposite in terms of wedding size - me being a northerner wanting every family member we know there and her the small wedding, runaway and just get hitched type. However that changed since having kids and now my OH wants a proper wedding despite knowing we probably can't afford a big wedding, lots of conversations later and we are planning a wedding for next year.
Now that is where it gets fun, obviously through covid we didn't see many people and 9 years ago I moved down south, in that time we have drifted from almost all my family especially after a disagreement occurred between me and a cousin that was caused by my mother not handing over a birthday present for their kid but led to me being uninvited from weddings and basically cut off by a whole chunk of my previously close family.Fast forwarding a few years I eventually stopped trying to make effort with people that didn't reciprocate and I can count on one hand the amount of family members that have actually visited my home.
Another forward leap to the main subject and now we are at the point where my OH and I are planning the invite list and being told we have to invite all my family no matter what (refusing to agree to this at first led to my mother stopping talking to us for a short time this year) and as much as a part of me really wants to invite them I know we just can't afford to.
But it would avoid all the drama of we did and I can't just invite some and not the others because my cousin gets married this Thursday, did that and the drama ensued!
So long story short should i invite all the family to avoid possible drama, should I invite the family I want there and not care about the drama or just not invite them all to the daytime so they are all treated the same?
Bonus story to flesh that out - my cousin invited the family members he is closest to to the daytime, I am fine with that and I know we got an evening invite out of politeness which I really appreciate, my mother however turned that in to our family being shunned and started an argument that resulted in me having to call my uncle and explain I am not in any way offended and didn't ask her to do that.

10 replies

Latest activity by Karisma, 22 July, 2022 at 13:52
  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Someone is going to create drama over something to do with your wedding - that's pretty much guaranteed. So I wouldn't make decisions you don't like to try and avoid drama, because a wedding you don't want + drama has to be worse than a wedding you do want +drama.

    Regarding family members, I think you can get away with it if there is a clear distinction between groups. E.g. I invited 3 of my aunts/uncles. I see/speak to/hear from all three multiple times a year and they had all met my OH several times while we were dating and engaged. The most interaction I have with any of my other aunts and uncles is the annual Christmas card. It's around 4 years since I last saw any of them and none of them have met (or showed any desire to meet) my OH. If I'd had some relatives I saw monthly, others I saw six-monthly, others I saw yearly and so on, it would have been a lot harder to decide the cutoff point because there wouldn't be such a clear dividing line - does that make sense?

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  • T
    Beginner February 2023 Cambridgeshire
    Tom ·
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    Yeah I think I get what you mean, like I had originally gone for putting all the extended family into evening only but my mother had decided to go out and tell her brothers and sisters about everything I'd told her meaning they all expect daytime invites. I suppose I could look at it in a way of "wedding I want + drama" isnt really going to change how we already interact with those people so does it really make a difference if they are annoyed?
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  • C
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    We had a similar issue, but we stood firm as it was our day and we were paying so was our choice. I am not close to a lot of my family, like you I have a large family and we simply could not afford to invite them all. also, we thought about the fact we wanted people with us on the day that were a part of our lives and journey. I much preferred to have close friends than family i never speak to. It is a hard one, but in your case I would point out that you have not been invited to others weddings, and whilst you are not trying to be petty in a tit for tat way, it does hurt so why should you invite people that treated you that way? We had aunts and uncles but the cousins were invited to the evening, and they were fine with that, thankfully. I think generationaly the older ones feel the tradition of weddings being family orientated, but times have changed and families are not as close as they once were. I had a huge argument with my mum about it and told her it was not her place to demand certain people be invited as it is our day and if she couldn't accept our choices then maybe she doesn't come and that the matter was not up for discussion, as it was our decision. I told her that whilst she was concerned about upsetting family members she had not stopped to consider how I felt in all of this and it was upsetting and stressful and was that what she wanted? At this point she realised that she was wrong and got that it was our day, so maybe have an honest and frank discussion with your mum, explain how it is making you feel and maybe she will get it. The fact your mum has set an expectation with them is on her, and I suspect she is pushing as she does not want to have the conversation as to why they are not invited, but the bottom line is she should not have said anything so it is on her to explain she got it wrong, and not you. It is so stressful, and is a stress you don't need. It wil be hard but you have to say something and nip it in the bud, i hope you can sort it but please stick to what you want, it is no one elses business x

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  • L
    Savvy September 2022 Tyne & Wear
    Lisa ·
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    Personally, I would only invite those who I treasure the most. Those who want to be there rather than “should” be there. Anyone who loves you will understand and give good vibes during your day
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  • A
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    We had a similar situation with my FMIL and the extended family on FH's side... I'm not gonna lie, it got UGLY for a little while, but I'm so so glad I stood my ground. It's too expensive to invite people out of obligation and not fair for the biggest complainers to eat up spots (and money) that you'd rather go elsewhere.

    Ultimately, we stood firm on where we drew the line on family (crucially we were equal on all sides) and a couple of months passed, some firm messages went back and forth between FH and is mother, and it's all simmered down.

    Have the wedding you and your future spouse want, not the wedding anyone else wants you to have.

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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    I travelled 3 hours away to attend my cousin's wedding (evening only) because even though we weren't close and easily go years without seeing/speaking, I was invited, my Nan wanted me there so I thought I should make the effort. He spent the whole evening with their friends and dancing that we only spoke as I was leaving and he said he didn't even know I was there! I regretted bothering so when I got an invite to his sister's wedding (again 3 hours away) I declined. Suppose what I'm saying is to see it from your families side as well, would they even want and accept an invite? You may have all this stress, budget and planning to try and include them and they reject the invite anyway.
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  • Jessica
    Beginner October 2023 Greater Manchester
    Jessica ·
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    If you are invited to your cousins evening reception just see if your cousin invited everyone and use you own judgement, really it's your special day and if you feel there would be an atmosphere leave them out, our wedding is Nov next year and I have a similar dilemma I'm very close to my sisters children and want them there all day to share our day but I know my sisters in law will be furious if there children aren't there all day too 😊 good luck and congratulations
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  • Emily
    Dedicated February 2023 Hertfordshire
    Emily ·
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    It's a wedding, not a family reunion!!
    Invite who you are close to. I wouldn't want to feel obligated to invite some aunt I'd not seen for years and then not be able to invite a friend who i see every month, for example.
    At the end of the day, it's not even about the money, if you suddenly say won £1k, you'd probably invite more friends than extra family- I know I would!!!Stick your ground, stay strong, good luck x
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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2026 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    I am from liverpool my family all the same but we live in. Cheshire now like you my family are all about the big wedding my h2bs family are really quiet and there is only about 20 of them compared to my 200 or more on my side so we are eloping i dont really see the point of inviting people who dont bother with you so stick to what you both want and you can still have a wedding on a small budget if you havent picked a venue x💗
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  • Karisma
    Savvy March 2023 Kent
    Karisma ·
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    Only invite who you want to your wedding. There will be drama, there always is 🙈 I am not close to part of my family anymore and at over £100 a head I refuse to have them all when we barely speak! So out of respect, I have invited all Aunts and uncles and then only cousins in my age group with whom I grew up with, as these are the ones I spent the most time with throughout my life. There will probably be people moaning and drama may be caused but I’m sticking to my guns.


    If you have a clear divide of who is and who isn't invited that looks unbiased, then hopefully less drama will come of it. Hopefully it works out that the people who were mean to you are in the evening only group
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