Feeling let down by friends

I'm sorry, it's disappointing when you don't get the reaction you expect to good news.

When you say you haven't had a reaction, do you mean none at all? Or did they text/say 'congratulations' but you haven't heard since?

If it's the former, then I agree it's really odd - blanking someone when they tell you they're engaged is just not normal. But if they've congratulated you but not followed it up with any questions, it may just be that they are trying to give you space - or not wanting to act in a way that will suggest they are fishing for a wedding invite!!!

When we got engaged, we were inundated with people demanding to know every last detail and angling for a wedding invite, before we'd even set a date! Some of them were folk I'd barely spoken to in years, who suddenly became my new best friends when they thought they might be able to wangle an invitation!

I would suggest reaching out to a couple of friends to catch up. See if they mention the wedding. Maybe then you can gauge how they'd feel about helping you with some of the planning. (Just make sure you show an interest in their lives too - as a bride, it's very easy to get so wrapped up in wedding planning as to lose sight of the fact that other people have stuff going on in their own lives too!)

As for the cards, what age are the people you were expecting cards from? We had a couple of cards from people in their 40s and 50s and everyone else was retired - sending engagement cards seems to be going out of favour with younger people, so if your family and friends are 40s or below, that's probably why you haven't had any!

View quoted message Thanks so much for your reply! I had replies from everyone.


But I just feel close close friends, should then follow that up and just be like, is there a date et cetera have you started your planning et cetera there’s just been nothing - I find it hard. I’ve got cards of all my family. And a couple from his side of the family. For instance, one of my friends, who I’m talking about here, sent me a congratulations you passed your driving test card a few months ago. So if you can send that, wouldn’t you send a little something for an engagement or a text? There is literally been nothing. My partner said it might be the green eyed monster. But I have no idea why because they are all in loving relationships and I said it will be their turn in one day. I just can’t imagine it being five or six weeks after their engagement, and I had said nothing but the initial congratulations message.

Trust me, I’ve tried to keep the conversations going, asking about their lives to the point where I’m asking about their dogs and holidays et cetera and the replies to me are just the usual, no follow questions on the wedding or engagement or anything.
It’s almost like an avoidance of the subject which is just the elephant in the room. To put it. In perspective, my friends that I’m talking about have known me for 10 years and my partner for all of that time, we all met at work. We meet up regularly for meals et cetera it’s almost like it’s the unspoken subject or something. I know I might sound a little attention seeking. Honestly that’s not it.

If it was the other way round, five weeks after the engagement and I hadn’t mentioned anything to them since the initial congratulations text or meeting up to see the ring, or making that other person feel excited with them, I don’t think I’d have a leg to stand on. It’s not that I’m saying they haven’t given much, they’ve given nothing. I think if the initial excitement isn’t there, it’s hardly going to be there in a years time. There’s a certain engagement bubble that you are in. At a time to reach out. And I can’t help I think they’ve missed the boat slightly or intentionally? Like I said I don’t have loads and loads of friends. My partner has more friends, and university friends. So the little friends that I do have a really make an effort and spoil them on their days. For my friends 30th. She had a full on countdown for hers. Text me every week how many days there were were left and I got excited with her. You just think now it’s all of my turn, it just hasn’t been reciprocated. X

Hi there,
First of all, I’m sorry your friends aren’t stepping up like friends should!! I found that since being engaged I realised who actually cared about me and who had underlying jealous feelings that eventually took over! It’s been a massive eye opener for me and I decided to stop putting energy into people that weren’t giving it back (I should have done this years ago but I think this year kicked it off properly).
There’s a lot of different emotions coming from different people, maybe from the people you expected the most from you should ask to meet up with them and have a real frank conversation about how they feel? Of course I don’t know you and your friends but maybe they feel you shouldn’t be with your other half or there’s something underlying? I honestly have no idea but I’d rather know it’s nothing and then accept they’re being rubbish and get rid that keep it awkward. People love to be fake because it’s easier but you don’t have true friends. I’d speak to someone you trust the most, it could honestly be nothing.
I told all my friend and family face to face so there was an obvious reaction and I knew how they felt and I had all the support. Ironically the friends I’m not friends with were annoyed I didn’t message them immediately. I don’t know what I’m saying really but I guess that you can never win. Find out how they feel and chat about it or ditch em.

Ah I just read your reply, saying ‘it will be your turn one day’ is really not the best thing to say. It sounds rude and someone said that to me and it made me feel like my relationship was less valued as if I was waiting and they’d ‘won’ and therefor my relationship isn’t as meaningful (alongside other things they said). It might be jealously but I think you should just chat to them x

We got the congrats when we first got engaged (Oct 2021), but everyone after that waited (politely) for us guys to make the first move in bringing it up. Some didn’t mention it again, till we sent save the dates, as they didn’t want to presume!
I would potentially lower the expectations, people generally are excited for weddings, but may not want to talk about it all the time, or hear all the venues you plan on visiting, and all the dilemmas. When you have news to share with them, such as date, venue, save the dates & invites - they’re quite possibly the only interaction points you’ll get from a large number of people - aside from your bridal party. Your bridal party should be the most engaged, but I don’t expect them to be asking me every week for 2 years about it - that would be so tiring!
As for cards, cards are so old-fashioned! I think I got maybe 4-5 for the engagement, about the same number I get for my birthday. About 2/3rds gave us cards for the wedding itself though.

View quoted message Sorry no I just meant, it will be there in one day, im sure they will want people like close friends to be excited and happy for them, and I will certainly be excited for them! And if they are jealous, I meant Amores, why because they were literally probably be engaged in a few months et cetera the weather there relationships are going. Trust me, I’ve never been obsessed with marriage or anything like that, so I do not see people who are not married or not engaged as any less than me. I’m in my mid 30s, so trust me I’ve had enough of people saying comments to me about getting married or being on married, so that really wasn’t what I meant by that sorry x

View quoted message Thank you for your reply! I totally get that people don’t want to hear about it or talk about it every week for a couple of years. Totally appreciate that. But in my eyes, it hasn’t even been spoken about at all? With really close friends, I mean friends, I’ve known for 10 years, meet them regularly, go out for meals text pretty much daily. It just seems very bizarre you wouldn’t bring it up again? Not even asking is it a long engagement or a short engagement or any vague question like that? To me, that shows interest . Totally get that people will get wedding fatigue. But I just feel like it hasn’t even had a chance to even get near that point at all? So it certainly isn’t that . I’d be asking about venues, and asking them if they’ve sorted anything? Just general girly stuff that you’d want to know. And I especially will be so excited to see their ring!



I don’t even think I’ve had the opportunity to talk about the actual popping the question part of it all. And how that went down! At the end of the day, you don’t get engaged every day. There’s a part of me that could easily excuse all of this away, and have a reasonable explanation for everything.

But I think I’m split down the middle because the other part of me just thinks I don’t understand? I don’t even think it’s a case of lowering expectations. Because to me that isn’t high expectant stuff or is it? X

View quoted message No don’t worry, you of course didn’t mean to say it in a bad way, I’m just saying that they might not know that you didn’t mean it like that. I’m completely picking holes only because I know I was unhappy when that was said to me but it might not be that at all. In all honesty, no matter what is going on your friends should all just be happy for you. I don’t think you have high expectations, you just want at least a few people to pull their finger out a bit more, a lot of people will let you down at this time which is the pros/cons of being engaged.
Keep your head up and really put your energy into the people that are putting it into you x

I'm sorry to hear this.I had the same sort of thing, even from family. No cards nothing. Just 1 lovely card from my mother in law to be. I was like you very hurt especially as both my parents have passed . I did post on here about it and it seems to be a normal response. In the end we held a little dinner for immediate family. I did feel better after as it felt we marked it. Enjoy your engagement. In the end I guess it's about you two. I think it's a bit better now our wedding plans are underway. I think people just don't think. Personally I would never do that.

View quoted message Thank you for replying! It’s been so beneficial to hear from all of you. I really appreciate that I’m not going totally mad. It’s very odd but there’s nothing I can do. Going for a meal sounds lovely and I’ve been thinking about that also. Thanks for your help and words x

Hi Jessica! I’m so sorry you feel this way. I firstly want to say I am so sorry about your Mum! She will be so so happy for you and your fiancé she’ll be shining down on you both! ❤️ I hate to say this is a natural response with some people. I always give my experience on these posts. I had friends with a lovely congratulations and then never to be spoke about again. Friends who wanted every single detail. We had family who didn’t even look at my ring or ask where? When? And do you want to know the best one for us? We were invited to a friends house to celebrate our engagement. What happened when we got there? They announced they were getting married this year and we spoke about that instead? They had been engaged for Atleast 7 years and nothing about us, it was about them. When we left I said to my fiancé did that just happen? People work in strange ways. We only received a handful of cards I don’t think it’s the done thing now. It’s all so exciting and I’m like you, even just for the first few weeks it’s all you want to talk about with people and I personally think they should listen! But not everyone is like me and you and that’s fair enough. Just remember, some people are waiting on this too and unfortunately expect to be next and hate it when it’s not. Absolutely no reason to act this way though. You and your fiancé just enjoy. They’ll want it to be all about them when it’s their turn and that’ll be up to you if you get excited about it all with them or you keep quiet like they have you. As they say there is nothing stranger than folk. But you’ll also learn after a while who is bored of listening and who is still excited. For example, my work place don’t want to hear about it now. So I don’t talk about it unless asked and for the reason they all want to come and I can’t do that so keeping quiet is best. My bridesmaids want all the info all the time. Hope you feel better soon and if you want to get excited and chat about it stick it on here! Best of luck and enjoy! X

How did you tell them? Have you met up with any of them since? I wouldn’t expect texts about this sort of thing, its more likely my friends would wait until we met face to face to ask the questions, they never ask me over text and we text often. Plus lots of people get engaged then don’t start planning for ages, it sounds like it has been a few weeks at most so some might think you won’t have started planning yet.
My suggestion would be to arrange some catch ups and take it from there, they will probably be far more enthusiastic in person.

View quoted message Im not too sure what you mean? All is good here. What I meant was peoples initial response isn’t always what you think it’ll be. All the initial responses were good (except the hilarious one when we celebrated their engagement instead) I just mean I think we expect everyone to be like oh wow amazing great for weeks on end. Some people were and some people were a causal congrats. Now the wedding is booked people are so excited something to look forward too and again some people ask constantly and some people don’t. It is each to their own.

View quoted message Hi just to be clear I‘m not the post author, just have the same name. So my comments were for them rather than anyone else, but can see that might cause confusion!

View quoted message I’m so sorry! I was so confused! 😂😂 I don’t get notifications either so assumed it was for me!

I probably wouldn't text my friends about their wedding plans. If they tell me they are getting engaged, I would congratulate them and wait until we were speaking face to face (or on the phone) before asking them about it. Even then, I'd probably keep it general, assuming that if they wanted to tell me about their wedding plans, they would. So maybe your friends are doing the same?

Try arranging a meetup and see what happens. Or pick a friend you think might be helpful and send them a message saying that you'd love to run a couple of ideas past them about your wedding, and would they be ok with that? (Make sure you only pick someone you are definitely planning on inviting though!) If there is still a total lack of response then there is something really weird going on, but you might just have friends who are being extra-tactful and unaware that it is upsetting you!

Oh my gosh, I have recently got engaged myself and experienced the EXACT same thing.

My circumstances sound pretty similar to yours - I lost both my parents last year, and have a very very small family. When we told both friends and family, their reaction was a little... off? they of course said congratulations, but after that phone call we literally have not heard anything from anyone since - no cards, no popping by our house to see us, nothing! we are honestly so baffled ourselves... and as you say, if the shoe was on the other foot I would defo do that for my nearest and dearest. It is strange, really really strange how people have reacted... I have no explanation for it myself.

It has made me feel like there is no point spending $$$$ for everyone else to have a good night when it will be a struggle for both me and my partner to afford a wedding in the first place. why bother when people don't really seem to care very much?? we are honestly toying with the idea to just elope, but that just sounds a bit lonely .

I would love to hear what you decide to do.

And congratulations by the way! x

Hello. Please know that you are not alone ❤️. It's very common, I had to Google, listen to podcasts and read dilemmas etc because I was a little taken back by certain friends/family reaction. The best piece advice I read, it might even have been on this forum, is that "not everyone will react the way you want them to. Remember for you it's such an important event but for other people it's just one day". Try not to take it personally. As someone else suggested, reach out to your friends as normal and see if the wedding comes up. You could always mention it if they don't, then gauge their reaction. You never know what your friends might be going through and aren't ready to talk to you yet. Or they might be a little envious/jealous. Or they might not want to pressure you in talking about it. That's what Hitched forum is great for, lots of friendly people who want to talk about your wedding 😊. Xx

First of all congratulations! It is really exciting and something to be overjoyed about! On the issue with your friends, sometimes for other people they don’t think like that, or they might have something going on or even just life in general, I know I’m awful at texting back or seeing announcements like that from my friends.
Maybe test the waters with an engagement party? Or engagement drinks/meal? Invite them all and see who bothers to come or respond to that?

Congrats to you both!

I fully have same feelings, I had cards from family and a few friends I didn't expect but nothing from my closest friends that I called on the day it happened, took me back a bit to be honest as I would be over the moon and send them tons of congrats if it was the other way around.

But reading some of these other comments, everyone has made very valid points, it's such a big announcement for us getting engaged but for others it's another day and people react differently to things, maybe that's how these friends are with that type of news and we've never been around them to see the reactions when they hear these things.

But I'm honestly so relieved this seems very common!

Times have changed. Not every woman day dreams about this stuff anymore and it’s 2023, there’s sooooo much going on in people’s lives but I’m sure they wish you well. You have expectations and they may not have the same expectations for their ‘one day’. Maybe organise a brunch with your nearest and dearest to explain how you’d like them to be involved and how you’d love the wedding to unfold. Share your excitement in person and they may match it. Explain how much their support means and they may then get it. Give people a shot. And it’s not about holding ‘I’d do the same for you’ or ‘if it were me’ over their head. Don’t risk it sounding transactional. Instead just share how much they mean to you, what this experience means to you etc. None of us are perfect

Thanks so much for all of your comments it would take a little while to respond to everyone. But just wanted to say that everyone’s messages have been read and I really appreciate you taking the time to fully respond with your answers. Seems like it’s pretty 50-50 as to what people think.



I’ve taken everything on board. I can’t help, but feel I’m still feeling down about it.
It’s not occupying all of my mind, but does creep up on me now and then. My “friends” that I’m talking about letting me down are friends, that for their own birthdays et cetera make tickets and send countdowns. The send congratulations on passing your driving cards a few months ago but can’t talk about this? It’s clear jealousy I have had time to process it as. How I see it as is, you would send someone a message asking them about their birthday plans or their holiday plans. So why wouldn’t you do it for this which is something that is actually life changing. I’m not expecting it for weeks or days on end. But one message? Asking to meet once? Nothing? Just doesn’t sit right with me. I really had some life changing things going on. And alongside this, it is really has enlightened me as to who to be totally 100% genuine and open with and who to take a little bit of a step back from.

Unfortunately that’s not what I wanted to happen, but I can’t really show up to them as a friend, and for them as a friend, when I have this in the back of my mind, it’s probably only fair that I do distance myself from a few people that have been friends for 10 years. Which like I said just is sad but there’s no way back truly. But I really just don’t have time to play any games. No one is getting any younger, life is short. I’d rather have no friends or literally one friend who I know has shown up for me. And when it comes to it being their moments to shine, yes, as petty as it sounds this will be remembered, but they can’t really have anything to say about that can they? They can’t truly be bothered if they don’t get any texts about their plans or mention of it or check in or card? Because they didn’t do that for me? So goes to show you they don’t put much on that. So I’m not worrying about any backlash. Definitely time to dial down a couple of friendships. Which I have been doing. Again, I’m so thankful for all of your messages, I really try to see it from peoples point of view even if I haven’t agreed. But I think ultimately it’s just making excuses. Everybody is different and entitled to their own opinion. Appreciate your help. Good luck with everybody’s weddings! And I hope you all have a really great friends around you. X

I have been there but just remember has long as you our both happy don't worry just enjoy your planning ❤️

Hello, I'm sorry you experienced this..

The best thing I can say is that there will be people you expect to be there for you that aren't and people you don't expect to be there for you, that are. I had a big let down before my wedding and my friendship group is now changed (just posted about it.) I spent too much time thinking of this person who let me down... I couldn't help it. The best thing to do is try to just focus on everyone who is there for you. I also found our wedding was a great way to really find out who your friends are and who you would like to strengthen your friendships with.

I personally don't agree with some peoples opinions (not here) 'that all that matters is the two of you.' For me, it was very important who came to the day and you may be the same. I wish you the best and to enjoy the planning. Despite the let downs for us, the day was just lovely.

I think the best thing that comes is really realising who are your friends and who are not and what you want to nurture in the future. I hope this helps somehow ❤️

Hi Sarah,
firstly congratulations!! How wonderful to be taken by surprise and be happy with the outcome!Please don’t let others non reaction take away the joy, we can’t change peoples ways, however we can change how we react to them.
As you’ll know, we find out who our true friends are when we experience life changing events.Celebrate with those that are happy for you, involve them with asking what they think about things to do with the wedding. Have you thought about bridesmaids? Choose them wisely, they can be a great comfort and help with arrangements! Shine your light! All the best Linz

I'm just going to play Devil's advocate for a moment here.

I know this has upset you and I am sorry you're feeling this way however; I don't understand why it has become the norm for people to expect cards and gifts or massive expressions of excitement because you've announced that your engaged.

I waited a week after we got engaged to tell close family and friends because I personally didn't want the attention. I'd always maintained that I would never get married so trust me, I am more shocked than anyone... We had texts from close friends and family with congratulations but didn't receive cards which is fine, because we wouldn't end up keeping them anyway and it's just more clutter. I never made an announcement on social media, people just found out organically and offered their congratulations via text or in person if they were told in person.

you say you don't like attention, so maybe your friends know this about you (the same way mine do about me) and they're just giving you some space instead of trying to pry into plans or make you feel uncomfortable from too much pressure.

People don't always have to be jumping up and down to show they're excited for you, and it doesn't mean they're jealous of you either, I think that's a weird conclusion to jump to if I am honest and comes off a little self-centered. I am sure they all care and would love to hear details about your plans so don't hesitate to talk to them about things if that's what you want to do, be the person who starts the dialogue instead of expecting people to just automatically ask. or involve them in some of your wedding ideas and I am sure they will be getting excited in no time.

I can totally relate to your post we got engaged 23.12.2023 💍 my fiancé sister came to see our home for the 1st time. She did not even ask to see my ring :/ she just gave us an engagement card. I went to my grandmas instead of being happy for us. She started to make negative comments and wanting to tell us what church to get married at. I walked out I said she will see me when we get married and we will just invite her.
When it comes to weddings you will start to see the true colours of people. The things to remember you are getting married to your best friend. One day you will start your own family God willing. Focus on you we are just inviting close family not many at all. I don't really have close friends who I would want to invite. This year I became part of a group to make friends. So relationships are just forming.