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Anonbride
Expert July 2023 Cornwall

fmil rears her ugly selfish head again... am i being petty/too sensitive this time?

Anonbride, 18 of August of 2022 at 11:16 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 8

We've having a very small legal ceremony one week in advance of our main wedding (as my oldest friend is officiating this and that's not legal!). We've already told immediate family the plan, that we'd have 4 guests each for this little one, FH has spoken to his mother on the phone about it, and then we all spoke about it a few weeks ago when we visited.

We picked Marylebone because it's the trainline FMIL and FSIL's town goes into in London, a Saturday because she works (my parents, FH's dad all retired) and a late morning ceremony so she could get back and forth same day after lunch. She does this journey semi-regularly as a day trip with friends. Marylebone is a faff for my family, they have to drive, train, tube... officiant friend lives abroad so will have to fly out a week early to make this legal one as well... but they are completely happy to do it to make it easy for FMIL and not cause any dramas. It's a small faff for me and FH, but totally doable and again I wanted to keep FMIL happy and not cause a complaint if we chose our local registry office which is easy for us and my fam.

Anyway, we noticed prices going up, so sent a message to our invitees saying we were planning on booking X date and time let us know if any problems.

FMIL: "Who's invited?" (nothing else)

FH: "You, dad, dad's long-term partner, sister. Chloe's inviting her parents, brother and officiant friend."

FMIL: "Is [dad's partner] immediate family now?! You do know things aren't symmetrical don't you?" (implication if this being I should cut my best friend who's basically a brother, FH should cut dad's partner and FH's grandparents go instead)

FH: "I guess not technically, but I thought I'd invite her rather than choosing just one grandparent or something, felt like it made most sense. But I can invite Best Man instead if that would be better for you?"

FMIL: "Why on earth would that be better?! It's also a lot of travelling you expect me to do but I guess if everyone else is willing..."

FSIL gets involved: "Just spoke to mum. She thinks our grandparents should be there, I'd hate for them to miss out so they can have my spot and you can just squeeze me in the back like you were going to do with Best Man or I just won't come so they can." (errr there was no squeezing in the back he was taking a spot)


Basically, I'm really cross. This was supposed to be a nice day out for immediate family and I think it's really rude that she's just complaining and not letting FH invite who he wants. FH was really upset about it. I kept my cool and then slept on it, and calmly suggested that maybe we don't make it a thing, especially as FMIL and FSIL don't seem that bothered and like it's going to be a pain for them, and instead we just get married in the cheaper registry office local to us, on a weekday that also makes it cheaper, and whoever wants to can turn up but no problem if not - which FH then suggested. Silence all day. Then she had a massive go on the phone and said he was being really rude just expecting her to turn up with no notice (errr about 11months and three conversations!!) and oh she's still cross that we're not inviting the aunts and uncles to our main wedding but she will come to Marylebone only if we book the bigger room so grandparents can come! ARGH


FH's understandably upset. He's erring to just appeasing her and going for the bigger room and original plan. I'm feeling like f**k that let's just do our local and put the £500 difference towards the honeymoon, if she wants to make the effort then fine (she can drive back and forth in a day no problem) but I'm not breaking my back to make everything easier for her and making everyone faff about if she's just going to complain and I just kind of feel like she's tainted what was supposed to be a nice thing now!

I also suggested FH and I just run off and do the legal solo with random witnesses but bless him he doesn't want to do that because my mum's so excited to walk me down the aisle and do a little speech at the legal one Smiley heart


At my wit's end! Any advice lovely people? Smiley cry


8 replies

Latest activity by Michelle, 19 of August of 2022 at 16:09
  • L
    Dedicated September 2023 Derbyshire
    Lizzie ·
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    Obviously an outsider, and this is easy for me to say, but honestly? It sounds like you've already bent over backwards to appease her and nothing is good enough for her. Book what you want, and damn her. If she can't be happy that her son is getting married and make an effort to get there, that is her problem, not yours.

    It is your wedding. Yours. Not hers. You invite who you want, and if she can't be grown up enough to cope then that's her problem, not yours. I really do feel for you and FH, especially as he's obviously upset by her behaviour. It doesn't sound like this is the first time, or that it will be the last. At the end of the day it's up to you two what you do, but just remember the more you give in to her the more she will demand. If it were me I would stand my ground and say "This is what we are doing". Explain to the grandparents that you're only having 4 on each side (and let's be fair, having FH's dad and his long-term partner is really quite reasonable), but the main wedding is a separate event, when I presume they will be invited.

    That's my two penn'orth anyway. As I said, it's much easier from the outside!
    Good luck.

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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    I agree with Lizzie. You have tried to accommodate her with so much and she is still demanding more. I would be looking at the cheaper and more convenient for you option. If it's going to be a week before your main wedding then you could have lots of little stresses around this time with last minute details so you just want this to be a really easy stress free day for you both.
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  • Charlotte
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Oh Chloe, not again! This women's narcissist behaviour is just unreal so kudos to you for being so nice as if it were me I would have cut her out by now.


    As I have said to you before, this is YOUR day and she has no right to make demands, I was only thinking about you yesterday and how it had gone quiet! But her she is again making demands and upsetting you again.
    If it were me I would just do it the two of you, you will have your day that everyone can witness, which is the day you want and have planned, the other bit is the legal bit and for me, is not the important part(it is bit it isn't if that makes sense!?) I would say to her that due to everyone's issues and opinions you have decided to just do it the two of you and have Best Man and your Officiant friend as witnesses and then there is no issue around others being there and then you can ALL enjoy the day you have worked so hard to plan.
    I feel for you and truly hope you can resolve it but please don't back down as every time you do it just plays in to her hands and the demands will grow. Focus on you 2, that is the only thing that matters. Sending hugs xx
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    'I am sorry you don't feel able to attend our planned official marriage ceremony. We look forward to seeing you at our wedding celebration in Cornwall'

    Seriously, your fiance needs to tell her something like the above. No apologies, no excuses, no explanations, just 'mum, this is what we are doing'. End of. If she's abusive or unpleasant, he just hangs up. If she's rude in person, you just walk out.

    You've bent over backwards to accommodate her and she's just come up with more and more hoops for you to jump through. This is what manipulative people do.

    So set boundaries and stick to them. If you give way, you only make the problem worse. Your OH is hoping that by giving way to her, he will appease her and she will stop causing grief. SHE WON'T. Trying to appease her just teaches her that this is what you do when she stomps on your boundaries - which just encourages her to demand even more of her own way.

    I really do feel for your OH - I have a manipulative mother and it is SO exhausting and emotionally draining to deal with. I tried the appeasement route for years and it never worked. Setting boundaries hasn't made the problem go away, but it has made it a whole lot less stressful and demanding. The more you do it, the easier it gets to do, so start right now!

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  • Sarah
    Dedicated October 2022 Swansea
    Sarah ·
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    Wishing you all the best for what will be a lovely service, whatever happens. I'd echo the sensible advice above - stick to what you both planned guest/space wise as it was what you felt was right for you. Easy for us to say but just reiterate your plans in brief, and then try not to engage with any more debates/queries from her as best you both are able. If she asks for any more details in the run up to your either of your celebrations take a breath, and just don't share info/offer any details or justifications - 'thanks for asking, plans are all in hand, everyone will find that out on the day/closer in time'. Take care x

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Thank you everyone! Gosh it helps so much to hear my feelings validated from people who are completely outside the situation, really appreciate all the replies Smiley heart

    We have decided to go with scrapping the Marylebone plan and using a registry office local to us on a day that works for us. If she wants to join and be pleasant she can, if not I'm sure we'll have a lovely time with FH's dad and partner + my fam!!

    If she backtracks and tries to get us to revert to Marlyebone, FH's planning on just saying "No, you've ruined that plan. We're not talking about it any more." so she knows it's her fault that it's off the table and the debate is over.

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    It's great that your OH is standing his ground. However, if MIL raises it again, I wouldn't tell her that she's 'ruined' the plan. It WON'T teach her that the change of plan is her fault, because in her world, everything is already someone else's fault. Instead, it is likely to cause another outburst of drama.

    In your OHs place, if she does raise Marylebone I would suggest saying something like 'you said Marylebone only worked for you if we booked the larger room which wasn't possible, so we've reverted to our original plan. We're sorry, but we can't alter it now.' If she keeps on: 'we've already said, the arrangements have been finalised and can't be altered'. And if she still keeps on, just end the conversation - change the subject, then walk away or hang up if she still won't give in.

    I know it's tempting to let out some frustration by pointing out that it's HER fault you made the changes, but it's only likely to cause more stress for you without making any difference at all to her behaviour. She enjoys drama and she enjoys making a fuss, so any emotive words like 'ruined' will just feed that side of her nature. Keep everything calm and factual. If she can't get a rise out of either of you, a lot of the fun of baiting you will go away.

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  • Michelle
    VIP July 2024 Cheshire
    Michelle ·
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    This woman doesnt know when to stop im sorry she is starting again but you have bent over backwards for her just dont mention wedding if it comes up change the subject x but do what you both want and dont let her ruin it again for you both x💗
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