fmil says he shouldn't marry me

Sorry to post this on here, of my three bridesmaids (aka my best friends), two of them have families in Ukraine so I'm trying not to put anything on them at the moment - which has reduced my normal support group significantly. My parents are my best friends and also know a good chunk of the issues, but I'm scared that if I tell them FMIL doesn't want me to marry her son, they'll be no going back from that from my parents perspective and then it's one big family feud forever more!

Aww Chloe, poor you. I wanted to post even though I don’t quite have the words. Just remember FH is his own man and he gets to choose how he lives his life - including who he spends it with. I guess some mothers really struggle to let go and you marrying him might appear to her as some sort of confirmation he’s really grown up/is his own man. That doesn’t make her behaviour ok but the fact is, she’s being a nightmare and maybe having some idea why might help you. Try and stay strong and remember what is important - for you and FH. Also, it is not your fault - don’t forget that. I’d talk to FH and explain how you are feeling - try and face this as a team and remember you don’t need to do this alone.

Hi Chloe,


I’m in almost exactly the same situation, I could’ve written your post!
To be honest I’m not sure what to do about it either, but the thing that is getting me through it is reminding myself it’s about them, not about me. They would react similarly regardless of who your FH was choosing to marry. You could be the best person in the world and they would still find a fault! It might feel personal but it really isn’t about you at all, and please try to not let it overshadow this happy time.
Only a message away if you need anything. Thinking of you x

I just wanted to echo what Alexandra has said. It sounds more like your FMIL’s problem is that her son is growing up and away from her. Totally natural, but absolutely heart-wrenching for a parent, even though that’s the natural order of things! It will be hard, but try to think of it objectively - it’s not about you, it’s about FMIL feeling like she’s losing her son. And let’s face it - you’re the number one woman in his life now, not her!

I just wanted to echo what others have said that this isn’t about you - this about her and her issues. I’m sure any other woman wouldn’t be “good enough” for him in her eyes. It sounds like he’s very much his own man and she doesn’t like that he isn’t “her little boy” anymore.


I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, it sounds really awful. The plus side is your fiancé is on your side - I know too many people (always men…) who remain under their mother’s spell and side with her over their partner. I don’t have any advice unfortunately, as I’ve thankfully never been in that situation. Is there any way you (and perhaps also your fiancé) can distance yourself from FMIL for a little while and maybe think about coming back to her in a while when some time has passed? Who knows, maybe she’s going through something you don’t know about at the moment and she might get some perspective in time? I have to say it doesn’t sound like it from your posts I’ve read, but who knows!!

I agree with what everyone has put thinking of you both x💗

Sending you a huge hug, you poor girl.

Now take a huge breath and let go of that stress.

Remember: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOUR.

Write that in large letters all over the house if you need to, but make sure you take it in and believe it.

Your fiance is going to have to work out for himself how much contact he has with his family, based on what he can cope with emotionally. If he needs to see less of his sister because she refuses to meet up without including their mother, that is NOT his fault and that is NOT your fault - it is his sister's fault. (And indirectly, his mother's, because if his mother were a nice, normal person, neither of you would have an issue about seeing her.)

Remember, people who get to know YOU are going to make their judgements on what you are like, not what your MIL says about you. And people who don't know you...their opinion doesn't need to bother you.

And offload here as much as you need to. I find it ironic that your MIL is branding you as this selfish monster and yet you are coming here for support because you don't want to burden your friends who have Ukrainian family - it's the mark of a true friend to put other people's needs above your own. Your Ukrainian friends are lucky to have such a caring person in their lives during this horrible time. And your fiance is lucky to have someone who is so supportive of his family problems. Cherish the family & friends you have, who value you for who you are, and don't let MIL steal your joy.

And remember - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOUR.

Now have a nice mug of tea or glass of wine or bar of chocolate or whatever your go-to stress reliever is, and chill xxx

Hi Chloe,

This is awful to hear. I'm so sorry this is happening and marring what should be such a happy time.

I do you think you are probably right that if you tell your family about the full extent of your FMIL's behaviour there won't be any coming back so feel free to rant to all of us as much as you need.

As others have said, this is not a reflection on you, she is just an incredibly selfish woman. I also feel really sorry for your FH, he must be so ashamed of her behaviour.

You say that you are scared about your FH losing his side of the family but if that happens, that will absolutely be their fault, not yours. Again, so sad for your FH. I think you both just need to be there for each other and be honest with each other. He understands how she is making you feel and supporting you which is absolutely amazing. And just let him know that you will equally support him and take his steer when it comes to how much he wants to see them. You aren't asking him to make any ultimatums here. You are clearly a very reasonable person in a very unreasonable situation.

Keep smiling and I also hope your friends' families are keeping safe x

Just returned to this after the weekend and - WOW! You're all so incredibly kind, thank you so much! Some of these messages made me well up! Thank you all for being so incredibly lovely and supportive, I appreciate it so so much

FH has sent FMIL a long email, firm and calling her out on her behaviour but level headed and polite, so the best possible way he could have approached this I think. Now we wait and see how she reacts...

Sounds awful ☹️ Perhaps speak to your partner and ask him to talk to his mother about the points you’ve raised above and why they aren’t valid.

View quoted message

It sounds like your FH is one awesome guy to be handling this so well - so glad you have someone who will stand up for you and not just give in to his mother to keep the peace. I hope FMIL reacts as well as possible to what sounds like an incredibly sensible way of dealing with this.

View quoted message

Thank you! It was an okay-ish response, some nice things, some little digs at me and my mum, no apologies. Overall it did make me cross. FH definitely finds it hard to stand up to her, and did ask if I'd be willing to take the high road and ignore the digs. It might be pedantic of me... but I've said that if we're getting married then that means he's got to have my back and protect me from anything upsetting that's upsetting me (and vice versa ofc), so I need to know he won't stand for his mother being rude towards me, and that she needs to know that from now so we don't set a precedent for the rest of our lives. He's accepted that that is what he needs to do, as much as it will string out this horrible phase with his mother, so Email 2 is in progress...

View quoted message Good for you! Well done for standing your ground, it can be so difficult. It’s good to hear he’s got your back as well 💗

View quoted message

Thank you!

It's such a scary thing to do but I keep reminding myself that if I and we don't then I'm just setting myself up to feel like this for the rest of my life (or, the rest of FMIL's!)

How are things going with you and your FMIL?

View quoted message

You are absolutly right to stand your ground now, no one has the right to speak about anyone like she does, and I cannot imagine the emotions for your FH but this has to be stopped now. You are setting the tone for the rest of your married life together and allowing her behaviour to be accepted and it will only escalate when you have kids etc. Your FH is in an extremly difficult place but he also deserves recognition for dealing with this as many men wouldnt, so huge pat on the back to him for having your back. Sending you all the love and fingers crossed for you. I would say that you do need to get to a point where the emails are final, the more you engage with a narcasit (which i think she is) the more she thrives on it, she knows he keeps replying so she still has the control. I hope you can resolve it without him having to walk away from his family but he needs to be prepared that is what he may have to do, even if it is for the short term XX

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through! Your FMIL sounds like a really difficult person, unfortunately I don't have much advice on this; other than to be strong and know YOU are not responsible for her opinions and her behaviour. Parent-child relationships are always so difficult to navigate, but I'm glad your fiance is supporting you and standing up for you. Your fiance being more distant with his family is also NOT YOUR FAULT. He's an adult and he's capable of making his own decisions with his family. We can encourage our other halves to communicate more with their family, but ultimately, he's responsible for that himself. "We can bring the donkey to the well, but we can't force the donkey to drink" so to speak.

Looks like you might have to put up some boundaries for after the wedding, but know that this is due to her actions and not yours. I do hope you'll find strength to navigate this difficult personal relationships both in the present and for the future.

I'm also having to not lean too heavily on my bridesmaids, as 2 of them are going through some health issues and are busy with work, and my MOH has 1 baby and 1 toddler to care for. But maybe you can lean on other friends for support too. Or the community here.

DM me if you want a listening ear.