Future sister in-law nightmare!

I agree with you on the no kids rule especially in such a small venue. I think the problem you have got is inviting the 16yr old. I know that she is technically an adult and all that but the other children will feel that you are making favourites..

You and H2b need to have a proper talk with her about your decision regarding the decision and hopefully she will understand when she knows the reasons better.

Good luck

This sort of thing happens a lot, so don't think you're alone. You have to decide what you can live with and if you're not too put out by the prospect of them not coming and possibly the wall of silence afterwards, then I'd stick to your guns.

Personally, I don't think you can have one rule for one and another for everyone else so I'd stick with it and she'll have to like it or lump it.

x

SIL2B was umming and ahing about coming to ours because she doesn't talk to her Dad and didn't want to see him. This meant that FIL2B said he wouldn't come as he didn't want to cause problems etc. I pointed out to him that we are both closer to him than her and, if we had to choose we would both much rather see him than SIL2B. We just left her to it for a few months to do her whinging then a few weeks ago I asked if she wanted me to book her a room at the venue as there was only one left and she said yes with no problems or spolit brat routines!

Leave them all to calm down and get over themselves and don't let them know they have riled you! If you don't act bothered they may realise that you arn't backing down and accept it. Give it a few months dust settling time and don't mention it unless they do!

Good luck!

Good point about the 16yr old, but to be honest she was screaming that much, I dont think she clicked onto that(luckily!!) If she would have calmly said, I'm not too happy about it, we would have been able to explain, but we sat there like two naughty kids, and its his younger sister!!! It took all my energy not to cry let alone speak up. Thanks for the advice, but she is not a force to reckon with me thinks!!!

xx

Are they travelling over from EIRE for the wedding?? It is a but different for local friends to leave their children at home for the night compared to travelling such a long way.

Maybe you could compromise with an only family children allowed.

You invited one of her children and not the others? Regardless of the age i don't think you should have done that.

I agree with Spring.

Sorry, but i agree with spring. it's not fair to invite one but not the others

I would stick to your guns. It's your day, don't let her screaming act change how you want it to be.

Like you we're having a small cermony (50 bodies) and have taken the stance of 'no kids, no exceptions'. Again like you , we don't have any of our own, don't want any, so wasn't something we even had to think twice about! My side of the family are travelling from the north-east for our day and we've stipulated on the info sheets 'no children'. A couple of them have kids and haven't batted an eyelid (it's a full weekend away without the kiddies!!)

The only bother I've had is from my Aunt, who has a 4 year old girl. We've (rather my Dad - she won't say anything to my face, the cheeky mare!) have had snipey comments like 'X is the only family member not invited', 'X will have to stay with her Gran and miss out', 'Oh we might just bring X along and just leave her hotel room all day' (this didn't fill me with guilt at all!),. We're not backing down on this, if she chooses not to come because her daughter isn't invited, then that's her decision.

If that's what you want to do, then stick to your guns.

I don't think she specifically invited one child and not others. The OP seemed to be saying that the invites said no under 16s except new borns, which I think is fair enough. If it so happens that one of the SIL's is over 16 and the others aren't then that's tough. I'm not in a charitable mood today am I? ?

x

I agree with the others if you invite 1 then should be all of them !!

we dont want children at our wedding either and have set the age at 18 for licencing as well !! maybe that would help ??

Thanks for the replys, I know what your all saying about inviting one and not the others, but that is not her problem, she wants to leave the new born behind and bring the other four, as I say she was screaming that much, I dont think she clicked onto that(thank god!) I think she is offended that we dont want her kids, but that is not the case, its no kids.

They will be travelling from eire, but she often goes on hols and leaves the kids behind, tempted just to run off and just have the two of us!!

I thought weddings were where you respected peoples wishes, regardless of what they were, and the kids thing is not a new thing, right?

xx

I know my H2B's family wouldn't be particularly happy if I'd invited my brothers kids to a no kids wedding (even though they would have a part to play), but not his sisters?

Its a difficult one, and I suppose it depends on how much you want your FIL2B and SIL2B at the wedding? Maybe its best to speak to your H2B and stick by whatever you decide!

I like children at weddings, to me it's an event that is about the whole family.

However, your wedding and you get to chose. I totally repect that, tantrums aside though this is a divisive issue and you have to accept that some people will not be able to attend as a result.

If my brother (also hundreds of miles away) had this rule I'd have been really sorry but I'd have had to miss his wedding, there are no cirumstances other than life and death, under which I'd leave my 2.5 yr old and 12m old at home for a weekend with neither parent.

Your friends and family would know you feel that way though wouldn't they, so would consider this when deciding whether to have children at a wedding or not? The SIL in this case is happy to leave her kids to go off on holiday so the OP had no reason to think that she would kick off in this instance and is actually happy to leave a new born to attend the wedding.

x

Hello

Its your wedding, and you should choose who you want to attend without feeling guilty in any way and that's that. The day is not about her and her brood it's about you and H2B.

If she doesn't calm down and refuses to attend- more wedding cake and champers for the rest of you ?

Stick to your guns and hopefully it will all sort itself out in the end.

Again thanks for your replys, and its good to see it from different points of view, I think if she would have been calmer in explaining she wasent happy, we might have sorted something out, but there was no talking to her. Have been with H2B for 5yrs, and his family has never made any efforts with us when we have visited Eire, H2B says he's never been so embrassed as to his familys reactions.

It is such a shame, we are not the type to want arguments and bad feelings, we orginally were going to get married abroad and have no fam there, but thought we would be thoughtful and try and include fam in our day, but being dictated to about our day by the SIL2B has upset us both, we are both re-thinking the whole day now!

xx

Don't let them spoil things- this is an exciting time. I'm sure once they calm down, you can chat to them about it like adults and sort things out.?

There's always problems with the guest list and you can't please everyone all of the time - you have to make sure you two are happy with things and thats what matters.

Hope it all works out x

I do agree with this, but I do think it is unfair to ask someone to travel a long way and leave their kids behind. Also to say that 2 of her children are allowed but not the others is unfair too. I think thats almost like someone inviting you but not you h2b to a wedding.

Well clearly she handled it badly as there is no excuse for shouting and screaming.

(And I probably should state now that I have NOTHING against child-free weddings).. But I do think that if i was in her situation I would be extremely miffed and can understand why she wouldn't come.

Firstly, you don't actually have a no children rule that is being applied to everyone do you? You've made an exception for your niece. If you are prepared to make an exception for your niece I can understand your SIL2B being upset that you won't make an exception for H2B's nieces/nephews.

Secondly I can fully understand her being upset that two children are allowed to come and not the others. It really does smack of playing favourites. I know that isn't what you meant to do but it is how it will come across.

Thirdly I know you say that she is happy to leave her children while she goes on holiday but you don't know the ins and outs of this. Every parent has different arrangements they feel happy with. Maybe she feels happy knowing her children are being left behind while she's on holiday if she knows they are with her parents or her parents are nearby, which may not be possible for your wedding. Maybe she does have a friend she would happily leave a newborn with but who wouldn't be happy having the other children. Childcare arrangements can be very complex and involve a lot of conflicting emotions and responsibilities. It is such an individual decision. Please don't throw the "she's done it before" angle in, because you don't know what the differences are between those situations and this one.

Fourthly every family has different ideas of what a wedding "should" be. In some families it is very important that all family members including children are invited to weddings and not inviting is considered a snub. The fact that this isn't how you or your family think and isn't what you want, doesn't make them wrong to feel like this. Yes it's your day but you also have to bear in mind that when planning a wedding you don't make decision in a bubble (unfortunately!). Many decisions will have a great significance and impact on somebody else and as much as it is your day and your decision you need to realise that they also have a right to be hurt/offended/upset if that is how this decision has made them feel, and as a result they may not come or may even choose not to have a relationship with you in the future. It is up to you to decide whether the decision is worth the consequences it has for other people and the knock on consequences it may have for you.

Sorry I've gone on a bit! But basically I feel that if you are inviting your niece your SIL is being quite reasonable expecting her children to be invited. Fair's fair. Sorry.

Good points, and I agree, maybe we didnt think all angles out, I think we will have to go back to the drawing board. Feel so rubbish about the whole thing thou, cant bear the thoughts of it! In my defence my niece was only going to be there for the service, then she was off home, we really didnt want kids mixed in with booze for the evening do, and with it being a late wedding we thought this would be ok, thanks for the replys, we will have to have a re-think.

It does sound like your SIL2B didn't handle the situation very well, but I would be very upset and disappointed if my children weren't invited to my brothers wedding but his B2B's sisters children were!

I don't have a problem with children not being invited to weddings but if most of my family are at the wedding I would have no-one to leave my children with, especially if we had to travel and stay the night.

Hope you get it sorted.

We have similar problem, but with cousions.

I have a small family - my mum and dad have no brothers or sisters so no cousins! I have one brother who as two boys, both taking part in the cermoney, page boy and usher. We have a iittle boy (2) another page boy. My SIL2B as a little boy who is 4. so they are coming to the wedding.

The other side is that my H2B mum and dad have brothers and sister his dad as two brothers and a sister, does not speak to his brothers and his sister is in Australia so not coming, (sorted) BUT his mum has 1x brother and 4 sisters and they all have kids and they have kids and they have kids - its kinda where do you draw the line.

1 of her sisters she does not talk too, we have invited her brother and wife(day reception) and there two kids (both 19/20) with there partners(evening reception)

we have invited all of her sisters to the day reception but only one lot of the children is coming to the day reception as she is being my Bridesmaid (15) and we cant just not invite her brother then,

We think two of the sisters are sullking because there kids are not invited, I have never met them, my H2b spoke to them the last time on his 18th (he now 27 this month) just think people can lose the sense of reality at a wedding.

I just keep saying (****um if they cant be just civil for my day then **ck-um)

Good luck but do what you wanna do if your paying - its your day

I agree with where do you draw the line, I only have one bro, his two kids, one of which wont be coming (3yrs), the other is the flower girl.

wedding party is tiny, just flower girl and BF as maid of honour. H2B and two bros, 3 kids between them, and the SIL2b 5 kids.

I see all the points mentioned but we only wanted no more than 50 peeps there, and its hard to try and keep to that, we are trying to keep to a tight budget also.

Because it was an evening wedding, and because we dont have kids and dont particularly want any, we decided on the no kids rule, the last thing we ever wanted to do is offend anyone.

His mum was the only one, who said you should do what you like its your day.

Weddings in my our eyes our for people who love you and want you to be happy, I am very close with my family, H2B not so much with his, but wanted to make the effort with the wedding, but we have never felt any of the above emotions from his family or most of his friends to be honest, because he now lives and works away (stolen from them, and they are H2B words!). I am starting to fill with dread for the day now.

Any ideas? or should we re-think the day, any suggestions greatly received!!

xx

I understand what others are saying about inviting one and not the other but as you say, your flower girl is only going to be at the service and if you've decided to have no children at the wedding then that's what you should do. If a friend or family member invited me to a wedding that was adults only and I didn't want to leave Wee Braw then I wouldn't go. Simple as that. I certainly wouldn't be annoyed or put out, why should someone tailor their wedding around my family circumstances?

Don't change your plans, wait until the storm's died down and get H2B to explain the circumstances. It's then up to his family to decide if they wish to attend.

x

WSS with bells on.

I can understand your SIL's point (though wouldn't have handled it the way she did obviously). Personally I think inviting your niece (even if it is just for the reception), but telling H2B's S that his nieces/nephews can't come is quite rude.

To me the rule should either be newborns & over 16's only or family children. To differentiate between his nieces/nephews and yours is very unfair imo.

Im inclined to agree with Katie H in red actually. We have said 'family children only' otherwise it gets too much and I know for a fact some of my family wouldnt come without their kids.

I dont have any children but when we do Id like to think me and H2B will take the attitude under these circumastances that its a 'day/night off' but I can understand that some people cant/wont IYSWIM ?

The thing is now if you change it, itll look like youre backing down..grrr.

will other family mind if you make an exception here with the reason that they have to travel?

Hope you sort it! x

What happens if someone has a 17 year old then? The same problem will still exist won't it?

I don't have children, but I have to say I totally get where your sister in law is coming from. She might not have handled herself well, but some people just don't handle themselves very well when they're upset?

If you want a child free wedding then why are you having your neice as a flower girl? It's making a glaringly obvious difference between your neice and your H2B neices/nephews. I think to invite 2 children from the same family and leave the other 3 out is bound to cause problems, and in your shoes if I felt that strongly about not having the others there, then surely none of her children would have been invited.

I know everyone has to draw a line somewhere at guest lists, I've had to do it myself, and if this is what you really want then I suppose you should stick with it, and people can deal with the fallout. But I guess that includes you dealing with the fallout possibly being that your SIL2B might not be there. I think your decision here is: Is it more important that you have a child free wedding (with the exception of flower girl), or that SIL2B attends?

if I were you I would invite them. It's obviously important to her and you won't notice them at all you'll be so happy and busy. I can totally see your point about not wanting children there but because you are inviting your niece really you have to invite them too. they will be your nieces and nephews too.

save yourself the stress and let them come - their mum will probably wish they hdn't wn they get tired and start to moan

Totally agree with BWC.

I went to a wedding recently where there were kids I can honestly say I would have preferred them not to be there. I love kids and want my own (not that actually makes any difference) but I just felt kids running around during the meal and bumping into the waitresses wasn't on. No one else seemed to have an issue so I must just be a moaning git.

I will be having kids at our wedding, personal circumstances mean this is a must but they will be older and will only be family children.