Has anyone issued the 'marry me or leave me' ultimatum?

Yes. I left him - didn't want to marry him and definetly not at 22.

A close friend went through this. He explained fairly early on in the relationship that he didn't believe in marriage or want kids.

First it was "propose or I'm leaving". He did.

Then it was, "set a date or I'm leaving". He did.

Finally it was, "impregnate me or I'm leaving". He did.

He is thoroughly miserable and has cheated on her 2 or 3 times (that I know of).

Well No. I always said I'd give MrH 5 years as he should know by then, but we're both marrying types, I was young and couldn't say for the life of me whether I'd have follow it through. It was immaterial as we'd been together about 3 when he proposed.

My MIL did, and thats how she ended up married to FIL. They had been together 7 years (a very long time in the 70s to not be married) despite the fact she probably wouldn't have followed it through, he did agree to a quickie mariage in a registry office and a reception of 12 mates in the pub. Its not what she wanted, but of course she was just grateful to be married. Shes been married 32 years now to an abusive bully who represses her, manipulates her and controls her. Not her best of moves.

I don't understand why people issue this ultimatum.

If you love someone enough to want to marry them, surely you love them enough to be with them without being married?

If it's about having children, ie I want kids but don't want them outside wedlock and OH is dragging his heels, then I can understand telling him to piss or get off the pot, but if it's just about marriage I don't get it.

I didn't. Isuspect people who do this are usually (but obviously not always) about having a wedding rather than a marriage IYSWIM?

My mate proposed to her H and I think if he'd turned her down she'd have ended it - he's much older than her and she wanted children. I think she felt it was do or die with regards to their relationship so I can understand it - and obviously they're happily married and have a brood. I know he was being crap about asking rather than didn't want to get married though.

Oh and she still thinks shes lucky, BTW. Massive self confidence issues there.

I haven't and I really can't see how there could ever be a positive outcome from it.

I wouldn't want to marry someone who felt pressured into the marriage. Its not really a very good base for a long term commitment.

My brother's girlfriend did. After 7 years together, as they were both into their 30s. She asked him to marry her, he said he'd think about it - a year later he was still thinking. I think under those circs she was absolutely right to ask him to decide. She knew he believes in marriage, and that he sees it as a once in a lifetime commitment, so by not saying yes he was effectively saying she wasn't "the one" and so it had to end.

It's very sad. It was about four and a half years ago now. He's still single, barring the odd one night stand or short fling. I lost touch with her, but I really hope she's found someone lovely who is "the one", and I hope my brother does soon as well.

My ex best friend done this when she felt that all her friends were getting married despite her being with her partner for much longer.

He decided he was better off with her so they got engaged, spent an absolute fortune (of her parents money) on planning her their wedding. She then told him about a month before the wedding that they were going to start trying for a baby right away after the wedding despite him not wanting children yet and he realised that his life was going to rather miserable if he gave in all the time so called the whole thing off.

how come he didn't just say no?

I've had this as a sort of reverse ultimatum. I had been going out with a guy for a couple of years but it wasn't really working (from my POV) and I told him I wanted to split up. The next day he arrived on my doorstep saying he'd marry me if we could stay together, which was really odd and a complete misreading of the situation (um, I've just told you I don't want to go out with you, why on earth would you think I'd marry you?) I think possibly the reason was that he was a fair bit older- I was 21 when he split, he was early 30s as were most of his friends, and I think he'd got into his head that women's main issue with men is lack of commitment (whereas in our case it was lack of compatability and ultimately lack of attraction).

I think issuing an ultimatum is truly mad, as is responding to one with anything other than "see you around". It's basically blackmail.

I did, though I did make it clear from the start of the relationship that I wouldn't have children until I was married. H did want to be with me forever and he did want children with me he just doesn't really see the point in marriage, luckily for him I wasn't really interested in planning a wedding so once he decided we were ready for children we planned the wedding for 4 months time, he had a great time on the day itself and at no point was I stressing at him about table plans so I don't think he did too badly out of it.

Not an ulitmatum as such, but we were having an argument, and in the height of it, I bawled that I couldn't even be sure how committed he was to me, as I'd thought he would have proposed by now. He retorted that he was going to propose soon, but when he had wanted to, but since I'd brought it up, he may as well propose now. Tears ended, laughter ensued. Freaky story, but we're very happily married (6 years on and counting...).

I did it in may 2007. After 4 yrs together, me selling my house in NI to move to edinburgh and uprooting everything i ever knew to be with him.

We'd always talked about getting married once his degree was done. after 18mths here and the odd "well book something someday" chit chat, I realised that if left to oh, we'd still be saying that in 10 yrs.

I told him I would be getting married on 08/11/08 and said if he wanted to be the groom then he'd need to think seriously and sort it out. If he thought seriously and decided he didnt want to be the groom then i was moving back to NI and starting again without him.

That sat, he woke me up with a load of bookings to view reception venues etc and the rest is history.

He does say now that it was the best kick up the arse i could have given him as he never realised before how one month runs into another etc etc.

We are both very happy and it was the right thing for us.

I didn't really give an ultimatum, we'd been together 8 years, lived together for 5 years (he suggested buying a place together which totally surprised me at the time), he just very comfortable with the living together arrangement. He always talked about 'when we marry' and 'when we have kids' but just didn't seem to go further than that, if the conversation came up he would just say 'all in good time', he thought it was great joke with his friends. Anyway I gave a time frame when I expected things to move forward, he waited until the very last day!!!

We've now been married 5 years (this week) have 1 child and 1 on the way. I know I didn't force him in to something he didn't want to do and he always maintained that we would be married and have a family, he just needed a push. We have a great relationship and I know he doesn't have any regrets.

My cousin has just married after waiting 15 years for her other half to commit and again I think he was just comfortable with the arrangements they had.

Major self-esteem issues.

My brother's ex-GF used to shout at him about getting married in rows. He didn't propose so she left him in the Feb and married someone else in the August of last year. Turns out that being married was more important than the person.

He's told me since that he had money saved up for a ring but didn't want to propose until they'd got through the rough patch they'd been having.

Thanks all for your replies. It's not meant as a flippant question or because I believe in the wedding day more than the person. Princess Layabouts post pretty much sums it up.

I'm afraid what he's said is so beyond insulting and shallow that I'd be running a 1000 miles, never mind looking for a marriage proposal. It's one thing to support a partner in weight loss or whatever but to suggest that you're ok to live with, buy a house with, make a home with, and so on but not attractive enough to marry is unbelieveable.

I'm so angry on your behalf!

I'm not a great believer in the cow and milk theory as such but if you don't make a stand on this, then I guess he's got no reason to change his opinion.

? I think there's a big difference in the kind of situation that PL describes and "I want a wedding because all my friends have pretty dresses" kind of demands.

Wow HB, that must have been a horrid conversation to have. So does this mean marriage is on hold until he thinks you look "right"? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but that's kind of how it reads to me.

If that is the case, how does that sit with you? And longer term, if you do lose the weight, and you marry him, will he leave if your appearance changes again (as you get older, or if you do have a family and you gain weight from that etc?).

Although it wasn't related to our marriage, after I'd had our first child, my H did eventually confess that he found the extra weight I was carrying unattractive, and I have to admit, that was enough to spur me into losing it fast (which I did). I think he so respected the hard work and commitment I put into it, and it's something that I won't forget (TBF, I wasn't happy with the weight either, and felt hugely better when I'd lost it, and nearly 4 years on, and another child later, I still ensure I try to exercise regularly to stop myself getting into the position again).

Anyway, this isn't about me, but I wanted to demonstrate that faced with a similar comment, it wasn't a deal-breaker for us, and we did get through it successfully.

I hope you're ok.

Indeed. If he's that much of a tool now, imagine what he's capable of in another 10 years.

WZebraS. He sounds horrible, frankly.

Very hard to advise because one can't go round suggesting people make huge changes to their lives just because their OHs sound like twats but, based on what you've said, he does sound a twat and I'd run a mile from someone whose commitment was contingent on something so shallow.

Wow, that is harsh.

I would be questioning whether I wanted to be with someone that shallow. Realistically, say it takes 5 years to lose the weight (if you want to), what happens if he doesn't like your wrinkles then? What's the next step? It is one thing to have an issue with something like this, but effectively he is hedging his bets in the relationship - you improve or he walks? Is that how it is?

L
xx

HB, if my H said something like that to me, I'd be out of there. It's unbeliebably disrespectful and hurtful. There is no way I'd be with someone who thought and spoke like that, never mind marrying the person.

I think there's a big difference though between admitting you find someone's weight gain unattractive and making something as important as marriage/children contingent on them losing weight.

What Zeb and everyone else said. The idea that you're "good enough" to live with, have sex with etc but not to marry is just disgraceful.

I'm tempted to say, kick the fucker to the kerb.

Do you want to marry someone who has so little respect for you?

What he said was horrible, shallow and very hurtful. Has he been supportive in you losing weight at all, maybe you could go running together or similiar, maybe he should be more supportive and encouraging rather than putting you down.

I'm sure there are things about him that have maybe changed or there are flaws he has, no one is perfect. He is like this now and you're not married or have children, what about if you have children together? You will put weight on and sometimes it takes a while to lose it again, will he be this shallow then?

Loads of things for you to think about, but I would not be waiting for or wanting a proposal from someone who is meant to love you if they can talk to you like that.

How horribly shallow - you must have felt like you'd been hit by a bus!

For me this speaks more widely but obviously I don't know you or your OH so would be wrong of me to jump to conclusions. Have you had a decent conversation about this since?

S x

Sorry, but how much younger? Is he twelve? Because his attitude smacks of a spoilt child. So you're okay to live with, sleep with, go on holiday with, etc. But too fat for commitment? What a heartless, cruel thing to say. Sorry to be blunt - I am just so angry for you. It's one thing to be supported whilst you try to achieve weight loss goals (been there, done that) but another to be effectively judged as second-rate because of your appearance vis-a-vis his apparently superior good looks!

I know this will make me sound like some of 'battered no-self esteem type person' and I know you won't believe it but he is actually a really nice bloke, I think people would be suprised if they knew he felt that strongly about my weight. From the outside we look like we have a pretty perfect relationship - and we do, apart from the weight issue. For what it's worth I'm not overjoyed with my weight either and I am trying to address it by looking at what I eat and when. I've only put on a couple of stone - well, about a stone and a half. I guess when we met I was 10 stone and a size 12? Now I'm 11.8 ish and a 14/16 but I'm not that tall so can't carry it that well. He has offered me all sorts of incentives to loose the weight and as hard as I try I cannot do it. He says I don't want to otherwise I would have which I can to someone who doesn't struggle with their weight it does look that easy. I can see it must be frustrating from his point of view that I can't/won't do it.

I just think it would be a shame to throw away a brilliant relationship because of a small issue like this? I've had some horrible boyfriends in the past and my current partner is worlds apart. I wouldn't have stayed for 6 years if he wasn't. I think another part of the issue is that OH hadn't really had a long term gf before me so I don't think he has any concept of how good he's got it to be perfectly honest and how $hit relationships can be.

Just to add my self esteem is good, I'm not a wall flower, I run my own business, I think I look ok (all be it a bit chubby I can hold my hands up to that) - I think I'd look better if I did loose a good stone so can't denny OH isn't right about that. As others have said it does beg the question what would be next as I get older if I did loose the weight - wrinkles, a nip here, a tuck here?! Where do you draw the line?

Bottom line is I do think the world of OH and I really don't want to 'start again'. I see my lovely single, gorgeous and slim friends go out with low lifes and generally unsuitable men. I'm not saying 'woe is me' and that I would never find anyone else but the older you get the harder it is. I'm not still 21 with years of being able to mess about in front of me. I've played the field in my time and I have an good perspective of when I'm in a good relationship. We have a great life together. I'm not sure exactly what the future holds regards us or marriage. Everythings gone back to how it was before I brought the subject of marriage up.

Wow, I agree, he does come across as being incredibly shallow

I had been with my H for 9 years before we got married. I thought he might propose in 2006 after he had spent 5 months working away. My sister then got engaged and both of us thought that although we both knew we would get married eventually, we didn't want to take any lime light from my sister's wedding.

We got engaged in September 2007 when I was at my heaviest. My H still thought I was worth marrying, even though it turned out I was only 6lbs lighter than him, and he is 7" taller than me.

Christmas 2007 he physically shoved me on some scales for me to see how heavy I was (I was often complaining about being fat, but never did anything about it) I was so agnry & upset at what my H had done, but it gave me the encouragment to do something about it. I managed to lose about 3 stone before our wedding in October last year. I was 34 when we got married, so similar age to you

I think the difference is, we knew we would get married one day, and we both wanted to be married before we started a family (baby due Nov this year), it just took us a bit longer than I would have liked. However, I know that my H loves me, lard and all

I don't get the impression that your OH loves you and your lard ?

Wow - if that had been me, I'd be walking in the opposite direction rather quickly. How awful for you. What would happen if you put weight on after having kids? Honestly, I think you're better off without him.