Has anyone issued the 'marry me or leave me' ultimatum?

Klute, that's appalling. There's a big wide world out here full of people who can behave like grownups. Discard this twunt and spread your wings ?

So if you've been with him since a teenager that makes you early thirties at the most. Which is nothing agewise and the possibilities out there for meeting other people. A truly supportive man would say 'I'm going to support you to lose weight' not 'lose it or I dump you'. How nice of him to wait until you are getting onto an even keel and then drop this kind of emotional bombshell.

Hi Klute - it's funny you have resscurected (sp) this thread as my situation reached a bit of a head last night and I'm sat here with eyes red raw after hardly sleeping wondering if we are over or not. OH has declared "he wants us to think about splitting up". He says it isn't all the weight but that life with me is mundane and boring and he wants to be single. I just don't know what to think anymore. The fact that my life as I know it could be blown out of the water scares the absolute *** out of me. We have a great life or so I thought, we live in a lovely house and I have or had a partner who I love to bits to just go back to square one after 6 years is just somewhere I didn't imagine myself to be. I don't even know if on what I earn if I could afford to buy my own house. I don't know what to do or what to think.

Hugo, I am so sorry at what has happened. Unfortunately it has resonances with what happened to me in my last relationship. My experience is that once that sort of thing has been said events progress quickly. To him 'think about' meant 'I want to so we are'. I do hope you are able to sort something out. Think carefully about what you want/can do. So hurtful to make comments like that about your life together. Maybe him saying he wants to be single is the nub of it and he is trying to put the blame on you rather than the rest being reality or him taking any responsibility. Take care. Tanta

Oh Hugo ? I think Tanta's probably right, that the nub of the problem is with him wanting to be single rather than anything about you. Maybe he feels pressured, maybe he thinks there must be more to life - but that's all about him not you. If he can't see what he stands to lose then, well, he deserves to lose it - and you deserve better.

? Hugo

I don;t think there is such thing as 'wanting to think about splitting up' those are the words of someone who already has. This will feel awful,painful and horrible BUT it will NOT feel like that for ever. And long term, if two people are ultimately going to make each other miserable, it is the best thing. Your are young, lovely and deserve someone better.

I wish I could whizz you forward a few months (if indeed you do split) to see how much better you will be feeling, especially about yourself.

You do not need him, you can manage without him, and you will if you have to

L
xx

Thanks all that's really made me ?

I know it doesn't sound like it from what I've said but I've never met anyone who treated me so well in all my life, right from the get go friends would say who much it was clear he put me on a pedastall and from being in a marriage where I was treated like $hit it was just what I needed. I don't know where I'd ever meet anyone, I work alone, I don't go out nor would I be able to afford to. I don't want to be 33 and living alone with my pets like some sort of spinster.

Hi HB, yes hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread it was just that I felt my situtation was similer to yours. I'm sorry to hear that things have got worse but then sometimes when things do come to a head it gives you a chance to move on. I know what it's like going around on egg shells because you don't want to upset a partner who you know already has issues with you. Perhaps it will be a chance to clear the air between you both which could lead to a better relationship or perhaps it is over. It seems a lot of men play the "life is mundane and I want to be single" card I'm sure that is part of it with my boyfriend. The thing is that we all feel that way from time to time but if we all bailed out of a relationship due to that we'd never settle down. I think that some guys just feel that they ought to be able to be out there playing the field getting with loads of women before finally settling down with a supermodel of 21 when they are in their 40's. They are living in dream land. My boyfriends cousin is a bit like this no girl is ever good enough for him and he's always looking over her shoulder for something better to come along it seems the height of immaturity and vanity to behave this way but many men do only to find themselves alone and bitter in their 40's I have seen it happen so many times. I hope that your partner for his sake as well as yours grows up quick and realises what he has with you and learns to appreciate it. However if he doesn't then you will be better off without him. I know that is easier to say than do and I'm not even sure if I could take my own advice but do you really want to be with a man who see's you as second best?

I am scared to be on my own again and angry that all the years I gave to our relationship are in a sense wasted. When I think about all the things I sacrificed and didn't do to stay with him and keep him happy I am angry at myself. I don't know if we are over yet but if we do get back together our relationship will have to be on radically different terms as I am so fed up being treated like this by him.

Please let me know how you get on HB and I hope you find the strength both to know and do what is right for you.

OK, IF you split up, focus on getting your life sorted, because you need to be living somewhere, earning enough. You don't need to be thinking about meeting someone else, you need to work out living for you. You CAN go out, not everything costs a fortune. You can meet people in the course of your business. If you get yoursefl sorted, it wil fall in to place. It's easy to meet people, honestly.

L
xx

Thank you all. I've got a million things going round my head at the moment.

HB I just wanted to add that should you find yourself alone I have heard of many people having great success with internet dating. I suppose that is a little too soon for you to be thinking about that now but I know about 4 couple who have met in this way. I myself have said that I could never do it but they pointed out that it was no different than meeting someone in a club or a bar and I suppose they are right. So if you feel you cannot or do not want to go out to bars and clubs then perhaps you could consider internet dating. You seem like a lovely person and someone would snap you up if they had the chance!

HB and Klute, my heart really does go out to you. I know how you feel right now, you worry what that it's too late for a life now and the things you want. I was only 27 when I left my ex but in my head I wasn't married yet nor had children and I worried by leaving him I might never have these things. I had my life mapped out in my head and the timings scared me!

If someone had told me I would end up marrying my best friend and have the life I have now that is great I would have laughed. I was scared, and sending myself round in circles. It is possible and although short term it is scary and you worry about all the small things as well as the big things it really will be ok.

Sending more hugs as you need them I think, whatever decision you make. ?

Huge hugs HB. You deserve so much better. PL and HL said exactly the sort of thing I would. ?

I hope you don't mind me joining in, it's just that this is pretty much what happened to me. Klute and Hugo, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex decided to dump me after we'd been together for 13 years. We weren't married (thank god) but we had a house together, so in effect it was like being divorced. I was 32. I honestly could not see past the next few months of hurt and horribleness. Things hadn't been right for years. Literally years. I was treated like shite and made to feel completely worthless. Don't ask me why I didn't leave him sooner. I probably put up with this crap for 10 years which is pretty much when it all started to go bad. Anyway. On our 13th anniversary (timing pretty much impecable!) Right out of the blue, he said we were finished. I went into shock. It was just hideous. I won't bore you with all the details, but in the end, my parents bought him out of our house so at least I wouldn't be homeless. And we separated. I was devastated. I thought that I would spend the rest of my life living here with cats. I couldn't see any future at all.

Then one night, after a bit of wine. I was on the internet and joined Dating Direct. My plan was to take the bull by the horns, and basically meet some new people. I wasn't looking for the one, I was looking for a bit of fun and respite from the hell which was my life. I didn't want to spend all my time working to pay the enormous mortgage which I'd saddled myself with. It was actually really fun looking at all the profiles and laughing at some of the pictures (I'm evil!)

Anyway, my first date was hilarious in its awfulness, and the next day I met the man I'm marrying in November. Didn't plan it, but there you go.

So I just wanted to say, that this isn't the end. It's just the beginning in the words of John Travolta from Grease!

And huge hugs to both of you. I know how hard it is. xxxx

HB - i am going through exactly the same thing at the moment. My H said the same about 2 months ago. we are still 'together' but its awfully strained and i am so unhappy. If you need a shoulder to cry on, from someone who totally understands, send me a pm.

Firstly a big ? to all those going through this. I can imagine that it is awful. Avery good friend went through this when she was 8 months pregnant with her first. Now she is buying a house with a lovely guy she met on the internet their child (her second) is one and she is the happiest she has ever been. The first few months were awful then she forced herself out, even just coffee with friends and it worked.

Hope that the crappiness is as short lived as possible for you all and you realise that you deserve more - weight is just a number and you need to support to lose any, not critcism.

Hugo and Klute. I can only echo what everyone else has said in that I hope you are both okay and get clarity on your situations soon. I too am going through this and know how hard it is. Everyone says things get better with time and that things will start to become easier after taking small steps. Take care and keep talking to people. Big hugs to you both and to anyone else that needs them

Feathers - sorry to hear you are going through this as well. we are a right set arent we? ?

HB - hope you are ok x

My boyfriend has actually just called me, just to ask if I am ok and how I am feeling. I asked him if we were still together and he said yes and he said that he doesn't want to split up but he still fails to see that he has done anything wrong in issuing an ultimatum like that and the demand that I lose a lot of weight still stands. I really feel that unless he is able to see that he has been really cruel in his treatment of me here then I don't know if I can continue with him as it will only happen again the next time he feels less than satisfied with his lot. I really feel I need to be strong for me and my future even if that means leaving. I don't know, I feel so confused right now.

Oh Klute - what an awful position he has put you in.

It sounds as if you know that you deserve more and deserve not to be treated like this, but I appreciate that it is one thing knowing what you should do and going through with it. No-one deserves to be told that love/relationship is conditional on a weight or dress size. Please be strong and know that you deserve more than him and things will get better when you find your own feet again on your own.

Big ? coming your way

Sorry, but he sounds like a total wanker. Do you seriously want to marry a man who treats you like this? And you are absolutely right about the bit in bold. ?

Klute, I'm a bloke and think what he has said is 100% completely unacceptable and is not the basis for a happy relationship at all. "The demand to lose weight still stands" .... demand?!?!?!?! Where the chuff does he get off?

I'm very sorry its come to this, but there are many many decent men out there who would not dream of talking to another person like that. Please think about it carefully, the good ladies of Hitched will talk it through and support you, I just wanted to offer the view from the male side, to back-up the fact he's something of a w*nker!