heartbroken and really need help and advice

Don't hurt yourself my lovely, no man in the world is worth the scars! Firstly, I think maybe you should go and have a chat with your GP if that's how this has made you feel.

Secondly, I think you do need to talk to your fiance about this somehow, if you just sweep it under the carpet and get married anyway then it will only eat you up and rear it's ugly head later on. Don't worry about the wedding right now, it might be that you two just need some more time to work through some things first.

X

Sorry you are going through this, if it were me in that situation the relationship would be over. I know that some people work through these things so you have to decide if it is something you can forgive and move on from.

Regarding the depression, self harming and other destructive thoughts, please seek help. This could be friends, family or drs, samaritans but dont struggle through these thoughts on your own x

Firstly, please please do not hurt yourself or take any pills. What you're going through sounds horrendous, but please remember there is always a light at the end of every tunnel, and I'm sure there are many people who love and care about you who would hate for anything to happen to you.

Secondly, I think this is something you should really discuss with your OH. Especially as this is not the 1st time it's happened, so clearly this isn't a one off.

I don't think starting married life with doubts and secrets is a wise thing to do. If there is a risk of the wedding not going ahead or being postponed, I think that's a risk worth taking. Please remember that you didn't cause this situation. If you have to reconsider your wedding date for a while, surely it's worth it to know for certain that you're going into a long and happy commitment, where you are both 100% commited and trusting of eachother.

Tbh, I find the excuse of wanting something to masturbate to a bit strange. There is plenty of other stuff on the Internet for that kind of thing, not sure why he would need to arrange to meet with another woman to get his kicks.

Im really sorry you're having to deal with this so close to your wedding, but I really think you need to get this straight before making a lifelong commitment. I really hope everything works out well for you.

Aww, honey, please don't hurt yourself! No man is worth that . Plenty of people here to talk to ?

As for the problem, I don't think this one can be forgotten about. If he's done it before, and again, he will carry on doing it. Why does he feel the need to join a dating site to satisfy his 'needs'? If he wants it more than you, then why can't he buy a magazine! It's obviously more than that can give him, he's looking for interaction, and he obviously doesn't mind how you feel about it ☹️.

As much as you love this man, can you trust him not to do it again? Or take it further? I know it would always be eating at me. Going ahead with the wedding or calling it off is a huge decision, especially this close.

Big hugs, and sorry I can't really offer much xx

As others have already said, please don't hurt yourself and seek help from someone close like a family member or friend, or a professional.

Don't even think about the wedding itself just now. Think about your relationship with your OH. You definitely need to talk about it with him. What would be the point in going through with the wedding and then being stuck in an unhappy marriage?

If you can forgive him and he is willing to change and commit to you 100%, then there is nothing to stop you from getting married in 50 days, but if he doesn't want to change or can't see that what he is doing is wrong, deceitful and hurting you, then having to cancel your wedding will be a blessing in disguise. It will probably not feel like that, but don't get married to him solely because you are so close to the wedding.

I'm sorry but what???? You are totally justified in being upset, I would be devastated. But please don't hurt yourself. No man is worth it. I came close many times with my ex husband, as he made me feel totally worthless, but I am glad I didn't. You need to talk to him. But the only advice I can give, from experience, is that they don't change after the wedding, and if you have any doubts, don't do it. I married my first husband, ignoring all the alarm bells, and he lied, cheated and carried on abusing me, and we got divorced 1 year after the wedding. There is no shame in the wedding not going ahead, I wish mine hadn't xx

Hi I couldn't read and run.

First of all, my heart goes out to you it really does. This isn't going to be easy, but please try.

I have a mental health illness that I have had since I was 10, this meant my first 3 relationships were rocky and my OH's were unsupportive. I too had situations where I found them talking to other women or cheating. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I blamed myself, thought I could have done better to keep them interested. I listened to too many sorry's. I tried taking my own life twice when I found out about one ex, and he said it was my fault! Because I was going through depression at the time. You know he didn't even come and see me in hospital. Now looking back I laugh, yes laugh. Because he didn't deserve me and life does go on. I met somebody who really does appreciate me, and that is what you deserve.

You have every right in this world to be happy, NO ONE deserves to be treated like this. If it has happened before, and now again, this will not stop. It is seedy behaviour. Funnily enough I was speaking to my OH about this not that long ago, and in our opinion masturbating to say porn is fine. BUT paying for porn, or women, or taking it to a personal level and meeting up with someone is cheating. How would he like it done to him?

I know you're wedding it round the corner but you do not want to be stuck with a man like this, and think of it as a lucky escape. No one will blame you for cancelling the wedding, even postponing it makes more sense. And at the end of the day it's only getting married, you can't go ahead putting on this brave face on the 'happiest day of your life' when its killing you inside. Nor can you let this liar take his vows when he doesn't mean a single one of them.

I'm sorry if this has come across as harsh, but sometimes the truth is needed. As for your depression, as a sufferer myself. Be determined. Only you can get yourself out of this pit and if you feel you have hit rock bottom, the only way is up! There are so many self help groups and please see your GP if needed DO NOT be ashamed. You can do it and you must see how your story ends, because it will get better and you will meet somebody that is meant for you. You just have to ride the bumpy rollercoaster on the way.

Get out, get your life back and tell him to bugger off, please PM me if you want to talk any further.

And remember YOU ARE WORTH A MILLION OF HIM *big hugs*

He is the only person I have ever loved and don't think I could survive without him

I would be so ashamed to call off the wedding

Also I saw the email because I was trying to check .our wedding Gmail but his was already logged in but now he's going to think I was purposely snooping

I have no one to talk to about this

Just dont know what to do

Please, please, please don't hurt yourself! I know when you are depressed it can be the one thing you think will make you feel better, but it really won't. You must seek professional help, actually any help at all, just tell someone how you are feeling.

As for you OH it sounds to me like he doesn't deserve your love. I am a big believer in anyone can make a mistake and it doesn't make them a bad person, but to do it a second time is totally unforgiveable in my opinion. Forget the wedding, that is the least of your worries right now. As someone else said, this is NOT your fault, you did not cause this. I also know you don't want to be stuck in a marriage with someone who treats you like this. I, thankfully, wised up to my controlling, manipulative ex before I married him.

I really hope this all gets sorted out for you.

Trust me, you survived how every many years before you met him without him, so you can.

Love is hard and it hurts. I remember the earth shattering and sick to your stomach feeling you get and I have forgiven before but it's not worth it nor does it go away.

You will constantly be thinking hes up to something, it will drive you insane and consume you.

Love is about the both of you, not one sided. And don't you dare feel ashamed about cancelling the wedding you have done NOTHING wrong.

Stay strong.

You could survive without him, its your depression that is telling you otherwise (again another mental health sufferer/survivor here)

There is NOTHING to be ashamed of if you chose to call off the wedding. No one would be disappointed in you, you will not embarass anyone including yourself if you chose to do this. People will not think less of you for doing so. Your friends and family would fully support your decision to be happy and not in a bad relationship. They want the best for you!

Please talk to someone x

I can only second what others have said to you,, please do not hurt yourself,, trust me no man is worth that!!

i also agree with the comment above, it's the depression that's making you feel you can't survive without him, I always think there is life before them and there would be life after them, and if this is how he makes you feel I imagine a better life after!

I no you say there is no one to talk to, do you have family and friends around you?

Please see your gp, I have been for anxiety and they are brilliant, once you get yourself the help you need you will think so much clearer and be in a better position to stand up for yourself and make him no you are worth more than how he is making you feel!!

You have already had lots of good advice so just wanna echo most of what has already been said. This man is a cheat, do not marry him. The people you love will support you if you call off the wedding. It will be hard, but you can make it through and come out stronger. You deserve better! Keep reminding yourself of that.

You can survive without him. Don't go ahead with the wedding because you would be ashamed not to. Only go ahead with it if it is truly what you want and what will make you happy.

In German, we have a saying that goes "Better a terrible ending, than something terrible without an ending" It doesn't translate too well, but I hope the meaning comes across.

No one will judge you for calling off a wedding under these circumstances, and if someone really does give you grief for it, don't take it to heart. Your happiness is more important than that.

Don't care about what he will think, you weren't snooping, and don't allow him to use that as an argument for making what he did seem less bad. He is the one who did something wrong.

There may be charities who offer relationship advice and someone to talk to if you have no friends or family to talk to.

Can I suggest that you talk to him first. Before you make any decisions, you need to speak to him and find out why he did what he did.

People make mistakes. First you need to know why, and then you need to decide whether you can overcome it.

This is the only reason I went ahead with my first wedding. But the shame of splitting up a few months later is just as bad, along with the guilt that everyone came to the wedding and that I had let them down, and everyone saying I told you so, so please don't let that be your deciding factor. You don't deserve this, you can and you will meet someone who will treat you right x

I'm really sorry your going through this but please don't hurt yourself, you deserve so much better. Personally if my oh told me he joined a dating website to masterbate to there's no way I'd believe that (there's plenty of porn out there). The fact that he's messaging other women this close to your wedding is awful. If it was me I'd get out now before you marry him and save yourself from going through this again. It's hard now but in time you will find someone who treats you with respect and someone who you can trust. For now just make sure you look after yourself. x

Oh dear ? sorry you are having a crap time. Please dont take this out on yourself, we are here for you.

You can survive without him, and there are many men out there that can treat a lady a Damn sight better than what you OH has done.

Would you ever be able to trust him after this? I know I couldnt but thats just me.

I do hope you two Can work through this and that he can prove that he can be trusted, even if that means postponing the wedding, rather than cancelling.

If you do decide to cancel, dont be ashamed. You wont be the first or last bride to call off a wedding, as others have said, better to dodge the bullet now than deal with the wound after being wed.

I wish you all the best, take your time with figuring out how to go about this, but confront him. Good luck :-)

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear this. You are worth more than this, please don't hurt yourself and try to remember that you have done nothing wrong.

You need to have somewhere you can go unless you know that he will leave, can you talk to a parent or a friend about staying with them?

I think you need to talk to him about this, but I personally think that in your shoes, there's now way I could go ahead with the wedding. You need to be secure and happy in a relationship, and you clearly don't feel this way. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you deserve a lot better than this, and you are better off on your own than with someone who doesn't respect you.

We are all here for you whenever you need to talk to people who aren't as close to your situation, and know that we all want the best for you. Most importantly, take care of yourself

You will not only survive without him, but you will become a better and a stronger person, who will eventually meet someone else who will worship the ground you walk on and respect you and admire you.

There is no shame in calling off the wedding - people should be proud of your for finding the strength to do so.

If he thinks you were purposefully snooping, then so be it. He's the one in the wrong, not you.

If you need to talk to someone, I'm sure there are a whole host of people on here who would be happy to talk to you - myself included. Don't be afraid to reach out.

Far, far better to call it off now than to get married and then have to go through a divorce when you inevitably find out he's still doing it.

Nobody joins a dating site to masturbate to. You know how much free porn there is on the internet?! It is way more effort to actively seek out other women to talk to than it is to find some naked photos to get off to - don't listen to his lies, don't let him justify this to you. He's tried to cheat on you once (that you know of) and now he's doing it again.

Do you want to spend your married life wondering every day whether he's talking to some woman online?

Nobody deserves to live like that. Don't do it to yourself.

I can't really give any more advice on top of the already brilliant advice from these lovely ladies, but echo what they have said.

I'm so sorry your going through this, especially with the wedding coming up. Personally, put the wedding to the back of your mind at the moment, its not important, what is important is your relationship with your OH and your health and mental well being.

Please please please do not hurt yourself. If you feel this way, come and log here, the ladies are more than willing to talk and give advice. No man is worth your life, blood or scars. Your local GP should also offer well being appointments, where you can go and speak to someone. My OH suffers with depression and he has had about 3 appointments now and he said they are so helpful.

In regards to your OH, you HAVE to speak to him, there is no way that this is going to get resolved otherwise. If you do not speak to him you run the risk of destroying the relationship, as you would be constantly wondering what he is doing and saying, and eventually come to resent him. So what if he 'thinks' you were snooping, he is the one in the wrong here. Personally I think that as this has happened before and you've found stuff for a second time, he isn't going to change. It's obviously more than 'something to masturbate to' because there is porn for that, or magazines. Plus he was asking about meeting up, which to me is unacceptable. Is it an ego thing for him?

It really is a tough situation that you are in, and I really feel for you, but I don't feel like your OH deserves you if he feels the need to do what he has done. There is no shame at all in calling the wedding off, if this is what you decide to do. Personally make him do it and he can explain to everyone why the wedding is off. HE should feel ashamed, not YOU! And you will love again, there is a man out there that will worship the ground you walk on and treat you the way you should be treated. Yes it will be *** for a few weeks, maybe even months, but the pain will ease and you'll soon learn to live without him.

I'm sorry if any of the above sounds harsh, but you deserve to be treated with respect. We're here if you need us xx

Thank you all for your support

I have to talk to him tonight. I don't know what will happen.

I'm close with his best friend (aand our best man) and have been speaking to him

he has offers me a place at his tonight and is completely on my side

what makes it worse is we are supposed to ve paying the final installment of our wedding today

being at work is currently the only things stopping me having a complete emotional melt down

I couldn't read and run but can only reiterate what everyone else has said.

You are worth so much more than any of this, and I feel that if this isn't the first time then you definitely need to talk to him, wit the support of the Best Man as well this will help you be strong I am sure.

Please please don't hurt yourself in anyway, it is the depression talking that is making you feel this way. I have depression in the family and see how it effects people but hurting yourself will not help you. Just take your time, talk to him and then decide what you want to do.

Finally, please don't ever feel like you couldn't live without him, it may seem that way but you could and you deserve so much better than his treatment of you at the moment. If he doesn't change his ways then he is the one that doesn't deserve to live with you.

Sending love and hugs.

Sending you a hug and this is in no way your fault, as the ladies on here have already said his behaviour is not acceptable and how would he like it if you carried on like he is. I personally couldn't marry a man who is like this, your wedding day is for someone who treats you amazingly, who you can't live without and who never hurts you. Don't worry about postponing or cancelling the wedding, I think it's a blessing you found out before you married. If you marry him it's telling him his behaviour is okay + it's a lot harder to seperate once you are married. We are all here on hitched for you Xx

We've talk

I screamed and shouted and called him out on his bs.

He has said he's sorry and explained how he was drunk and craving attention.

I've told him this isn't good enough and he had really betrayed me

I called him every name under the sun

I've put off paying the final installment for the wedding

I am taking time to Think

but I do love him and I want us to work

we're considering counselling

Im so pleased you stood up for yourself. You are right though his wanting attention and doing this is not o.k

I hope counselling works for you if that is what you truly want to do

x

Glad you have spoken to him, being drunk and wanting attention is not a good enough reason, if he wanted attention he should have gone to his fiance x

Well done for facing up to him and also for holding off paying the final instalement on your wedding. Please don't cancel it all yet, but also don't get married because you are more worried about cancelling. Perhaps look at postponing it until such time as you are 100% it's what you want. You should get marrierd for the long haul, not because it's too hard to cancel it. I made that mistake first time around........

Sounds like you're heading in the right direction by talking to him, and by holding off on the final instalment of your wedding. Counselling might be a good idea.

Once is a mistake. Twice is not! that would be the end of our relationship if I was in your position. Being drunk and craving attention......oh please! What a pathetic excuse. If you're going through counselling, I think it's best to postpone the wedding until you've moved on from this. You can't start married life with upset, self doubt, lies, uncertainty etc. Hope it all works out for you x

I'm so pleased to hear that you stood up for yourself - good for you! I have to agree with others though; once is a mistake, twice is not. I wouldn't be able to forgive a second time, but that's just me.

I would also consider post-poning the wedding. I think you said it was in 50 days and I just can't see how this could be resolved in such a short space of time.

Whatever happens, I wish you much happiness.